How to Help Your Child (and Yourself) With Back-to-School Anxiety
How to Help Your Child (and Yourself) With Back to School Anxiety
Back-to-school season brings a lot of excitement, but it also brings a lot of nerves.
There are new teachers, new classrooms, new classmates, new expectations, and new routines. Even if your child is returning to the same school, they're still walking into a new grade and a year filled with unknowns.
And if you're feeling a little nervous yourself? That's normal, too.
I know I am.
When we care deeply about our kids, it's hard to send them into an environment we can't completely control. We want them to have kind teachers, make good friends, feel understood, and come home happy.
So when back-to-school anxiety shows up, our instinct is often to make it disappear as quickly as possible.
But that's not necessarily what our kids need.
Instead of eliminating their anxiety, we can help them understand it, tolerate it, and learn that they're capable of doing hard things even when they feel uncomfortable.
Here are some ways to do that.
Why Back-to-School Anxiety Is So Normal
Think about what we ask children to do every year.
Imagine if your employer told you that once a year, you would automatically get a new boss, new colleagues, new expectations, and maybe even a completely different work environment.
Oh, and you don't get to quit.
You'd probably feel a little anxious, too.
Change and unpredictability naturally create anxiety. We tend to feel more comfortable when we know what to expect and believe we have some control over what's happening.
The beginning of school offers neither.
Your child might wonder:
Will my teacher be nice?
Will I make friends?
Will the work be too hard?
Who will I sit with?
What if nobody likes me?
What if something goes wrong?
Those thoughts don't necessarily mean something is wrong with your child. A certain amount of back-to-school anxiety is a very normal response to a major transition.
Normal Worry vs. Signs Your Child May Need More Support
There's an important distinction here.
This advice is intended for children experiencing typical anxiety around starting a new school year.
Feeling nervous, having some "what if?" thoughts, or needing additional reassurance during a transition can all be expected.
But there are also signs and symptoms of childhood anxiety that may indicate something more significant is happening.
For example, anxiety may be interfering with your child's ability to attend school or separate from you. Their fear may be significantly disrupting daily life rather than simply making them uncomfortable.
There's another important possibility to consider: sometimes the environment itself really is unsafe or unhealthy.
If something genuinely frightening is happening at school, reducing your child's anxiety isn't the solution. The situation causing that anxiety needs to be addressed.
I sometimes explain it this way: if you're afraid of a lion and there isn't a lion, anxiety may be creating the threat. If you're afraid because there really is a lion standing in front of you, fear makes sense.
Understanding the signs and symptoms of childhood anxiety means looking not only at how anxious your child feels, but also at how much that anxiety interferes with their life and whether there's a legitimate problem contributing to it.
The Reassurance Trap
When our kids are anxious, most of us instinctively want to reassure them.
Your child says:
"What if my teacher is mean?"
And you immediately respond:
"Your teacher won't be mean!"
They say:
"What if I don't make any friends?"
And you say:
"Of course you'll make friends!"
We do this because we love them.
The problem is that we can't actually promise those things.
Maybe your child won't love their teacher.
Maybe they'll have a friendship problem.
Maybe something uncomfortable will happen.
When we repeatedly tell kids, "Don't worry, everything will be fine," we're not necessarily teaching them to manage anxiety. Sometimes we're simply teaching them to stop talking to us about it.
For children who are especially prone to anxiety, reassurance can also become something they depend on repeatedly to feel okay.
That's not the goal.
Don't Rescue Them From Every Uncomfortable Feeling
There's another understandable response parents have to anxiety: rescue.
"If you get nervous, text me and I'll pick you up."
It feels loving.
But if we continually help children escape situations because they're anxious, they may start learning:
"I can't handle this."
Avoiding something that makes us anxious can feel better immediately, but that relief can reinforce the idea that the situation really was too dangerous or difficult to tolerate.
One of the foundations of confident parenting is believing our children can experience discomfort without immediately needing us to eliminate it.
We're still there.
We're still supporting them.
We're just not teaching them that anxiety automatically means they need to escape.
Step 1: Validate the Anxiety
So what should you do instead?
Start by validating.
Understanding how to validate feelings is much simpler than social media sometimes makes it seem.
You don't need a perfect script.
You can say:
"Yeah, I can understand why you're nervous. You've never been in this class before, and new situations can make people anxious."
That's it.
You're not saying:
"You're right. First grade is terrifying."
You're saying:
"Your feeling makes sense to me."
That's an important distinction.
When kids hear that their feelings are understandable, you may actually see some of the tension leave their bodies.
Learning how to validate feelings helps your child recognize that anxiety isn't something scary that needs to disappear immediately.
It's an emotion.
They can feel it and still move forward.
Step 2: Bring in Some Logic
Once you've validated the feeling, you can help your child examine the worry.
Let's say your child says:
"What if I don't make any friends?"
Instead of responding:
"Of course you'll make friends!"
Try asking questions.
"Did you make friends last year?"
Yes.
"What about at summer camp?"
Yes.
"So based on that, do you think you'll probably be able to make some friends this year?"
Probably.
You're not giving them reassurance.
You're helping them find evidence.
The same strategy works for other worries.
If they're convinced their teacher will be mean, you might ask how many truly mean teachers they've had before.
You're teaching them to examine anxious thoughts rather than automatically believe them.
Step 3: Ask, "Could You Handle It?"
Here's where we can take the conversation one step further.
Maybe the thing your child fears actually does happen.
What then?
Suppose they don't love their teacher.
You might ask:
"Do you think you could handle having a teacher who wasn't your favorite?"
Your child may realize that yes, they probably could.
Would they like it?
No.
Could they handle it?
Yes.
That's confident parenting.
Instead of promising that your child will never encounter difficult situations, you're communicating:
"I believe you're capable of handling difficult situations."
And if something crosses the line into a genuinely harmful situation, you're also there to advocate for them.
That's very different from promising to rescue them from every uncomfortable experience.
Help Them Make a Plan
Anxiety isn't always useless.
Sometimes worry helps us prepare.
If your child is concerned about making friends, you can talk about what they could do if friendships are difficult.
Maybe they maintain friendships from last year.
Maybe they join another activity.
Maybe you help them brainstorm ways to approach someone new.
The message becomes:
"If something doesn't go the way we hope, we'll figure out what to do next."
That's one of my favorite confident parenting messages because it doesn't require pretending that everything will be perfect.
Instead, you're teaching your child that problems are solvable.
Expect Anxiety to Spike Again
Here's another important thing to remember: you can have a wonderful conversation with your child and they may still feel anxious on the first day.
That doesn't mean your conversation failed.
Anxiety naturally changes as we get closer to something we're worried about.
Your child may feel fine two weeks before school.
Then anxiety spikes during the final week of summer.
It settles.
Then the night before school, it spikes again.
Then it may spike again while they're putting on their shoes the next morning.
That's not necessarily one of the signs and symptoms of childhood anxiety that should immediately concern you. It's often how normal, adaptive anxiety works when we're approaching something uncertain.
Parents Get Back-to-School Anxiety, Too
Now let's talk about us.
Maybe your child isn't the only one feeling nervous.
You might be thinking:
"What if their teacher doesn't understand them?"
"What if they don't make friends?"
"What if they're unhappy and I don't know?"
I get it.
I'm a parent, too, and the first day of school makes me anxious.
The same tools you're using with your child can help you.
Validate your own feelings.
Remind yourself of the evidence.
Think through what you would do if something genuinely went wrong.
You don't need to eliminate your own back-to-school anxiety to help your child.
You need to show them that you can experience uncertainty and still move forward.
You Don't Need the Perfect Words
Parents are exposed to so much advice telling us that we need to say exactly the right thing.
Say this.
Never say that.
Use these exact words or you'll damage your child.
I don't believe parenting works that way.
Your script doesn't have to be perfect.
What matters is the larger message you're communicating:
"I understand why you're nervous."
"Let's think about how likely your worry actually is."
"You can handle difficult things."
"And if you genuinely need me, I'm here."
That's how to validate feelings while still helping children build confidence and resilience.
The goal isn't raising children who never feel anxious.
It's helping them learn that anxiety is a feeling they can handle.
And when the first day finally arrives, you may both still have butterflies in your stomach.
That's okay.
You can be anxious and still walk through the school doors.
Your child can, too.
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[00:00:00] Leah Clionsky: Next week is back to school, at least for my kids, and I have to tell you that everybody is a little bit anxious, including me. And since most kids, and let's face it, most of us parents, are a little bit anxious when we're returning to school, whether it's a new school or even an old school, but a new grade, a new teacher, or a new year, I thought it would be helpful to do an episode about what to say to your kids when they express some anxiety or worry thoughts about the beginning of the year.
[00:00:36] Leah Clionsky: Most of the time, what the exact scripting we use as parents, in my opinion, is not so important. I know Instagram will tell you, "If you say this instead of that, your child will be ruined." I don't adhere to that. I don't think we need to overly correct our speech. However, when we're dealing with some anxiety, there are definitely things we can say that are more useful than others.
[00:00:59] Leah Clionsky: So I'm gonna give you some things you can tell your kids and tell yourself during this anxiety-provoking moment, and I hope you think it's helpful. So let's briefly talk about why school is anxiety-provoking, why the return to school is anxiety-provoking for most people. And I, I don't even know if I have to explain this to you, but when we do something new, when we change things about our lives, especially when we don't control all of the aspects, it is normal for human beings to feel anxious.
[00:01:34] Leah Clionsky: Imagine if you had to change your job every single year, new boss, new colleagues, and you couldn't even quit, right? That's what going to school is like for kids. When you think about it, it's kind of wild that they cope with such a big transition every single year, all the way up through college, and if they do graduate school, it continues.
[00:01:56] Leah Clionsky: So it's a lot of change, and it's a lot of unpredictability, and it's a lot about, of not exactly knowing what will happen. And most of us don't even know who our teachers for our kids are gonna be until the week before school, so we can't even really prepare in advance for that change. However, being anxious doesn't mean that we don't do things.
[00:02:21] Leah Clionsky: A lot of life is taking calculated risks, being in a new situation despite feeling anxious about it. So knowing how we're going to talk to our kids about this kind of transition, about this kind of change, can be really helpful. And knowing that there are specific things that we can say to them to help them understand where their anxiety is coming from, and that they're going to be able to handle difficult situations without being alone, without overly reassuring them and for telling them that things will be fine and perfect, even though we can't make those kinds of promises, that's really the goal when we're helping kids manage school anxiety.
[00:03:05] Leah Clionsky: Now, I'm gonna give you a caveat. I feel like I always have a caveat. Today we're talking about what to do when kids are experiencing normative anxiety. So a little bit of the worries, a little bit of the what-ifs, a little bit of the unsures. This is different than an anxiety disorder, so a level where your anxiety is really interfering with your child's ability to go to school, your child's anxiety is making it hard for them to separate from you.
[00:03:31] Leah Clionsky: These are still helpful things to say, but if you're running into a real deep fear reaction from your child about going to school, this is where you probably want to be in more intensive anxiety treatment. Or if there's something going on with the school that is so bad that your child's anxiety actually makes sense, like if their school is actually a scary place to go, if there really are bad things happening there, then helping them process their anxiety is not going to actually fix the situation because the school itself is the problem, and their anxiety actually makes sense in that situation.
[00:04:09] Leah Clionsky: Right? If you're afraid of a lion and there's no lion, your anxiety doesn't make sense, even though it could be understandable. If you're afraid of a lion and there is a lion, then it makes sense for your child to feel the level of stress that they feel, and then you have to figure out how to put them in a safer situation.
[00:04:26] Leah Clionsky: But we're gonna put that to s- the side for a minute. We're gonna assume that your child is going to what is probably a good environment, and that they are just experiencing some of that typical worry at the beginning of the school year. All right, so what do we do? So when your child comes to you and they say, "Mommy," or "Daddy, you know, I'm kind of nervous about the beginning of the school year.
[00:04:49] Leah Clionsky: What if my teacher isn't nice? What if I don't make any friends? What, what do I do next?" There are two ways that we often handle this as parents that are not very helpful. One way is that we just overly reassure. So we say, "Oh, there's nothing to worry about. I'm sure your teacher will be nice. You will absolutely make friends.
[00:05:12] Leah Clionsky: Don't worry." Why is that a problem? Well, first of all, you cannot promise those things, unfortunately, right? You cannot promise that your child's teacher will be nice. You cannot promise that they will get along with their friends. You cannot promise that nothing uncomfortable or bad will happen at school.
[00:05:32] Leah Clionsky: So just telling somebody not to worry never makes them worry less, it just makes them stop telling you that they're worried. And also, it means then that they can't come to you and process their worries because you've already shut them down. It also means that you're honestly making false promises, and I like to be really realistic with kids.
[00:05:53] Leah Clionsky: It's not about scaring kids, but it's about being honest with them about the fact that things could go wrong. So overly reassuring can be problematic. Also, if you have a child who tends to run very anxious, that reassurance actually can become a little bit ritualized. So you could run into a situation where every single day you have to say to them, "I promise you that nothing will be bad about school," and you have to say it three times, and suddenly you're, like, developing into some kind of, um, more anxiety-related, true anxiety-disordered behavior where you are the reassurance calmer-downer, and you're playing a role in their anxiety.
[00:06:33] Leah Clionsky: So reassuring, "Things will be fine, don't worry about it," it is something that we want to do, but it's not usually what you want to do when you're helping with your child's anxiety about any situation. The other thing that we sometimes want to do for kids is to try to get them out of anything that's uncomfortable.
[00:06:53] Leah Clionsky: So notice that we have two ways that we try to protect our kids. One is, "Don't feel the feeling, it'll be fine, just don't worry." And the other is, "Well, if you're worried, I'll save you. Oh, don't worry, bring your phone to school. If you have any problems all day, you just text me and I'll pick you up."
[00:07:11] Leah Clionsky 2: Hmm.
[00:07:12] Leah Clionsky: This is a way of teaching your kids that they can't handle anxiety, that if they're uncomfortable, they won't be able to handle it, and it's a way of helping them use avoidance to get out of anxiety-provoking situations. And if we avoid something, anxiety gets worse. So if you're afraid of something, and then someone continues to rescue you from that situation, what you learn is that you can't handle that situation, and maybe you can't handle being anxious at all.
[00:07:42] Leah Clionsky: So sometimes we're just going, we're anxious, so we're going to save our child from their anxiety. So we don't wanna go in either of those directions. Instead, we want a nuanced, in the middle path. So what do you do when your child comes to you and they're like, "I'm really worried. I'm anxious about school"?
[00:08:00] Leah Clionsky: First thing you're gonna do is you're gonna validate their anxiety. Validation is just a couple sentences where you basically tell them that you can see why they feel the way that they're feeling. So I say a lot of things like, "Yeah, I can see why you're anxious about school starting. It's a new situation.
[00:08:18] Leah Clionsky: You ever- haven't ever been in this class before, and so it makes sense that when things are new, people often feel anxious." So you're just basically saying like, "Yeah, you're being a human right now, and I get it." Just hearing that your feelings make sense and are normal often reduces that feeling. "Yeah, of course, you're feeling anxious.
[00:08:38] Leah Clionsky: That's just how people feel in these kinds of situations. I completely understand. I felt like that as a kid. Maybe I even feel like that a little tiny bit now because something is new for me." So you're not making it worse by telling your child, like, "Hey, I get, I get how you feel." Notice that I'm not saying, "You're right.
[00:08:56] Leah Clionsky: It's gonna be really terrible. You're gonna have a super hard time adjusting, and I'm sure everything will be really scary." No. I'm just saying like, "Yeah, your feelings, they make sense to me. I totally get it." And I find that when I say this to clients or even to my own kids, I can actually see their bodies relax a little bit.
[00:09:14] Leah Clionsky: So that's the first step. You validate, and you're like, "Yep, makes sense." The second thing you're gonna do is if they continue to talk about their worries, instead of telling them that their worries won't happen, you're gonna pull in a little bit of logic. So let's say that your child is saying, "I'm just so worried that I won't make any friends.
[00:09:36] Leah Clionsky: I'm really worried that nobody will like me in first grade." That's where you can, if-- and you know, you're like, "My child always makes friends. They made friends in kindergarten, they made friends in summer camp. I'm not actually worried about this for them." Instead of saying, "You always make friends, don't worry," get them to think it through.
[00:09:57] Leah Clionsky: "Oh, you're worried you won't make any friends? Let's talk about whether we think that will probably happen. Um, how about last year in kindergarten? Did you have any friends?" "Oh yeah, I had Marissa and Bailey. They were my friends." "Oh, okay. And in camp, did you have friends?" "Oh yeah, I made friends in every single summer camp."
[00:10:17] Leah Clionsky: "Oh, so do you think-- what do you think are the chances that you're gonna make friends in first grade? Do you think you probably will, or do you think you probably won't?" "Oh, I think I probably will." You're like, "Oh, are you still as worried when you think about that?" "No, I'm not as worried about that." So you're pulling in some logic.
[00:10:36] Leah Clionsky: You're pulling in some evidence. "What if I have a really mean teacher?" "Oh. Well, have you ever had a really mean teacher before?" "No." "
[00:10:48] Leah Clionsky 2: Hmm.
[00:10:48] Leah Clionsky: Do you think most teachers tend to be really mean?" "No." "So do you think it's really likely that you're gonna have a very mean teacher?" "No." Right? So you're, you're kinda just letting them, letting them process it a little bit.
[00:11:02] Leah Clionsky: Now, let's be real. It is possible that your kid, even if they made a lot of friends last year, might not make as many friends this year, or every now and then there is really a teacher that kids do not get along with And so that again, that's why we don't promise them that things will definitely work out.
[00:11:19] Leah Clionsky: We're just kinda looking at what are the chances of these things not working out? And then we can a- actually go into a little bit of problem-solving. Do you think if you had a teacher who was strict, do you think you'd be able to handle it? Yeah, I think I could do it. Do you think you would like it? No.
[00:11:35] Leah Clionsky: But do you think you could probably handle it even if they were not your favorite? Yes. And if they were really, really mean, do you think I would just sit here and let them be mean to you or do you think I would go and advocate for you? Oh, I think you would help me if they were really mean.
[00:11:51] Leah Clionsky 2: And you're like, "Mm-hmm.
[00:11:52] Leah Clionsky: Yeah, if like something really awful was happening, I would absolutely get involved." So it's that like that middle ground, right? Like, yeah, you might have a teacher who is not your favorite teacher. You might have a teacher who is stricter, who doesn't make class fun. Like that could happen, right? And you could probably handle that.
[00:12:11] Leah Clionsky: And if it crossed a line into abusive teacher behavior, hopefully us as the parent, that's when we interfere, right? That's when we're like, "Okay, this isn't just like a personality clash. This is a I'm going to complain situation. I'm gonna go advocate. I'm gonna get my kid out of a really bad situation." So it's reminding them too that they're not alone, but without saying, "Oh no, if you don't love your teacher, we'll switch your class."
[00:12:35] Leah Clionsky: See, see the difference about like the different levels and the nuance of accommodating? Like, "Do you think you could handle it if your teacher wasn't your favorite? Do you think we would find some ways of dealing with that? If you didn't make as many friends in your class, what do you think we would do about that?
[00:12:50] Leah Clionsky: Would we enroll you in some other activities where you could make some friends?" "Oh, yeah." You know, "Do you still have your friends from your previous class that we will make sure you continue to see?" "Oh, yeah." Right? So you're just basically pulling in some of the problem-solving. You're pulling in some of this information so that your child's able to kind of process that these problems are solvable and that they are competent to solve them.
[00:13:19] Leah Clionsky: And you can also say things like, "You're the kind of kid who can often deal with things not going well. And, you know, if things don't go the way you want them to, we can work on some strategies for helping you manage that because I've seen you manage some other difficult situations before." And you can bring them back, "Do you remember when you had that fight with your friend?
[00:13:38] Leah Clionsky: How did you handle it?" So to kind of summarize, 'cause I know I'm-- this is actually a little more loosey-goosey than I normally am when I talk about these things, but they're all kind of intermingled. First thing you're doing is you're validating, "I can see why you feel this way. It makes sense. People are anxious during change.
[00:13:56] Leah Clionsky: It would be kinda weird if you walked into it with no concerns at all. Normal, you're just trying to imagine your year for next year Two, you're going to help your child use a little bit of logic based upon their past situations. You know, when you notice that they're worrying about things that you think are unlikely, you're gonna help them to understand that those things are probably unlikely.
[00:14:21] Leah Clionsky: And the third thing you're gonna do is you're going to offer your support, not your over-accommodation, and also talk through the different plans you'd put in place if things did not go well, because that's where anxiety is actually helpful. When we are worried that something will not work out, what you make is contingency plans.
[00:14:44] Leah Clionsky: "Well, if this happens, then this is what we'll do. If this happens, this is what we'll do." And then, like, helping your child get in with your reasoning, you know, "This is how we should handle these different situations if they actually did go wrong," then that also lets your child know, like, "Hey, there's a plan," or at least I know that I'm with a grown-up who will help me figure it out.
[00:15:04] Leah Clionsky: So then anxiety goes away a little bit there, too, naturally. So if you know my anxiety is normal, I can do hard things, and when I really look at the facts, the things I'm really afraid of probably won't happen, and if things don't go well, there are- is a way that we can solve some of these problems. I'm not gonna be stuck in a terrible situation by myself.
[00:15:28] Leah Clionsky: Then you see your child's concerns go down a little bit. Now, no matter how well you do this, the first day of school, is your child gonna be anxious? Uh-huh. Yes. Right? It's this approach avoidance. When something's far away, we're not worried. When it gets closer, you know, the last week of summer camp, suddenly it's looming, our anxiety spikes, right?
[00:15:50] Leah Clionsky: Then maybe it goes down a little bit because we can't sustain high anxiety for a long time. It goes down a little bit, and then it's the night before school, and your anxiety spikes, right? And then maybe you calm down, and then it's the morning of the first day of school, and your anxiety spikes, right? So as you get closer, the anxiety spikes come up, and that doesn't mean that something is wrong.
[00:16:09] Leah Clionsky: In fact, that is normally how anxiety that is adaptive and predictable shows up for all of us, if you think about it. And what might happen is with you as well, where you're like, "Oh, I'm fine. I'm not worried about my child being in first grade." And then the night before, you're like, "Oh, no. What if everything goes badly?
[00:16:27] Leah Clionsky: I don't control what goes on there. I love my child. I want them to be in a good place. I want them to make lots of friends. I want them to learn and be happy. I want their teacher to understand them. What if they don't understand them?" Like, talking yourself through these things as well could be helpful.
[00:16:40] Leah Clionsky: What is the likelihood of these things happening? What would I do in the worst-case scenario if they did happen? And also that bec- I'm worried because I'm a loving parent who cares, and I can handle being uncomfortable, too. So modeling that you can handle that, re-reassuring yourself with logic So I guess I'm gonna cut that out.
[00:17:02] Leah Clionsky: It's not reassuring yourself with logic. Reminding yourself of logic, talking yourself down in helpful ways. The same things you're doing with your kid, you're doing to yourself. And to be honest with you, I'll be doing them along with you because just like you, first day of school makes me a little anxious.
[00:17:20] Leah Clionsky: By the second week, I'll be fine, and so will your kids, and so will you. Again, if you notice that your child is really struggling with some very high anxiety around this, this is where getting therapy could be really, really helpful to them, at least while they're going through some of these tough transitions.
[00:17:39] Leah Clionsky: There are kids we see at Thriving Child Center where whatever the school year's about to start, all of a sudden, you know, maybe they've been doing much better, they all come in, right? Like, 'cause it's just a predictable time of year that kids are gonna struggle a little bit more. And we do work with a lot of anxious kiddos using evidence-based treatments over at Thriving Child Center.
[00:17:58] Leah Clionsky: So if you notice that this is really becoming a problem, definitely let us know and we can help. Or if you notice that your anxiety is really spiking and it's affecting the way that you're parenting, we can also help you as well. We also work with lots of parents on their own anxiety at Thriving Child Center too.
[00:18:16] Leah Clionsky: So I hope that you have a great, amazing start to the school year. I hope that you and your child feel strong and confident, and I hope that this episode is helpful for kind of rewiring how you're thinking about it and having some ways that you can manage it. Take really good care of yourself, and I'll talk to you next time.