How to Take Care of Yourself With a Baby at Home - The Counterintuitive Advice That Works with Elyse Traverse
How to Take Care of Yourself With a Baby at Home: The Counterintuitive Advice That Works
Bringing your baby home is one of those moments you can prepare for endlessly and still feel completely unprepared for once it actually happens.
There's no manual. You're exhausted. You're trying to figure out feeding and sleeping while simultaneously wondering when you're supposed to shower, eat, use the bathroom, or feel remotely like yourself again.
Then everyone gives you the same advice:
"Make sure you take care of yourself."
Great. But how exactly are you supposed to do that when you have a newborn who needs you?
In this episode of The Educated Parent Podcast, I talked with pediatric nurse practitioner and lactation counselor Elyse Traverse about the practical advice for new moms she shares with the parents she works with every day.
And some of her recommendations might surprise you.
Taking care of yourself with a baby at home doesn't necessarily require finding hours away from your child. Sometimes it starts with releasing mom guilt, finding meaningful postpartum support, and realizing that your baby does not need to be entertained every second they're awake.
For overwhelmed parents, that can be a huge relief.
Why New Moms Feel So Much Pressure
New parents aren't just worried about keeping their babies safe anymore.
They're worried about optimizing everything.
How many minutes of tummy time should I do?
How many books should I read?
Which toys are developmentally appropriate?
Am I stimulating my baby enough?
Could they fall behind?
And underneath many of those questions is a much scarier one:
"If my child struggles later, will it be because I did something wrong?"
That's an enormous burden to carry.
Elyse sees this anxiety regularly in her work with new parents. Many aren't experiencing diagnosed postpartum anxiety. They're experiencing what has become an incredibly common level of worry among new moms.
Add social media into the mix, and the pressure can become even stronger.
Parents are constantly exposed to messages suggesting that every tiny decision has lifelong consequences.
It's no wonder mom guilt starts so early.
The First Thing New Moms Need: Community
One of Elyse's biggest recommendations has nothing to do with baby gear, feeding schedules, or sleep.
Find people who are in it with you.
Not simply friends who have children.
Find parents with babies around the same age who are currently experiencing the same sleepless nights, feeding questions, and identity shifts you are.
Elyse runs a new moms group through the South Boston Community Health Center, and she sees firsthand how powerful this kind of postpartum support can be.
These are the people you can text during a 2 a.m. feeding and ask:
"Anybody else awake?"
They're the people who understand why a successful nap feels like a major accomplishment.
They're also the people who can lend you the swaddle their baby loved, meet you for coffee, take a walk with you, or simply remind you that you're not the only person figuring this out.
Don't Wait Until the Baby Arrives to Find Your Village
This was one of the things I wish I had understood before having my own children.
I prepared for the baby.
I thought about car seats and all the things babies need.
I didn't necessarily prepare for the community I would need.
If you're pregnant now, consider looking for postpartum support before your baby arrives.
Elyse recommends checking local parenting groups, asking your pediatrician about new-parent groups, and looking through resources provided by your hospital.
Finding your community may deserve a spot on the baby-preparation checklist right alongside buying the car seat.
That's some of the most useful advice for new moms I wish I'd had myself.
Stop Trying to Entertain Your Baby All Day
Here's where Elyse's advice becomes a little more counterintuitive.
You don't need to entertain your baby every moment they're awake.
Really.
Once babies become a little more alert, parents often feel enormous pressure to constantly provide developmentally appropriate stimulation.
But your baby doesn't need you sitting next to them orchestrating activities all day.
Instead, Elyse suggests creating simple "stations" around your home.
You might have:
A blanket with a few toys
A safe infant seat
A mirror your baby enjoys looking at
A tummy-time area
A safe space near the kitchen while you do something else
When your baby gets bored with one environment, you can move them to another.
The important part is that you don't necessarily have to sit there entertaining them.
Your Dishwasher Can Be an Activity
This was one of my favorite reframes from our conversation.
Let's say you need to load the dishwasher.
Your baby can safely hang out nearby while you do it.
They hear the dishes clanking.
They watch you moving around.
They see the lights.
They hear your voice.
That's stimulation.
You don't necessarily need to wait until your baby falls asleep before you're allowed to accomplish something.
And this isn't about ignoring your child so you can get chores done.
It's about understanding that normal life can be interesting to a baby.
For overwhelmed parents, that shift can take enormous pressure off nap time.
Quality Matters More Than Quantity
Many thoughtful parents feel like they should constantly engage with their babies.
But nobody can provide high-quality, undivided attention all day.
It's exhausting.
Instead, think about quality over quantity.
Have moments when you're genuinely present with your baby.
Look at them.
Talk to them.
Make noises back and forth.
Laugh.
Enjoy them.
Then give yourself permission to back away a little.
This reminds me of something we teach parents of older children in Parent-Child Interaction Therapy. Five minutes of really focused, high-quality attention can be incredibly valuable.
Trying to maintain that level of attention every minute of the day isn't realistic.
Leave the Happy Baby Alone
This may be my favorite piece of advice for new moms from the entire conversation:
Leave your happy baby alone.
If your baby wakes up in their crib and they're happily cooing, looking around, or staring at the ceiling fan, you don't need to immediately rush in and start the day.
They're okay.
They're having an experience.
They're listening to their own voice.
They're observing the world.
Elyse makes an excellent point: imagine if every morning, the second you opened your eyes, someone appeared over your bed saying:
"Good morning! Let's get dressed! What are we doing today? Let's go!"
You might want a few quiet minutes, too.
Alone Time Isn't Just Good for You
This distinction matters because mom guilt can make anything that feels good for the parent seem selfish.
You might think:
"Sure, I'd love five more minutes, but shouldn't I go get my baby?"
Elyse's point is that leaving a safe, content baby alone for a little while isn't merely something you're getting away with.
That independent time can be perfectly appropriate for your baby, too.
If they're safe and happy, they don't necessarily need you to interrupt what they're doing simply because you think a "good mom" would be constantly engaging.
Take the Shower While Your Baby Is Awake
Another piece of counterintuitive advice?
Stop waiting for naps to do everything.
If you desperately need a shower, you don't necessarily need to wait until your baby is asleep.
Bring your baby into the bathroom in an appropriate safe space.
They can experience the sounds, steam, lights, and change of environment while you shower.
Elyse's point isn't merely that doing this is permissible.
It's that everyday experiences can provide perfectly appropriate stimulation for a baby.
That's especially important because if every one of your basic needs depends on your baby's naps, suddenly those naps become incredibly high stakes.
Your baby has to sleep because you haven't showered.
They have to sleep because you need to eat.
They have to sleep because it's your only opportunity to get anything done.
That's a lot of pressure for everyone.
Taking Care of Yourself Helps You Parent
Self-care during the newborn stage doesn't need to mean spa days, long workouts, or elaborate routines.
Sometimes it means taking the shower.
Sometimes it means letting your happy baby hang out safely while you drink your coffee.
Sometimes it means texting another mom at 2 a.m. so you don't feel alone.
Sometimes it means giving your baby five minutes of wonderful, focused attention and then allowing yourself to do something else.
That's why practical postpartum support matters so much. New parents need more than someone telling them to "take care of themselves." They need realistic ways to actually do it.
A Note About Postpartum Anxiety
It's also important to recognize when ordinary new-parent worry becomes something more significant.
Elyse shared that she experienced severe postpartum anxiety after her first child, and one of the messages she wants parents to hear is that this isn't something you have to navigate alone.
If your anxiety is interfering significantly with your ability to sleep, function, or care for yourself, reach out to a qualified healthcare professional.
Asking for help is part of taking care of yourself.
You Don't Have to Be a Perfect Mom
Neither Elyse nor I is a perfect parent.
We both work professionally with children and families, and we both know that having expertise doesn't make parenting effortless when it's your own child and your own emotions involved.
Parenthood is humbling that way.
But maybe that's also an important message for overwhelmed parents.
Your baby doesn't need a perfect parent.
You don't have to optimize every waking moment.
You don't have to choose the perfect developmental activity.
And you don't have to sacrifice every one of your basic needs to prove you're doing a good job.
Build your community.
Create safe places for your baby to hang out.
Give them wonderful, focused attention sometimes.
And when they're perfectly happy without you?
Let them be happy.
You can take the shower.
LET'S CONNECT:
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CONNECT WITH ELYSE TRAVERSE:
Email - elissetravers@gmail.com
Mom’s Group Meeting - South Boston Community Health Center - Every Wednesday at 1pm in the Community Room on the 3rd floor
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[00:00:00] Leah: Do you remember bringing your baby home from the hospital and just feeling so overwhelmed once you got there? There's no manual, no one tells you what to do, and now you're all alone with this newborn just trying to figure it out. And everyone gives you the most ridiculous advice where they're just like, "Take care of yourself," and you don't even know what that means.
[00:00:21] Leah: That's what this episode of Educated Parent is all about. How are you going to take care of yourself with the baby at home, and what is some good counterintuitive advice that we can give you to help you out? So I am here right now with Elise Traverse, and I'm gonna let her introduce herself because I'm so excited to have her here
[00:00:42] Elyse: Leah, thank you so much for having me. My name is Elyse Traverse, and I'm a pediatric nurse practitioner in Boston, Massachusetts and lactation counselor as well. I work at the South Boston Community Health Center right on Broadway and Southie, as many people will be familiar with if you're from the Boston area.
[00:00:59] Elyse: And I run a mom's group on Wednesdays that has become really popular in the best ways. So I love doing it. I love having people come to it. It feels like such a fulfilling, fulfilling group. And that's what I'm really here to share about today. In addition to all the, I deal with babies who are from zero to up to age 26.
[00:01:20] Elyse: I do the primary care of it all. I do the sick visits of it all. So much of what I do is supporting new moms and new parents in those early months and building those relationships
[00:01:29] Leah: Yeah, and how I found Elise, my amazing guest, is because my sister is actually in her mom group and absolutely loves it. The level of community and the place to ask questions and just to get the reassurance that you need in that kind of desperate time when let's face it I was definitely not on my game.
[00:01:49] Leah: I felt like a weird shell of myself when I was home on maternity leave with both of my kids, and it's isolating
[00:01:55] Elyse: Totally. And she's such a great addition to the group. Love having her.
[00:01:59] Leah: Shout out to Allie.
[00:02:00] Elyse: Yeah.
[00:02:03] Leah: So when you're running the mom group and you have-- How many moms usually come to it, first of all?
[00:02:10] Elyse: Sometimes it'll be a more intimate group, like eight, and other times we've had, close to 30, and it's moms and babies. So it can be quite a boisterous group. Sometimes the weather will determine that.
[00:02:22] Leah: Do you find that moms are coming in more to talk about their baby or more to figure out how they are gonna make it through? Or is-- Are they asking about their baby as a way of asking how they're gonna make it through?
[00:02:37] Elyse: Exactly right on that second part there. So I feel like I get the general sense, right? There's the how do I get my baby to sleep? How do I put my baby down for a nap? What should their nap schedule be? What, what am I supposed to be doing with them throughout the day? And really what it leans on, it leans back to is how am I supposed to take a shower? How am I supposed to get any rest? When am I supposed to take them out to meet people if this is what their nap schedule is supposed to be? Like, how am I not going to mess this up? And I am also desperate to be able to sleep or do other things for me.
[00:03:15] Leah: So like, how do I get my basic needs met without endangering my baby? Because what I'm deeply afraid of is that I'm going to make some terrible mistake and ruin everything
[00:03:25] Elyse: Totally. And endangering baby to our society today sometimes comes across as if I'm not doing the next appropriate developmental thing for my child, they're not gonna go to college. And so this is even from the early weeks, right? People will come into the office and say, "Okay, so how many minutes of tummy time am I supposed to be doing?
[00:03:45] Elyse: And like how much books, how many books are we supposed to be reading? And what's the next thing at, three and a half weeks, what's the appropriate toy?" So that sort of pressure is there, and so people are there to talk about it and figure all that out.
[00:03:59] Leah: It's scary to feel that much pressure because you and I can be like, "It is fine. You're gonna be fine," right? But if you're thinking, "If I don't put out the right toy if I don't read the right amount of books, if I don't do the right amount of things, and then my child struggles, is it all my fault?"
[00:04:17] Leah: And that is a really heavy burden to, to experience
[00:04:22] Elyse: And like mom guilt, shout out to mom guilt.
[00:04:24] Leah: I know. Mom guilt is
[00:04:25] Elyse: gift you never asked for
[00:04:27] Leah: The gift society gives you repeatedly, they give you mom shame, right? And then you experience mom guilt, and you kind of-- either way you go, someone is criticizing you. "Oh, you care too much. You're too anxious. What?
[00:04:41] Leah: You're not trying hard enough." You can never really end up in a place that's acceptable
[00:04:46] Elyse: Take time for yourself, but also don't leave your baby.
[00:04:49] Leah: Yeah.
[00:04:50] Elyse: Go outside to exercise. Wait, you have a babysitter?
[00:04:53] Leah: Yeah, exactly. And also Instagram I personally find makes it so much worse because it will be like once you l-- I'm three months old and my mom left the room and now I feel abandonment wounds forever,
[00:05:06] Elyse: Oh. Oh my gosh.
[00:05:07] Leah: it's scary, right? So everything's like fear-inducing. Yeah. Absolutely overwhelming and hard. Yeah. Is there a common thing parents are most afraid of that you hear in the group?
[00:05:23] Elyse: That's a great question. I think it's being, their child being behind
[00:05:29] Elyse: On something developmentally and they don't know
[00:05:32] Leah: Right
[00:05:32] Elyse: about it, or there's something that they should have done that they didn't do to help get them to where they're supposed to be
[00:05:39] Leah: And it's interesting, it's 'cause you're not describing like parents with diagnosed postpartum anxiety. This is like a typical presentation of new mom right now.
[00:05:48] Elyse: Yes. Absolutely
[00:05:51] Leah: Yeah. Isn't that wild? It's very anxiety focused, but this is this is how the general, like this is average. And so if you have postpartum anxiety, you are like refusing to sleep because what if your baby stops breathing, right?
[00:06:04] Leah: So you're at like a whole different level. But even this level, just talking about it, I'm feeling more anxious
[00:06:09] Elyse: Totally. I so am I. And that it's just one of those things that it's like, how then do you know when it slips into postpartum anxiety if this is what the baseline of what people are talking about in the conversations that we're having? And I think some of that's what happens at mom's group, where I'm just like, even just my demeanor, sometimes I'm like, "Ugh, I am not worried about that. will tell you when I'm worried about that. Your do- your provider will tell you when they're worried. I just wanna take that from you just a little bit, just a little bit, that as someone with their two of their own small children, like I get, I feel it deep in my bones, like the anxiety that you're feeling, but I just wanna take some of it from you."
[00:06:45] Leah: Yeah. It sounds like you're-- It's almost group therapy, really. You're sitting there, yeah, and you're like, "I am the calm one," right? "I am radiating calm because I know things will be fine, and I need to help this entire group see that they are good parents who are doing their best, and the things they're worried about are not the things you should be worried about in terms of impacting your baby."
[00:07:06] Elyse: And then I remind them that I am also, even though I do this for a living, I'm a mom, and I'm not a perfect mom. I struggled with my own postpartum anxiety, like pretty severe with my first. And so just want to make sure it's out there and be like, "We can talk about this. This is something to be talked about.
[00:07:23] Elyse: It is not something you have to do alone. We're all in this together."
[00:07:26] Leah: Oh, we all are. Like, listeners of this show will know that I talk about h- the fact that even though I am a child psychologist, I am not a perfect parent. I talk about that all the time because it's just true, right? It's very different to be in the medi- medical person's ha- place, right?
[00:07:43] Leah: Looking at someone else and saying, "This is all fine," right? And then it's happening to you, and you have your own feelings involved, and it's like you can't see clearly when it's affecting you directly. And it's humbling, to be honest, isn't it?
[00:07:59] Elyse: Totalt, ja
[00:08:00] Leah: Yeah. And you're like, "Oh, okay. This is harder when it's happening to me."
[00:08:04] Leah: And so nobody's perfect, nobody's navigating these kinds of things 100% perfectly, but there are things you can do that will help, for sure.
[00:08:13] Elyse: Absolutely
[00:08:14] Leah: Yeah. So now I'm already excited for you to talk about some strategies. So how can moms help their, themselves while they're taking care of their babies? Like, how miserable do we really have to be, Elise?
[00:08:29] Leah: What is the required amount?
[00:08:31] Elyse: Only a 10% miserable, right? Sleep deprivation is a form of torture, literally, and some of that will be happening at the beginning. But it should only be a very small amount of actual, suffering. There needs to be, joy and excitement and a group around you, and we need to concoct the village that, it takes a village to, raise children, and that's not what our modern society has prepared us for or given us the opportunity to do on a regular basis.
[00:08:55] Elyse: And so one of the things, finding that community. So I talk about moms group. Finding the people who are in it with you. With you. Not your friends. Yes, it's great to have friends who have kids. Their kids are five, their kids are three. They're not in it at the same time as you. Finding the people who you can text at 2:00 AM in the morning to be like, "Hey, I'm up for my third feed of the night.
[00:09:18] Elyse: Anybody else up?" And s- having those people to rely on, to l- joke around with, to be like, "Can I borrow that swaddle that you said worked really well? Let's try out this new thing." Having those people who are in it with you is absolutely, invaluable. I can't stress that enough, having the people in your community
[00:09:38] Leah: Yeah. I shared with you before that I didn't have that. I did not know that was an important thing to have when I had-- Well, my second baby was in the middle of COVID, so that would've been hard to get anyway. But, and then I look at my sister in your mom's group, and I'm s- like, I'm envious.
[00:09:54] Leah: I'm like: Look at you with friends, having coffee and not feeling so isolated and
[00:10:00] Elyse: Totally. I tell them every week, I, I, when we get, when we dismiss at 2:00, I'm always like, "Go enjoy the thing that you guys are all planning to do today. I know you like go get coffee or margaritas or walk to the park." I'm just so jealous. I didn't actually do those things either. Like similar to you, it's, my first was during COVID.
[00:10:16] Elyse: I did luckily h- was able to join a mom's group for my second, which was a godsend, and I'm still friends with those people. But yeah. Especially first time around parents, like I cannot stress the importance enough of having that community around you.
[00:10:30] Leah: So if there isn't, obviously you cannot be in every city creating a mom's group. Is there any good rule of finding one? Or like if there isn't one, how would you recommend someone find some community?
[00:10:43] Elyse: Yeah, so I would join your local Facebook groups of moms, so your town or surrounding towns, shout out Newton moms. And say, and ask for, local community moms groups, baby classes, that sort of stuff, to see if that stuff exists already. And then talking to your pediatrician.
[00:11:00] Elyse: For ours, we run it out of our pediatrician's office. You don't have to be, you don't have to be a patient out of our office to attend group, so we have our community-based, I'm not even sure Allie is a patient at our office.
[00:11:10] Leah: Is now because of
[00:11:11] Elyse: she is now. Fabulous. Shout out South Boston Community Health Center.
[00:11:16] Elyse: Talking to your pediatrician, I've noticed some of the local hospitals have it on their discharge paperwork, but that's not necessarily something that you're thinking about as you're, like, bleeding and about to bring this new baby home. But just if you hear this, a trigger back to go to your discharge paperwork, because I do find that sometimes those will include some recommendations for local groups
[00:11:35] Leah: Yeah. If I had known how important this was, I would've started looking for one when I was like car seat shopping. It's like you do so much like prep for the baby, and this is not on the lists. And like in retrospect, like at that point I had a lot more energy and like bandwidth to think of something like that.
[00:11:53] Leah: I should've been researching that aspect. So I guess if you know someone or you're expecting a baby and you're listening to "Educated Parent," this might be the moment to start looking for some community specifically around you.
[00:12:07] Elyse: Great point
[00:12:08] Leah: Okay. What's the second thing we can do?
[00:12:11] Elyse: Second thing, so stations. Stations around your house or stations in the same room. So you get to the point where your baby is, six to eight weeks old. They're starting to smile at you a bit. They wanna interact. They're actually interested in different activities. They like to look at things. They like to look at different lights.
[00:12:29] Elyse: They like the sound of your voice. All of these things are true. So they can have some moments where they suddenly get bored. So you're like, "Wait, you're not hungry. You're not tired. You just need something new." And this is where parents start to step in and are like, "What am I supposed to be do with my baby all day?
[00:12:43] Elyse: And what's the developmentally appropriate thing that I need to be doing?" Setting up stations as simple as an infant swing, a blanket on the floor with some toys or books spread out or propped up a bouncer seat sitting in the corner, a blank-- another blanket on the floor with the crazy tummy time crab that people will have that will scare the heck out of your toddler and your dog, but babies love it.
[00:13:11] Elyse: Setting up stations so that once you put your baby down and give them the space to just be, and they are safe there, as soon as they f- you start to seem like they're actually not interested anymore, you can just rotate them to another station, another safe space that you have already set up. This can give you some moments to, load the dishwasher.
[00:13:31] Elyse: Not that I'm saying that's the priority for everyone. If you have other people, this is the time to delegate loading the dishwasher. But these are the things that people are like, "I need to wait until my baby's sleeping to do." And what I think is challenging you to do them when your baby is awake.
[00:13:45] Elyse: So having that safe space in the kitchen where they can listen to the noise of you putting the dishes in the dishwasher, the lights, the clanking, like all of that is stimulating for them and is a totally appropriate activity for them to witness and not feeling guilty about doing something like that while your baby is awake.
[00:14:03] Leah: Yeah, I'm-- what I'm hearing you really say is you can put your baby down and not be completely actively engaged with them. It's not like your job is not to go through these stations and like you sit and you play with them next to the bouncer, and then you move them to the second station and you sit and you interact with the toys.
[00:14:19] Leah: What you're saying is, hey, you can just put them there, and then like as long as it's in a safe place, you could walk to the other side of the room or maybe even out of the room, with a baby monitor and just make sure they're okay. Obviously, don't
[00:14:33] Elyse: Absolutely. You are earning, you are figuring out that time, how much time does that station earn you on a daily basis? And, you can cross compare with your friends "I got this really great mirror. I've just been putting this mirror right on this blanket. Gets me four and a half minutes every time."
[00:14:48] Elyse: And things like that
[00:14:50] Leah: Yeah, I think it's where if you are a parent who is a very consciously parenting, right? Who's already very involved and concerned, there does feel like this pressure to be like, "I should constantly engage." And then the problem is you actually, at least you burn out, right? 'Cause babies are cute, but they are not that interesting.
[00:15:10] Elyse: Sure.
[00:15:10] Leah: it's just like they can't talk to you, right? So it's like you're there and you're, like, trying to play with them, but then I think at a certain point, if you burn out, then you're on your phone and then not engaging with them when you should be. Like, how do you find a middle ground where you can get enough space so that your time with them is quality?
[00:15:26] Elyse: Totally, 'cause it's all about quality versus quantity. I, I, and I'll challenge people with this all the time. I'll be, "I know you're asking about all these things, but how much time do you think you're actually one-on-one just staring at your baby, saying some words, doing some, back and forth noises and l- laughter and all of those things?"
[00:15:46] Elyse: Versus being like, we're reading this book, we're doing this other thing. I'm partially distracted thinking about the next thing that we're gonna do. And really it's just short spurt quality time versus the quantity
[00:15:56] Leah: This reminds me a lot of what we talk about in parent-child interaction therapy, where we're asking parents to give five minutes of undivided, very high quality multivitamin of attention a day. And usually the immediate pushback is, "Oh, I play with them all day." And I'm like there's no way," and I can say this as a parent of two little kids, "that you are giving high quality attention that entire time," because it's impossible.
[00:16:21] Leah: It's actually very tiring. And so it's better to have those five minutes that are completely dedicated than to be on your phone, engaged, and your child can feel like you're not really there. And it's the same with babies. It's a different thing
[00:16:34] Elyse: Yes. That just, I just felt that so deeply. I was like, "I don't want to play imaginary trains for hours at a time.
[00:16:42] Leah: But you could play it
[00:16:43] Elyse: Please don't make me." Yes.
[00:16:45] Leah: five minutes, right?
[00:16:46] Elyse: But I can do that for five minutes, absolutely
[00:16:49] Leah: Yeah. And then you can give yourself permission to be like, "Okay, and now I will back out of this a little bit," because it's that intensity, the full attention that really matters.
[00:16:59] Elyse: Yes
[00:16:59] Leah: Yeah. All right. So tell me the third strategy.
[00:17:03] Elyse: Okay, so I guess feeding off of that, I am all about telling people to leave their happy baby alone. Leave them alone. Leave them alone. You feel the pressure externally, internally, the mom guilt that you're, need to be entertaining this baby at all times. You don't need to be doing that. People say, "How long should I leave my baby in the crib when they wake up?
[00:17:32] Elyse: Is it okay if they're in there for a few minutes?" And I say, "Heck yes. Leave that happy baby in there." If they are cooing to themself, if they are looking at the ceiling fan, they are having a wonderful experience hearing their own noises and their own voice, which is developmentally appropriate for them. you even imagine if the moment you woke up in the morning, there was just a person who appeared upon opening your eyelids and was just like, "Hello. Good morning. What are we doing today? Let's change our diaper. Let's get dressed. Let's get ready. We're gonna do this and this." I would go crazy.
[00:18:05] Elyse: I'd be like, "Get out of here, lady." So normalizing that and saying, "Leave that baby alone." They are happy. They are content. They are the equivalent of, scrolling on your phone or snoozing your alarm a few times. Chilling, and that is totally fine
[00:18:22] Leah: Do you think, as you like describe this example, and I can remember like my, my son like lying in his crib and like being happy in the morning. I think it almost, it was like, do you-- maybe I don't deserve to rest a little bit more, right? Maybe I don't deserve this like five-minute shower I'm gonna take because if I were a better mom, if I were a quote unquote good mom, I would be in there.
[00:18:47] Leah: So it's almost like because it feels good, it's wrong. I
[00:18:50] Elyse: And that's why I cha- that's why I phrase it this way, and I wanna challenge people 'cause I'm like, it's good for your child to be in there alone. This is not just you, like, abusing the time that they're happy. That's a healthy behavior. It's a healthy behavior for your baby to wake up and be able to chill
[00:19:09] Leah: Right
[00:19:10] Elyse: and not be overstimulated.
[00:19:12] Elyse: That is totally appropriate for them. That's not just something that's beneficial to you, it's actually great for them. And so that's where I I make this big sort of joking little example, but really it's, it is totally good for your baby to have some alone time and to be, entertaining, entertaining themself as much as an infant does that.
[00:19:29] Leah: Yeah, just like if your toddler is like happily building something by themselves and they're really into it and they're like having a good time, you do not have to insert yourself in that.
[00:19:39] Elyse: Totally. And I'm guilty of it myself, and I'm sure, w- guilty of it especially when they're little babies and you have this new cool toy and, your child's laying on the floor and you're like have a look at this." When really they were fine. They were totally fine, and now they're just being shifted to the next activity.
[00:19:55] Elyse: Wait. Wait until your child is ready for a switch up, and then offer them that next thing. You don't have to be... You're not there to be the entertainer. That is not your job. Your job is to keep them healthy and safe, and part of that is keeping yourself sane
[00:20:08] Leah: Yeah. It's true, like across all of parenting, right? If you are not feeling sane if you are dysregulated, if you are miserable, you are not being the parent you wanna be, 'cause it's gonna come across another way, right? In either a shutdown burnout reaction or in maybe like a frustration reaction towards your baby or your child that makes you feel guilty later.
[00:20:28] Leah: So yeah. Yeah, you have to take, you do have to take care of yourself somehow through this.
[00:20:33] Elyse: Absolutely. And so I challenge people to do some of those things when their baby are awake. That is one of my big things, is that I'm like, you don't have to rely on your baby taking an independent nap for you to take a shower.
[00:20:44] Leah: Yeah
[00:20:44] Elyse: You should take the shower. Bring your baby into the bathroom.
[00:20:47] Elyse: Have them sit in that bouncer chair. They'll feel the steam. They'll see the reflection of lights. It's a different noise and different sensation. That is an appropriate developmental activity for them
[00:20:56] Leah: Otherwise you get obsessed with their naps, right? Because you're like, "You have to sleep because I have not showered," right? I can't go to the bathroom till you go to sleep." And so
[00:21:05] Elyse: And then that, totally, in that two to three-month period, which I always say is harder, right? I, the every three-hour rotating clock of a newborn is its own thing, but I find the two to three-month period of daytime sleep the most challenging. That's when baby can't really be put down anymore.
[00:21:19] Elyse: They no longer sleep in the living room while you're watching, a horror movie. They need to be held, they need to be rocked, they need to be all of this sort of contact nap support. But that's where I'm just like, it's okay to do the things when your baby is awake
[00:21:32] Leah: And then the pressure goes off, and then you're not feeling panicked about them not sleeping. And honestly, probably they sleep better because they're not picking up on your weird adrenalized "Go to sleep. Go to sleep
[00:21:42] Elyse: And just like even a correction, I don't even say "Do those things because it's okay that they're awake." Do those things, it's appropriate. It's good for them. It is actually a good thing to do those things when they're awake
[00:21:53] Leah: Yeah. I love it. All right. So how do people find you when they wanna come to your mom group? Because now everyone will be wishing they lived in Boston so they can go.
[00:22:04] Elyse: I, so at South Boston Community Health Center, we host a new moms group, new parents group on Wednesdays at 1:00 PM in our community room on the third floor. But if you make it to the building, you'll make it to group 'cause someone will show you where to go. And if you'd like to reach me, you can send me an email at elissetravers@gmail.com
[00:22:22] Leah: Amazing. I appreciate you so much. I know parents are gonna feel this sense of release. Release and relief. I said it at the same time and it became a new word. But just that, that feeling that things are okay, and if we can relieve mom guilt, I'm always for that. Yeah.
[00:22:41] Elyse: Amen.
[00:22:42] Leah: All right. Thank you so much, and thank you so much for listening to Educated Parent.
[00:22:47] Leah: I hope you have a, an amazing week, and I will talk to you next Tuesday.