What to Do When Your Kid Says, "I Hate You!"
What to Do When Your Kid Says, "I Hate You!"
There are few moments in parenting that sting as much as hearing your child look you in the eye and say, "I hate you."
It doesn't matter whether they're five years old or fifteen. Those words can cut deep. You may feel hurt, rejected, or even wonder if you've somehow damaged your relationship with your child.
If you've experienced this, you're not alone.
The good news is that when a child says I hate you, those words almost never mean what they sound like. More often than not, they're an expression of overwhelming emotion, not a true reflection of how your child feels about you.
Understanding what's happening beneath the surface can completely change how you respond. Instead of escalating the conflict, you can use the moment to strengthen your relationship while teaching your child healthier ways to express difficult emotions.
What Your Child Is Really Saying
When children become overwhelmed, they don't always have the words to explain what's happening inside.
They know they feel angry.
They know they're frustrated.
They know they didn't get what they wanted.
So they reach for the biggest, strongest words they can think of.
"I hate you."
It's their way of saying:
"I'm really angry."
"I don't like what you just did."
"I wish things were different."
"I don't know how to tell you how upset I am."
When a child says I hate you, they're often trying to communicate the intensity of their emotions, not the end of your relationship.
Why It Feels So Personal
As parents, we want our children to feel loved, safe, and connected.
So when they say they hate us, it feels like we've failed.
But here's something important to remember:
Children usually say these words after you've held a boundary.
Maybe you said:
"No, you can't have another ice cream."
"It's time to turn off your phone."
"You can't go to your friend's house tonight."
"Homework comes before video games."
In other words, they're often angry because you were parenting.
That doesn't mean you're doing something wrong.
In fact, it often means you're doing something right.
They're Also Asking a Hidden Question
There's another reason children sometimes say hurtful things.
They're testing the security of your relationship.
Think about all the questions children ask:
"Would you still love me if I got in trouble?"
"Would you still love me if I made a big mistake?"
"Would you still love me if I wasn't nice?"
When emotions are high, "I hate you" can become another version of that same question.
"Will you still love me even if I push you away?"
The answer your child needs is yes.
Not because their behavior is acceptable.
But because your love isn't dependent on perfect behavior.
The Biggest Mistake Parents Make
When emotions are running high, it's easy to react emotionally ourselves.
Some parents become deeply hurt.
Others become defensive.
They respond with things like:
"Well, I don't like you either."
"Fine. Then don't expect me to do anything for you."
"If you hate me so much, maybe you don't need all the things I do for you."
While these reactions are understandable, they usually make the conflict worse.
Instead of calming the situation, they create an even bigger disconnect.
The goal isn't to "win" the argument.
The goal is to teach your child how to communicate more effectively.
When your child says I hate you, try these three simple steps.
Step 1: Reflect the Emotion
Start by naming what you see.
Instead of focusing on the hurtful words, focus on the feeling underneath them.
You might say:
"You're really angry that I said no."
"I can tell you're really frustrated."
"You're upset because you didn't get what you wanted."
This helps your child feel understood without agreeing with disrespectful language.
It's one of the most effective tools for improving communication with children.
Step 2: Reassure the Relationship While Holding the Boundary
Next, remind your child that your relationship is secure.
You might say:
"I'll always love you."
Then calmly add:
"It's important that we speak respectfully to each other."
Notice what you're doing.
You're separating love from behavior.
You're communicating that your relationship is safe while still maintaining expectations for respectful communication.
Step 3: Give Them Better Words
Children can't use better language if they've never been taught what to say instead.
Offer them a script.
For example:
"You can say, 'I'm really angry with you.'"
Or:
"You can tell me you're frustrated."
Those statements communicate the same emotion without attacking the relationship.
Over time, this helps reduce child emotional outbursts because children build a larger emotional vocabulary.
What If They Keep Going?
Sometimes your child won't calm down right away.
They may repeat the hurtful words.
They may yell louder.
They may continue arguing.
At that point, it's okay to end the conversation.
You might say:
"I can see you're still very angry. We're going to take a break, and we'll talk again when we're both calm."
Walking away isn't giving up.
It's preventing the situation from becoming more hurtful for everyone involved.
Teaching Healthy Emotional Expression
One of the most important lessons we can teach our children is that all feelings are welcome.
Not all behaviors are.
Anger is okay.
Disappointment is okay.
Frustration is okay.
Disrespect isn't.
That distinction is at the heart of healthy communication with children.
Your child needs to know they can bring big emotions to you without fear.
At the same time, they also need guidance on expressing those emotions respectfully.
When This Happens Often
If your child says I hate you regularly, or your family experiences frequent conflict, it may be a sign that there's a larger communication challenge happening.
Repeated child emotional outbursts, constant arguments, or ongoing tension don't necessarily mean your relationship is broken.
They simply mean your family may need additional support and new strategies.
Sometimes an outside perspective can help families rebuild trust, improve communication, and reduce conflict much faster than trying to figure it out alone.
Final Thoughts
Every parent hears something hurtful at some point.
It's one of the hardest parts of raising children.
But the next time your child says I hate you, remember what they're most likely trying to say:
"I'm overwhelmed."
"I'm angry."
"I need help."
"I need to know you'll still love me."
Responding with empathy doesn't mean allowing disrespect.
It means seeing the emotion underneath the words, holding your boundary, and teaching your child a healthier way to communicate.
Over time, these small moments become opportunities to build trust, improve communication with children, reduce child emotional outbursts, and learn how to deal with an emotional child in ways that strengthen your relationship for years to come.
LET'S CONNECT:
Love having expert tips you can actually use? Join our newsletter and get a beautifully designed PDF of each episode’s top 3 takeaways—delivered straight to your inbox every week.
Are you a provider? Subscribe here for professional insights and parenting resources!
-
[00:00:00] Leah Clionsky: One of the most painful parts of parenting is when your child gets angry with you and says, "I hate you." It really, really hurts, and often we don't know how to respond to it. But it's a very common thing for kids to say when they are frustrated. So today I'm going to tell you about why our kids say that, why it r- it's really not as personal as it feels like it is, and some ways that we can respond without pouring gasoline on the fire, but also with setting some reasonable expectations about how we should be talked to.
[00:00:39] Leah Clionsky: I hope you find this to be helpful. So let's talk about why kids say, "I hate you," when they get really angry, because it really does sting and hurt if and when your child says something like that to you. And it can hurt if they say it to you when they're seven, and it can hurt when they say that to you when they are 17.
[00:01:01] Leah Clionsky: And there is a function behind this behavior, which is to communicate to you that they are very, very, very angry. And that there's almost a threat, like, like you have lost my love. "I am so angry with you that you did not let me do this thing, that you have lost my love." And usually kids pull this one out when you have set some kind of consequence they don't like, or you're enforcing something they don't wanna do.
[00:01:32] Leah Clionsky: "You can't have the second ice cream cone." "I hate you." "You can't spend the night at your boyfriend's house." "I hate you." "I'm taking away your phone." "I hate you." Right? "I am so angry with you that I am threatening you with the loss of our relationship." So when nothing else works, this is kind of the worst thing they could ever say to us.
[00:01:57] Leah Clionsky: And it feels scary because we want a relationship with our kids. So it feels scary, and it feels very personal. The other reason why kids use this kind of wording is that they're also curious about the strength of your relationship. So this kind of falls into the category of, "Will you still love me if...?"
[00:02:22] Leah Clionsky: Have, has your child asked you questions like that before? "Would you still love me with that if I went to jail? Would you still love me if I didn't listen to you? Would you still love me if I didn't like you?" Right? All of those questions that are sort of asking, "How secure is our relationship? Do you really love me unconditionally?"
[00:02:44] Leah Clionsky: So when your child says, "I hate you," they're also sort of asking, "Do you still love me? Will you still be there for me even if I reject you?" And the answer, the real answer to that question should be yes from us, and that's what they're trying to test in the relationship. And sometimes they know it's gonna be a yes, but sometimes if things have been very rocky for a long time, they are, like, trying to test us to that degree.
[00:03:17] Leah Clionsky: So when we get hit with the "I hate you," there are several kinds of responses parents need to s- tend to have when that happens. One of them is a deeply hurt response. We start crying. We're really sad. We think maybe we failed our child. Sometimes we have a really defensive response. "Well, if you hate me, then I don't like you either."
[00:03:44] Leah Clionsky: Or, "If you hate me so much, then I'm not gonna take you on your playdate tomorrow." Or, "Okay, go ahead and hate me and see who washes your clothes from now on." Like, we just tend to get like, "Well, you've insulted me," and then we kind of like act childish back at them. Like, "Well, you know, then we'll just see how this goes since you're so ungrateful."
[00:04:04] Leah Clionsky: And that solution might feel satisfying in the moment, but it doesn't really teach anything, and in fact, it just makes the rupture stronger. But it's, it's an understandable option, especially if you're in the midst of a fight, and you're feeling that your child is being really unappreciative and ungrateful to you.
[00:04:25] Leah Clionsky: And it's hard, again, if we're not remembering it's not really personal, they're just trying to communicate their anger, it feels very personal. So sometimes we have that defensive, almost rejecting response when kids say that to us. Some parents will say, "Well, I still love you." And that could actually sometimes be a really helpful response 'cause you're kinda getting to the core of the issue.
[00:04:49] Leah Clionsky: And also saying, "I hate you," is not a good way of communicating and is not incredibly respectful. So I think that there is the kind of response you can have that keeps you from reacting in a rejecting way, allows you to express that you understand your child and you love them without saying that this is how they should be allowed to speak to you.
[00:05:15] Leah Clionsky: So when, when I think about a child saying something like that, the first thing you wanna do is you wanna reflect that they're angry. It's obvious, but that's what this is about. It's not about that they actually hate you. It's about that they are angry. "You're really angry with me that I wouldn't let you have a second ice cream cone.
[00:05:35] Leah Clionsky: You're really angry with me that I won't let you go to your boyfriend's house. You're really angry with me that I'm taking away your phone." You just, you just lay it out. "This is what the problem is. You're really angry with me, and I can understand that you are. I will always love you, and it's important that you talk to me respectfully."
[00:05:59] Leah Clionsky: So you see how that sort of balances everything. "You're really angry with me," and basically you're like, "I get it. I would be angry. In your situation, I would be angry with me, too, if I told you you couldn't do something you wanted to do. You're really angry with me that you couldn't have a second ice cream cone.
[00:06:16] Leah Clionsky: That makes sense. I will always love you, and it's really important that you use respectful words for me. If you're angry with me, you can just say, 'I am angry,' and that will be okay." So the third step is you can actually give them a script for what they could potentially say, and then by the way, you have to be okay if your child walks up to you and says, "I'm really angry with you," and be like, "Yeah, great way of communicating your feelings."
[00:06:45] Leah Clionsky: 'Cause that's not a personal attack. "I'm angry with you" is not disrespectful. "I hate you" is actually disrespectful, or "You're a bad mom" is disrespectful. But "I feel this way about you" is a healthy way of communicating, even though we might not like to hear it. So let me reiterate. "You're angry with me "I love you.
[00:07:11] Leah Clionsky: It's okay to be angry, but you have to talk to me respectfully. You can say, 'I'm angry with you.'" So you're giving that level of information, and then if they just keep going on with that, "No, I really do hate you. I never wanna talk to you again," and you're really angry, "I'm gonna go ahead and leave the room now."
[00:07:31] Leah Clionsky: So you don't have to stand there and let it continue. So you don't have to, like, let yourself stand there and have those kinds of words directed at you. You can leave the situation. You can send them somewhere else, like, "Go ahead and take a walk so we c- 'cause this is just gonna get worse. We can talk about it later."
[00:07:52] Leah Clionsky: But you don't have to respond p- with a personal reaction to the "I hate you" comment. Do you see the difference? It's basically thinking when you say, "I hate you," you're saying you're mad at me in a disrespectful way, and if you can keep it at that level, if you can hear that, those words in that way, you will be able to stop yourself from reacting in a really negative way, in an unhelpful way, or in a way that doesn't ultimately improve your relationship at the end.
[00:08:25] Leah Clionsky: And you might be surprised. You might have your child come back and say, "You're right. I don't hate you. I was just really mad." And you're like, "Yeah, I know. You were really mad. I was mad at you, too. We were both mad at each other, and we still love each other." That's a maybe an easier conversation to have with a younger kid, though a teenager might come up to you later and say, "I'm really sorry.
[00:08:44] Leah Clionsky: I don't hate you." And you're like, "Yeah. I know. Like, we don't hate each other." Now, if your child's saying this to you a lot, if you really are in a state of a lot of fighting, a lot of animosity, maybe you're going through some sort of difficult custody situation, or it's just things have always been tense, and you and your child love each other, but, like, your communication has always been really off, or you're seeing a lot of challenging behaviors, and this is just one of the many of those challenging behaviors, we can help you at Thriving Child Center.
[00:09:17] Leah Clionsky: All you have to do is, uh, book a matching call with our client concierge. They'll talk to you. They'll help you find the right fit therapist and the right treatment so that things can get better in your family. I know it's a very uncomfortable place to be to have your child saying that they don't want you around, but deep down, what kids want is to be loved and accepted by their parents.
[00:09:41] Leah Clionsky: And when kids say that to you, in the moment, they are so angry they might believe it, but deep down, that's not how they actually feel, and they're wanting to see how they can grow a better relationship with you in the vast majority of cases. I hope you're having an okay week. I hope no child has said anything mean to you ever, and I look forward to talking to you next time.