Feeling Touched Out? It’s Okay to Set Limits with Your Kids
Feeling Touched Out? It’s Okay to Set Limits with Your Kids
Have you ever reached the point where you simply cannot handle one more person touching you?
Maybe your child has climbed into your lap for the tenth time. Maybe they're pulling on your hair, touching your face, or launching themselves onto you from the other side of the couch. Maybe nothing they're doing is particularly terrible, but your body is saying, I need some space.
You're touched out.
And then the guilt starts.
You love your child. You know physical affection and connection are important. Maybe you've heard that children need our bodies to "co-regulate," and now you're wondering whether telling your child to stop touching you could somehow hurt them.
I want to be very clear about this: Your child does not need unlimited access to your body in order for you to be a loving, connected parent.
In fact, setting limits around your own body can teach your child some incredibly important lessons about consent, bodily autonomy, personal space, and how we treat other people.
Being Touched Out Doesn't Make You a Bad Parent
Very young children need a lot of physical touch.
Babies need to be held, rocked, comforted, and physically cared for. Older children benefit from physical affection, too. Adults do as well. If I'm having a terrible day, I absolutely want a hug from my husband.
Touch matters.
But there's a big difference between saying children benefit from physical connection and saying children should be allowed to touch a parent's body however they want, whenever they want, regardless of how the parent feels.
I don't agree with that.
As children get older, they are capable of learning other ways to regulate themselves. They're also capable of learning that other people's bodies belong to those people.
That includes my body.
If my one-and-a-half-year-old likes pulling my hair, that doesn't mean I have to let them pull my hair.
If my child thinks jumping onto me from the couch is hilarious, that doesn't mean I have to let them do it.
My comfort and physical safety matter, too.
And when I'm touched out, setting a limit isn't rejecting my child. I'm teaching them something.
The Physical Boundaries I Have With My Own Kids
I have rules in my house about how my children are allowed to touch me.
No one is allowed to hurt me. That means no hitting, punching, pinching, or kicking.
That's a safety rule.
My kids also aren't allowed to lick me. I don't like saliva. I think it's disgusting. So no licking Mommy, even if they think it's hilarious.
I'm picky about my hair. My children can't pull it or put sticky fingers in it. And sometimes I simply don't want my hair touched anymore. When that happens, my hair is off limits because it's my hair and it's on my body.
I also don't allow my kids to leap onto me without warning.
If I'm sitting on the couch reading and my child wants to jump into my arms, they need to ask first.
These parenting boundaries aren't arbitrary rules designed to make my kids less affectionate.
They're opportunities to teach my children that physical interaction involves two people, and both people's bodies matter.
Setting Boundaries Teaches Your Child Bodily Autonomy
We're constantly modeling relationships for our children.
If my child touches me in a way that hurts or makes me uncomfortable and I allow it to continue, what am I communicating?
At some level, I'm teaching them that it's okay to touch another person's body however you want, even when that person doesn't like it.
There's another message hidden in there, too.
If other people's discomfort doesn't matter when my child is touching them, why should my child's discomfort matter when someone else is touching my child?
That's not the lesson I want to teach.
I want my children to understand:
Your body belongs to you.
My body belongs to me.
Other people's bodies belong to them.
If someone doesn't want to be touched, we respect that.
This is one of the reasons I believe respectful parenting has to include respect for the parent's boundaries as well as the child's.
When I tell my child how I want my body to be treated, I'm giving them the language and experience they need to set their own boundaries with other people.
These Skills Matter Outside Your Home, Too
Let's say your child loves touching your hair when they're trying to calm down.
If they're allowed to touch your hair whenever they want, what happens when they go to school?
They may try to touch another child's hair.
They may touch their teacher's hair.
But little Joey might not want his hair touched.
Your child's teacher may not want her hair touched.
So our kids need ways to regulate themselves that don't always require access to someone else's body.
Maybe your child can touch a stuffed animal instead.
Maybe there's another sensory activity they can use.
Maybe they can move their body in a way that helps them calm down.
Teaching children these alternatives doesn't mean we're withholding connection. We're helping them learn how to function in social environments where other people have their own needs and boundaries.
That's a skill they'll use for the rest of their lives.
Not Setting Boundaries Can Create Resentment
There's another reason parenting boundaries matter, and this one is about your relationship with your child.
Imagine you're exhausted.
You've been touched all day.
You finally sit down.
Then your child takes a flying leap from the other side of the couch and lands directly on you.
How likely are you to yell?
Probably much more likely than you were five minutes earlier.
How annoyed are you going to feel?
Very.
And how much are you going to want to snuggle with that child immediately afterward?
Probably not much.
When we repeatedly allow people to treat us in ways that make us uncomfortable, resentment can start building.
Parents aren't exempt from that.
If every time you see your child approaching you, you're thinking, Please don't jump on me. Please don't grab my hair. Please don't climb all over me, you're probably not going to feel excited about physical closeness.
Healthy boundaries can actually preserve connection.
If my child knows how to approach me in a way that feels good and safe, I'm much more likely to want to hug them, cuddle with them, and be physically close.
Parents Matter, Too
There's an idea in parenting that being a good parent means sacrificing yourself endlessly.
I don't think that's healthy.
Your physical comfort matters.
Your physical safety matters.
Your body matters.
If my kids leap onto me and hurt me, I'm not going to be as patient or present as I would be if I felt comfortable and safe.
Some of the most important parenting tips aren't about getting your child to behave perfectly. They're about creating a family environment where everyone's needs have value.
That includes yours.
So how do we actually set these limits?
Step 1: Identify the Behavior You Want to Stop
Start by getting specific.
What exactly is bothering you?
Maybe your child:
Pulls your hair
Climbs all over you
Touches your face repeatedly
Jumps onto you without warning
Hits or kicks during play
Wants constant physical contact when you're overwhelmed
Don't start with a vague goal like, I need more space.
Identify the specific behavior you want to change.
For me, let's use the example of my kids leaping onto my body from the couch.
They think it's fun.
There's a sensory component. There's an element of surprise. They want to play with me.
I hate it.
So that's the behavior I'm going to address.
Step 2: Clearly Explain the Boundary
Don't wait until your child is already flying through the air toward you.
Have a conversation about the rule.
I might say something like:
"You know how you think it's fun to leap from the couch onto Mommy? I don't like that. It hurts and feels uncomfortable, so we have a rule that you cannot leap onto me."
That's clear.
I'm not shaming my child for wanting to play.
I'm not telling them they're bad.
I'm explaining how their behavior affects my body and what the rule is going forward.
This is where respectful parenting becomes very practical.
Respect doesn't mean avoiding limits.
It means communicating limits clearly and treating both people's needs as legitimate.
Step 3: Give Them an Alternative
Telling children what they can't do is only part of the equation.
I also want to tell them what they can do.
So after explaining that my child can't jump onto me without warning, I might say:
"If you want to jump into my arms, ask me first and wait for my answer."
Now they have another path to get the interaction they're looking for.
They can ask:
"Mommy, can I jump to you?"
And I can say yes.
Or I can say no.
That's important.
The goal isn't simply teaching my child to say the words. The goal is teaching them that asking for consent means the other person actually gets to answer.
If my arm hurts or I don't feel like playing that way, I'm allowed to say:
"No, I don't want to do that right now."
And my child can learn to accept that no.
Step 4: Follow Through When the Boundary Is Ignored
Your child may understand the rule perfectly and then test it approximately 60 seconds later.
That's normal.
Explaining a boundary doesn't guarantee immediate compliance.
This is where you need to follow through.
If my child jumps onto me after I've explained the rule, I might say:
"We just talked about this. You're not allowed to leap onto my body because it hurts me. I'm going to walk away and give you some space for a couple of minutes because I can't have you jumping on me."
Then I create physical space.
That is not abandonment.
It is not traumatic to tell your child that you're moving away because they aren't treating your body safely.
You can communicate:
"When you can treat my body safely, I'll come back."
Then you return and give them another opportunity.
These are the kinds of parenting tips that help us move beyond endlessly repeating, Stop. Stop. Stop. Please stop.
You're making the expectation clear and showing your child what happens when that expectation isn't respected.
Step 5: Notice When They Get It Right
This is the part parents sometimes forget.
Praise your child when they respect the boundary.
If you played together and your child didn't jump onto you, tell them:
"I'm so proud of you for keeping my body safe. That made me feel so happy to play with you."
If your child asks before jumping into your arms, say:
"Thank you so much for asking me. That was really respectful of my body."
And remember that you can still say no.
You can say:
"I don't want to play that way right now, but thank you for asking and thank you for accepting my no. That's how we keep people's bodies safe."
We're highlighting the skill we want them to develop.
The success isn't that I always say yes.
The success is that my child understands that they need to ask and that my answer matters.
What About Co-Regulation?
I think this is where a lot of parental guilt comes from.
Parents hear that children need co-regulation, and that gets interpreted to mean our children need unlimited access to our physical bodies whenever they're upset.
That's not what I believe healthy co-regulation requires.
Yes, physical touch can be soothing.
Yes, hugs and cuddles can be wonderful.
Yes, younger children in particular need significant physical support from caregivers.
But as children grow, we also want them to develop additional strategies for regulating themselves.
If the only way your child can calm down is by touching your hair, climbing onto your body, or having physical access to you in a way you don't enjoy, that's an opportunity to teach another skill.
We can be emotionally available without making our bodies endlessly available.
That distinction matters.
Being Touched Out Can Be a Signal
When you're touched out, your body is giving you information.
Maybe you need quiet.
Maybe you need physical space.
Maybe you've been ignoring a behavior that actually hurts.
Maybe you've been saying yes to forms of physical play you don't enjoy because you're afraid saying no will upset your child.
You don't need to feel guilty for noticing those signals.
Instead, ask yourself:
What boundary would make this interaction feel better for both of us?
Because parenting boundaries aren't about creating distance for the sake of distance.
They're about creating healthier ways to be close.
Respect Goes Both Ways
Ultimately, this is one of the biggest lessons I want parents to take away from this conversation.
Respectful parenting doesn't require parents to erase themselves.
We're teaching our children how relationships work through the relationships we have with them.
I want my children to know that they deserve to feel safe in their bodies.
I want them to know they can tell someone to stop touching them.
I want them to expect other people to respect their no.
And one of the ways I teach those lessons is by showing them that I expect those same things for myself.
So if you're touched out today, you are allowed to say:
"Please don't touch my hair."
"Don't jump on me."
"I don't want to cuddle right now."
"You can sit next to me instead."
"Please ask me before you do that."
Those limits don't make you less loving.
They teach your child that love and respect can exist together.
And that might be one of the most valuable parenting tips we can give them.
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[00:00:00] Leah Clionsky: Do you ever feel completely touched out as a parent? You just need a little bit of physical space. Maybe your child has leapt on you for the third time in a row, and your back hurts, or you just can't handle any more hands on your face right now, and you know you wanna tell them to give you some space, and you also feel really guilty about setting some limits.
[00:00:25] Leah Clionsky: This is so common in parents right now. So in today's episode, what I'm gonna talk to you about is how and why you need to be able to set some limits around how our kids touch you and how our kids touch us, and why that's completely okay, developmentally appropriate, and it's not harming them. So get ready, and I will tell you all of my thoughts
[00:00:54] Leah Clionsky: One of the myths that is out there in parenting Instagram right now, parenting Instagram, by the way, I think is one of the scariest places on the internet for parents, is that our children need our physical bodies to, quote-unquote, "co-regulate" at all times, and that in, in order to help them calm down, we have to allow them to touch us however they want to, however much they want to, and in whatever way or intensity they want to, and it doesn't matter how we feel about it.
[00:01:28] Leah Clionsky: I think this is a terrible idea. I mean, I understand, and we can make a very solid argument for the fact that very young children, especially babies, need to be calmed down usually through physical touch. They need to be held and rocked, right? We're literally calming down their physical bodies with our own bodies.
[00:01:49] Leah Clionsky: You know, that's what breastfeeding is about a lot of the time, even though babies who do not breastfeed are still healthy babies, and the research really supports that. But regardless, very young children do need a lot of physical touch, and even older kids really benefit from touch. I mean, l- let's face it, adults benefit from touch.
[00:02:09] Leah Clionsky: If, if I'm having a terrible day, I really want a hug from my husband. So these things are all important, and that does not mean that our children need us to physically regulate them with our bodies however they want us to, whenever they want us to, all the time, no matter how we feel about it. Especially when we have kids who are a little bit older, they can start learning some skills to regulate their own bodies, and We deserve to be treated with respect in the bodies that we live in.
[00:02:45] Leah Clionsky: So even if you have a one-and-a-half-year-old who's pulling your hair, even though they like that, it doesn't mean that you like it and you have to allow it to continue. So let's talk about why it is actually very important that we set boundaries with our kids about our bodies and about how we want to be touched.
[00:03:06] Leah Clionsky: Before I do that, I'm going to tell you some of the rules I have in my house around how people are allowed to touch me. Um, no one is allowed to hurt me. So no matter how good it feels, there's a no hurting rule. You can't hit me, you can't punch me, you can't pinch me, you can't kick me, right? Like those things are completely off limits.
[00:03:24] Leah Clionsky: So that is always a rule. It's a safety rule that's set in stone. I would never tolerate that. Other things that I won't tolerate that my kids know about. You can't lick me. I think it's disgusting. I don't like saliva, so no licking Mommy, even if you think it's funny. Um, I'm picky about how you touch my hair.
[00:03:43] Leah Clionsky: You can't put your sticky fingers in my hair. You can't pull my hair. If you're touching it too much and I just can't-- just don't want it to be touched anymore, then my hair is off limits. It's my hair, it's on my body. I don't let kids just leap onto me, um, especially if with no warning. If you want to jump and you want me to catch you, you have to ask my permission first.
[00:04:06] Leah Clionsky: So if I'm sitting on the couch reading a book or doing something, no one should be leaping onto my body from afar. So those are just some of the rules I have in my house about my kids and how and when they're allowed to touch me. But let's talk about why it's important to have rules like that The first is that by having rules about how we are touched, we are teaching our kids about bodily autonomy for them and for other people.
[00:04:36] Leah Clionsky: We are constantly modeling for our kids how they and others should be treated. And when we let them climb on us or touch us in a way that's hurtful or uncomfortable, what we're communicating to them is that it is okay to touch other people however you want, whether or not they like it. And there's an implicit, um, statement in there that they should also be willing to let people touch them however that person wants, whether or not they like it.
[00:05:08] Leah Clionsky: So it makes sense for us to have very clear boundaries around how we like to be touched or not touched, and some really solid rules in there about how touch needs to be consensual, even for very small children, maybe even especially for very small children. So we already wanna get this concept in there that other people's bodies matter, other people's feelings and safety in their bodies matter, and it's up to us to respect how other people feel in their bodies.
[00:05:40] Leah Clionsky: It's also an important expectation that other people will respect how we feel in our bodies. So we're trying to just get this principle really in there that it is okay to set boundaries about your body. It's okay for me to set boundaries about my body with you, and by doing that, I teach you the language to set boundaries about your body with other people.
[00:06:06] Leah Clionsky: So just getting that concept in there is really important Also, this is an important thing for school. So if you have a child who is always regulating by touching your hair, when they're in a school environment, they're gonna go and touch everybody else's hair too, and little Joey over there might not like that, and then there's going to be an issue with the school.
[00:06:32] Leah Clionsky: So part of what we're teaching by modeling people's personal space and setting some of those boundaries and limits is this is how we treat other kids or teachers in other contexts. So part of it is also helping children learn some skills for regulating their body without it always being through physical touch with you as a caregiver, because they are capable of learning those skills in the vast majority of cases, or having something else that they can touch instead of an actual person.
[00:07:04] Leah Clionsky: So it makes sense that like, I keep using the hair example, but if you've ever met me or seen pictures of me, you know I have very long blonde hair, and it's very attractive to my children to wanna always be touching it, right? So but if you're learned that you cannot always touch mommy's hair, what else can you touch to calm down that has nothing to do with other people's bodies?
[00:07:26] Leah Clionsky: Do you have a stuffed animal you can touch instead? Is there some other way you can move your body to calm down? You know, but that does not mean we can touch our friend's hair, our teacher's hair, and anything else we feel like touching. So helping to teach these bodily autonomy skills also helps our kids in social contexts where they're with other people who will set boundaries around those things so that your child is not confused about safety.
[00:07:53] Leah Clionsky: If they have this core idea other people's bodies belong to them, it's up to them how they wanna be touched, and if they don't like it, I have to back off. This concept helps frame a lot of social interactions in a way where your child goes in kind of knowing this social rule, this extremely important social rule for other contexts So if we just let them climb all over us when we don't feel like having that happen, the other thing that happens is that it starts building resentment with our kids.
[00:08:28] Leah Clionsky: How frustrating is it when you are touched out and your child l- takes a flying leap from the other side of the couch and lands on your body? Terrible. What are the chances you are going to yell at that point? High. How annoyed are you gonna feel with your child? Very. How much are you actually gonna wanna get close to them and hug them and be, and be near them?
[00:08:50] Leah Clionsky: Not very much. So part of how we preserve relationships with people is we set boundaries around how they're allowed to treat us. And so if you don't wanna feel borderline resentful of your child touching you, you have to set some limits around how they are allowed to touch you so that they know what to do to approach you in positive ways.
[00:09:12] Leah Clionsky: And so when you see them, you feel like going up and giving them a hug. You know, you feel like getting close to them. You're not thinking, "Oh, maybe they won't see me and then they won't leap on my body." So it preserves their relationship with you as well. And also, we deserve to feel comfortable in our bodies as parents.
[00:09:29] Leah Clionsky: Our job is not to be all-sacrificing. Our b- our, we matter, too. Our physical safety, our physical comfort matters. And if my kids leap on me and hurt me, I'm certainly not gonna be able to be as good of a mom as if I'm feeling good in my body So hopefully at this point, you feel convinced that it is okay to set some limits around how our kids touch us and communicate those limits to our kids.
[00:09:58] Leah Clionsky: The trick is, how are we going to do this in a way that makes sense, and how are we gonna deal with pushback if they still test our limits because it's fun and it feels good to them? So how are we gonna do it? The first thing that we're gonna do is we're going to identify the behavior we don't like. So I'm gonna use the leaping onto my body example from the couch because that is something I don't let happen, even though my kids think that that would be a fun thing to do.
[00:10:28] Leah Clionsky: So why do they wanna do it? It's they wanna engage in play. There's that sensory aspect. You know, there's that fun aspect. They're like, "Ooh, I surprised you." I hate it. It doesn't work for me. So the first thing you're gonna do after you identify for yourself, "All right, that's the thing I need to stop," is you're going to have a conversation where you really explain to them what you don't want to happen.
[00:10:52] Leah Clionsky: So you could say something like, "You know how you think it's fun to leap from the couch onto Mommy? I don't like that. It hurts, it feels bad, it's uncomfortable. So we have a rule in this house now, and it's that you cannot leap onto me." So you just set it out really clear. "If you want to come in and hug me, or you want me to catch you, I need you to ask me if it's okay first and wait for my answer.
[00:11:22] Leah Clionsky: So this is the rule about my body." So notice what I'm doing there is I'm going in, I'm explaining exactly what I don't want to happen, and I'm giving an alternative for if they wanna have that kind of more interactive game with me. "So you cannot come up and leap onto me. You can ask if I want you to jump to me, and then I will tell you yes or no."
[00:11:47] Leah Clionsky: So I'm letting them know what's not okay, and then I'm giving them a path for how we could have a different kind of interaction. And if you notice, I explicitly name consent in there. I want them to ask me, "Is it okay if I jump to you?" So I could say, "Sure, I'm ready for you," and also not drop them then. Or I want them to ask because that way I can say, "No," like, "My arm hurts," or, "No, I don't feel like playing that game right now," and they can accept the no.
[00:12:17] Leah Clionsky: So it's laying it out, it's giving them an alternative path- pathway, and then it's if you need a backup consequence if they keep doing it, having that in mind. So if you set that rule and your child one minute later leaps onto you, then you say to them, "We just talked about this. This is the rule where you're not allowed to leap onto my body.
[00:12:38] Leah Clionsky: It hurts me. And so now I'm gonna walk away and give you space for a couple of minutes because I can't have you jumping on me." So, like, just really laying that out and then backing off and giving them a space where it's actually impossible for them to do that thing that's annoying to you. And it is okay, and not traumatic, and not abandonment to set a limit around your physical autonomy, and if it is violated, to put some space in between you and the person who is violating that.
[00:13:06] Leah Clionsky: "When you can treat my body safely, I will come back." So maybe you give them a minute or two, and then you come back, and then you watch to see if that behavior happens again. So, so far you are explaining clearly to them what behavior is not allowed. You're giving them an alternative for how they can have that attention.
[00:13:27] Leah Clionsky: You have a consequence if they choose to use that behavior. The last step, so I guess this is a little bit of a four-step equation really, the last step is that you are going to praise them as much as possible for following the rule. So if you've played with them and they never leapt onto you, and that's been a real issue, you say, "I'm so proud of you for keeping my body safe.
[00:13:51] Leah Clionsky: That made me feel so happy to play with you, and now my arm doesn't hurt, and that feels wonderful." Or, um, if they ask you, if they say, "Can I jump into your arms?" You say, "Thank you so much for asking me. That was so respectful of my body. Thank you for asking me." And then at that point, you either say yes or no.
[00:14:12] Leah Clionsky: You're still allowed to say no. Like, you can say, "You know, I really don't wanna play that way right now, but I thank you for still asking, and thank you for accepting my no. That's how we keep people's bodies safe." So you're, you're really highlighting to them it's the fact that they give you that choice.
[00:14:31] Leah Clionsky: So hopefully at this point, you feel a couple things. Number one, you feel relieved that it is not your job as a parent to allow your child to touch you however they want, and that you are allowed to have some physical safety and boundaries for yourself. That two, it is actually good for your child for you to start working on this boundary setting with them, and that there's nothing morally wrong with doing that or developmentally inappropriate with setting limits about how you want your body to be touched.
[00:15:01] Leah Clionsky: Hopefully, you're feeling that this is gonna help them in the future to start understanding physical space and bodily autonomy through direct modeling and interaction with you. And hopefully now you feel like you have the tools to use this with your child in your own home. So I'm excited for you to do this.
[00:15:22] Leah Clionsky: You know, if you would like to hear more topics on this area, right now there's a little place in the show notes where you can actually suggest, um, Educated Parent episodes to me. So if you have follow-up questions or you even have a specific topic you wish I would talk about on Educated Parent, it's right there.
[00:15:40] Leah Clionsky: And I'm so excited, and I hope that, um, this episode is helpful to you, and that you have a great rest of your week.