Why YOU Should Talk to Your Kids About Sex: PART 1 of Advice on Parenting and Age Appropriate Sex Talk With Melissa Goldberg Mintz
Why YOU Should Talk to Your Kids About Sex: Advice on Parenting and Age Appropriate Sex Talk With Melissa Goldberg Mintz
Talking to your kids about sex is one of the parenting topics many people hope they can avoid. But eventually, almost every parent asks the same question: Do I really have to have this conversation?
In this episode, I sit down with psychologist Melissa Goldberg Mintz to talk about why parents need to talk to your kids about sex and why sexual education for kids is an essential part of healthy development. Melissa is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, and assistant clinical professor at Baylor College of Medicine who has helped many families navigate difficult conversations with children. Together, we explore why an age-appropriate sex talk is such important advice on parenting, and how these conversations can strengthen your relationship with your child while also helping keep them safe.
Why Parents Avoid the Sex Talk
Many parents feel deeply uncomfortable when they think about having an age appropriate sex talk with their children.
Sometimes this discomfort comes from how our own parents handled the topic. Many adults remember their parents approaching the conversation with embarrassment, awkwardness, or even shame. When that’s what we learned growing up, it can make it harder to imagine confidently providing sexual education for kids ourselves.
Other parents worry they will say the wrong thing. They fear that if they talk to your kids about sex too early, they might encourage curiosity or lead children toward behaviors they are not ready for.
But the reality is that children will learn about sex somewhere. The real question is whether that information will come from parents, peers, or the internet.
Why Parents Should Talk to Their Kids About Sex
One of the most important pieces of advice on parenting we can offer is this: when parents choose to talk to your kids openly about sex, they become a trusted source of information.
That trust matters.
When children know their parents are willing to discuss difficult topics honestly, they are more likely to come back later with questions or concerns. An age-appropriate sex talk does not just provide information in the moment. It creates a foundation for communication that can last throughout adolescence and even into adulthood.
Providing sexual education for kids also helps normalize conversations about bodies, boundaries, and relationships. When children grow up knowing these topics can be discussed openly, they are better equipped to understand their own boundaries and communicate them clearly.
Why Open Conversations Help Protect Kids
Another reason parents should talk to your kids about sex is safety.
When children learn that topics related to their bodies and relationships are not taboo, they are more likely to speak up if something makes them uncomfortable. An age-appropriate sex talk can help children understand consent, personal boundaries, and what is appropriate behavior.
This kind of sexual education for kids can play an important role in protecting children from unsafe situations. When kids know they can bring uncomfortable experiences to a trusted adult, they are less likely to carry those experiences alone.
This is one of the most powerful reasons many experts include these conversations in their advice on parenting.
Kids Will Learn About Sex Somewhere
Even if parents avoid the topic, children are likely to encounter information about sex from many other sources.
Friends on the playground, older siblings, social media, search engines, and even voice assistants can provide answers—sometimes wildly inaccurate ones.
Without guidance from parents, kids may absorb misinformation or develop confusing or unhealthy beliefs. By choosing to talk to your kids early and honestly, parents can ensure their children receive accurate sexual education for kids instead of unreliable information.
An age-appropriate sex talk allows parents to shape the conversation in ways that match their family’s values and developmental expectations.
These Conversations Don’t Happen All at Once
Many parents imagine that providing sexual education for kids means delivering one big, awkward conversation.
In reality, an age-appropriate sex talk usually happens across many small conversations over time. As children grow, parents can adjust how they talk to your kids about bodies, relationships, and boundaries in ways that match their developmental stage.
This gradual approach is often the most helpful advice on parenting because it reduces pressure and allows kids to ask questions as they arise.
Final Thoughts
Talking about sex with your child may feel uncomfortable, but it is one of the most important ways to build trust, safety, and open communication.
When parents choose to talk to your kids, they create opportunities for honest conversations that help children feel informed and supported. An age-appropriate sex talk and thoughtful sexual education for kids are powerful tools for helping children grow into confident and healthy adults.
And if it feels awkward at first, that’s okay. Many of the most meaningful parts of parenting involve doing uncomfortable things because they matter.
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
Has Your Child Been Traumatized? How to Know and What to Do to Promote Healing and Recovery
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CONNECT WITH MELISSA GOLDBERG MINTZ:
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[00:00:00] Leah Clionsky: Welcome to the Educated Parent Podcast. I am your host, Dr. Leah Clionski, and today I have an amazing guest and I'm so excited about our topic. But before we jump in, I want to give us a disclaimer. So this is a more adult topic, referencing the birds and the bees. So if you do not want your children to listen to this while you're driving in the carpool line.
[00:00:26] Leah Clionsky: Pause us, come back later when you have your headphones in or your AirPods in, and that's a good time to listen to this episode. So I just wanted to give you that warning before we jump in. So I am extremely excited about our topic today because it's a question parents ask me all the time. This is the question, do I have to talk to my kids about sex?
[00:00:51] Leah Clionsky: Do I have to do it? And so, it's something that we're all gonna have to face. So I brought on an amazing expert. I brought on Dr. Melissa Goldberg Mintz. She's a licensed clinical psychologist, award-winning author, and the mother of two living in Houston, Texas. She owns her own practice
[00:01:13] Leah Clionsky: secure based psychology. And teaches at Baylor College of Medicine as an assistant clinical professor. Her area of expertise is in helping support parents with traumatized children. She also worked at the Harris Center for many years explaining this topic to parents on a regular basis. So I'm so glad that you're here, Melissa.
[00:01:35] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to talk about this important topic.
[00:01:40] Leah Clionsky: I love how we're excited to talk about it, but talking to children about sex is the topic parents want to avoid the most. Don't you feel like that's true?
[00:01:49] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I think the majority of parents feel super uncomfortable and just wanna avoid it.
[00:01:55] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. Do you get asked this question a lot? Do I have to tell them? Does it have to be me?
[00:02:00] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Yes. And then I also get, will you do it for me?
[00:02:05] Leah Clionsky: I feel like when people ask us that question like, do I have to do this? They're really hoping that we're gonna say, no, you don't have to have this conversation. But they kind of know that we're almost certainly going to say that they do spoil alert. We are going to say that you do.
[00:02:20] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Yes, strongly so.
[00:02:23] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. I know you're an educated parent.
[00:02:25] Leah Clionsky: Have you had these kinds of conversations with your own children?
[00:02:31] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: I have, uh, with both of my children. And both conversations started with them asking me about where babies come from. And felt very strongly that, if they're asking, they deserve an age appropriate, honest answer. So, yes, I have had the conversation and more than one conversation with my kids about it.
[00:02:50] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: What about you?
[00:02:51] Leah Clionsky: Oh, I've definitely had some conversations with my my older child. My younger child has asked me zero questions, so I've been able to escape until now. But like I agree. Similarly, I think adults should be honest with children in age appropriate ways. And I've also, like you have had experience talking to children about sex before, so I think you and I are less terrified.
[00:03:17] Leah Clionsky: Why do you think most parents are so terrified of this conversation and hoping that they never have to have it?
[00:03:25] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Gosh I've got so many different ideas about this. It's a great question. Hearing from friends, from clients, from things like that. Thinking back to when your parents told you about sex, most people's parents are actually quite uncomfortable when they talk about it. You know, I've heard people say, oh gosh, I've gotta tell you about this, who you know, or like.
[00:03:49] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: This is a tough one. Don't tell any of your friends about this. Don't talk about this. It's just a tough topic to talk about is what gets modeled to us by our parents. And so that I think can just pass down the generations. I think other parents in their minds wanna preserve their child's innocence and think that talking about this might take away from.
[00:04:09] Leah Clionsky: So you think that there's like this, almost like this shame that's passed down from parent to child. Like this is a topic that is a scary bad one. It's an uncomfortable one that I don't want to broach with you, but I feel now like I have to. And then we kind of internalize that like, oh no, someday I will have to have this conversation too.
[00:04:32] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. It's in the media actually. Like how many convers, how many times do you watch this go down in the, like in television shows?
[00:04:41] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: All the time. All the time. That was actually how I learned about sex from my parents was when I was young, uh, there was an episode of the Rugrats and at the end of the episode they asked, where do babies come from? And someone got the answer, go ask your parents. So even in kids shows
[00:05:01] Leah Clionsky: Oh, so then you did, and they were like, great.
[00:05:04] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Yeah. Uhhuh.
[00:05:07] Leah Clionsky: I always find that like. Parents are afraid that they're gonna explain it wrong, that they're gonna say the wrong thing, and that they're either somehow going to encourage their children by talking about sex, to engage in sex very early, or that they are going to. Say something that will make them really afraid of sex, that like the entire topic, even though they have personal experience with it in their own lives, that like it's very dangerous and they might do something wrong in the discussion.
[00:05:38] Leah Clionsky: And so they, they almost feel like it's a topic they're not qualified to discuss with children. I don't know if you run into this too.
[00:05:45] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Sure, definitely. And I think one part of what you said. At the beginning about how that might lead their children to like, have earlier initiation of sexual behaviors or something like that. That is a common thing that I hear. So there's this idea that, oh, if, if I just shield my child from learning about sex, then they're not going to learn or act on anything.
[00:06:08] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: But the reality is if your kid has access to the internet, if your kid's got same age peers, you're not gonna be shielding them from learning about it. You're just. Choosing that they're not gonna be learning about it from you.
[00:06:19] Leah Clionsky: I also, I don't think that there's any support for the idea that kids understanding sex earlier, like it makes them more prone to engaging in sexual activity earlier. Do you know if there, are you familiar, do you know if there's any statistics or research around that?
[00:06:35] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: I'm not familiar with any research that would point to that at all.
[00:06:40] Leah Clionsky: yeah. I think that's just a fear parents have. It's like if we. Speak the thing, then the thing will happen. We can avoid the topic. I'm probably gonna do it wrong, so I'm not interested in having this discussion.
[00:06:51] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Sure. Yeah, that sounds right.
[00:06:54] Leah Clionsky: Another thing I've observed, and I don't know if you've run into this too, is this idea, this like. Gender conversation where we're like, the mom will talk to her daughter and the dad will talk to his son, but the mom can't talk to her son and the dad can't talk to his daughter and like, and then people get like really rigid.
[00:07:12] Leah Clionsky: And then if there's their partner, if they're in a heterosexual relationship and their partner won't have the discussion, then there's all that pressure there. Have you seen this come down as well?
[00:07:23] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: I have seen it come down and I think it's a little bit problematic. I think we want kids to feel like their parents can be resources, and that's either parent, mom, or dad, or like if they're living with somebody else, if they're living with grandma, that they can come to grandma with a question or anybody.
[00:07:41] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: So I think that, yeah, I think that I have seen it and I would say it's a little problematic.
[00:07:47] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. It's like anything that has to be a secret becomes scary. Right. Anything that is secret is shameful.
[00:07:56] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Yes. Yes.
[00:07:57] Leah Clionsky: Yeah.
[00:07:58] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: And I think it makes it hard to talk about which is not just problematic for the parent child relationship and learning about sex, but when we think about, when your child grows up and wants to start having sex, we want there to be sexual assertiveness because without assertiveness and being able to talk about what you want, what you don't want, what you're comfortable with, and what you're not comfortable with if you're not able to talk about that, that leaves you really vulnerable.
[00:08:25] Leah Clionsky: Yeah, and not talking about it can actually create a safety issue for kids and also for adults who should be able to express their own needs. In ways that are safe for them so they don't accidentally end up going along with things that are not within their comfort zone and then actually end up making them uncomfortable.
[00:08:44] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Right.
[00:08:45] Leah Clionsky: Yeah, I think that's such a valid point. I hadn't thought about that adult perspective, but yeah, like this idea that it's a topic that you have thought about for yourself so that you can get your own needs met and not have to just bend to somebody with more knowledge base than you, that's a really important thing for everybody.
[00:09:03] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: More knowledge or more confidence or more strength behind what they wanna do. We want people to know their bodies, know what they like, and know what they don't like, and know how to voice that.
[00:09:14] Leah Clionsky: Yeah, absolutely. It's such an important skill to, if you don't know what you want, you can't ask for it. If you don't know what you don't want, you can't say no to it. And so I think that is a really compelling argument. All right, so now we're going to change gears and jump into the strategies. So what are the three things that are good reasons why parents should have these conversations?
[00:09:42] Leah Clionsky: These really tough conversations. By the way, we're not gonna tell you how to have the conversation in this episode. We will in another episode, but we're gonna tell you why we think that this information should come from you.
[00:09:54] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Sure. So my, the three take home messages I'd love to send about this topic are one that it's great to talk about this with your kids because it normalizes talking about hard things, but it also normalizes just talking about sex in general, that this is something we can talk about. And if there's something happening at any point in your life that you're uncomfortable with, even if it's not sexual, even if it's somebody hugging you and you don't want them to hug you, you can talk about that.
[00:10:22] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: You can talk about that with your parent and you can put words to it. So I think number one and normalizes talking about these behaviors, which is something that will be protective against sexual abuse or any uncomfortable touching.
[00:10:36] Leah Clionsky: I think that's such an important point that you're bringing up, that like you're kind of putting the parent as this like trusted authority figure who won't judge you. So like if you, the parent are the one who's answering these questions, where you're communicating really is. I am the person who can talk about tough things with you no matter what that is, and I can give you accurate information.
[00:11:02] Leah Clionsky: So I'm a resource. So even if it's unrelated to sex, if something goes on with a friend and you need to talk to me, I'm clearly able to talk to you about any topic that exists. And also, if something happens and someone has an uncomfortable sexual experience. They can come back and talk to you about it later because you brought up the topic at the beginning.
[00:11:25] Leah Clionsky: Yeah.
[00:11:25] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Right. Absolutely. And that's not just in childhood, by the way. That's also into college. Where we know rates of uncomfortable sexual experiences are very high, but if we establish that early in childhood that, hey, you can talk to me about sex, like that's normal then you are, you go on to be a safe person for your child to talk to for the rest of their lives.
[00:11:49] Leah Clionsky: When I was in college, and I'm sure the stats have changed, I don't know how well they're being tracked, but it was one in four students was a victim of sexual assault. Being able to like talk about uncomfortable sexual experiences at any age with a trusted parent because they've set you up early to know that they can and will have those conversations with you.
[00:12:12] Leah Clionsky: You're right, it kind of gives you a safe place to land. So if you have the conversations with your child directly, you bring up the topic, you answer the questions, then you're like setting up like this foundation for your relationship. That it's really important that you won't have, if you don't have that tough conversation right from the beginning.
[00:12:31] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Absolutely. And yeah, that goes right into the second point, this first one being more sex centric, but in general you want to be that resource for your child that whenever there is anything uncomfortable, you can come and talk to me about it. So that could be about drugs or alcohol. That could be about, any sort of question that.
[00:12:52] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Some kids or parents might think is taboo or this is something I've gotta keep underground. This is something I can't talk to mom or dad about even when I'm having a problem.
[00:13:01] Leah Clionsky: Yeah, that's when people really get into trouble. That's what you and I see working with teenagers and kids a lot, but especially teenagers where often they feel like this horrible thing has happened and you're like, if you talked to your parent about that, suddenly a lot of this pain would probably go away because they're not gonna be upset with you.
[00:13:22] Leah Clionsky: But there's that deep fear because that maybe that relationship part hasn't been established. In the very beginning, my parents are both clinical psychologists. I know I mentioned this to you, Melissa, I think I've mentioned it once before on the podcast, but that meant that they were actually very good at having these discussions with us when we were growing up and throughout my life.
[00:13:43] Leah Clionsky: I actually always felt like I could go back to them. Not that it's fun to discuss sex with your dad, but like I knew that if I needed to, I could, for example, have that conversation and that's a relief right there.
[00:13:56] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Absolutely. Absolutely. I think when we hold things in, it takes a lot of our energy, effort, and concentration. But when we can sort of let it out and share it with people, we feel less alone. And we feel more comforted. So I love that for you.
[00:14:13] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. No, it was great. I mean, as great as, again, as much as you wanna have that conversation with your
[00:14:18] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Right, right. It's still, yeah, of course. Yes. It is inevitably awkward and there are things that kids, as they age and start having sexual relationships will not want to share with their parents. And as long as everything's going great for them, like they don't need to, some things can stay private.
[00:14:34] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: It's if you need to, if you have a question, if you have a problem, there's someone there who can.
[00:14:39] Leah Clionsky: It's like the signaling of acceptance. I'm giving you this information. You can come back to me. I'm safe. And just knowing someone's safe, you don't necessarily need the resource, but the knowledge that you'll be accepted and safe is really good for a strong parent-child relationship that takes you from early childhood into, into like your whole lifelong relationship, even into adulthood.
[00:15:03] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Yes. Couldn't agree more.
[00:15:05] Leah Clionsky: Okay. Okay, so what else? What is another good reason why
[00:15:09] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: so our last one and our last one is like, I have seen plenty of evidence of, so, if you don't talk to your kids about sex, they will get the information elsewhere. Like I said, if they've got access to the internet or a friend on the playground at recess time, they're gonna find out about it.
[00:15:26] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: And who knows what they're gonna find out. I mean, I have had kids that I've seen. Who, I think I've actually heard this one multiple times, uh, that if you drink bleach after you have sex, you won't get pregnant. And that is just like straight up horrifying. That is the kind of information that if you had an open relationship with your kid, they could say, Hey, I heard this crazy thing.
[00:15:49] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Is that true? And you could be like, no, let's talk about that. But if you don't have the kind of relationship where you can talk about that with your kid, they may go on believing something, whether it's that or something along the lines of that. It's actually quite dangerous.
[00:16:06] Leah Clionsky: I mean, in your child, you don't even need access to the internet if you have like Alexa or Siri, right? You can have your five-year-old saying, Alexa, where do babies come from? I dunno what Alexa says if you ask that question. But like the information is just so easily acceptable. And then actually they could get information that's upsetting.
[00:16:26] Leah Clionsky: I'm not sure what they could find, but maybe they find a really inappropriate video with very, very little effort. Maybe they learn something really scary with very little effort. Maybe they end up somehow having a conversation with an unsafe person. So if, like, if a kid is curious enough. And you don't answer their question and then they look it up themselves, then you're then like doing cleanup instead of providing an age appropriate answer.
[00:16:56] Leah Clionsky: And I think that maybe something we should clarify is we're talking about why you should have these conversations at different developmental levels, even with young children, that of course you are gonna change what you say and how you talk about it. But this isn't a, like your child must be. On the brink of leaving for college, and you're like, okay, it's the, now is the time we're talking about like why you should be having these conversations throughout their childhood in different ways that are appropriate for them and also consistent with your values as a family across the time.
[00:17:29] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Yes.
[00:17:30] Leah Clionsky: it's a big topic. This, this conversation, just hearing us discuss it might be making you uncomfortable and that's okay. We can all be uncomfortable. We can all do hard things. A lot of parenting is being uncomfortable and then doing uncomfortable things anyway.
[00:17:44] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: yes. We can do awkward things.
[00:17:47] Leah Clionsky: We can, we're not as afraid of being awkward as our kids are.
[00:17:50] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Right.
[00:17:52] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. They're the most afraid of awkwardness. Yeah. So our reasons again are that first of all, when you have these conversations about sex, then they know that you know about that, and you're comfortable having them. The second reason is then you become a safe person for all difficult topics. And the third reason is that that way you send them the right information and they don't find it extremely easily through ai, internet, Alexa, or their front on the playground.
[00:18:25] Leah Clionsky: So hopefully at this point we have you very convinced that you should have this conversation. And in a later episode we'll tell you how to have this conversation. Because you might be like, okay, I'm ready. And then you're like, now what do I do? So tune back in when we have that conversation. Yeah. Melissa, I am so glad that you joined me here today on Educated Parent.
[00:18:49] Leah Clionsky: Where can families find you?
[00:18:52] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Sure. And thank you so much for having me for such an important discussion. So I am on Instagram at Melissa Goldberg Mintz. My website is www.melissagoldbergmintz.com. And I've got an office in the Rice Village area of Houston.
[00:19:11] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. And what is the name of your book? Your, I know you're writing your second.
[00:19:15] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Yes, yes. So my book is called Has Your Child Been Traumatized? How to Know and What to Do to Prevent, uh, to help with Healing and Recovery.
[00:19:26] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. It's a really important book and you did such a beautiful job writing it, and we'll make sure that there are links to your website, your Instagram, and ways of purchasing the book in the show notes.
[00:19:38] Melissa Goldberg Mintz: Wonderful. Thank you again so much for having me.
[00:19:41] Leah Clionsky: Oh, it is my pleasure and I hope you all have a wonderful day and we'll talk to you next week on Educated Parent.