Teaching Kids Emotions and Identifying Feelings for Fewer Blow Ups
Teaching Emotional Literacy So Kids Can Stay Calm When Feelings Get Big
When parents come to me feeling like an overwhelmed parent, they usually believe the real problem is the tantrum, the yelling, or the meltdown. What I tell them is this. Those moments are not the problem. They are the signal. The real work begins long before the blowup happens. It begins with emotional literacy.
And if you ever feel like you should already know how to stop yelling or regulate your emotions perfectly, let me reassure you. I am a psychologist, and I still have moments where I lose it. I shared one of those moments in this episode because I want you to see something clearly. Emotional literacy is a lifelong skill. It is something we grow into, not something we master once and for all.
The Day I Lost My Cool
Over Thanksgiving, I had a moment I am not proud of. My kids were wrestling, ignoring my warnings, and as soon as one got hurt and the screaming started, something in me snapped. The voice that came out of me was not my best self. It startled my kids. It startled me. And it told me I needed to step away.
When I took a walk, I realized what had actually caused the explosion. It was grief. It was exhaustion. It was stress from travel. It was the buildup of feelings I had not acknowledged. That is what happens when an overwhelmed parent tries to push through without identifying feelings. Once I named those feelings, my anger made sense again. It softened. I could breathe.
And that is the lesson I want every parent to take. When we do not recognize our own emotions, those emotions do not disappear. They wait. They accumulate. And eventually they come out sideways, especially when we do not know how to stop yelling before the yelling starts.
Emotional Literacy Starts With Awareness
When I talk about emotional literacy, I am talking about the ability to understand what you feel, why you feel it, and what you can do to move through it safely. Teaching kids emotions begins with modeling this. Our kids learn by watching us identifying feelings in ourselves and in them. They learn what emotional literacy looks like by living inside a home where feelings are allowed to exist.
And the good news is that emotional literacy is teachable. You can build it in your home by using three simple strategies.
1. Tell your child how you think they feel and why
Children do not automatically understand the connection between what happens around them and what happens inside them. Teaching kids emotions requires us to narrate these connections.
You can say
You are disappointed because the game ended sooner than you wanted
You are frustrated because your tower fell after you worked hard on it
You are sad because your friend did not sit with you today
The goal is not to make the feeling disappear. The goal is to help your child with identifying feelings and understand that those feelings make sense.
2. Validate and show compassion
Parents often worry that validating a feeling will reinforce it. In reality, the opposite is true. Validation helps emotions move. It lowers the inner resistance that keeps kids stuck. It also helps an overwhelmed parent regulate themselves in the moment, so they know how to stop yelling when emotions run high.
You can say
This feeling is really strong right now
I understand why this is upsetting
I have felt this way too, and it is hard
Compassion does not make kids fragile. Compassion makes kids resilient. It is one of the most powerful tools we have when we are teaching kids emotions in a developmentally healthy way.
3. Offer help with regulating
Once you have acknowledged the emotion and shown that you understand it, then you can offer support.
Would you like a hug
Do you want me to sit with you
Should we take a break in another room
Do you want help solving the problem
Some situations cannot be fixed. But support can always be offered. Presence itself regulates. Identifying feelings teaches kids what is happening. Emotional literacy teaches them what to do about it.
Modeling Your Own Repair
When I apologized to my kids after yelling, I explained that I was upset about something else entirely and that I should have used my own emotional literacy skills instead of yelling. This is a crucial part of teaching kids emotions. It shows them that grownups make mistakes too, and we repair them by identifying feelings and taking responsibility.
Repair teaches your child just as much as getting it right the first time. It shows them how to stop yelling, how to slow down, and how to understand what is going on inside themselves.
If You Need More Support
If emotional regulation is consistently hard for you, that is not a sign of failure. It is a sign that you deserve support as an overwhelmed parent. In Calm and Connected, we teach parents the insight and skills they need to respond rather than react. If your child struggles deeply with emotional literacy and regulation, our team at Thriving Child Center and PCIT Experts can help them build lifelong skills with evidence-based care.
You and your child are learning together. And you are doing better than you think.
LET'S CONNECT:
Love having expert tips you can actually use? Join our newsletter and get a beautifully designed PDF of each episode’s top 3 takeaways—delivered straight to your inbox every week.
Are you a provider? Subscribe here for professional insights and parenting resources!
Listen to Episode 20: How to Help a Child With Big Emotions by Modeling Emotional Regulation
-
[00:00:00] Leah Clionsky: Welcome to the Educated Parent Podcast. I am your host, Dr. Leah Clionsky, and today this is another one of our chats without any guess, and we're going to be talking about one of the most essential human topics, which is about recognizing our emotions and regulating emotions in ourselves and in our kids.
[00:00:28] Leah Clionsky: And I'm going to start off this episode by telling you about a terrible failure that I experienced very recently, and I know it's always good when I can tell you about the times that I mess up. So this is a very recent mistake over the Thanksgiving break. I had a day where I ended up screaming at my children and they did not deserve it at all.
[00:00:54] Leah Clionsky: Now, I don't think actually it's ever okay for me to really scream at my children, but this was a situation that was just. Like completely not. My level of anger was not at all a match for their behavior. It was near the end of the day and they were starting to fight. It was one of those times where this happens with little kids.
[00:01:18] Leah Clionsky: They're playing and it's fun, and then they start wrestling and you know that pretty soon one or both of them is going to get hurt and then. One or both of them is going to hit and the whole thing's going to go south. And I'm watching this develop and I'm saying to them, Hey guys, we need to stop wrestling.
[00:01:35] Leah Clionsky: One of you's gonna get hurt. Hey, we need to stop wrestling. One of you guys is gonna get hurt. And they just continued. And then of course, within seconds, one of them was hurt and they were both screaming and they were screaming in that. Super high pitch sort of way. The kind that makes a parent's ears wanna bleed.
[00:01:53] Leah Clionsky: And before I knew what I was screaming to, I was using the beast voice. If you've listened to my episode about morning routines and the mistake that I used to make where I didn't eat breakfast, and I describe the beast voice, it is an intimidating, scary voice. That sometimes I use and never feel proud of.
[00:02:15] Leah Clionsky: So I'm screaming at them that they, that they did this and they should have listened to me and I can feel just the amount of anger coming out. And they're looking at me with huge eyes because they can see that I'm overreacting and I can feel that I'm overreacting. And I look over at my husband and he's looking at me.
[00:02:34] Leah Clionsky: And it's just very clear that we all know I am just overreacting and, and being pretty unfair. And I looked at him and I said, I have to leave the room now. And I just left the room to go calm down because I wasn't proud of how I was acting as a parent. I wasn't proud of what I was modeling. I was certainly glad that none of my clients could see me in that moment.
[00:02:59] Leah Clionsky: And so I gave myself some space and I took a walk. And I thought to myself, what happened? How did you get there? What is going on that you ended up kind of losing control in that moment? And so I thought about it and I realized that one thing that was going on is that I was feeling really sad. So my mom died about a year and a half ago now.
[00:03:26] Leah Clionsky: And whenever we hit a major holiday, I experienced some grief, some really deep grief, and I'm still not used to that happening to me because she hasn't been gone very long. What I realized when I talked to myself about it is that my grief had really come back and I was just really sad, and that sadness made me really irritable as well.
[00:03:51] Leah Clionsky: So part of what was going on was grief. Another part was anxiety. We had just come. Back from a trip. The traveling with kids is stressful, just keeping everything packed and organized, you know, stressful for humans to travel. So I was still feeling some stress from that. It's also sleep deprived because when you are sleeping in a new place, you're often not sleeping very well.
[00:04:16] Leah Clionsky: So all of those things together, the grief that led to irritability, plus the anxiety I was feeling. Turned my normal annoyance into rage that I did not regulate well and that unleashed on my own kids. And this is very human. This can happen to any of us, and this is what happens to us when we don't have good insight or emotional literacy into what's going on with us.
[00:04:43] Leah Clionsky: Things just build up and you're kind of just pushing them down or not noticing them and not noticing how you're feeling and maybe trying to be tough. Or kind of being in denial like, well, I don't wanna be upset about this. And then it creeps up on you and suddenly it's coming out in a way that you did not want it to.
[00:05:04] Leah Clionsky: And so what we're gonna be talking about today is how we teach our kids about their emotions so that this is less likely to happen to them because clearly this is a lifelong process. I'm a psychologist. I talk about feelings all day long, and this happened to me very, very recently. So of course it's going to happen to other people, especially to children who are still learning these skills.
[00:05:31] Leah Clionsky: And I'm going to give you some strategies for helping your children with this. I'm gonna give you an opposite example though, so you can see how emotional literacy is supposed to work. So here's my o opposite example. Today, at the day of this recording, I'm also having kind of a bad day, like it's not my favorite day.
[00:05:51] Leah Clionsky: Just so you have some sense of how it started out. One of the first things that happened to me is I stepped into a pedal of warm urine. And without going to any very many details, what I'll tell you is that it was human urine. That is one of the first things that happened to me today. And so, which is funny, but at the moment was not funny.
[00:06:14] Leah Clionsky: And so there's been a series of really inconvenient things that have happened today leading to the lot of frustration. The difference is today I am aware of what is going on. I know that I'm frustrated. I know why I am frustrated. I'm even now aware of that little grief piece I mentioned before. So I know that that's playing in.
[00:06:38] Leah Clionsky: And so I am very knowledgeable about the things that are going on for me, and the fact that I understand how I am feeling is actually decreasing the frustration. So as these things happen, I'm saying to myself, oh yeah, of course you're frustrated. You stepped into urine. Nobody wants to step in urine.
[00:06:59] Leah Clionsky: That's a terrible start to your day. That's so understandable. And then my frustration goes down as my self-compassion goes up. The other thing I'm doing is that I'm communicating this. To my husband, so he knows I'm not having a great day, and that means that I am gonna be able to have a little more space to take care of myself.
[00:07:23] Leah Clionsky: So I know that my frustration is higher than normal. So if my kids start streaking. And it's just something about that noise just gets to me. I'm gonna leave the room way before I start losing it. I maybe I'm gonna do some other things for myself to try to regulate. Like I'm gonna listen to more music I like today.
[00:07:42] Leah Clionsky: Maybe I'll listen to a little bit of a great audiobook while I'm cooking dinner. Maybe I'll get more hugs for my family. They'll walk in the door and I'll ask my kids if they wanna hug and I'll just get that. Wonderful hug. Maybe I'll snuggle more with my dog today. I am aware of what's going on and I am giving myself compassion, and I'm using coping strategies and all of those things together.
[00:08:07] Leah Clionsky: First of all, create a better day for me, but also mean that my likelihood of pulling out the beast voice is going to go way down. And then in turn, I'll be proud of myself for not taking my emotions out on other people. So that is what we want, right? We've heard about how I messed it up. Now we're talking about what I'm doing to not mess it up again.
[00:08:28] Leah Clionsky: And this is the skill we want to teach our children. We often teach children and model for children. Eh, it's not a big deal, just suck it up. Or, we don't help them understand how they feel and why they feel that way. And so if you don't help kids understand their feelings and understand why they're feeling the way that they are feeling, and that feeling that way is acceptable.
[00:08:54] Leah Clionsky: Then you're going to see what happened to me with the base voice. You're gonna see that buildup of uncomfortable emotions that no one is aware of, and then you're gonna see it unleash, and that's what we're trying to prevent. You'll hear people talk about this. They say you've gotta name it to tame it, which I always think is a little bit oversimplified.
[00:09:14] Leah Clionsky: What they're trying to say is that if you can tell a child how they're feeling, then the intensity of that feeling sometimes goes down, which is can be true, but I think then people expect it to work immediately. So, for example, my 4-year-old got very upset yesterday because his toast broke because he took a bite out of it.
[00:09:37] Leah Clionsky: Right. So he, he broke it with his teeth and then he was devastated. And I said to him, you're very angry that your toast broke. And he wasn't like, thank you, mommy. Now I feel wonderful. He said, yes. Oh no. And I'm like, yeah, you are angry, right? I didn't make his anger go down by doing that. I also didn't expect his anger to go down by doing that.
[00:10:03] Leah Clionsky: My goal there was to help him become aware of what is going on. So when we're talking about strategies for helping kids to regulate their emotions and improve their emotional literacy, one of the skills we're working on is insight and awareness. Insight and awareness is when you know. Why you're feeling the way that you are feeling.
[00:10:30] Leah Clionsky: So the first strategy is to tell your child how you think they're feeling and why. You are frustrated because your sister took your toy away from you. You are sad because your friend didn't play with you. You're, you are disappointed that you couldn't come to the store with me. Even though you wanted to, you're really trying to give that child an understanding of what is going on.
[00:11:00] Leah Clionsky: Like you have this emotion and it makes sense in the world, and here's how you put those things together. Just like I said to myself, oh, I'm sad and grieving 'cause my mom died and the holidays bringing up for me, that's the adult version. The child version is me labeling that differently for a kid, you know, oh, you're sad because you miss your grandmother on Thanksgiving.
[00:11:25] Leah Clionsky: That those ways of labeling, helping that child connect, like my emotions make sense. My emotions are related to my life experiences. So that is a really good way and a good strategy for building emotional literacy. Do not expect it to immediately make your child less upset, especially if they're upset with you.
[00:11:46] Leah Clionsky: If you say, no more candy, and they go. I hate you and you say, I am. You're mad at me because I said, no more candy. They're not gonna suddenly feel better, but they'll understand what's going on. So tell your child how you think they're feeling and why I. The second thing you're going to do is you're going to practice compassion for their feeling.
[00:12:10] Leah Clionsky: Just like how we want ourselves to practice self-compassion. This is the part where parents are worried. We're always get worried when we, when we opt for compassion in these situations. Maybe it's like our Puritan heritage in our country where everything's supposed to be tough all the time. But what we find is when people feel compassion for themselves and other people, then it actually makes it easier for them to continue and persevere.
[00:12:40] Leah Clionsky: It's not like compassion makes you weak. Compassion makes you strong. So when you say to your child, yeah, I can understand why you're sad that your sister took your toy, that makes sense to me. When you validate that emotion. You are helping them with emotional literacy and you're helping them understand themselves in the world.
[00:13:03] Leah Clionsky: So first you're telling them what they're you think they're feeling and why, and then you're telling them that it's okay to have that feeling. You can say things like, this feeling is really strong right now, but it probably won't last forever. I felt like this too before. It's always really uncomfortable when it happens.
[00:13:22] Leah Clionsky: If you're struggling to think of what to say, go back and listen to my episode about emotion validation. I really walk through how to validate other people's feelings, and that is a key part to teaching this kind of emotional literacy. So you've told your child how they're feeling and why. You've also told them that you think that's okay, and then the third part is you offer to help them because in those moments, honestly, we could all use a little help.
[00:13:53] Leah Clionsky: Do you, what can I do to help you? Would you like a hug? Would you like me to help you solve this problem? Would you like me to sit here with you? Do you want to do something fun in the other room? Can we listen to some music? So notice that I am giving some coping strategies here, so that's part of emotional literacy too.
[00:14:17] Leah Clionsky: If we can get in and help your kid a regulate through that emotion. That is a lifelong skill so that someday they don't end up screaming at their own kids when they're really upset about something else, or at least not as frequently. So to recap, you are telling them how you think they're feeling and why.
[00:14:40] Leah Clionsky: Then you are validating and showing compassion for their emotional experience. And the third part is that you're seeing if they want any help with regulating. Now, sometimes nobody can help you feel better about something, right? Like, what is anyone gonna do for me that is gonna make me not grieve my mom?
[00:15:02] Leah Clionsky: Just the offer of support can feel really good and sometimes there are things people can do, even if they can't solve the problem. Just their presence, their support, the fact that they care those things can mean a lot too. So being able to ex, like basically explain that to your kids can be really useful in these moments as well.
[00:15:25] Leah Clionsky: The goal is for them to start to understand these connections. So that they're able to learn better emotional literacy, and it is a journey. It is a journey. I ended up having to come back after I yelled at my kids and apologize and explain that I was upset about some other things that had nothing to do with them, and that I never should have yelled at them like that.
[00:15:47] Leah Clionsky: So I gave them some information about what had been going on with me. Doesn't mean it was okay, but it's helpful for them to understand and that can be helpful. Helpful modeling too. If you say, I'm so sorry, I yelled at you and whatever The reason I realized I was really stressed out at work and I kind of took that out on you and that wasn't fair and I shouldn't not have done that.
[00:16:09] Leah Clionsky: Instead, I should have used some of my own calm down skills. That's how kids can see the way that this is applied in real life. I hope this is helpful to you. We're all working on emotional literacy together. Nobody is perfect. You know, if you notice that you are struggling in these moments a lot with your kids, if you're having a lot more of these screaming and then feeling bad about it moments, you might wanna join our Calm Connected program for parents.
[00:16:36] Leah Clionsky: It's a group where we teach you some calm down skills for yourself and kind of this insight and awareness. With other parents who are not judging you. If you notice your child is struggling a lot with their emotion regulation, we can absolutely help you with Thriving Child Center and in PCIT experts work with your child so that you're able to help them calm down and understand themselves better.
[00:17:01] Leah Clionsky: It's not just about not looking upset, it's about doing the deeper work that more internal insightful work. That helps your child learn how to regulate their feelings. All right, this hope this has been helpful. I hope you have a great, um, next couple of weeks as we go into the holidays even more, and I'll be thinking about you and I can't wait to chat with you next week.