Why Kids Push Your Buttons (And Why Yelling Makes It Worse)
Why Your Kids Push Your Buttons (And What to Do Instead)
If you’ve ever felt like your child knows exactly how to get a reaction out of you, you’re not wrong.
When kids engage in attention-seeking behavior in children, it can feel incredibly intentional. They say the one word you don’t like. They make the noise that drives you crazy. They look right at you while doing it.
And in those moments, it can feel personal.
But what’s actually happening is much more predictable and much more manageable with the right approach rooted in confident parenting.
Why Attention-Seeking Behavior Is Actually Normal
Let’s start here: attention-seeking behavior in children is not a sign that something is wrong.
It’s a sign that something is working.
All children have a deep need for connection. They are wired to seek positive attention from their caregivers because that attention equals safety, connection, and security.
But here’s the key: if they can’t get positive attention, they will settle for strong attention.
That’s why attention-seeking behavior in children often shows up in ways that feel annoying or disruptive.
Because even negative reactions still meet the need.
Why Your Child Is Testing You
When you see child testing boundaries, it’s easy to assume your child is being defiant.
But often, child testing boundaries is about two things:
Trying to get a strong reaction
Figuring out what will and won’t work
Kids are incredibly observant. They know what pushes your buttons. And when they engage in child testing boundaries, they are essentially running experiments.
“If I do this… what happens?”
Understanding this shifts you into confident parenting, because now you’re not reacting emotionally, you’re responding strategically.
Why Your Reaction Matters So Much
Here’s the part that can be hard to hear.
When we react strongly, we often reinforce attention-seeking behavior in children.
Even if the reaction is frustration, correction, or yelling, it still gives the child what they were looking for: your attention.
This is why confident parenting focuses not just on what you say, but when and how you give attention.
Because attention is powerful.
The Strategy That Actually Works
If a behavior is happening to get attention, the goal is simple:
Stop giving attention to that behavior, and redirect positive attention somewhere else.
That means:
Not reacting to the specific behavior meant to provoke you
Staying neutral in the moment
Waiting for a different behavior to reinforce
This is one of the most effective ways to reduce attention-seeking behavior in children.
But there’s a catch.
Why It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better
When you stop reacting, your child will often intensify the behavior.
This is especially true with child testing boundaries.
They’ll try harder. Louder. Longer.
This doesn’t mean it’s not working.
It means it is.
Your child is testing whether the old strategy still works. And this is where confident parenting really matters, because consistency is what makes the shift stick.
The Power of Positive Attention
Once the behavior stops, or even pauses, you immediately give positive attention to something else.
It doesn’t have to be perfect behavior.
It just has to be different.
That’s how your child learns:
“This is what gets my parents’ attention.”
When you consistently give positive attention to the behaviors you want and reduce attention to the ones you don’t, attention-seeking behavior in children naturally decreases.
When It’s About More Than Behavior
If you’re seeing constant child testing boundaries, it’s also worth asking:
Is my child getting enough positive attention in general?
Sometimes, increased attention-seeking behavior in children is a sign that your child needs more connection, not more correction.
And this is where confident parenting really shines.
Because instead of reacting to the behavior, you’re addressing the need underneath it.
Final Thoughts
If your child is constantly engaging in attention-seeking behavior in children or child testing boundaries, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
It means your child is doing exactly what kids are wired to do.
The shift is in how you respond.
With confident parenting, consistent boundaries, and intentional use of positive attention, you can reduce the behaviors that push your buttons and strengthen your relationship at the same time.
And that’s the goal.
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[00:00:00] Leah Clionsky: Does your child ever do something intentionally just to push your buttons just to see how you're going to react to it? Maybe they use the word stupid when they know that it's against the rules. Maybe they make a really annoying sound to see how long it will take for you to get frustrated and snap at them.
[00:00:24] Leah Clionsky: You know, maybe they're gist. Experimenting and the entire purpose is to see what you will react to. I'm Dr. Leah Clionsky, the host of the Educated Parent Podcast, and knowing what to do in those situations is what we're going to be talking about today. So this is just one of our chat. This is just one of our chats.
[00:00:49] Leah Clionsky: There's no guest on today. But one thing I run into all of the time, um, when I work with parents and sometimes as a parent myself, is not knowing what to do when kids are engaging in what I would call attention seeking behavior. So I just used a term that is immediately gonna scare half of this audience.
[00:01:11] Leah Clionsky: So let me clarify. All people have a deep need to be seen. Heard and connected with that is just how human nature is, and our children in particular would like to get our very strong attention because attention from your parents, if you think about it, is the thing that's going to help you survive. You don't wanna be ignored and forgotten.
[00:01:40] Leah Clionsky: You want to get that intense focus from your caregivers. It's normal, it's healthy, and our kids want and need it very strongly. The thing is, is that sometimes, if. They're not getting that strong attention from us. They will do things in order to pull strong attention. Have you ever noticed that your kids are the most needy whenever you are really trying to text something, uh, to someone that's very serious or right when you're taking that work phone call, suddenly your kids are mom, mom, mom, mom, mom.
[00:02:19] Leah Clionsky: It's because they can feel that your attention is diverted to something other than them. And in that moment, your kids don't care if your strong attention is yelling at them. They just want to get a strong reaction. So that's one of the other surprising things about attention as the kids on some level, like everyone would prefer positive attention, but what kids really react to is strong.
[00:02:48] Leah Clionsky: Attention. They want strong, strong attention, so screaming at them. Is going to be actually something that on some level they might want, if they're not getting attention another way at that moment. So when you say to them, I am texting your aunt about something very important, leave me alone. They're like, huh?
[00:03:09] Leah Clionsky: That need got met. They got your strong attention. So when I say attention seeking behavior, I mean a, a behavior where the goal is to get that attention from you. Kids do plenty of things that are not about attention as well. Like, um, you can, kids might be humming not to annoy you, but because it feels good to hum or it's fun for them.
[00:03:31] Leah Clionsky: But there are lots of reasons why people do things. But a lot of behaviors that kids do around parents are to get, are strong. Attention, so that's why I'm using that term. And a lot of the reasons that kids annoy us on purpose is to get our strong attention and also to see where the boundaries are. And that can be really hard because our kids are experts in us.
[00:03:57] Leah Clionsky: They are experts in knowing. What is going to push all each of our buttons? They've been studying us for years so they know exactly what to do to elicit a strong reaction. By the way, siblings are also great at this. I guarantee you that my younger brother to this day could do something that would make me go from zero to a hundred in 30 seconds, right?
[00:04:20] Leah Clionsky: Like he knows me and what annoys me and your kids know you and what annoys you and what is likely to get a strong reaction. So what do we do when our kids do something and they want a strong reaction for it? Well, if you want that behavior to stop, you have to take your attention away from that behavior.
[00:04:45] Leah Clionsky: So let's say that your cooking dinner and your child walks up to you and you may say, Hey, that's really stupid, knowing that that is not a word you like in the house. If you say to them, we don't use that word, that is a not okay word, your child might then escalate, have you ever seen this? It's like the minute you correct something that a behavior actually gets worse, you are like, we don't say stupid.
[00:05:10] Leah Clionsky: And they say stupid, stupid, stupid. Louder and louder. Just trying to get you to react. And pretty soon you're yelling at them, right? Because they knew it was gonna irritate you in the first place. It wasn't a mistake, it wasn't something made. Like knew, like were surprised that they were getting corrected on.
[00:05:29] Leah Clionsky: It was something they were doing intentionally to get you to respond, and that might be because you were doing something else and they missed you and they wanted to connect with you even in this negative kind of a way. So the. Let me tell you what to do when that happens and it's gonna be hard. Okay?
[00:05:48] Leah Clionsky: Honestly, this is probably one of the strategies that I know cognitively works and have the hardest time implementing as a parent, probably because my kids are really good at pushing my buttons when they want to, and also it's just hard not to correct. So if your child comes up to you and they do something that you know is intended to get a strong reaction.
[00:06:12] Leah Clionsky: The first thing you're gonna do is you are going to ignore that behavior. Now, I'm not saying you're going to ignore your child, you're going to not react to that thing that they're doing. So if they walk up to you and say, mom, that's really stupid. You're not gonna respond to the stupid part. You'll be like, oh, hey, it's nice to see you, and you didn't react to it.
[00:06:40] Leah Clionsky: Do you see that? So sometimes when we tell parents to ignore a behavior, social media will tell you that if you ignore a behavior, you're like socially isolating your child and giving them the silent treatment, and now they will be scarred and have deep attachment wounds. Do not worry, not remarking on someone's behavior.
[00:06:59] Leah Clionsky: Is not going to lead to those kinds of negative outcomes. And honestly, I mean, if, if I mess up, sometimes I kind of want people to ignore it so that, um, it's like, all right, let's all pretend that didn't happen and move on. Right? So the first thing you're gonna do is you're going to ignore the comment.
[00:07:17] Leah Clionsky: The second thing that you're going to do is to predict that it will get worse before it gets better and continue ignoring. So if you normally respond to something and you don't this time. Your child will get worse before they get better. So if your child says, that's really stupid, and you don't say anything in response to that, they'll be like, did you hear me?
[00:07:42] Leah Clionsky: It's stupid. It's stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. This is called an extinction burst, so this is a well-known behavioral principle. What this means is, is that your child will do the thing that gets the attention more and more and more and more and more and more and more, and more and more to see if you will react at a higher.
[00:08:04] Leah Clionsky: Level, do you hear me? So if it's about you and it's about your attention, and it always works, they're just gonna intensify. And that's actually a good thing if you know that that will happen. 'cause then you think, oh wow, my ignoring this behavior, my non-responsiveness to this annoying behavior that my child is doing to get my attention.
[00:08:27] Leah Clionsky: It's not working. And so they're responding in this way and think about it, right? This is what we do too, right? Like if you, um, always do the same thing about, oh gosh, I'm trying to think of a good example on the fly. Like if you were. When you're making coffee, if you always push the button and the espresso comes out of the machine and you push the button and the espresso doesn't come outta the machine because it's broken, you're gonna push that button like 15 times, right?
[00:08:58] Leah Clionsky: You're gonna be like, why isn't it working? What about now? Why isn't it working? Like you're going to do it more until you realize that it's broken and there's no espresso coming outta that machine. Then you're gonna be under caffeinated, but you're gonna stop and move on to another source. So our kids are the exact same way.
[00:09:15] Leah Clionsky: They're going to do the thing that used to work until they can see that it doesn't. So the first thing you're gonna do is ignore that behavior. And the second thing you're gonna do is talk yourself down and keep ignoring the behavior. 'cause if your child escalates and escalates and escalates and then you say, we don't say stupid, they won.
[00:09:35] Leah Clionsky: And also. Now, that's what they're gonna do next time. So you have to commit to it. So you just keep on cooking. At a certain point, maybe I put in AirPods and start listening to someone else, start having a conversation with a different kid, pick a conversation about something else with that child. Like I am doing everything except for I am now deaf to the word stupid.
[00:09:59] Leah Clionsky: Now the third thing you're gonna do is when they eventually stop, because no one can yell stupid forever. And they say anything else. You say, oh, thanks for telling me about that. So you praise something else that is different than the thing they were doing. You give positive attention for a different behavior.
[00:10:18] Leah Clionsky: 'cause they wanted your positive attention all along. They wanted your strong attention all along, and they were just going about it in a way that you don't like. So that part's easy. Then you can just, if you can again, remind yourself this is normal childhood behavior. Kids like to see what will get a big reaction.
[00:10:37] Leah Clionsky: And now they've realized that this is not something that I react to and now I'm gonna give a lot of attention for literally anything else that's going on. It doesn't have to be fantastic. It's just not saying the word stupid. So, do you see how this is not gonna traumatize any kid in the world, right?
[00:10:53] Leah Clionsky: We're not like ignoring their existence or punishing them for trying something out, trying out a little experiment, pushing that button over and over to see if the espresso comes out, and then learning that it doesn't, right? This is just us setting some limits. Basically teaching our kids like what will get a lot of reaction from us and the things that are just annoying, but are not gonna push our buttons that way.
[00:11:20] Leah Clionsky: And one thing to be aware of is if your child is constantly trying to get a negative reaction from you, I then you start to wonder, am I giving this child individual positive, intense attention? Regularly enough, like if either of my kids, they've never done this stupid thing, but if either of my kids are really like trying to get a reaction out of me in a way that they know, like I don't like.
[00:11:47] Leah Clionsky: Then I start thinking, have I been doing the things that I know work from parent child interaction therapy? Do I practice what I preach? Are they getting this special playtime on a regular basis? Have I been more distracted lately? Am I giving enough positive attention? And then I try to go back and do that because to me, that means that there's a need that's unmet, that I need to fill a different way.
[00:12:11] Leah Clionsky: I don't wanna reinforce that behavior that is just to get my attention that I don't like. I am gonna reinforce a lot of other things and build our relationship. Again, if your child can't help it and they're doing something that annoys you, then turning off your attention, it won't work because that's not the reason that they're doing it.
[00:12:30] Leah Clionsky: So it's not actually worth, um, ignoring that behavior. And then maybe you have to look into like, what's the deeper cause of what's going on here? But you, you know, like, you know when a child gives you that look, you know the look, and they're like, let me test you. And you're like, oh. Bring it on. So if this is hard for you, if you're running into lots of times where your child is testing you and you're feeling really lost, that might be a time where you consider whether a parent-child interaction therapy would be right for you.
[00:13:00] Leah Clionsky: We can absolutely teach you the skills for this, and we can coach you in the moment. We can help you bring up that positive interaction so that your child isn't pushing your buttons on purpose nearly as often, and then help you deal with it in those times where they're just really doing some limit testing with you and seeing how you're gonna handle those things.
[00:13:19] Leah Clionsky: At the same time showing your child that like unconditional love and support that you'll absolutely feel for them. So if you are running into that, definitely see our PCIT Expert Specialty Clinic. Um, you can find us in the show notes and we would be so happy to help you. I hope you have an amazing week.
[00:13:37] Leah Clionsky: I hope that the button pushing is very low for you and I will talk to you again next time.