How to Respond When Your Child Overreacts
How to Respond When Your Child Overreacts
Every parent has been there.
Your child is completely melting down because their sibling's cookie is slightly bigger.
They're devastated because the toothpaste tube is empty, even though there's another one under the sink.
Or they're crying because you were in the car five minutes longer than they wanted.
As parents, it's hard not to think:
"This isn't actually that big of a deal."
At the same time, you don't want to dismiss your child's feelings or make them feel like you don't care.
So how do you balance empathy with helping your child build emotional resilience?
The answer isn't found in either extreme.
The Two Parenting Extremes
When children become upset over something that seems relatively minor, parents often feel pulled in one of two directions.
The first is the old-school response:
"You're overreacting."
"You're being dramatic."
"Get over it."
While these responses may stop the crying temporarily, they often teach children that their emotions aren't safe to express.
The opposite extreme has become increasingly common online.
Parents are often told they should sit with every emotion, stay fully engaged until their child is completely calm, and never step away.
While that approach may be appropriate for very young children or truly significant events, it isn't necessary for every disappointment.
Strong parenting skills require something much more nuanced.
Not Every Emotion Is an Emergency
One of the biggest mindset shifts parents can make is recognizing that all feelings deserve acknowledgment, but not every feeling requires the same level of intervention.
Think about physical injuries.
If your child scrapes their knee, you comfort them.
You clean the scrape.
You put on a Band-Aid.
Then life continues.
You don't call an ambulance for a minor scrape.
Emotional experiences work similarly.
Some situations require intensive support.
Others simply require connection and reassurance.
Helping children understand that difference builds emotional resilience over time.
Validation Isn't Agreement
One of the biggest misconceptions about emotional validation is that validating your child's feelings means agreeing with their reaction.
It doesn't.
Learning how to validate feelings simply means acknowledging your child's emotional experience.
You might say:
"I can see you're really upset."
"I know this feels really disappointing."
"I can tell this matters to you."
Notice what those statements don't say.
They don't say:
"You're right."
"This really is a disaster."
"This should ruin your whole day."
Instead, they communicate:
"I see you."
That distinction is incredibly important.
Why Kids Express Big Feelings
Every child has different ways of expressing emotions.
Some cry.
Some yell.
Some withdraw.
Some become angry.
Some become unusually quiet.
The goal isn't eliminating emotions.
The goal is helping children learn healthier ways to move through them.
When we understand that children experience emotions differently, we become less focused on stopping the behavior and more focused on teaching regulation.
Resist the Urge to Reason
When parents see an overreaction, the natural instinct is to explain why their child shouldn't feel that way.
"We have another toothpaste."
"Your cookie is basically the same size."
"It's only five more minutes."
The problem?
Logic rarely works when emotions are running high.
When children are emotionally overwhelmed, they're not processing information the same way they do when they're calm.
Trying to convince them they're overreacting usually makes the reaction bigger.
Instead, offer a validating statement first.
Then stop talking.
Offer Comfort Without Taking Over
One of the most helpful parenting skills is learning to offer support without making yourself responsible for fixing every emotion.
After validating, you might say:
"I'm here if you'd like a hug."
"We can take a little walk together if that would help."
"I'm here when you're ready."
Notice that you're offering connection.
You're not solving the problem.
You're not trying to eliminate the feeling.
You're simply making yourself available.
This approach encourages emotional resilience because children gradually learn they can experience difficult emotions and recover from them.
Then Give Them Space
This is where many parents become uncomfortable.
After validating and offering comfort, it's okay to move on.
You might begin making dinner.
Fold laundry.
Clean the kitchen.
Continue your day while remaining emotionally available.
This communicates something powerful:
"This feeling is real, but it isn't an emergency."
That message helps children develop confidence in their own ability to regulate.
Helping Kids Build Emotional Resilience
The ultimate goal isn't raising children who never become upset.
It's raising children who know they can handle being upset.
That is the foundation of emotional resilience.
Children gradually learn:
Feelings come and go.
I don't have to stay overwhelmed forever.
My parents care about me without panicking.
I can recover.
These lessons are far more valuable than simply making the tears stop.
Progress, Not Perfection
Some days you'll respond with incredible patience.
Other days you'll be tired.
You'll lose your cool.
You'll wish you had handled things differently.
That's okay.
Children don't need perfect parents.
They need parents who consistently practice healthy parenting skills, model calm responses, understand different ways of expressing emotions, and know how to validate feelings without turning every disappointment into a crisis.
Final Thoughts
When your child overreacts, remember this:
You don't have to choose between dismissing their emotions and treating every upset like an emergency.
There is a middle ground.
By learning how to validate feelings, recognizing different ways of expressing emotions, strengthening your parenting skills, and helping your child build emotional resilience, you're teaching them one of the most important life skills they'll ever develop.
Not how to avoid difficult emotions.
But how to move through them with confidence.
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
Ep. 66: How to Co-Regulate With Your Toddler (So It Actually Works) with Emma Girard
LET'S CONNECT:
Love having expert tips you can actually use? Join our newsletter and get a beautifully designed PDF of each episode’s top 3 takeaways—delivered straight to your inbox every week.
Are you a provider? Subscribe here for professional insights and parenting resources!
-
[00:00:00] Leah Clionsky: We've all been in the situation where we know that our child is completely overreacting to something that just happened to them. We're watching it and we're thinking, "Oh my gosh, like this is not that upsetting. I don't even believe that you could be that upset by this situation, but here you are crying hysterically like it's the end of the world.
[00:00:25] Leah Clionsky: I don't want to ignore you or act like I don't care, and at the same time, I don't wanna communicate to you that this actually is the end of the world." How do we balance those two things? How are we there for our kids without making them think that every inconvenience is a disaster? That's what this episode of Educated Parent is all about.
[00:00:57] Leah Clionsky: There are lots of times where we can see that our kids are reacting really strongly to something that we think that they should be able to regulate through on their own. Maybe they're 10, but they're hysterically crying because their brother used some of the bathroom soap, and they feel like that soap is their soap.
[00:01:18] Leah Clionsky: Maybe you've just watched them Sorry, I'm gonna start over 'cause I'm trying to think of some good examples
[00:01:30] Leah Clionsky: We've all been in a situation where we know deep down as parents that our child is completely overreacting. Maybe they're having a meltdown because they've been in the car for five minutes longer than they want to be. Maybe they are 10 years old, but absolutely furious that their brother's cookie is perceptively slightly bigger than their cookie, and they just can't handle it.
[00:01:56] Leah Clionsky: Maybe they're devastated that you said no to a small toy that they wanted, and you know that at nine they should be able to handle that. So you're watching them, and your empathy is just leaving you, because you're sitting there thinking, "My child's being overreactive. My child's being dramatic. I don't want to communicate that this is the end of the world, but I also am not interested in being a jerk.
[00:02:20] Leah Clionsky: What do I do about this?" So I'm gonna put in some caveats before I jump in here, of course. So we can all acknowledge that there are situations where something is a really big deal to a child, and we just don't know it yet, right? Sometimes that can happen where once we get to the depth of the issue, we're like, "Oh yeah, no wonder you were really upset."
[00:02:42] Leah Clionsky: So, or there's some sort of sensory issue we don't know about, or there's neurodivergence at play, right? There are times where it makes sense that a child is reacting really strongly. But there are also many circumstances where we just know our, my kid is overreacting here. Like, I just know that this really is not that big a deal to them, and I don't want to give them the idea that this is an earth-shattering event because I want them to be able to, be able to put their lives in perspective.
[00:03:13] Leah Clionsky: And I think that that's a really hard place to parent from because the two ideologies that are present right now in social media are both not nuanced enough. So there's the old school parenting approach to this, which is to say, "You're overreacting. You're being dramatic. Get over it." So, you know, no acknowledgment that this could be upsetting.
[00:03:37] Leah Clionsky: You know, just move on with your life. M- that's where parents might even say something like, "Well, if you're crying, I'll give you something to cry about." Like, "This is not a big deal," or, "You're too sensitive." So those things that are like, "The problem is you. This doesn't matter. Move on." But that doesn't really work very well in helping kids understand their emotional experiences.
[00:04:02] Leah Clionsky: It doesn't usually help fix the problem. It just teaches your child to hide their feelings. So, and most of us are like, "I'm not really comfortable with that." I might wanna say that 'cause I'm now irritated with you because this is the fourth time this has happened today. But we're like, "I don't actually want to communicate that."
[00:04:21] Leah Clionsky: Then there's the social media approved strategy where we're told that we must sit there and be present with our child through every single emotion until they are calm, and if we leave or in any way suggest that they are overreacting, we are now an invalidating, terrible parent. And that just doesn't make sense for a couple of reasons.
[00:04:44] Leah Clionsky: I mean, I just released an episode recently about co-regulation for toddlers, and when you have a really young child where everything feels like a big deal and they're under three, you actually may have to sit there and co-regulate with them, not necessarily on top of them, but being there for them, offering them s- more support, staying more present because they really don't have any skills.
[00:05:09] Leah Clionsky: But when you're dealing with a slightly older child, a five-year-old, an eight-year-old, they don't most of the time really need that unless they are truly, deeply upset by something that's going on. And sometimes if we communicate that we should be giving that level of intensity, we send a message that their level of reaction actually is appropriate for the situation.
[00:05:35] Leah Clionsky: S- it's like if your child scrapes their knee We are there, we provide support, we help clean the wound, we kiss it, we do Neosporin, we do Band-Aids. We're like, "This is the right amount of intensity for your scraped knee. Now you can go play." We don't say, "What a disaster," and take them to the emergency room by ambulance, right?
[00:05:59] Leah Clionsky: So we have different reactions to different levels of pain and different severities of injuries in our regular parenting. So how can we use that, like that discernment that we use for physical injuries and apply it to emotional injuries? Well, what we can do is use a little bit of co-regulation without the same level of intensity.
[00:06:25] Leah Clionsky: This is helpful because number one, it doesn't communicate to your child that everything is an emergency, which is I know what you're afraid of teaching them, right? That, that everything that happens to them is the worst thing that's ever happened to them. We don't want them to think that. Two, it also preserves your bandwidth.
[00:06:42] Leah Clionsky: If you have a child who tends to react really, really strongly all the time, you know, you may be able to sit there and be there for them through the first two big reactions of the day, but you get into three, four, five, eight, right? Like you're done, right? Suddenly you're on the other side being like, "How are you still upset?
[00:07:03] Leah Clionsky: Just get over this." We also don't want the big upset feelings to be the primary way that our kids are getting engagement from us. So I'm not saying, so I just wanna be clear about this. I'm not saying that when kids are upset, that they're always doing it to get this strong reaction from us, and kids do like to get strong reactions from us.
[00:07:29] Leah Clionsky: It's survival mechanisms for children. So we want them to have multiple ways to get our strong attention, our strong positive attention, and we don't always want it to be because they are very, very upset, and that's the time where we're gonna drop everything and sit with them. I hope that nuance makes sense, where you don't hear me saying, "Children are only going after our attention, and it's crocodile tears all the time."
[00:07:52] Leah Clionsky: But also sometimes it is crocodile tears. So there's this, this mix going on, and I think we can realize in the real world there's nuance. So what are we gonna do when we're sitting there and we're like, "Are you really, are you really freaking out because we ran out of toothpaste even though there's fresh toothpaste?
[00:08:11] Leah Clionsky: Do you only want the toothpaste from this tube?" This is what you're gonna do. This is your in-the-middle decision First thing, you are going to come and make a validating statement. So what is validation? Validation is not saying to your child, "I completely believe that this is a big deal." Validation is
[00:08:28] Leah Clionsky: saying to your child,
[00:08:38] Leah Clionsky: "I can see that to you this is upsetting, and it makes sense to me that given the way you are looking at this situation, there must be a reason why it's upsetting." Do you hear the distinction there? You're not judging why your child's upset, whether you think it's legitimate or not. You're really just acknowledging that to them, running out of toothpaste was a big deal for whatever reason.
[00:09:05] Leah Clionsky: And so a validating statement can sound something like, "Hey, I can see that you are really upset that we ran out of the toothpaste here, and it makes sense to me that this is upsetting to you." Right? So you're just like, "I can see that you're upset." Or if it really doesn't make sense to you, you can say something like, "I can see that you're really, really upset about this, and I care about your feelings."
[00:09:32] Leah Clionsky: So that's really what you're saying. You're not saying this is the end of the world, but you're also not saying like, "This isn't a big deal." So it's, it's this in the middle place. "I can see that you are upset about something, and I care about how you feel, and I can see that it makes sense to you." That's what you're saying with validation.
[00:09:51] Leah Clionsky: It doesn't have to be a TED Talk. It doesn't e- need to be sentences and sentences long. It's just, "I can see that you are upset about something that is hurtful to you. I can see that you are really sad that your brother's cookie is bigger than your cookie, and it's important to you because cookie size to you is very, very important."
[00:10:11] Leah Clionsky: Right? You're just... You're putting it there. You don't wanna be sarcastic, like, "Well, I can see that to you this is a really big deal." Right? Like, you don't wanna undermine that. What you're really saying is like, "I, I am perceiving your emotions about this, and I'm not dismissing them. I care that you have feelings."
[00:10:31] Leah Clionsky: And then you can say, you know, "I am here for you. So if you..." You can offer some basic comfort. "If you'd like a hug, if you'd like to go on a walk and calm down, I'm here." So your feelings make sense to you, I can understand, validating statement. I'm here to offer you comfort. I'm here to give you a hug. I'm here to take you on a little walk, if those things would be helpful to you.
[00:10:57] Leah Clionsky: And that is it. So, at that point, you might want to start reasoning with your child. "Why are you so upset about this? Don't you understand that we have lots and lots of toothpaste? We could just open another thing of toothsp- toothpaste. It doesn't matter that we ran out of this toothpaste." But the, with, the weird thing about this kind of meltdown situation is that the more you reason, the worse the emotional reaction will get, and that's because you are talking logic to someone who is being driven by emotion.
[00:11:33] Leah Clionsky: And on some level, your probab- your child probably already understands that rationally, and when they're calmer about it, you can have that discussion maybe. So when they're not crying, you can say, "Hey, you realize we do have more toothpaste, right?" And they might be like, "Yeah, I know we have more toothpaste."
[00:11:50] Leah Clionsky: But in that moment, you don't talk rationality to someone who's in an emotional head space. It just never works. You've definitely tried this, right? You've tried this with a friend or your child or your partner, and you've tried to say rational things when they are not in a head space for that, and all you ever do is escalate But you also don't have to stay there and be super, super present.
[00:12:13] Leah Clionsky: So you're allowed then to kind of move on. "Okay, well, I'm gonna start picking up the living room. I'm here if you need me. I'm gonna start making dinner. I'm here if you need me." So you get to then leave that situation, not in a like, "Well, if you're gonna cry about it, you have to be alone," sort of a way, but in a, "Okay, and now I'm moving on."
[00:12:33] Leah Clionsky: And so that is basically saying, this is not an emergency, right? This is not... Just like if your child had just been, um, rejected by their best friend, you would stay there and emotionally triage that for a very long time, because that is a very big deal. But over a small thing, you're like, "I'm here. I get that you're upset.
[00:12:55] Leah Clionsky: I'm here for you if you need me. I'm willing to offer some comfort to you because clearly you're upset." And then you just get to move on with things. And this is where, like, c- some of the parenting advice influencers would get really mad at me and be like, "No, if you walk away, you're creating deep emotional abandonment wounds."
[00:13:16] Leah Clionsky: There's just no evidence to support that. Often, if you move on and you're kind of cool and casual at that point, your child's then like, "Okay. All right. Mom or Dad, they aren't losing it over this. Nobody is losing it over this. I can move on too. I can move on myself." So just to repeat, you're gonna make one validating statement that is not sarcastic, that really i- displays empathy for them.
[00:13:45] Leah Clionsky: You're going to offer comfort and emotional support, and then you're gonna give yourself permission to move on. To move on and to start doing something else, so then your child has a sense in a moment where they can regulate their own emotions. Because one thing we're trying to teach kids is how to regulate their own emotions, which is not by abandoning them like a sink or swim situation, where you throw them into the water and you're like, "Hope you learn how to swim."
[00:14:13] Leah Clionsky: But we're also not holding them up the whole time without giving them a chance to start to try their skills. This is a position of of giving them some support and some scaffolding as they learn the skill of regulation. And if you continuously respond like this, then your child gets more and more and more availability.
[00:14:36] Leah Clionsky: And sometimes kids will come up to you afterwards and they'll say, "I realize now that I didn't need to be as upset about that. I realize now that it was not the end of the world." And that can be really helpful because then you can say, "Yeah, like I get that you were really upset. That makes sense to me.
[00:14:55] Leah Clionsky: And then it sounds like later you realized that this wasn't as serious as you thought that it was." And then everybody gets to move on in that moment. So I'm curious about your thoughts on this. Um, I feel like what psychologists are constantly saying that is very different than what influencers are saying is that there is true nuance to situations, and that while on social media having a strong black or white, right or wrong, you must do it this way in all circumstances opinion is going to get you a lot of attention, that's not really what it's like to be a parent.
[00:15:33] Leah Clionsky: And we also need to be in a place where we feel like we can generally regulate ourselves during the day as well. So I'm curious about your thoughts. You can DM me directly at Educated Parent Podcast, and I will talk to you more next week.