Why Instagram Is the Scariest Place for Parents and How to Know Who to Trust
Why Instagram Is the Scariest Place for Parents and How to Know Who to Trust
Picture this: Your kids are finally asleep. You sit down, pick up your phone, and open Instagram for a few minutes.
Then you see it.
A Reel telling you there's one phrase you should never say to your child.
Scroll.
Another parenting expert explains that something you did this morning could create an attachment wound.
Scroll.
Someone else tells you there's a specific response you need to use during your child's next meltdown or you could damage your relationship.
Suddenly, your parenting anxiety is through the roof.
You were fine 10 minutes ago. Now you're mentally replaying every interaction you had with your children that day and wondering whether you're getting any of this right.
Welcome to parenting Instagram.
As a child psychologist, a parent, and someone who has to use social media to promote my own podcast, I have a complicated relationship with this corner of the internet.
Actually, “complicated” might be generous.
I strongly dislike it.
And if parenting content regularly leaves you questioning yourself, I want you to understand why that happens and how you can become a much more cautious consumer of the parenting advice you see online.
Parenting Instagram Is Designed to Make You Feel Something
Here's one of the most important things I want parents to understand:
The content you're seeing isn't necessarily designed simply to educate you.
It's designed to engage you.
Content creators want clicks, comments, saves, shares, and follows. Those actions feed the algorithm and help content reach more people.
And what gets people's attention?
Fear.
Imagine scrolling past a Reel that says:
“Here's one thing you might want to consider when your child is having a tantrum. It could be useful in some circumstances, although it depends on your child's age, temperament, developmental level, and what happened beforehand.”
That's actually a pretty reasonable way to talk about parenting.
It's also not particularly clickable.
Now compare it to:
“NEVER say this to your child during a tantrum.”
You want to know what it is, don't you?
That's the problem.
When we're talking about parenting and social media, we have to acknowledge that what makes content accurate and nuanced isn't necessarily what makes it successful online.
Scared Parents Buy Things
There is another piece of this that we can't ignore.
Sometimes the person making you afraid also happens to be selling the solution to your fear.
You might see a Reel suggesting that a seemingly ordinary parenting decision could cause a major problem years from now.
Then you're told there's a particular phrase you need to use instead.
Want to know the phrase?
Comment a particular word.
Click the link.
Download the guide.
Buy the course.
I'm exaggerating slightly when I joke about a parent saying no to a popsicle when a child is four, only for that child to supposedly develop a deep popsicle-related attachment wound at 39.
But sometimes, it doesn't feel like that much of an exaggeration.
Fear makes people look for answers.
And when we're scared that we're damaging our children, we're particularly motivated to find those answers quickly.
That's where mom guilt becomes incredibly powerful.
Why This Content Hits Parents So Hard
Parents care deeply about getting this right.
We want to raise children who can handle hard things.
We want them to understand their emotions.
We want them to be resilient.
We want strong relationships with them as they grow.
And, yes, most of us worry sometimes that we're going to mess something up.
So when someone confidently tells you that a seemingly ordinary interaction could damage your child's emotional development, it hits a very vulnerable place.
Maybe you just had a terrible argument with your teenager.
Maybe your four-year-old just had a massive meltdown.
Maybe bedtime was a disaster.
Then you open your phone and someone describes almost exactly what you're experiencing.
You feel seen.
They seem to understand.
And then they offer you a solution.
That's an incredibly compelling combination.
But feeling understood by a piece of content doesn't necessarily mean the advice in it is good.
I've Felt It Too
Here's what makes this especially interesting to me.
I'm a child psychologist.
I talk with parents about these issues every day.
I understand child development.
I also know how social media content works.
And I've still caught myself looking at parenting Instagram and becoming anxious.
That's when I've thought, If this sometimes works on me, imagine how powerful it can be for parents who don't spend their professional lives thinking about child development.
That's one reason I wanted to talk about this.
The answer isn't to develop the perfect Instagram feed filled exclusively with perfect parenting experts.
My first piece of advice would probably be to stay off parenting Instagram completely.
I also know that's not realistic for most people.
So instead, we need tools for evaluating what we're consuming.
Tip #1: Seriously, Turn Off the Sound
This is going to sound ridiculous.
Try watching parenting Reels with the sound off.
Seriously.
Music affects how we experience something.
Think about a horror movie.
Take away the ominous music and suddenly the scene isn't nearly as scary. Put completely different music behind it and the same footage might even become funny.
Social media creators understand this.
Music can increase tension, urgency, sadness, excitement, or fear.
So if you're watching a parenting Reel that has you panicking about your child's future, mute it.
Read what's actually being said without the dramatic soundtrack.
Removing one of those emotional cues may help you think more clearly about the information you're receiving instead of simply reacting to it.
It's a surprisingly simple way to reduce some of the parenting anxiety that can come from scrolling through parenting content.
Tip #2: Ask Who Is Giving You This Advice
Anyone can make an Instagram account.
Anyone can start a podcast.
I know this because I have both.
There wasn't a special gatekeeper who verified my credentials before allowing me to post something about parenting online.
That means it's your job as the person consuming the information to ask:
Who is this person?
Are they a clinician?
Are they an educator?
Are they a coach?
Are they a parent talking about what worked in their own family?
What are their credentials?
What is their general philosophy?
Do they have expertise related to the thing they're discussing?
And importantly, do you actually trust them?
Someone having children does not automatically make that person a parenting expert.
We all have friends whose parenting makes us think, Wow, I really like how they handled that.
We probably also have moments when we watch another parent and think, Yeah, that's definitely not what I would do.
Why would that suddenly change because the person is speaking confidently into a camera on Instagram?
Credentials Matter, But They're Not Everything
There's another important caveat here.
A professional credential doesn't automatically make every piece of advice good.
Therapists can give bad advice too.
That's why you need to look beyond someone's title.
Look at the broader message they're communicating.
Are they constantly frightening parents?
Do they present their opinion as an absolute truth?
Do they suggest there's only one acceptable way to respond to a child?
Do they make you feel like ordinary mistakes will have devastating consequences?
Do they immediately offer you a product that supposedly fixes the problem they just convinced you that you have?
Being a critical consumer is part of effective parenting in a world where advice is constantly coming at us from our phones.
Tip #3: Look for Nuance
This may be the biggest red flag I want parents to recognize.
Parenting is nuanced.
There are very few absolute rules that apply to every child, every parent, and every situation.
If you've listened to Educated Parent, you've probably heard me give caveats constantly.
I might say, “Here's one thing you could consider.”
Then I'll explain circumstances where that advice may not apply.
That's not because I'm trying to avoid giving you an answer.
It's because real children are complicated.
Families are complicated.
Development is complicated.
There isn't one magic sentence that fixes everything.
And there usually isn't one sentence that ruins everything either.
Be Suspicious of “Say This, Never Say That”
Every so often, a parenting rule seems to spread across the internet.
Suddenly parents are told never to use a particular phrase.
One example I've seen is the idea that parents shouldn't say, “I'm proud of you.”
Where did that rule come from?
Why are we treating it like a universal truth?
When I see parenting advice presented that way, I become skeptical.
If someone tells you there's one thing you should never say to a child with ADHD because it will ruin them, slow down.
If they tell you there's one sentence that will prevent your child from having a meltdown, slow down.
If they tell you that a common interaction is going to destroy your relationship with your teenager, slow down.
Real effective parenting doesn't come from memorizing a script of approved sentences.
If raising emotionally healthy children were that simple, my job as a child psychologist would be much easier.
I'd post the rules on my website.
Every parent would follow them.
We'd all raise perfect children.
Obviously, that's not how this works.
When Fear Comes First and the Sales Pitch Comes Second
I want to be clear about something.
I'm not saying every parenting course is bad.
I'm not saying every coach is untrustworthy.
I'm not saying you should never buy a workbook or program you find through social media.
There are useful resources online.
But pay attention to the sequence.
Did this person make you terrified and then immediately offer you the thing you can buy to make the fear go away?
If so, take a moment before clicking.
Ask yourself:
Did I think I had this problem before I watched this Reel?
What evidence is being offered here?
Is this person acknowledging nuance?
Would I still trust this advice if they weren't selling me something at the end?
That pause can be incredibly valuable.
Social Media Can Create Problems in the Therapy Room
I also see the effects of online parenting advice in my clinical work.
Families sometimes come to a child psychologist after trying strategies they learned online.
Sometimes the strategies simply didn't work.
Sometimes they made the original problem worse.
And sometimes the biggest consequence is that parents arrive carrying an enormous amount of guilt about something that, when we actually talk about typical child development, isn't particularly concerning.
That unnecessary mom guilt matters.
Parents have enough to manage without feeling ashamed because an Instagram Reel convinced them that an ordinary parenting moment caused lasting harm.
You Are Allowed to Question the Expert
One thing I want parents to take from this episode is permission to be skeptical.
That includes being skeptical of me.
If you see my content online, hold me to these standards too.
Does what I'm saying allow for nuance?
Am I presenting something as an absolute when it isn't?
Does the advice make sense given what we know about child development?
Am I helping you understand your child, or am I simply making you scared?
You don't owe someone your trust because they have a large following, impressive graphics, a professional-looking website, or a very confident way of speaking.
Trust should be earned.
That's particularly important when navigating parenting and social media, where expertise and popularity can look almost identical at first glance.
Good Parenting Advice Shouldn't Make You Feel Constantly Terrified
Parenting is hard enough.
There will be moments when you genuinely need to reconsider something you're doing.
There will be times when a professional gives you feedback that's uncomfortable to hear.
Good advice isn't always going to make you feel wonderful.
But there's a difference between useful guidance and constant fear-mongering.
Useful guidance should help you better understand your child.
It should give you tools.
It should acknowledge context.
It should recognize that children are different.
It should leave room for normal mistakes and imperfect moments.
It shouldn't depend on convincing you that one wrong sentence will ruin your child forever.
There Is No Magic Parenting Formula
This may not be the most exciting thing for me to tell you as a child psychologist, but there isn't a magic parenting formula.
There isn't a script that guarantees your child will never struggle.
There isn't a phrase that will prevent every tantrum.
There isn't a parenting style that guarantees you'll never argue with your teenager.
And there isn't a course that can remove all uncertainty from raising another human being.
That uncertainty can be uncomfortable.
It's also normal.
Effective parenting is much more about understanding your individual child, responding thoughtfully, setting appropriate boundaries, repairing when things don't go well, and adjusting as your child develops.
That's harder to package into a 30-second Reel.
But it's much closer to reality.
Give Yourself Permission to Stop Consuming
Finally, remember that you don't actually have to watch this content.
You can unfollow someone.
You can mute an account.
You can stop watching parenting Reels.
You can decide that consuming more parenting information isn't helping you become a better parent.
Sometimes it's just making you more anxious.
If you notice that scrolling consistently increases your parenting anxiety, pay attention to that information.
If every night ends with more mom guilt than you started with, that's worth noticing too.
You are allowed to step away.
Be a Cautious Consumer of Parenting Instagram
I understand the irony of telling you this while I have an Instagram account and a parenting podcast.
But that's exactly why I think this conversation matters.
There is helpful parenting information online.
There are experienced professionals sharing thoughtful advice.
There are funny parenting accounts that make us feel less alone.
And there is also content specifically structured to hit your deepest fears, make you question yourself, and then sell you the solution.
The goal isn't to become afraid of every parenting creator.
It's to become a more thoughtful consumer.
Turn off the sound.
Look at who's talking.
Check their credentials and philosophy.
Look for nuance.
Be cautious of absolutes.
And pay attention when fear is immediately followed by a sales pitch.
When it comes to parenting and social media, you don't need to believe something just because it appeared on your screen and sounded confident.
You know your child in a way an Instagram algorithm never will.
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[00:00:00] Leah Clionsky: We have all been to the dark world of parenting Instagram. Usually, it's at night after the kids have gone to bed, and you're just doomscrolling on your phone, and you see these constant reels and carousels telling you about the one thing that you're doing that's probably going to ruin your child in 10 years, and the other one phrase that, if only you could learn it, it would save your child and your relationship.
[00:00:30] Leah Clionsky: Maybe you're clicking, you're buying the programs, you're buying some of the workbooks that they're trying to sell you, and the entire time, even if you're not buying, your anxiety is creeping up and up and up. I strongly dislike parenting Instagram. Um, I say this as someone who has to be on it in order to promote this podcast, but I dislike it.
[00:00:54] Leah Clionsky: And so in today's episode, I'm going to help you reduce your parenting Instagram anxiety and have some framework for being able to look at that content without having thoughts that you are the worst parent in the entire world or suddenly second-guessing all of your choices. I hope you enjoy. So as I stated before, I almost feel hypocritical recording this episode because I am on parenting Instagram.
[00:01:23] Leah Clionsky: I have this podcast, "Educated Parent." I want people to know it exists so they can listen to it and get evidence-based parenting advice. But a lot of the content on parenting Instagram, I personally find to be terrifying and upsetting, and a lot of it makes me really, really angry as both a parent who's consuming it and as an expert who talks to parents every single day.
[00:01:51] Leah Clionsky: Here is what we know about parenting Instagram. It is actually designed to make us feel anxious. Why? Why is it designed to scare us? It is designed to scare us because scared people buy products. Scared people who are worried about their decisions, who are concerned that they're doing wrong things, are looking for experts, and then these experts are conveniently located to sell u- sell us the product that will be the, quote-unquote, "answer" to our problems.
[00:02:28] Leah Clionsky: And when I go on, I see lots of content like this, you know, and I'm gonna exaggerate, okay? But it's not that far of an exaggeration. "I am four years old, and I want a popsicle. Mommy says, 'No, you cannot have a popsicle.' Now I am 39 years old. The only thing I want to eat is popsicles because my mother told me no to popsicles, and now I have a deep attachment wound.
[00:02:54] Leah Clionsky: Buy my program so you know the exact thing to say so that your child will not develop this problem." Right? It is kind of like that. Like, I'm paraphrasing, but it is kind of like that. You know, I, you know, you are doing this thing. Sometimes people will speak from the first person, like, "I'm ha- I had this conversation with my 14-year-old, and I set a boundary, and then he looked at me the exact way I looked at my mother when I was 14 years old, and it's when I stopped trusting her.
[00:03:25] Leah Clionsky: And I know that there was this one sentence that I said to him that rebuilt our trust. In order to learn the sentence I used that kept our relationship from being destroyed, put sentences in the comments, and I will send you the link to my course." Right? Like this, it is full of these sorts of things.
[00:03:45] Leah Clionsky: It's also full of some funny things, some relatable parenting content, and some ways that parents are dealing with their own children, some of which I would support, some of which honestly make me very concerned And then there's a lot of just deep fear-mongering. And what I think is so hard about it is that it hits at a lot of pain points for us parents.
[00:04:08] Leah Clionsky: Like, we deeply care about our children and about being good parents who help them develop into strong human adults who can handle tough things and understand their emotions and still move forwards with resilience. Like, we have these ideas of who we want our kids to be. But the things that get clicks and likes and follows and saves, which by the way is what feeds the algorithm, which is what fuels creators, those things, if they scare you and are divisive, are way more likely to go viral and also to make you buy products.
[00:04:48] Leah Clionsky: So they are engineered to kind of capitalize on your worst fears, your fears that you are doing something now that will damage your child later, that you are doing something or not doing something, and that there is a magic silver bullet, and if only you knew what it was, it would solve all of these problems.
[00:05:07] Leah Clionsky: And if you're distressed, if you just had a terrible fight with your 14-year-old, right? If you just had a massive meltdown from your four-year-old, looking and feeling seen in the content makes you feel like you have a solution to your problem, and then it's easy to go down the rabbit hole and believe whatever this person tells you next.
[00:05:29] Leah Clionsky: And sometimes the advice is helpful, and sometimes the advice is really, really problematic and damaging. And then where I see it on the clinical side is when people come in to see a child psychologist after implementing some of these things and realizing either that they don't work or that they've made the problem worse, or maybe that they just feel incredible, massive guilt over things that don't matter in the least when we sit down and talk about typical child development And like, I have felt it too.
[00:06:02] Leah Clionsky: Like I, because I have to create content, have looked at parenting Instagram and even felt myself getting really anxious. And, you know, when I take a step back and I'm thinking, "Wow, if this works on me sometimes, it must be working on everyone really strongly." And so that's why I recorded this episode, so that we have some ways of being able to filter through that content and being able to not take it in and believe everything we hear.
[00:06:31] Leah Clionsky: How do we find credibility in parenting Instagram? My first advice, honestly, would just be to avoid it completely, but I know that's not realistic. So if you choose to delve into the dark world of parenting Instagram, let's talk about some ways that you can actually vet your experience a little so you are less likely to feel overly anxious, and you're more likely to follow and consume content that's based on the evidence and isn't just scaring you to sell you things.
[00:07:01] Leah Clionsky: Okay, so my first piece of advice if you choose to go into the parenting Instagram rabbit hole is to listen, to watch it with no sound Seriously. Like, remember, this content is designed to make you anxious. What makes you anxious? Music. Think about watching a horror movie with no sound. Less scary, significantly less scary.
[00:07:26] Leah Clionsky: Haven't you even seen those reels on Instagram where they put different music behind horror movies and you're like, "Oh, this is now funny"? If you take the sound away, you take away one of the anxiety, fear-inducing tools. So watch it without sound, and you will be more able to use your prefrontal cortex to evaluate the information.
[00:07:48] Leah Clionsky: Literally, just turn the sound off if you wanna watch it. It'll be less engaging, but it will also let you think more clearly. So I know that sounds silly, but seriously, try it. No sound on your Instagram. Number two, really think about who is this expert who's giving you advice. Again, I feel like a hypocrite saying this, but anyone can pose as an expert on Instagram or have a podcast.
[00:08:15] Leah Clionsky: Like, there's no special thing I had to do. I didn't have to register with some, like, psychologist credentials to have access to social media or podcasting. Literally anybody can set themselves up this way. So look at who is it who is giving you this advice. Are they a clinician or are they a random parent?
[00:08:36] Leah Clionsky: Because what we know about random parents is we all have parenting friends where we're like, we're like, "Wow, they really got some things figured out. I like this." And we also have parent friends where we're like, "Yikes, you know, I would never do this the way that they are doing this right now." Right? Like, just because you are a parent does not mean that you have credibility and everyone should follow your advice on the internet.
[00:08:58] Leah Clionsky: We all know this realistically, but when it's set up and positioned on Instagram, "I have a child, I had this experience, this was my life, here are the things I did that changed things," it doesn't mean that that person did something that you should actually copy. So really look at, do you want to trust this person who is going to sound very, very, very confident?
[00:09:25] Leah Clionsky: Do you trust them? Do they have credentials that you think are worth following? And by the way, you can also be a therapist who gives terrible advice. So I know that's a kind of a scary thing to think about, too. But really thinking about, like, what is their general philosophy and do I wanna follow it? So first off, no sound.
[00:09:44] Leah Clionsky: Second of all, look at the person who is giving you the advice and think about if you feel that they are actually a trustworthy source. And again, that's hard to do when you're in your feelings and they seem to be articulating your exact pain point. But by the way, they are trained to articulate your exact pain point, and ChatGPT will tell them how to articulate it.
[00:10:07] Leah Clionsky: So you g- you have to be a cautious consumer of the information you receive. The next thing I really think about is nuance. There is very little black and white truth i- in the world about parenting. Parenting is nuanced. If you listen to the episodes of "Educated Parent," there are usually several caveats I'm giving you about the, these situations.
[00:10:36] Leah Clionsky: I'm like, "Well, here is one thing you could consider, and here's something else, and it's not gonna apply to this kind of parent." There is a very little that is right and wrong. There are a couple things, right? Like abusing kids is just wrong, right? So there are certain things that are just clearly not good, but then there's very rarely a perfect sentence you could say that will fix things, or one phrase you could make that would ruin everything for your child.
[00:11:04] Leah Clionsky: And there, this is where, like, these rules start to develop that aren't based on anything. This rule, "We can never say I'm proud of you." I'm like, where did this come from? This makes no sense, and it's antithetical to parenting research and literature, right? But it's very easy for people to come up with those things.
[00:11:23] Leah Clionsky: So if you are looking at content and it's telling you it's too scary, there's the one thing you say that, that if you say it to your child with ADHD, you will ruin them, right? Any of these one things, that thing, you know, it's clearly set up to scare you, and it's not nuanced Buyer beware, right? Be concerned.
[00:11:46] Leah Clionsky: Really check your trust because that's just not how things work. If things worked that way, being a child psychologist would be so much easier. I would just post a bunch of rules on my website about what you should and shouldn't do, and then everyone would follow it, and we would all raise perfect children.
[00:12:01] Leah Clionsky: And I would do it too. But that's just not how things are. And so again, any of those phrases that are so specific, "Say this, don't say that. Get the magic formula," be, be concerned, be less trusting. And then especially at the end, if they're, you're going to buy something, right, be more concerned about that.
[00:12:26] Leah Clionsky: I'm not saying that every single thing that you could buy through Instagram is terrible and that all coaching programs are bad, but if it's set up to scare you and then sell you, be, be, um, be a little bit cautious. Take it in with a grain of salt. So re- to recap, if you are on parenting Instagram and it is making you anxious, don't worry, it is designed that way.
[00:12:50] Leah Clionsky: It does not mean you're a bad parent. You don't have to consume it. But if you do consume it, consume it with a grain of salt, and feel free to hold me to the same standards if you're watching me on parenting Instagram. I think you'll find that I am almost exactly the same as I am in this podcast, which is almost exactly the same as you would, I would be if you met me in real life.
[00:13:09] Leah Clionsky: But again, I, I'm totally fine with you holding me to those standards. I think you should hold everyone to those standards. And, you know, in some ways, things were easier before we even had this way of talking to other people about our parenting. So I wish you a nice, relaxing time. If you are looking for actual evidence-based parenting advice to help your specific child, this is where we can really help you at Thriving Child Center.
[00:13:38] Leah Clionsky: We are really specific about who we bring on. We bring on seasoned experts to help you solve parenting problems, and we can absolutely help. You can schedule a free matching call through our website, and we'll help you find the exact right specialist to find the problem, to solve the problem you're dealing with.
[00:13:56] Leah Clionsky: And if we can't help you, we'll refer you out to one of our amazing colleagues who is better suited to help you. But that's what's important to me is that people get the kind of help they need. So I hope everything is going well. I hope you stay off the internet, and I will talk to you again next time.