How to Transform Your Relationship With Your Child in 5 Minutes Per Day
You Can Change Your Relationship With Your Child in Just 5 Minutes Per Day
I want to start by saying something that might feel hard to believe. You can meaningfully improve your relationship with your child in just 5 minutes per day. Not an hour. Not a full afternoon of activities. Five focused minutes.
As a parent and psychologist, I know how overwhelming parenting can feel. You want to be patient. You want to feel connected. You want to practice confident parenting, but life gets in the way. This post is about simple, evidence-based positive parenting tips that actually work, even when you are busy, tired, or stretched thin.
Why the Relationship With Your Child Matters More Than You Think
When parents come to me feeling stuck, burned out, or frustrated, the issue is often not discipline or behavior. It is the relationship with your child. When connection weakens, everything else becomes harder. Power struggles increase. Emotions escalate. Everyone feels misunderstood.
Strengthening your relationship with your child does not require perfection. It requires intention. When children feel deeply seen and valued, they are more cooperative, more emotionally regulated, and more resilient. This is the foundation of confident parenting.
Why 5 Minutes Per Day Is Enough
Parents often assume that change requires large amounts of time. In reality, children need quality attention far more than quantity. 5 minutes per day of fully focused connection can do more than hours of distracted time.
In my work with Parent Child Interaction Therapy, I have seen this happen hundreds of times. Families who commit to 5 minutes per day of intentional connection often see noticeable changes within weeks. This is one of the most powerful positive parenting tips I teach.
What Makes These 5 Minutes Different
These 5 minutes per day are different from typical playtime. This is not multitasking. This is not scrolling while your child plays nearby. This is intentional, undivided attention that strengthens your relationship with your child.
During this time, your child leads the play. You follow. You notice. You comment positively. You stay present. This sends a powerful message to your child that they matter and that you enjoy being with them. That message is the heart of confident parenting.
How This Builds Confident Parenting
When parents consistently show up with focused attention, they begin to trust themselves more. Children respond more positively. Parents feel less reactive. This cycle builds confident parenting naturally.
Many parents notice that once their relationship with your child improves, discipline becomes easier. Cooperation increases. Emotional outbursts decrease. These positive parenting tips work because they address the root of behavior rather than just the surface.
Common Mistakes Parents Make
One of the biggest mistakes parents make is believing that connection must be earned through good behavior. In reality, connection is what creates good behavior. Positive parenting tips work best when connection comes first.
Another mistake is assuming that children will grow out of disconnection. Without intentional effort, the relationship with your child can quietly drift. This is why 5 minutes per day matters so much. Small, consistent actions create lasting change.
What to Expect When You Start
At first, these 5 minutes per day may feel awkward. You may feel unsure of what to say or do. That is normal. With practice, it becomes easier and more natural.
Over time, many parents notice that their child seeks them out more. Communication improves. Tension decreases. This is the quiet power of confident parenting grounded in connection.
Why This Matters Long Term
Your relationship with your child is not just about today. It shapes how your child views relationships, emotions, and themselves. Consistent connection builds emotional security and resilience.
These positive parenting tips are not quick fixes. They are long-term investments in your child’s emotional health and in your confidence as a parent. 5 minutes per day adds up to hundreds of meaningful moments over time.
Final Thoughts on 5 Minutes Per Day
If you feel overwhelmed, disconnected, or unsure of yourself as a parent, start here. You do not need to change everything. You do not need to be perfect. You need consistency.
Five focused minutes. Every day. That is how confident parenting begins. That is how you strengthen your relationship with your child. And that is how small changes create big shifts over time.
You are capable of this. Your child will feel it. And your relationship will grow stronger because of it.
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
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# EP - EP 42
[00:00:00] Leah Clionsky: Welcome to the Educated Parent Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Leah Konski, and happy new year. I'm so excited to see you here today, and today is one of our solo episodes, and my goal is to teach you how to meaningfully change your relationship with your young child in five minutes a day. Yes, you can absolutely transform your relationship with a child in five minutes a day.
[00:00:37] Leah Clionsky: Special playtime. And I know that sounds impossible, and I know that sounds ridiculous, but I can tell you with confidence that it's absolutely possible because it is one of the hallmarks of parent-child interaction therapy, and I've seen this happen probably 400 times in my career as A-P-C-I-T specialist.
[00:00:59] Leah Clionsky: So if you have been listening to this podcast for a while, you've heard of Parent-Child Interaction Therapy a little bit, but let me dive in a little bit and tell you again what it is and then give you some details about the skillset I'm going to be teaching you today because this is really my area of specialty.
[00:01:20] Leah Clionsky: So parent-child interaction therapy. PCIT is an evidence-based treatment for kids two to eight who are dealing with any sort of challenging behaviors or disruption in the parent-child relationship or, um, anxiety, depression, A DHD, um, autism spectrum disorder, any sorts of challenges. That make it hard for parents and kids to really connect.
[00:01:47] Leah Clionsky: That's why it is called Parent Child Interaction Therapy through this therapy you are. Changing, fundamentally changing the interaction between a parent and a young child, and it can completely transform a relationship. So this treatment is not something I invented. This treatment has been in development since the 1970s.
[00:02:11] Leah Clionsky: There are hundreds and hundreds of randomized controlled trials looking at PCIT. Showing its effectiveness. Um, I've personally seen it help so many families and every single PCIT therapist I know uses these strategies at home with their young children because they work. And PCIT has two phases. The first part is about teaching parents play therapy skills.
[00:02:39] Leah Clionsky: To change the way that they're connecting with their child and to reinforce the behaviors that make it a good, solid relationship. And the second phase is learning discipline skills that help you know how to give directions in a way that children understand how to be consistent without being aggressive or scary, and how to follow through with non-compliance in a way that's.
[00:03:03] Leah Clionsky: Really measured and safe for everybody involved, and usually families only need to be in PCIT in our clinic 12 weeks or so for these behaviors to completely change. But I wanted to be able to pull back the curtain and share with you how these five minutes of day this cornerstone of PCIT actually works and how you can start implementing it right away, right after this podcast recording today.
[00:03:31] Leah Clionsky: If that's something you would like to start doing. So when I tell parents that they can change their relationship with their child in five minutes a day, their reaction is always that, that sounds ridiculous. Um, that they cannot imagine how five minutes a day would make a real difference. But if you have the right way of approaching it and you have the right tools and you're able to tweak it.
[00:03:57] Leah Clionsky: You can make a huge difference in the way that you're connecting. And I see this with my own children at home. So as you may remember, I have a four and a 6-year-old, lovely little children, but sometimes we butt heads and sometimes I notice, hey, there's this pattern where we're consistently not getting along the way I want us to.
[00:04:19] Leah Clionsky: And whenever that happens, I sit back and say to myself. Have you been doing your five minutes of special playtime with this child on a regular basis? And the answer is always no. The answer is always that it kind of fell off my priority list, that I'm not practicing what I preach and that our relationship is suffering as a result.
[00:04:40] Leah Clionsky: When I get back on that horse and start implementing it again, things clear up for us very, very quickly. So what is so special about this Five minutes a day that makes a real difference. So when you are playing with a young child, using these play therapy skills for five minutes a day, you're doing some really important things.
[00:05:07] Leah Clionsky: One is that you are giving your child your full attention. Now, often we think we're playing with our children. Oh yeah. I play with them all the time. I give them my attention. Well really, am I really giving them my full attention when they're playing with slime at the kitchen table and I'm doing the dishes and my daughter says, look at this bubble I'm making and I'm only half paying attention.
[00:05:31] Leah Clionsky: No, right. I'm not really actively sitting there giving her my full undivided attention, right? I'm sort of paying attention. I'm sort of connecting, and she can feel that it is not quality attention. So often what our children really want from us is very, very strong attention, and if they're not getting it in a good way, they're going to act up and get it in a negative way.
[00:06:00] Leah Clionsky: Just like if my son says, um, if he's standing on something and I say, that's not safe. You know, get down, and then he jumps even higher on the couch, right? He's doing it linking direct eye contact. He wants a strong, intense reaction. Why do kids want this? Why do they want a strong, intense reaction?
[00:06:21] Leah Clionsky: Shouldn't they just be wanting good attention? The reality is kids go for whatever's the strongest, and that's a survival instinct if you are getting the focus of your parents' attention. You're not being overlooked, you're gonna survive. And our kids are drawn to that very, very, very strong attention. So if you are giving your child five minutes of true, complete, 100% attention focused on them.
[00:06:47] Leah Clionsky: That is transformative in a relationship. And notice it only has to be five minutes of really intense attention. This huge multivitamin of positive attention is what we teach parents to give their children in PCIT. And that five minutes has so much support in changing relationships with children. And the reality is, if I said to you, do this for an hour a day.
[00:07:11] Leah Clionsky: You couldn't, like your quality of strong attention would go down. Like it's really hard for you to focus and give that high quality attention for long periods of time. Also, you probably can't fit it in. I mean, sometimes it can be hard to fit in five minutes of undivided attention between getting home and homework and dinner and bath time and any activities you have and just.
[00:07:34] Leah Clionsky: Trying to hang out and be a family. So those five minutes a day can be extremely, extremely powerful. The other reason why this five minutes a day makes such a difference is that when you're doing it with your child, you're letting them be the leader of the play. So the two rules of this positive attention are one, that you're giving lots of good attention for everything you can.
[00:08:02] Leah Clionsky: You're not giving attention for pushback, you're giving lots of attention for any behaviors you'd like to see. Anything kind, sharing, connecting with you, um, talking to you. Anything that is not negative, you are shining the light of positive attention on. The other thing is that you're gonna let your child.
[00:08:22] Leah Clionsky: Lead the play, you're gonna let them be in charge of the play. So instead of you taking the responsibility to dictate, this is how we're gonna play, this is what we're gonna do today. You let your child be the leader, the. This is so powerful. If you think about the fact that all day long our kids have to do what other people tell them to do.
[00:08:45] Leah Clionsky: You know, if they're in school all day long, they have to follow directions and follow assignments and listen to the teacher and listen to you, and where is that time where they get to be in charge? Knowing that you have some time where you are in charge and people are gonna go along with what you want.
[00:09:02] Leah Clionsky: It's fantastic. It feels so incredibly good and it also sends this message to kids that we think that they're capable of leading us, and that builds a lot of self-confidence. So those are the two goals when you're sitting down to do this five minutes of special time with your child when you're really trying to connect with them.
[00:09:27] Leah Clionsky: So. Just to make your expectations realistic before I jump in and tell you the details of exactly what you're gonna do during this playtime. Because right now you're sitting there thinking, alright, five minutes. Full attention, focused on them in a positive way, they get to be in charge. What does that even look like?
[00:09:48] Leah Clionsky: I do need to let you know that what I am teaching you are the skills, but I'm not doing parent-child interaction therapy with you right now. So let me tell you the difference. Number one, I don't know anything about your child. Right, so I'm not tailoring this description to fit you and your family in the specific ways that challenges might show up for you, your child, or in your family dynamic.
[00:10:11] Leah Clionsky: So that's important to keep in mind. The second part is then in actual parent child interaction therapy, there's this coaching component where we teach you how to play with and connect with your child, and then we watch you while you use the skills. And through an earpiece, we're in your ear and we help.
[00:10:30] Leah Clionsky: Tweak those things so that you see better and better results. It's like if you went to the gym after reading a book or listening to a podcast on working out and your workout, and you do it and you say, why am I not getting those exact results? Well, a personal trainer might walk over and look at you and say, um, it's the way that you're doing your squat.
[00:10:52] Leah Clionsky: Like you need to go down one more inch and move your knee this angle, and then you're gonna get the benefit and you do that and suddenly the whole exercise is different and your results are hugely improved. So that's part of PCIT right now. You're not gonna get that, but I do think that just knowing some of these skills in this brief podcast episode today, if you start implementing them, you will notice a change in your child.
[00:11:20] Leah Clionsky: In the majority of cases, and if you need more help, if you would like us to coach you in that way, tailor things for you, you can absolutely receive parent-child interaction therapy through our PCIT Experts Clinic. All right, but let me go back and tell you what else you're doing in this playtime. So you set it up so that it is just you and the specific child you're playing with.
[00:11:44] Leah Clionsky: No siblings, no distractions. No television, no phone for you. Your phone is not there. It's not even nearby on a table where you're gonna glance over at it. No smart watch on, no cheating, right? You and your child. And during these five minutes, you are trying to decrease negative attention towards your child and increase positive attention.
[00:12:10] Leah Clionsky: So during this playtime, you're not gonna tell them what to do. You're not gonna give them directions. Why are you not gonna give them directions if you tell them what to do? Who's in charge of the play? Yep. It's you. Right? And we want them to be in charge of the play. So if you say, can you make a yellow one?
[00:12:30] Leah Clionsky: Hand me that giraffe. Um, please sit here next to me. You're controlling the play, you're giving those directions. Also, your child might say no, and now you're in a control battle, so you're not gonna tell them what to do. Another thing you're not gonna do, and this is the hardest thing, and the thing that people push back the most on when they're learning PCIT, I remember pushing back on this part as well, is we tell you not to ask questions.
[00:12:57] Leah Clionsky: And that's 'cause questions take over the conversation. So I don't know if you've ever been in a situation where someone's just been asking you 80 million questions when you're trying to do something and you know it's 'cause they're like trying to connect, but it's overwhelming. What are you doing? What are you making?
[00:13:15] Leah Clionsky: Is that a princess? Are you drawing a car? All of those questions can be overwhelming to your child during the playtime, even though all you're trying to do is connect with them. And also children often perceive questions as criticism. Think about it. Have you said, do you think that was a good choice? Was it nice to spit on your sister?
[00:13:39] Leah Clionsky: Right. Those are not, those are questions. That are actually criticism. So often children are asked critical questions, so they have criticism disguised as questions, so our kids can be really sensitive or overwhelmed by those. So you're trying to avoid asking them things. And then you're trying to avoid saying anything critical to them, like, no, that's not where it goes, or That's not how we do this, or It's not okay to talk to me that way.
[00:14:07] Leah Clionsky: Any sort of critical statement during this five minutes of play. And that's because if you're criticizing them, first of all, it makes it not so fun. Second of all, it means that now you're increasing the likelihood of that behavior. So if your child looks at you and they stick out their tongue and you say, don't stick out your tongue at me, and you are in a control battle relationship with your child, they're gonna do it more and more and more.
[00:14:31] Leah Clionsky: 'cause it's getting a big reaction from you. So you're trying to avoid that. So I know I'm speed talking. I'm trying to give you a lot of information in a very condensed period of time. But usually once I've explained this to parents, they say to me, well, now we've run out of skills. There's nothing we could possibly do.
[00:14:50] Leah Clionsky: I have nothing to say. So this is where I'm going to switch gears and tell you the specific things that I want you to do while you're playing with your child. So the first thing I want you to do is to offer. Labeled Praise to your child. So there's a previous episode of this podcast that I did with Julia Lair and we talked about why praise is good for children, and praise is one of the cornerstones of PCIT.
[00:15:17] Leah Clionsky: So when we're praising behaviors, we're telling children exactly what is great about what they're doing. Thank you for sharing with me. I love how you're explaining your ideas to me. Great job using your gentle hands. It's so nice that you're letting me use the pink crayon, even though it's your favorite, you're just shining all this positive light of attention on your child and getting that.
[00:15:45] Leah Clionsky: Positive attention makes them feel really, really, really, really good. And it also improves some behaviors that might be challenging, right? If you're in a difficult relationship with your child, maybe you're not praising them very much. Maybe they feel like all they can do is make mistakes around you. But when you're doing lots of praise, then they're feeling more connected to you.
[00:16:07] Leah Clionsky: They're feeling. More approved of by you in those moments, and that's really helpful. And they know what they're doing that you like and they're feeling appreciated and cared about. So the praise makes a huge difference. Sometimes parents say, oh, well, he's not doing anything special. I don't know what to praise.
[00:16:25] Leah Clionsky: I'm like, well, if he's just sitting there playing with you, that's pretty great. Thanks for sitting here and playing with me. It doesn't have to be the most amazing behavior, it's just anything you wanna see more of. So we're praising, we're reflecting. Reflecting is when we're repeating back the things that our children say.
[00:16:43] Leah Clionsky: So instead of interrogating them with questions, we're waiting for what they talk about. And then the, then we're repeating back parts of that. So they say, oh, I'm drawing a spaceship. Oh, a spaceship, and it's going to Mars. To Mars. Yes. And he's meeting an alien. He's meeting an alien. And your child's so excited.
[00:17:01] Leah Clionsky: You're just following along with their words. They feel heard by you, they feel connected to you. Then you're imitating. You're doing what they're doing. They're building a tallest tower in the world. You are building the tallest tower in the world too. And then you're describing, you're giving them a play by play.
[00:17:21] Leah Clionsky: They're saying, I'm picking up. They're like moving the block. They're picking up the block, and you're there like a sports announcer. You're picking up the yellow block, you're putting it on the blue block. Now you're adding the orange block. You're just following along and the whole time you're offering the E of pride, you're offering enjoyment.
[00:17:38] Leah Clionsky: You're just connecting with them. So that's what you're doing in this five minutes. See how it is such a multivitamin. Of positive attention. Now, I threw a lot at you. I gave you all the details about ways of setting this up. I didn't get into all the different specific toys you can use. I didn't get into what to do if your child is really rude to you during this time, because we don't have enough time to talk about this in this one podcast episode, and I've also thrown a lot at you.
[00:18:09] Leah Clionsky: But here are the three take home points. I want you to take out of this and feel free to go back and listen to this episode again. If you wanna take some more specific notes. But the first thing is dedicate five minutes of time where there are no other distractions and you do not have your phone distracting you.
[00:18:30] Leah Clionsky: The second is to tell your child lots of positive things about the way that they are playing and to make sure that they can see and feel that you're enjoying connecting with them. And the third thing is to let them be in charge of the play. Let them take the leading role. Let yourself follow along and get immersed in their world.
[00:18:53] Leah Clionsky: And if you do this consistently, these five minutes will make things feel so much better between you and your child. You'll see more good things about them. They'll feel better about you, and before you know it, you're actually getting a lot more cooperation because you're getting a along better. So if this appeals to you, if just hearing this, you're like, Ooh, I think I could do this, or I, I feel like I could try this, but I'm so scared it won't work and I need some more help.
[00:19:23] Leah Clionsky: Again, you can contact us@pcitexperts.com. You can set up a matching call. You can schedule an appointment. But this is the time to start because in just a couple months, your relationship with your child can be completely different, and I want that for you. I want you to have this tool set in your back pocket.
[00:19:46] Leah Clionsky: To be completely honest with you, I do not know what I would do if I did not know PCIT skills. So I hope this has been helpful. I hope you've enjoyed. This chat. This is maybe the most clinical conversation I've ever had with you, but I hope it's really useful. I hope that this skillset fundamentally changes the way that you connect with your young child, because I have to tell you, it has fundamentally changed my relationship with my children in a very, very positive way, and they ask me for special time every single day, and they absolutely love it, and it's fun.
[00:20:22] Leah Clionsky: It's so fun to get to see them playing this way. So I hope you have a wonderful week. I hope things go so well for you, and I will talk to you again next week.