How to Parent Well After Arguing in Front of Kids with Dr. Laura Spiller
We’ve all had that moment.
You’re snapping at your partner in the car over directions or dinner plans, and mid-sentence you realize:
The kids are right there. Listening. Watching. Soaking it all in.
You freeze. You feel the heat rise in your chest.
You think, “Did I just mess them up?”
If you’ve ever wondered what to do after arguing in front of kids, this episode of The Educated Parent is for you.
I sat down with Dr. Laura Spiller - a clinical psychologist, emotionally focused therapist, and mom - to unpack why parents arguing in front of a child can feel so destabilizing, what it actually teaches kids about conflict, and most importantly, how to repair after those moments happen.
Because yes, it matters. But no, it’s not too late.
Why Arguing in Front of Kids Feels So Scary (and What We Get Wrong About It)
Let’s start with the gut punch: yelling at your spouse in front of child can feel like the ultimate parenting failure. I hear it all the time:
“My partner and I lost it, and now I’m spiraling.”
“Are we damaging our kid forever?”
“Should I pretend it never happened - or say something?”
These fears are real. And they come from a good place.
You want to protect your child’s emotional world. You want to model healthy communication.
But here's the truth:
Arguing in front of kids doesn’t have to cause harm - if you know how to follow it up.
That’s where the opportunity lies.
The Real Problem Isn't the Fight - It’s the Silence After
One of the most powerful takeaways from my conversation with Dr. Spiller was this:
“Avoiding the conversation after the conflict is what causes the most harm - not the conflict itself.”
In other words, the danger isn’t necessarily parents arguing in front of a child - it’s what happens after.
If we move on as if nothing happened…
If we act like our kids didn’t hear the yelling…
If we shut down their questions or emotions…
We leave them alone with a narrative they don’t have the tools to understand.
That’s where the long term effects of parents fighting start to take root.
What Kids Actually Learn When We Avoid the Aftermath
When we ignore or dismiss a conflict, here’s what children might internalize:
“It must not have been a big deal, even though it felt scary to me.”
“No one is going to explain what just happened. I guess I have to figure it out alone.”
“Maybe I caused it.”
“Conflict means danger.”
You might not say these things, but silence speaks volumes.
Dr. Spiller explained it like this:
“Kids can’t process these moments without help. And without context, they often blame themselves or fear the worst.”
This is why arguing in front of kids doesn’t have to be traumatizing.
But ignoring the repair just might be.
Step-by-Step: What to Do After You’ve Argued in Front of Your Child
Ready to turn a tough moment into a healing one? Here’s how.
Step 1: Get Calm - Then Commit to the Conversation
Don’t rush the talk while you’re still dysregulated. Your nervous system needs to settle first.
Once you’re calm enough to be present, set the intention: I will not avoid this.
This is where self-compassion comes in. Remind yourself:
You’re human.
Conflict happens in even the healthiest families.
What matters most is how you reconnect.
Step 2: Age-Appropriate Explanation
Use simple, honest language. With a younger child, you might say:
“Hey sweetie, I know you saw me and Daddy arguing earlier. That probably didn’t feel very good. We were both frustrated about something, but we’ve talked and worked through it now.”
The goal isn’t to explain every detail - it’s to acknowledge what happened, show resolution, and assure them it’s not their fault.
If your child is older, you can be a bit more direct:
“I know that was uncomfortable to hear. We didn’t handle it perfectly, but we’re okay, and we’re working on communicating better.”
This is especially important if the conflict involved yelling at a spouse in front of child. A calm, grounded follow-up reassures them:
The yelling didn’t mean danger. Love is still present.
Step 3: Validate Their Feelings
Let your child share how they felt - scared, confused, sad, even mad.
Then say the magic words:
“That makes sense. I felt upset too. You’re not wrong to feel what you felt.”
Validation is the antidote to shame. It’s how we undo the isolation caused by those scary moments.
Step 4: Reframe the Experience
This is where real learning happens.
Let them know:
Conflict is normal.
Disagreements don’t mean the relationship is broken.
Emotions are okay - and manageable.
You’re modeling what they’ll need for their own future relationships: how to navigate conflict without panic.
But What About the Long-Term Effects of Parents Fighting?
It’s all over Google. It terrifies moms late at night. And it’s not totally unfounded.
Yes, chronic, unresolved, high-conflict environments can impact a child’s emotional security.
But a single argument in the car? Or even a string of them, handled with repair?
That doesn’t have to lead to damage. In fact, it can do the opposite.
Dr. Spiller put it best:
“Conflict that’s acknowledged, processed, and repaired teaches kids resilience. It shows them how to recover and reconnect.”
So no - you haven’t messed up beyond repair.
But yes - you do have to lean into the repair.
Why Yelling Feels So Damaging (And How to Recover)
Let’s zoom in on something many parents fear most:
Yelling at your spouse in front of your child.
Even if you’re not a “yeller,” high-stress moments can bring it out. And kids notice.
The raised voice. The sharp tone. The tension in the air.
What feels like a passing moment to you can feel like danger to them.
So what do you do?
Acknowledge the yelling.
“I raised my voice. I was frustrated, but that’s not how I want to act.”Take responsibility.
“I’m working on staying calmer, even when I’m upset.”Reassure them.
“It wasn’t your fault. And we’re okay.”
This teaches your child that yelling at your spouse in front of child is not ideal - but also not catastrophic.
It’s repairable. Understandable. Human.
Why This Matters More Than Ever for Today’s Parents
If you’re a high-achieving parent in a high-pressure life, you already carry enough guilt.
You're juggling careers, carpools, and constant expectations. You want to parent intentionally, but real life happens.
The emotional labor is heavy.
And the advice is noisy.
That’s why I created the Educated Parent podcast: to help you cut through the overwhelm and find grounded, expert-led support.
This topic - arguing in front of kids - is a perfect example of how parenting gets complicated fast.
But here’s the good news:
You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be present.
Final Thoughts: How to Be the Grown-Up After the Blow-Up
The moments we want to avoid are often the ones with the most power to connect.
Your child doesn’t need you to never lose your temper.
They need you to show them what repair looks like.
They need to see:
Adults owning their behavior.
Feelings being validated.
Conflicts getting resolved.
That’s how you buffer the long term effects of parents fighting.
That’s how you rewrite the narrative of parents arguing in front of a child.
That’s how you turn even the messiest moment into a lesson in love.
Want more scripts and strategies for what to say after an argument?
Listen to this week’s episode of The Educated Parent:
How to Parent Well After Arguing in Front of Kids with Dr. Laura Spiller.
Let’s raise kids who understand emotions - because they’ve seen us do the work.
Let’s connect:
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Connect with Dr. Laura Spiller:
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[00:00:00] Leah Clionsky: Welcome to the Educated Parent Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Leah Clionsky, and I am so excited that you're here today, especially because we're gonna talk about a topic that will happen to pretty much all of us, if any of us has a spouse or a partner at home. So let me lay out a situation and tell me if you can relate to this.
[00:00:20] Leah Clionsky: You are in the car with your spouse or partner and you start to disagree about something. Maybe you don't agree where you should park or where you should stop on a road trip and suddenly, you know, maybe you're snapping at each other. Maybe someone starts yelling, the whole thing escalates, and then you realize, oh my goodness, my kids are here.
[00:00:39] Leah Clionsky: And they saw us have an argument. Oh my gosh, what do I do about that? This is so uncomfortable, so if this happens to you or could happen to you, that is what we're here to talk about today, and I have the most amazing guest. I'm so excited to introduce Dr. Laura Spiller. She brings over two decades of expertise in clinical psychology and specializes in helping families navigate conflict and build resilience through challenging times.
[00:01:06] Leah Clionsky: Her unique perspective is shaped by both professional training and profound personal experience. Having supported her late husband through a five year cancer journey while raising two young children. As a former psychology professor and researcher, she combines academic rigor with practical insights to help parents transform their relationships into secure foundations for family healing.
[00:01:30] Leah Clionsky: Drawing from her extensive training and emotionally focused Dr. Spiller guides couples to create safe nurturing environments for their children even during times of conflict. Her compassionate approach helps parents turn difficult moments into opportunities for connection and growth, ensuring families emerge stronger than life's challenges.
[00:01:49] Leah Clionsky: So clearly she's here. Dr. Spiller, I'm so excited to have you on Educated Parent.
[00:01:55] Dr. Laura Spiller: Thank you, Leah. I'm really glad to be here.
[00:01:58] Leah Clionsky: Yeah,
[00:01:58] Dr. Laura Spiller: is such an important to talk about, important topic to talk about too.
[00:02:02] Leah Clionsky: Oh, absolutely. Because this is so relatable and no one knows what to do when this happens to them.
[00:02:07] Dr. Laura Spiller: Mm-hmm.
[00:02:08] Leah Clionsky: Yeah.
[00:02:09] Dr. Laura Spiller: helping to use these challenging moments, you know, for greater connection, understanding, you know, knowledge of ourself, of our, the people we love and care about. And I can think about 'em as opportunities.
[00:02:20] Leah Clionsky: That's such a good reframe. Instead of just the terrible guilt and shame of, oh no, I've had conflict in front of my kids. You know, have I traumatized them? Right? That's what we're all afraid of. Have we done something that's caused irreparable harm?
[00:02:34] Dr. Laura Spiller: I think we all remember those moments of, you know, being in the back, the kid in the backseat when our parents were fighting, um, and not knowing what's, how to make sense of it.
[00:02:44] Leah Clionsky: Yeah, I can remember that too. Mm-hmm. Yep. And I don't think people talked about it very much.
[00:02:51] Dr. Laura Spiller: Yeah, I think that that is the, the, the move on. Pretend it doesn't happen. You know, try to hope everybody forgets about it, you know, not wanna make it worse by talking about it. That's a real common, um, strategy, especially when we were younger. It's like, yeah.
[00:03:05] Leah Clionsky: So from you saying that, I'm getting the feeling that you might end up telling us that we actually have to talk about this and we can't just avoid it and be more comfortable.
[00:03:15] Dr. Laura Spiller: I think one of the best things we can do is help our child, children make sense of their experiences that are hard and difficult.
[00:03:23] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. I know
[00:03:25] Dr. Laura Spiller: So it's even better than protecting, even better than protecting them from those difficult experiences is, is being there to help guide them and help them make sense of, of those difficult experiences in supporting.
[00:03:35] Dr. Laura Spiller: Supporting them.
[00:03:37] Leah Clionsky: Can I ask you, Laura, have you ever gotten into an argument in front of your kids? Has this ever happened to you?
[00:03:43] Dr. Laura Spiller: Absolutely. Um, absolutely. I have been that parent in the front seat snapping, um, you know, trying to say, there's nothing wrong with my driving. I don't know what your problem is. If you had just asked for directions, then we wouldn't be lost.
[00:04:00] Leah Clionsky: It's universal,
[00:04:02] Dr. Laura Spiller: Yes, exactly. And had my kids say things like, mommy, daddy, stop fighting.
[00:04:10] Leah Clionsky: Yeah.
[00:04:10] Dr. Laura Spiller: know?
[00:04:11] Leah Clionsky: Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's an uncomfortable one when they call you out directly like that.
[00:04:17] Dr. Laura Spiller: Absolutely.
[00:04:18] Leah Clionsky: Yeah,
[00:04:19] Dr. Laura Spiller: Absolutely.
[00:04:20] Leah Clionsky: but none of us are perfect parents, perfect people, or perfect partners.
[00:04:24] Dr. Laura Spiller: And our kids aren't perfect either. So if we help them know how to be imperfect people navigating a challenging world, right, that we are preparing them, um, to have better, more fulfilling lives in the future.
[00:04:37] Leah Clionsky: So, Laura, can you explain to me like why can't we avoid it? Like what are the. The harms that we can do if we just have the fight or have multiple fights and just pretend that nothing happened, just move on, not talk about it. When kids ask about it, we don't answer them. Like, why is that not the best plan in your opinion?
[00:05:01] Dr. Laura Spiller: Yeah, I talk to people all the time about what they learned about relationships from what they saw their parents do. And one of the things that people describe consistently as being really difficult and kind of making it hard for them to, you know, understand their own inner world and navigate their feelings is that they saw things that they knew were upsetting and scary.
[00:05:26] Dr. Laura Spiller: Everybody else around them acted like it was no big deal and not happening. I mean, it leads to this difficulty trusting our perceptions, you know, knowing what to do with upset feelings and just feeling like we almost can't trust the people around us to be living in the same world and, um, that we're in.
[00:05:47] Dr. Laura Spiller: Um, it's, it's very isolating. So I think that's one of the biggest problems with not. Talking about it or naming it or acknowledging that, yeah, this was a hard thing and it felt bad for everybody.
[00:06:00] Leah Clionsky: So if we just avoid it and pretend that nothing happened, then we're sort of saying to our kids, there was nothing to be upset about. Like you were in the car with us, you heard us yelling, and you should just be fine with this. And that's
[00:06:14] Dr. Laura Spiller: We're all fine. I don't know what's wrong with you. There must be something wrong with you that this was upsetting for you and that you, you know, that you felt like there's a problem here. It's fine.
[00:06:23] Leah Clionsky: Do you feel like it's kind of how people talk about gaslighting a little bit, like with good intentions, like, we'll just pretend I don't wanna worry you with my problem, so we'll just move on. But then it's like there's this accidental secondary problem with it.
[00:06:36] Dr. Laura Spiller: Yeah. Yes. It really leaves people isolated, alone, confused, and having to make sense of it on our own. And then kids, you know, don't have a sophisticated framework for making sense of what's happening. Yeah, they more are more likely to be blame themselves or, you know, um, you know, be, be more upset and confused about what's happening without some help.
[00:07:00] Leah Clionsky: so with like no context, like, so if you're the kid in the backseat and your parents get into a fight. With no discussion or context, you might think that somehow the fight was your fault. Like maybe it's because you asked for a snack or you asked them to pull over and use the bathroom, and then they have a fight, and so you think I caused the fight even though you actually had nothing to do with it at all.
[00:07:21] Dr. Laura Spiller: Mm-hmm. And now I have to be really careful, you know? 'cause I don't know what's gonna happen or when this is gonna blow up or if everything's okay. Again.
[00:07:31] Leah Clionsky: Right? Do you think too, like kids imagine that the worst will happen. So if there's an argument and no one talks about it, maybe like their friend's parents got divorced, what if it happens to my parents?
[00:07:41] Dr. Laura Spiller: Yeah. Yeah. And it's really common, you know, for kids just to go through periods where they may be asking about, you know, divorce or, yeah. Are we gonna always live together and are you gonna always love each other? And what does this fight mean? Um, yeah.
[00:07:57] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. Okay, so you're convincing
[00:07:59] Dr. Laura Spiller: for kids
[00:08:01] Leah Clionsky: You're convincing me, we should probably talk about this, even though it's more comfortable sometimes to avoid these tough discussions, especially if we don't know how to have these tough discussions at all.
[00:08:11] Dr. Laura Spiller: and it's likely people didn't have these tough discussions with us, so we don't have a, you know, so we often don't have a model for how to do that.
[00:08:18] Leah Clionsky: Do you think that healthy relationships can have conflict?
[00:08:23] Dr. Laura Spiller: Absolutely. I think conflict is normal. I think conflict is the way that we learn about ourselves and our partner. You know, as I mentioned earlier, I feel I see them as opportunity. Um, yeah, I mean obviously it's important to try to have constructive conflict that doesn't escalate. Um. You know, too, too much.
[00:08:44] Dr. Laura Spiller: Um, but if it does, it's even more important to come back around and address it and, and help children understand what happened and, and that what you are doing to try to use that constructively and try to prevent it from happening again.
[00:09:00] Leah Clionsky: You know, as you're talking about this, I'm thinking about like how our children watch everything we do and model their behavior after us a lot of the
[00:09:08] Dr. Laura Spiller: Mm-hmm.
[00:09:09] Leah Clionsky: So I'm thinking about like if they can see healthy conflict and they can see people talk about it afterwards, maybe that gives them a framework for understanding conflict in their future relationships as well.
[00:09:22] Leah Clionsky: And also knowing when it's not healthy too. Like what is the difference between the way my parents fought that was healthy and maybe a situation that is, you know, not good for them
[00:09:30] Dr. Laura Spiller: yeah. Yeah. And part of what makes Es, you know, conflict escalate is. Fear in those moments. And if we are, don't know what to do with our own upset or it's, it tells us that something is really wrong with our relationship, then it potentiates the conflict. You know, oh no, this is terrible. We shouldn't fight about this.
[00:09:56] Dr. Laura Spiller: Why are you making me so upset? Um, it actually adds to the escalation. So we make it. You know, if we're talking to our kids about them, helping them understand that everybody gets angry and that we can have conflicts without being, you know, not, um, without, you know, meaning that our relationship is bad or that the person that we're having a disagreement with is bad, then we help them be able to remain calm when they're having conflict and to avoid more disruption and escalation in their conflict in the future too.
[00:10:27] Leah Clionsky: So,
[00:10:27] Dr. Laura Spiller: a complicated idea there.
[00:10:29] Leah Clionsky: yeah. So what you're saying is that if we can model for our kids. Healthy conflict is okay. Especially conflict that's talked about and resolved. Then when they grow up someday and they're in a relationship and they see healthy conflict happen, they won't panic and think, oh no, our relationship is over 'cause we're having conflict.
[00:10:48] Leah Clionsky: And then they won't add fuel to the fire of the fight that they are now having with their own partner.
[00:10:53] Dr. Laura Spiller: exactly. Yeah,
[00:10:55] Leah Clionsky: Yeah, it is, you're right. It's kind of scary to have conflict with someone you love.
[00:11:01] Dr. Laura Spiller: Totally.
[00:11:02] Leah Clionsky: Yeah.
[00:11:03] Dr. Laura Spiller: It's, it's, yeah, normal that, that in those moments when we, you know, like we're in the car, you know, we're feeling misunderstood, we're feeling not like, you know, we're getting through, we're not being responded to, that there is this like, you know, um. Yeah, I mean, I use the term alarm, this internal alarm, like uhoh, this is not good.
[00:11:24] Dr. Laura Spiller: I don't like this. You know, why aren't you listening to me? I mean, that, that is, yeah, a really normal thing. But when we add to it, you know, the message that there's something bad about our relationship and that this fight is gonna put, you know, our relationship in jeopardy, then it's that much more, the alarm is that much louder.
[00:11:43] Dr. Laura Spiller: And the internal, you know, state of upset is that much bigger. And that's when we kind of yeah. Lose our ability to stay calm and cool and collected.
[00:11:52] Leah Clionsky: Yeah, it's so interesting how much of that parenting is trying to stay calm yourself.
[00:11:57] Dr. Laura Spiller: Totally. Totally. Yeah.
[00:12:00] Leah Clionsky: because this is the Educated Parent podcast and you need to walk out with strategies, we're not just gonna tell you, go talk to your kids and leave you by yourself to figure it out. So now we're going to give you some actual strategies. So I guess my first question, Laura, is when and when should this conversation take place?
[00:12:19] Leah Clionsky: So we should have it. It's scary to have it. How do you set it up so that it's a successful conversation? Do you have it right after? Do you wait? What do you do?
[00:12:30] Dr. Laura Spiller: Yeah, I think that the, um, it's not crucial to have it right after, but the sooner that you can have the conversation in a place where you have returned to sort of a baseline calmness where you feel confident that you can come to your kids, you know, the, the goals of what you, you know, the goals of this conversation are twofold.
[00:12:48] Dr. Laura Spiller: You know, one is to help them understand conflict better, so to help them see that you can have, you know. A disagreement and you can have difficult emotions and some heat, but that you can also discuss it and have resolution. So that's your first goal, um, is to, to help them kind of see that, that that's possible.
[00:13:12] Dr. Laura Spiller: And the second one is to have a place to be able to say, I didn't like it. It felt bad for me. Um, and for you to validate that and be like, yeah, I know. I can remember, you know, being a kid. And, and that didn't feel good for me too, and I know it's hard and. You know, I'm sorry that you felt that way, and I, um, to, to have a place to name and validate their feelings and let them know that what they felt is normal.
[00:13:34] Leah Clionsky: So what I'm hearing you tell me is that the first step is committing to having the conversation once you, as the parent have calmed down enough to have the conversation. You don't wanna have it when you are still in fight or flight escalated. Yeah.
[00:13:47] Dr. Laura Spiller: Yeah. So, yeah, I brought up those two points where you wanna be able to have it when you can kind of honestly. Say that yes, we talked a bit about it or we're working on talk about it, that you are in a place where you can say that this disagreement, you know, is, um, going to be resolved or is resolved and, and help them understand that and have enough emotional balance that you can hold their feeling.
[00:14:11] Dr. Laura Spiller: With love and compassion and validate. So that's more important than any specific timeline. So it may take you an hour, it may take you 48 hours, you know, um, it may take a week, you know, um, I think that's probably a little long to leave the kids, you know, with without some support around it. But it, coming back a week later, two weeks later, a month later is still better than not coming back to it at all.
[00:14:34] Leah Clionsky: Mm. So if your kids don't look upset, that doesn't mean just assume they're fine, like still come back, have the conversation. You know, make sure you are calm enough to have the conversation
[00:14:46] Dr. Laura Spiller: Exactly.
[00:14:47] Leah Clionsky: and have it so that that's instrumental. 'cause I think sometimes we're like, oh, they look fine. Maybe we can just avoid this.
[00:14:53] Leah Clionsky: And we, I, I feel like all psychologists say or don't avoid things, approaching things is almost always better than avoiding problems,
[00:15:01] Dr. Laura Spiller: Yes.
[00:15:02] Leah Clionsky: we are committed, we are not avoiding, that is step number one. Step number two is about helping them see conflict resolution and process. What, what does that look like?
[00:15:13] Dr. Laura Spiller: Yeah. So, so we might, you know, take, you know, and of course it's gonna sound a little bit different based on your child and their age, but, you know, imagine that you have a little one, you know, maybe five or six years old. Um, you know, you're, you're gonna come and say, you know, you wanna acknowledge what Wow.
[00:15:29] Dr. Laura Spiller: You know. I know mom and dad had a fight yesterday and we were angry. Um, and I bet that didn't feel very good. I know that that was hard.
[00:15:38] Leah Clionsky: Mm-hmm.
[00:15:39] Dr. Laura Spiller: you know, and I wanna let you know that we have kept talking about it and even though it was really hard that, um, to, for us to disagree, um, that we have talked about it and we're finding a way to, um, you know, to be able to.
[00:15:54] Dr. Laura Spiller: We both care about this and to, um, care about what it, you know, probably make it a little bit complicated for a 5-year-old. But yeah, we, we figured out a way to, to get, to make this go well. Um, and we're really glad that we talked about it. 'cause even though it was hard, we really feel a lot better about it now.
[00:16:14] Leah Clionsky: You know, it's funny, Laura, if as you're saying that, even though obviously I'm not five and my parents did not just have a fight, I feel a little relieved just hearing it, like just having the explanation of like, this is what happened and it simplified enough where I don't feel. A child would think they were responsible, but it's also like clear enough, like there was a problem and you had a reaction to it and it was real and we addressed it as adults and nothings are okay.
[00:16:44] Dr. Laura Spiller: Yeah. I mean, and kids are gonna understand. I wanted to do it one way and your dad wanted to do it another way.
[00:16:51] Leah Clionsky: Right.
[00:16:51] Dr. Laura Spiller: really kind of had to talk that through and it was hard. Yeah. And we both got frustrated, you know? Um, because kids have probably had that experience that they're gonna get frustrated that their friend wants to play the game one way and they wanna play the game another way.
[00:17:04] Dr. Laura Spiller: Um, so you can be able to kind of say that, yeah, we want it, and, but we're both feeling a lot better 'cause we, you know, we, we understand now what the other person was wanting and we're, we're figuring out a way to work it out so that we can, you know, we can find a way to agree on this.
[00:17:20] Leah Clionsky: I love that. So simple. Yeah. If you were talking to a, a teenager, how would you change it up a little bit for them?
[00:17:30] Dr. Laura Spiller: Yeah, with teenagers, I think it is esp. I mean, they can come with a lot of questions and be really curious and that can be a really powerful learning experience for us to kind of hear their reflections on our behavior. Um, um, and it's also really important to let them know this is. A mom and dad thing and really not your problem to solve.
[00:17:53] Dr. Laura Spiller: Um, but I would probably, you know, start out in a similar way, like, wow, you know. I know that that was a really uncomfortable fight that your dad and I had yesterday, and um, I'll bet that that was hard for you to overhear that and to be there when we were disagreeing like that. Um, but I want you to know that it actually was a really good thing that we had this discussion and I'm, you know, I'm sorry it got so heated, but, you know, it was really important to us and we were really seeing it differently.
[00:18:21] Dr. Laura Spiller: We were coming from different places, you know, we obviously, you know, we didn't agree on how to do it. Um. And we are trying to, you know, make sure that we have those discussions in a respectful way. You know, we did lose our cool, you know, and I'm, and I know that didn't feel good for you. It didn't feel good for me either. Um, but we are working it out. We are talking about it, and we're figuring out how to make sure that we have those conversations, kind of, um, in a, in a better way with maybe more listening next time. Um.
[00:18:52] Leah Clionsky: What I'm noticing about how you're framing it is you're not giving them all the details about like the different parts of the conflict that don't apply to them. Like you're giving them the general scoop, like, we had a disagreement, we resolved it. This is how it went. But you're not bringing up like. You know, like the things they don't need to know, right?
[00:19:11] Leah Clionsky: Those, maybe those intimate details that are just too much for your kids. They don't need to know like, well, your, you know, your father's also done these things. Your mother's also done these things, or you're just like right to the point, this is what our conflict was about. We had differences of opinions.
[00:19:26] Leah Clionsky: This is how we've handled this. And so there's boundaries. Even though you're being open about the resolution, you're not giving them more than they can handle in the argument.
[00:19:35] Dr. Laura Spiller: Yeah. And I think it really is important with teenagers to draw the line between like, this is an adult thing and the details of this. You know, are ours, but you also wanna help them understand the process enough, you know, that they can come talk to you about, you know, about the fight, that they feel like you're open to talk about the process.
[00:19:54] Dr. Laura Spiller: You're open to talk about how it was for them, uh, for those sorts of things. I,
[00:19:59] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. After that, you talk about it, then that's that third part where you're listening to how they feel. You're letting them just process their own emotions after the fact.
[00:20:08] Dr. Laura Spiller: Yeah. Yes. And so, yeah, with the little one, you know, wanting to say. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I bet that that was, you know, probably felt pretty bad for you. I bet you didn't like it, you know, how did it feel? Um, and you know, I like your suggestion when we were talking about this, that we, you can have even give them, you know, I can, um, suggestions about like, I bet maybe you felt angry too, or that you felt scared, uh, or maybe you felt sad.
[00:20:35] Dr. Laura Spiller: I can remember being, you know, there when my parents were fighting and out, and I felt scared
[00:20:39] Leah Clionsky: Mm-hmm.
[00:20:40] Dr. Laura Spiller: when that would happen. I didn't, sometimes, I didn't know what was gonna happen next,
[00:20:45] Leah Clionsky: Yeah.
[00:20:46] Dr. Laura Spiller: if everything was gonna be okay and did you feel that way? Um, and, and make some space for that. Right. And you don't have to, you don't have to defend, you know, I was just thinking about one of the big hooks as parents is that we hate to be seen in a bad way by our kids and we can be lured into defending ourselves.
[00:21:03] Dr. Laura Spiller: Um. But we really wanna lean into validation. Like it makes sense that you would feel scared. Um, I know. I have felt that way too.
[00:21:14] Leah Clionsky: Yeah,
[00:21:15] Dr. Laura Spiller: Sometimes. Yeah. Arguments and disagreements are scary.
[00:21:19] Leah Clionsky: Okay. It's like you have to put yourself in the back burner for a minute. I think part of that maybe is that self-compassion where you're like, it's okay that we had a disagreement and now I am okay enough about it where I can be there for your feelings without trying to jump in and say, no, no, no. I wasn't really yelling.
[00:21:35] Leah Clionsky: No, no. I didn't really escalate the situation because they're
[00:21:40] Dr. Laura Spiller: Or I, I was justified, you know?
[00:21:42] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. Right. Being right is so important sometimes to us. Yeah.
[00:21:48] Dr. Laura Spiller: Um, but that's really the, the hook that can get us drawn into giving them more details or, you know, pulling them into the conflict in a way that we don't wanna do. Um, we, you know, yeah. We don't need their understanding,
[00:22:03] Leah Clionsky: Right,
[00:22:04] Dr. Laura Spiller: you know, for our dilemmas that came up in that argument.
[00:22:07] Dr. Laura Spiller: We wanna help them Yeah. With their feelings.
[00:22:11] Leah Clionsky: Yeah, I love these steps. So you have the conversation when you are calm enough to have it. You explain in age appropriate ways the general way that the conflict was resolved, and you acknowledge that it existed in the first place. Then you give them space to process their feelings without jumping in and defending anybody with just listening to their feelings.
[00:22:33] Leah Clionsky: And then you're able to really help them understand how conflict happens and also help them feel that they understand the world better, which is part of what we're trying to do as parents and helping our children thrive. Yeah. Well, Dr. Spiller, I am so glad. That you came on and talked about this. This is going to be so helpful.
[00:22:52] Leah Clionsky: It was helpful for me. I know it's going to be helpful for our listeners today. What is the best way for people to get in contact with you and your practice? If they're running into a lot of conflicts and they need some individual help with this,
[00:23:06] Dr. Laura Spiller: my practice is Heights Couples Therapy. Um, we're in the heights area of Houston and it's heights couples therapy.com.
[00:23:13] Leah Clionsky: great. And all of. And the contact information will be in the show notes. We refer to Dr. Spiller and her colleagues all the time. They help so many of our families. So thank you so much. Thank you for being
[00:23:24] Dr. Laura Spiller: Thank you.
[00:23:26] Leah Clionsky: Oh, it's my pleasure. And thank you to my audience. I will look forward to talking to you next time.
[00:23:30] Leah Clionsky: Have a wonderful day.