How to Co-Regulate With Your Toddler (So It Actually Works) with Emma Girard
How to Co-Regulate With Your Toddler (So It Actually Works)
If you've ever found yourself standing in the kitchen while your toddler completely falls apart because you handed them the blue cup instead of the red one, you're not alone.
Toddler emotions can feel enormous.
One minute they're happily playing. The next, they're lying on the floor sobbing over something that seems incredibly small.
In those moments, many parents wonder:
Should I ignore it? Should I give them what they want? Am I supposed to co-regulate?
The good news is that there is another option.
Understanding co-regulation can completely change the way you respond to toddler tantrums, and it often takes far less fixing than parents think.
Toddler Tantrums Aren't the Same as Older Kid Tantrums
One of the biggest takeaways from my conversation with Dr. Emma Girard is that toddlers are different.
A two-year-old melting down because they can't have another cookie isn't trying to manipulate you.
They're overwhelmed.
Their brain simply doesn't have the developmental skills to understand why the cookie isn't available or regulate the disappointment that follows.
That's why toddler tantrums look so dramatic.
To them, the feeling is real.
As parents, recognizing this changes everything.
Your Toddler Isn't Giving You a Hard Time
They're having a hard time.
That shift in perspective is one of the most important positive parenting techniques you can practice.
Instead of thinking:
"They're doing this on purpose."
Try asking yourself:
"What does my child need right now?"
Often, the answer isn't another cookie.
It isn't punishment either.
It's co-regulation.
What Is Co-Regulation?
Many parents hear the word but aren't exactly sure what it means.
Simply put, co-regulation is when a calm adult helps a child move through a big emotion.
Your job isn't to erase the feeling.
Your job is to stay emotionally steady while your child experiences it.
Think about when your child falls and scrapes their knee.
Most parents instinctively kneel down, offer comfort, speak softly, and help their child calm down.
That's co-regulation.
The exact same principle applies during emotional pain.
Your Job Is Not to Fix the Feeling
This is one of the biggest mindset shifts for parents.
Many of us automatically try to:
Solve the problem
Stop the crying
Make the feeling disappear
But toddlers need something different.
They need someone who can stay with them while they experience the emotion.
That's why many positive parenting techniques focus on connection before correction.
When children feel emotionally safe, they can begin calming down.
It Starts With You
One of my favorite parts of this conversation was Dr. Girard's reminder that parents have to regulate themselves first.
If you're overwhelmed, frustrated, or on the verge of yelling, it's almost impossible to help your toddler regulate.
That doesn't mean you're failing.
It means you're human.
One of the best forms of parenting help is simply recognizing your own emotional state before responding.
Ask yourself:
What am I thinking right now?
What do I need?
Can I calm myself first?
Sometimes taking one deep breath changes the entire interaction.
The CARES Framework
Dr. Girard teaches a simple framework called CARES.
For parents, that means:
Check your thoughts.
Notice what you're telling yourself.
Assist yourself.
Take a breath, ask for support, or step away if needed.
Reassure yourself.
Remind yourself:
"They're only two."
"This moment will pass."
Emotionally validate yourself.
Parenting is hard.
It's okay that this feels overwhelming.
Soothe yourself.
Speak to yourself with the same kindness you hope to show your child.
This type of parenting help makes it much easier to offer calm support during toddler tantrums.
Then Support Your Toddler
Once you're regulated, it's time to help your child.
That often looks like:
Getting physically close.
Speaking softly.
Naming the emotion.
Offering reassurance.
Helping only when help is actually needed.
Notice that none of those steps involve giving in.
Nor do they involve punishment.
That's one of the biggest misunderstandings about co-regulation.
Supporting emotions does not mean changing boundaries.
You can still say no to another cookie while helping your child feel safe through the disappointment.
Validation Isn't Agreement
Many parents worry that validating emotions means agreeing with the behavior.
It doesn't.
You can say:
"I know you're sad."
"I know you're frustrated."
"I know you really wanted another cookie."
Without changing your answer.
These positive parenting techniques help children feel understood while still maintaining healthy limits.
Progress Over Perfection
No parent stays calm every single time.
And that's okay.
Children don't need perfect parents.
They need parents who repair.
If you lose your patience, reconnect afterward.
Apologize if needed.
Come back together.
That's part of healthy emotional development too.
Final Thoughts
When your toddler melts down, remember this:
They aren't trying to manipulate you.
They're asking for help in the only way they know how.
Understanding co-regulation, practicing positive parenting techniques, and seeking practical parenting help can make toddler tantrums feel far less overwhelming for both you and your child.
You don't have to fix every feeling.
You simply have to help your child move through it.
And sometimes, the first step in helping your toddler regulate is remembering to take care of yourself first.
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CONNECT WITH EMMA GIRARD:
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[00:00:00] Leah Clionsky: It's happening a- again. Your one to three-year-old is having a complete meltdown. Maybe it's all your fault because you gave them the red cup instead of the blue cup, and you know that you are maybe supposed to do this thing called co-regulating, and you don't know what that is. So that's what today's episode of Educated Parent is all about.
[00:00:21] Leah Clionsky: So I am so excited to bring in Dr. Emma Girard to help us with this topic, and I'm gonna let her introduce herself.
[00:00:30] Emma Girard: Thank you so much, Leah. Yes, I'm Dr. Emma Trevard. I'm a professor at the University of California Riverside, working with the School of Medicine. I'm also co-developer and co-author of Parent-Child Interaction Therapy with Toddlers
[00:00:46] Leah Clionsky: I love this. You've taken the main modality of PCIT, which is originally set up for kids three through eight, and now you've really focused in on the little ones, one through three, right?
[00:00:58] Emma Girard: That's exactly right. As we think about child development, the idea of prevention and early intervention is so important. If we could support families when their toddlers are just developing, when they're just learning how to cooperate during those early years when they do have meltdowns and everything's about mine, it made more sense to adapt a beautiful treatment intervention to the earlier age group
[00:01:24] Leah Clionsky: Absolutely. I think that, well, the older version of PCIT focuses more on having consequences that might not be appropriate for a one-year-old, for example. There's a lot of brain development that changes between a little kid and a slightly older child
[00:01:41] Emma Girard: You're right. Toddlers are not yet developmentally mature enough to have on-purpose planned negative attention-seeking behaviors. Toddlers just melt down
[00:01:53] Leah Clionsky: It can feel like it though, can't it? Like, it can feel against you even though it's not. When you cut the crust off the sandwich the way they said, and then they're still yelling at you, it can feel personal even though it's not
[00:02:06] Emma Girard: Right. It can feel personal, and I think one of the biggest misinterpretations is that as a child this young, a toddler one to three years old is melting down, they're crying, and they might even give you direct eye contact. And that's often when the misinterpretation happens. That direct eye contact is a plea for help, like, "I'm melting down.
[00:02:26] Emma Girard: I need support." But older kids do have on-purpose tantrums, and so then there's this misinterpretation of, "See, they're looking at me. They're doing this on purpose," when a toddler at that stage is really looking at you as a sign of help
[00:02:43] Leah Clionsky: So what do you think, what is the difference between the kind of meltdown you're describing in a young toddler, like over maybe not getting the cookie that they want, and a melt-- and a tantrum in like a five-year-old who's trying to get you to give them the cookie that they want? Like, what do you think is the difference?
[00:03:02] Emma Girard: I think that's a great way to frame it. So that two-year-old who's not given the cookie they want, they don't understand nutrition, routine, or that it comes after dessert, is after your main meal. So that two-year-old is truly melting down because the world does not make sense to them in this moment. "Why can't I have what I want?
[00:03:23] Emma Girard: I can see it in front of me." And so that meltdown, and you can see this dysregulation as they arch their back, as they begin to cry, as they fall to the floor, and they've lost rational thinking. And so that's what it looks like more in that two-year-old age group. But then that five, six-year-old, "I want the cookie," will cry, but there's no arched back.
[00:03:48] Emma Girard: It's a purposeful, as they used to call, crocodile tear. "I'm just gonna scream and yell to annoy you, to hopefully get you to either cave and give in because I've become overly annoying in my screaming, or until I push you so much that maybe you threaten me, 'If you don't knock it off, I'm gonna smack you,' or, 'I'm gonna take away your favorite toy tonight.'
[00:04:10] Emma Girard: Ah, okay, I've reached your threshold. I won't do it anymore." So there's a very different purposeful piece to an older child having a tantrum, which is, "Can I get you to give in?" Versus a toddler who's just like, "I don't understand. My world's falling apart."
[00:04:28] Leah Clionsky: So what I'm hearing you describe is that in an older child throwing a tantrum, it is about the parent-child dynamic. Like, they're looking for it to change your behavior in some way. They're looking for you to set a limit, or they're looking for you to get upset, or they're looking for you to change your mind.
[00:04:45] Leah Clionsky: And with a younger child, like the two-year-old in this example, they're just deeply devastated. Like, it's not even really about you or thinking they can change you, it's just that, like, what is a cookie-less world? And why should I live in it? It's just a different way of processing that situation.
[00:05:04] Emma Girard: Absolutely. It's a different way of processing the environment and what does it mean? Again, toddlers are very much center of the universe, so everything is about them. And if the cookie now is not available, w- what have I done to make it go away? Versus for an older child, can I negotiate? Can I push a button in a way that'll allow me to get what I want?
[00:05:25] Emma Girard: It's much more sophisticated in an older child versus in the younger, truly lack of understanding
[00:05:32] Leah Clionsky: Right? There's like, there's true distress is what I hear you describing. Like, I am like deeply-- like I'm devastated I can't have this cookie, and I don't know, I don't understand it, versus I would really like this cookie and I'm gonna see what I can do within our dynamic to change the limits that have been set around the cookie
[00:05:49] Emma Girard: Exactly. That devastation is that raising of voice. Yes, crying is present. But again, when you see that arch of the back and the child then falls to the floor and starts to flail, it is a loss of control. It is true dysregulation where they are no longer connecting the dots between why am I so upset and I need help to co-regulate.
[00:06:12] Emma Girard: They're not able to self-regulate even until 18 months of age. So if you're barely 24 months of age, you don't have a lot of skill set yet in how to self-regulate. You need co-regulation
[00:06:24] Leah Clionsky: You know, as like, a parent listening to this, and I imagine this is what parents are thinking in the audience too as we're discussing this, when you h- then have that young child, right, who's just devastated, you wanna do one of two things. Like, either you get, are getting really upset because they're so dysregulated, and this is maybe the 10th falling down on the floor today over, over not getting exactly what they feel the world should give them.
[00:06:50] Leah Clionsky: So there's that, like that frustration and lack of tolerance within us. Or there's the temptation like, well, if it's really devastating for you not to have a cookie, I should just always give you the thing, right? And fix your devastation. What are your thoughts about those two different ways of reacting from parents?
[00:07:07] Emma Girard: Yeah, I think there's-- both of those reactions are what do I do to fix my child's emotion? And I think that's where things can go astray. The goal of the parent is not really to fix the emotion at all. It's to be there with them through this big feeling, right? And so this meltdown is not truly a tantrum like older child.
[00:07:30] Emma Girard: It's not a on purpose to get what they want. It is a lack of understanding, and so they need you to be with them through what we call a big emotion
[00:07:40] Leah Clionsky: I love this framing. So this is what I'm hearing here, is that it's not a parent's job to solve this and make the child not upset, but it's also understandable that they are upset. So getting angry with them to try to make them stop is not your job there. Also, giving them what they want at every moment to please them is also not your job here.
[00:08:01] Leah Clionsky: Your job is to help them sit with this confusing, devastating feeling, I imagine, so that there can be that realization over time that the world also hasn't ended because of the lack of a cookie
[00:08:14] Emma Girard: That's exactly it. It's I can be in a space where my caregiver or my-- the adult in my life can handle all of my feelings, right? The adult doesn't have to change my feeling. They can sit with me through it so I can get to that other side
[00:08:31] Leah Clionsky: That takes the pressure off in a lot of ways if your job isn't to solve it. And also though, keeps some pressure on because then you're like, "How do I sit? How do I sit with this child in this moment where maybe what I wanna do is just end the discomfort of their tears?" Which is honestly very hard to hear because we immediately react in something to a child's reaction.
[00:08:55] Leah Clionsky: If we're good attuned parents, right? We care that our child is sobbing.
[00:08:59] Emma Girard: Absolutely. And so as we are in this moment, there's two factors, right? There's the child that's melting down, and there's the adult that's present in the room. And so both individuals need support
[00:09:12] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. It's interesting, as a clinician who helps parents through these sorts of moments, if I'm watching and I'm the clinician, I can very easily help that parent regulate because I'm not connected to that child in that same emotional way. The minute it becomes my own child, it is so much harder to stay with that feeling, and it's really interesting how that can shift so quickly
[00:09:38] Emma Girard: It shifts truly at the drop of a hat. And when we think about our own emotion regulation, we talk about having what we call care steps, meaning these are things parents can do to help themselves stay regulated. So their toddler's melting down, and that first C means how do you check your cognitions?
[00:09:56] Emma Girard: Like, are you thinking to yourself, "Oh my gosh, this is the 10th time they've melted down, I'm over it"? Are you thinking, "Yeah, the world doesn't make sense to them. They need my help"?
[00:10:07] Leah Clionsky: Mm-hmm. Yeah, your perception really changes the way that you might react in that moment. Before we jump into strategies, which I know is what we're about to do, can you just very briefly explain what regulation is? Because we throw the term around a lot, and I don't know that people really understand regulation
[00:10:27] Emma Girard: I think that's a good starting point because emotion regulation is such a broad term that really capitulates three different areas. It's one, what do you think and how do you feel about an incident that's just taken place, right? So you have to interpret an event. Then with that interpretation, you then have to think, "How am I gonna show the world the way I feel about it?"
[00:10:50] Emma Girard: Because not everyone wears their heart on their sleeves. You can be really upset and have a very stoic external expression, but truly be devastated on the inside. So emotion regulation is understanding an environmental situation, what does it mean to you, and then how do you interpret and show others the way you're feeling.
[00:11:11] Emma Girard: So it's three really complicated, interwoven pieces that make up the term emotion regulation.
[00:11:20] Leah Clionsky: So, like a child who's more sophisticated at this, a little bit older, who's really understood this to some degree, is saying something like, "I'm really sad I can't have the cookie."
[00:11:31] Emma Girard: I, I think it's even more than that. It's them saying, "I'm really sad I ha- can't have a cookie, and I understand that's because there's a limited amount that we should then share with others," or because health-wise, there's only so much sugar that's healthy for you to eat at one time. And how am I gonna react to that?
[00:11:48] Emma Girard: I'm gonna be able to say, "That's okay" to my adult. "I understand that I can't have any more." Like the... it's so much more sophisticated, and we do it without breaking it down to each component all the time.
[00:12:01] Leah Clionsky: Right. So it's the child who gets it and then also is able to say, "Okay," even though they're still feeling. Maybe they'll say, "I'm disappointed, but okay. Yeah, I can't have this cookie now." And so then there's that, like that deeper process. I think sometimes-- Well, I mean, it clearly is a very complicated process, and adults, we struggle with our emotion regulation a lot because we don't know always how we're feeling about things or how to express it out in the world, and then how to accept how the situation is really supposed to go.
[00:12:33] Leah Clionsky: So that can be so complicated. I think that there are the school of thought that kids can't self-regulate, and I think sometimes that does them a disservice. And then I think there's a school of thought where with older kids, where it's that they are supposed to regulate in situations where it doesn't make developmental sense.
[00:12:50] Leah Clionsky: So it's hard to find that middle boundary about regulation.
[00:12:54] Emma Girard: E- exactly. It's hard to find a middle boundary around a regulation because when we are born, all regulation is met by external forces. So as a newborn, you, there is no self-regulation. Someone has to feed you, someone has to burp you, someone has to change your diaper. You cannot meet any of your own personal needs.
[00:13:13] Emma Girard: And as you mature, you start to develop self-regulation skills, and this usually doesn't turn on till around 18 months of age. That's when you start to be able to soothe yourself. You can maybe accept a different choice if your first prese- pr- first preference isn't available. But self-regulation isn't until 18 months.
[00:13:34] Emma Girard: So what happens between birth to 18 months is a lot of co-regulation, and the adults, the siblings, the neighborhood, the aunts and uncles, the grandparents, they serve as role models for these little babies that are soaking up their environment. They're watching, how do you respond? How do you react to stress?
[00:13:55] Emma Girard: How do you react when someone tells you no? And they're learning through all that role modeling that's being provided
[00:14:02] Leah Clionsky: As we're talking about this, like the most like, I feel like natural example for parents to co-regulate is if their child gets hurt, and then they're right there hugging that child, right? So they like see the incident, it feels very valid to them because it's external, and then many parents are there hugging and soothing, and they're regulating that child back.
[00:14:23] Leah Clionsky: And maybe that's easier than when your child is screaming about the red cup instead of the blue cup or the lack of the cookie.
[00:14:31] Emma Girard: I think that's a great example, Leah. I think if someone is hurt, we're more easily able to see that they need help, right? Because if they're limping, maybe they need assistance. So it's easier to find those moments to offer co-regulation. And I think having emotional vocabulary that's missing unless someone's distressed is also part of the problem
[00:14:55] Leah Clionsky: All right. So how do we do it? Give us some strategies that the parents of the youngest kids here can use tonight. How are we going to co-regulate our kids when they can't do it for themselves?
[00:15:08] Emma Girard: So some of the strategies we use are called the CARES techniques, and it's an acronym, so every letter, C-A-R-E-S, stands for a skill. So first, the adult has to be regulated themselves. If you're not regulated, there's no way I'm gonna have you approach your toddler that's melting down. You as the adult need to be regulated first
[00:15:29] Leah Clionsky: That's the hard part.
[00:15:31] Emma Girard: It is.
[00:15:32] Emma Girard: So as an adult, we already mentioned first, like check your cognitions. Like what are you thinking in this moment? And if you're thinking, "I need a break, I can't handle this," honor that feeling that you have, honor that thought, and take time for yourself first. So that's the C of the adult CARES.
[00:15:49] Leah Clionsky: Okay, so the first thing you're doing is you're really checking in with yourself. Am I regulated enough where I'm not gonna make this worse?
[00:15:57] Emma Girard: Exactly. And if your answer is no, I'm not regulated enough, the A of ADULT is how do you assist yourself? So do you take that moment to do some deep breathing? Do you phone a friend? Do you tap out and say, "I needed my partner to step in because I don't have the energy right now"? How do you assist yourself then find the space and time or recognize it's not available to you?
[00:16:21] Leah Clionsky: My favorite is like a mantra, like, "He's only two. He's only two." Like a reframe reminding myself of the age. I don't know if that works for everyone, but that's personally what I found really helpful when my kids were this age. Like, this is basically a baby in front of me,
[00:16:36] Emma Girard: Absolutely. And Leah, that mantra is what we call reassure
[00:16:41] Leah Clionsky: Mm-hmm.
[00:16:41] Emma Girard: yourself. So reassurers make a verbal statement that like, yes, parenting is hard. He's only two. This too will pass, right? It used to be that they were stuck on the red cup, and now they can have a multiple variety of color of choices without it being the end of the world.
[00:16:57] Emma Girard: So that mantra, that reassuring yourself is the R of adult cares
[00:17:02] Leah Clionsky: Okay. I love that. So we're already through most of adult cares.
[00:17:05] Emma Girard: Yes, that's exactly right. And so for E is how do you provide emotional validation to yourself, right? How do you say, "This is difficult, and I can help my child even when I'm feeling uncertain about how to be present with them. I know that I'm here with them. I don't have to necessarily abandon them in this time.
[00:17:29] Emma Girard: My job's not to fix it, it's just to be here with them through it."
[00:17:33] Leah Clionsky: Mm-hmm. Right. So you're really figuring out, reminding yourself of your role. Like my role is just to be here support- in a supportive way.
[00:17:41] Emma Girard: Yeah. Yeah. It's to be there, to be present with them, that they can see you. You don't even have to be r-right next to them, right? 'Cause some children want a little space, but that they're not alone. And so how can we provide that emotional validation?
[00:17:56] Leah Clionsky: Great. And what do you have for us?
[00:17:58] Emma Girard: And S is just soothing. Like, are you being soothing and kind to yourself? Like, you talked about the child who had a hurt knee, and we soothe them with our voice. We might give them a little rub on the back. But are you soothing to yourself as an adult? Because I think there's so much pressure for us to perform as caregivers that we might think, "Oh, I'm a terrible dad.
[00:18:18] Emma Girard: I- I'm a terrible mom. I don't know what I'm doing." And is that a kind, soothing way that if we talk to ourselves that way, what are we role modeling? And then what does that mean for how we are then approaching our toddler if these are the things that we're saying?
[00:18:34] Leah Clionsky: Okay, that makes so much sense. So you're basically assessing within yourself, like, "Am I at a good enough place to be supportive here?" You're trying to reframe your thought process about your toddler so that you can be more present to them, and then you're trying to validate to yourself like, "Hey, of course I'm upset.
[00:18:52] Leah Clionsky: This is the eighth tantrum of the day. Any reasonable person would now be struggling." And then you're trying to think of yourself positively and soothe yourself and calm yourself down in a proactive, adaptive kind of a way.
[00:19:05] Emma Girard: That's a beautiful recap of what the care skills for adults are
[00:19:10] Leah Clionsky: Fantastic. And then what do you do once you've done that?
[00:19:13] Emma Girard: Now, if we are in a good place and we're now ready to assist our toddler, the care steps are similar but just slightly varied when we're talking about meeting the need of that little one.
[00:19:24] Emma Girard: So that first C is you're gonna come in. So a toddler needs you to get close. So you're gonna get close proximity, try to get down to eye level, depending on the temperament of your child.
[00:19:35] Emma Girard: That means you may be able to pick them up. Other children want their space, so you don't pick them up, but you're nearby so that they can see you. So come in close
[00:19:44] Leah Clionsky: Okay, so you're getting in close physical proximity unless they don't like that, in which case you will back off
[00:19:49] Emma Girard: Correct. It doesn't mean you wanna necessarily be in the other room, but give them that bubble space so they don't feel c- too crowded
[00:19:57] Leah Clionsky: Mm-hmm. Okay.
[00:19:58] Emma Girard: Then the-- we're gonna look at the A, which means assist the child. Now, this means help them with problem-solving around early learning, early teaching when it's possible.
[00:20:09] Emma Girard: Not all things can be assisted with. For your example, with the child who wants another cookie, the answer is not just assist them by giving them another cookie,
[00:20:18] Leah Clionsky: That's a good clarification
[00:20:20] Emma Girard: this is the skill that's the most common to be on a n- on a needs basis. So if it's that they're still hungry, but you know they've had their limit of like a sugary item, then it's to offer them a food that you would feel comfortable with.
[00:20:35] Emma Girard: If they're really not hungry, but I mean, cookies are great, why not just keep eating them? You wouldn't necessarily do an assist skill because there's no early learning teaching. So an assist would be more like the child who is trying to put that toy in the toy sorter, and they start crying and whining because it's not fitting.
[00:20:52] Emma Girard: That star shape is not fitting into the square. So instead of the parent just taking the toy and doing it for them and giving it back, an assist would be, "Oh, you're trying to fit it in. Twist. Doesn't fit here. Turn. Here it slides." And so you're teaching and doing together, performing the activity with the child is the assist.
[00:21:15] Leah Clionsky: That makes so much sense. So you're getting close. If it makes sense to assist because they're upset they can't do something, you're helping to teach them how to do it. And then it-- then you've like solved, you actually have solved their problem, so their frustration's gonna go down
[00:21:29] Emma Girard: It usually does go down after that. Yes, and then that R is how do you reassure the child they're not alone? So it's a verbal statement, "You're okay. I'm here for you. You're okay. I'm here to help. You're okay. I've got you to help you." So it's just that verbal statement reassuring the child they're not alone
[00:21:47] Leah Clionsky: Mm-hmm.
[00:21:49] Emma Girard: And then the E is we're gonna validate the emotion the child's having.
[00:21:54] Emma Girard: So, "You're okay. It's all right to be sad because Grandma left. It's okay to be mad the cookies are all gone." So you wanna validate that emotion for our E step, which is different than, "Don't be sad. Don't be scared." That's invalidating. So we wanna actually name the feeling and let them know it's okay to be sad.
[00:22:16] Emma Girard: It's okay to be upset. It's okay to be scared
[00:22:21] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. And then is there an S for this one too?
[00:22:24] Emma Girard: There is, and it remains sensitive and soothing. So as we are talking to that toddler, the reason why we have to do adult cares first is, can you do that in a tone of voice that's soothing to the child?
[00:22:36] Leah Clionsky: Right. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, I'm-- As we're thinking about this, I'm thinking about the real parenting example that I would run into a lot when my kids were this age, which is they didn't wanna get out of th-the bath. They did not want bath time to be over, and eventually, I would just have to take them out of the bath, wrap them in a towel, and carry them to their room.
[00:22:56] Leah Clionsky: And the way my kids were is at that point, they didn't want you to be that close, right? They were t-too mad at you for ending bath time. So it was a lot of sitting there nearby and saying things like, "It's all right that you're mad at me about ending bath time. I would be frustrated, too, and someday you'll feel better about this."
[00:23:14] Leah Clionsky: So just kind of being present until they could chill out enough where we could reconnect after the
[00:23:19] Emma Girard: Exactly. And what you're doing is by labeling their feeling and also explaining the rationale as to you understand why, it lets the child go, "Oh, you get me." And that helps them relax. So you're exactly right. You want forward momentum. You have to get them out of the bath. So as you're getting out of the bath, you're saying, "I know you're upset bath time's over.
[00:23:40] Emma Girard: It's sad when bath time's done. We'll have bath again tomorrow. Bye bath." Right? So you're validating their emotion while still carrying forward momentum into the rest of your activities for the day.
[00:23:54] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. Yep, and sometimes it would take a while. You know, it would take them a good five, 10 minutes to get over the devastation of leaving a fun bath time. That by the way, they usually didn't wanna start in the first place.
[00:24:06] Leah Clionsky: But I love that, that you ha- have the parent cares first there, because if you don't, if you're not regulated enough, instead you're saying, "Why are you pr- freaking out about bath time?
[00:24:15] Leah Clionsky: This isn't that big a deal," and you're s- you're snapping at them or maybe even getting punitive, and that's not gonna help anything
[00:24:22] Emma Girard: Well, it only triggers more dysregulation in the child. Because again, young toddlers don't understand all the verbal vocabulary we're using, but they do pick up on the nonverbal body language. So as you're stressed, as your tone of voice is raised, they become more dysregulated, like, "You're losing it, that means I'm really gonna lose it."
[00:24:43] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. I love this, Emma. I think this is such a good framework for parents. I think this is concrete enough where it's something parents can go home and use today. And I just wanna remind you all that it's okay if you don't do this perfectly. I'm not gonna lie to you and pretend that I always co-regulated my young toddlers perfectly.
[00:25:03] Leah Clionsky: We're all human beings, so if you mess up, it's not the end of the world. You can repair things. You haven't done something horribly wrong
[00:25:12] Emma Girard: It's such an important message, and all relationships have ruptures. If you don't have a rupture in a relationship, that means you're not connected to someone. So you're right, Lee, it's not the pressure of avoiding ruptures. No. It's about once ruptures occur, how do you help connect again, right?
[00:25:29] Emma Girard: So it's about the repair
[00:25:32] Leah Clionsky: I love this so much. We're going to include the CARES handouts in the show notes so that you can access them too if you're a visual learner and you wanna download something. Emma has generously shared them with us. And Emma, how can people find you if they wanna know more about PCIT toddlers or just want to have some way of following your work?
[00:25:54] Emma Girard: Absolutely. We've got a website that's freely accessible, and it's PCIT hyphen toddler, T-O-D-D-L-E-R-S, does have the S on the end for toddlers, .org. And there's free handouts, there's links to videos that may be helpful, and other resources for all those early parenting needs
[00:26:15] Leah Clionsky: Yep. And if you're struggling with this, we do offer this adaptation also at PCIT Experts, so you can get it through us as well. All right. Thank you again so much, Emma, and I'm so excited to share this resource, and I'm excited to talk to all of you again next week.