How to Prevent Meltdowns on Your Next Family Outing
How to Prevent Meltdowns on Your Next Family Outing
Have you ever planned something really fun for your kids, only to spend the entire outing dealing with whining, disappointment, tantrums, and meltdowns?
Maybe you planned a trip to the zoo, a special family activity, or another experience you were sure your kids would love.
You put in the effort. You spent the money. You rearranged your schedule.
And somehow everyone still ended up miserable.
You get home exhausted and think, What was the point of that? We were supposed to be having fun.
If you've been there, you're definitely not alone.
Recently, my husband took our kids to the zoo while I stayed home to record an episode of Educated Parent. And before you feel bad for me, this was a total win-win. It was 90 degrees outside. My husband wanted to go to the zoo. The kids wanted to go to the zoo.
I absolutely did not want to go to the zoo.
Everyone was happy.
But that morning, I overheard my kids talking about what they thought was going to happen during their zoo trip.
They were imagining the animals they would see.
They thought maybe they would buy stuffed animals.
They were pretty convinced there would be ice cream.
And as I listened, I realized something.
I had no idea if my husband was imagining the same trip.
That little moment is a perfect example of why communication with children before a special outing can make such a big difference.
Your Kids Have Already Planned the Trip in Their Heads
When we anticipate something exciting, we create a picture of it in our minds.
Adults do this all the time.
Think about planning a vacation. Before you've even left home, you may already be thinking about the restaurant you want to try, the place you want to visit, what you're going to order, or what relaxing by the pool will feel like.
Kids do the same thing.
The difference is that kids don't necessarily understand all of the practical factors that influence what can actually happen.
Your child isn't necessarily thinking:
It's going to be 90 degrees, so we probably won't stay outside for six hours.
They're not thinking:
We've spent a lot of money recently, so this probably isn't a good day to buy a $40 stuffed animal.
They may not understand that the ice cream stand is on the opposite side of the zoo from where you're going.
They're simply imagining what would make the day fun.
That doesn't make them spoiled or entitled.
It's normal.
The problem begins when the trip they've imagined and the trip you've planned are completely different.
Why Fun Outings Can Turn Into Meltdowns
Imagine that your child has spent the entire morning thinking:
We're going to see the tigers, buy a stuffed animal, and get ice cream.
Meanwhile, your plan is:
We're seeing the elephants, eating the snacks I packed, and leaving by noon.
Neither plan is necessarily unreasonable.
They just don't match.
And if nobody talks about that difference until you're standing at the zoo exit, you may suddenly hear:
“WAIT! We didn't get ice cream!”
From your perspective, this might feel ridiculous.
You never promised ice cream.
But from your child's perspective, it may feel like something they were counting on was suddenly taken away.
Understanding that difference is an important part of how to deal with tantrums.
The tantrum may not really be about ice cream.
It may be about a child's expectation crashing into reality without warning.
Expectations Can Feel Like Promises to Kids
One of the most important things to understand about child behavior is that children don't always separate what they imagined would happen from what you actually promised would happen.
The expectation can feel very real.
They've already pictured the ice cream.
They've already imagined holding the stuffed animal.
They've already thought about seeing the tiger.
So when you suddenly say, “No, we're going home,” it can feel to them like you changed the plan.
Of course, you didn't change anything.
There was never ice cream in your plan.
But your child didn't know that.
This is why setting expectations in advance is one of my favorite simple positive parenting techniques.
You don't have to make every expectation happen.
You just need to find out what those expectations are.
Disappointment Is Easier When Kids Have Time to Adjust
I learned a version of this lesson long before I had kids.
When I was a senior in high school, prom was a huge deal to my friends and me.
This was the era of movies like She's All That and 10 Things I Hate About You. We had a very specific idea of what prom was supposed to look like.
But the year before our senior prom, something had apparently happened at an after-prom party that caused our school administration to completely change the rules.
On the first day of school, they told us that if we attended prom, we would be bused back to the school afterward and spend the night in the school gym.
We couldn't leave.
As you can imagine, we were furious.
People said they were going to boycott prom.
We complained that everything had been ruined.
There was plenty of teenage outrage.
But here's the important part:
They told us at the beginning of the school year.
By the time prom actually happened, we'd had months to adjust.
We had imagined a different version of the night.
We changed our expectations.
Most of us went.
Was it exactly what we'd dreamed about?
No.
But we'd had time to accept that.
Kids need that opportunity too.
Obviously, they don't need nine months to adjust to not getting zoo ice cream.
But telling them before you arrive is very different from telling them as you're walking past the ice cream stand.
The Goal Isn't to Give Kids Everything They Want
This is where positive parenting techniques can sometimes be misunderstood.
Listening to your child's expectations does not mean agreeing to them.
You don't have to buy the stuffed animal.
You don't have to get ice cream.
You don't have to stay at the zoo for six hours because your child wants to see every animal.
The goal is to understand what your child thinks is going to happen so that you can correct unrealistic expectations before you're in the middle of the situation.
Sometimes, though, listening might change your plan.
Maybe you assumed your child desperately wanted to feed the giraffes.
Then you ask what they're most excited about, and they say:
“The petting zoo!”
If you don't particularly care which activity you do, that's useful information.
You might decide to prioritize the petting zoo.
Good communication with children isn't just about telling kids what will happen.
It also means listening to what matters to them.
Step 1: Ask What Your Kids Think Will Happen
Before you leave for a special outing, ask your kids to describe what they think is going to happen.
You might say:
“What do you think we're going to do at the zoo today?”
Then listen.
Really listen.
Don't immediately correct them.
They might say:
“We're going to see the tigers!”
“We're getting ice cream!”
“I'm going to buy a stuffed animal!”
“We're going to the petting zoo!”
Let them finish.
You're gathering information.
And don't assume that because they expect a treat, souvenir, or special activity that you're raising an entitled child.
They're imagining their version of a fun day.
You still get to decide what's realistic.
Step 2: Tell Them What Will Actually Happen
Once you've heard their expectations, compare them with your plan.
Some things might match perfectly.
Others won't.
This is where you bring in reality.
Maybe you say:
“Yes, we're going to see the tigers, and we can make the petting zoo a priority. We aren't buying stuffed animals today, and we're bringing our own snacks instead of getting ice cream.”
Your child may be disappointed.
That's okay.
The goal of these positive parenting techniques isn't to eliminate every negative emotion.
It's to give your child time to process disappointment before they're standing in front of the thing they want.
This is also where communication with children becomes preventative instead of reactive.
You're not waiting for the meltdown and then trying to figure out what happened.
You're getting ahead of the potential conflict.
Step 3: Stick With What You Said
This step is incredibly important.
Once you've told your child what will happen, follow through.
If you promised ice cream, make getting ice cream a priority unless something truly unavoidable prevents it.
If you said there would be no ice cream, don't give in because your child has a tantrum.
Why?
Because this isn't just about ice cream.
It's about trust and predictability.
If you repeatedly say no and then change your answer after enough whining, crying, or screaming, your child learns something very logical:
When Mom or Dad says no, they don't necessarily mean no.
And:
If I push hard enough, maybe I'll get a yes.
Then we may see more challenging child behavior, not because our child is manipulative or “bad,” but because we've unintentionally taught them that escalating works.
If you're trying to figure out how to deal with tantrums, looking at what happens after the tantrum can be just as important as looking at what triggered it.
Consistency Builds Trust
We often think about trust as keeping the promises our kids like.
If you promise a trip to the park, you try to go to the park.
If you promise a movie night, you try to make movie night happen.
But consistency also matters when kids don't like what we've said.
If I tell my child there won't be ice cream and then immediately reverse my decision after a meltdown, I've made my words less predictable.
Over time, that matters.
Your child needs to know that when you explain what's going to happen, they can generally trust that plan.
Predictability doesn't mean rigidity.
Plans change. Things close. Someone gets sick. Weather happens.
But when possible, your words and actions should line up.
Why Giving In Can Create Bigger Tantrums
This is one of the more difficult parts of how to deal with tantrums because giving in can work beautifully in the short term.
Your child is screaming about ice cream.
You buy the ice cream.
They stop screaming.
Problem solved, right?
In the immediate moment, maybe.
But your child has also learned that the tantrum worked.
So the next time you say no, why wouldn't they try it again?
They may even escalate more because they know persistence has paid off before.
This doesn't mean your child is plotting against you.
They're learning from experience.
That's why consistency matters so much when we're trying to understand child behavior.
If you know you're going to say yes eventually, it may be better to simply say yes from the beginning.
If you genuinely mean no, set the expectation and do your best to stick with it.
You Cannot Guarantee a Meltdown-Free Outing
I wish I could tell you that if you have this conversation before every family outing, your children will never melt down again.
They will.
They're kids.
Maybe they're tired.
Maybe they're hungry.
Maybe it's hot.
Maybe something completely unexpected happens.
No parenting strategy can guarantee perfect behavior.
And that's not the goal.
The goal is to increase the chances that everyone understands what to expect.
Instead of arriving with four different versions of the day in everyone's heads, you create a shared plan.
That alone can prevent a lot of unnecessary disappointment.
A Simple Conversation Before Your Next Family Outing
Before your next zoo trip, vacation day, amusement park visit, or other special family experience, try this:
Ask your child what they think will happen.
Listen without immediately correcting them.
Tell them what parts of their expectations match reality and what parts don't.
Let them be disappointed if they don't like the answer.
Then follow through as consistently as you can.
That's it.
This isn't about creating perfectly behaved children or perfectly planned outings.
It's about helping kids know what to expect.
And if you're learning how to deal with tantrums, sometimes the best place to start isn't in the middle of the tantrum.
It's 20 minutes, an hour, or even a day before it happens.
Clear expectations, predictable follow-through, and an understanding of child behavior can make family experiences feel a lot more manageable.
And the more we practice these kinds of positive parenting techniques, the more our kids learn that they can trust what we tell them, even when the answer isn't exactly what they hoped to hear.
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[00:00:00] Leah Clionsky: Have you ever taken your kids on a fun outing, something you've been looking forward to that you knew they would enjoy, and spent the entire time dealing with meltdowns, tantrums, and frustrations? And you just get home from it and you think, "What was the point of that? We were supposed to be having fun."
[00:00:19] Leah Clionsky: Well, that's a pretty common experience for many of us parents. So today, I'm going to talk with you about what you can do right from the beginning that will reduce the chances that that happens and help you to have more fun when you take your kids to do fun stuff. I'm excited to talk with you about it, and I hope you enjoy So today is Labor Day, and my husband is taking my kids to the zoo, and I am home recording this podcast episode.
[00:00:51] Leah Clionsky: Don't feel bad for any of us. This is a total win-win. It's a win for the kids because they get to go to the zoo with their dad, who wants them ta- to take them to the zoo. It's a win for my husband, who wants to go to the zoo. And it's a win for me because I have no desire to go to the zoo in 90-degree weather.
[00:01:10] Leah Clionsky: So if I were there, I would ruin the whole thing because we would not be going to the zoo at all. So we're all having fun doing our respective activities, and I know they're having a great time. But one thing that happened this morning as we were getting them ready to leave, is that I overheard some conversations they were having about what they were expecting to happen at the zoo.
[00:01:33] Leah Clionsky: And for us, going to the zoo is kind of a big deal. We don't go that often. Um, it's not great to go on the weekends. It's too crowded and busy. We don't live that close to the zoo. So this only happens a couple times a year usually. And so they were excited, and they were thinking maybe they would get to buy stuffed animals at the zoo.
[00:01:52] Leah Clionsky: Maybe they would get to go out for ice cream at the zoo. What kinds of animals were they gonna see at the zoo? And this is the kind of anticipatory enjoyment that most of us have when we're going to go do something fun, right? Think about when you go on vacation, and you already imagine, like, the food you're gonna eat or the things you're gonna buy or the experiences you're gonna have.
[00:02:13] Leah Clionsky: But as I was listening to them, I was thinking, "I don't know if all those things that they're envisioning are actually gonna happen." A lot of this depends on what my husband's vision for this zoo trip is going to be. Is he planning on buying souvenirs? Does he have ice cream worked into this schedule?
[00:02:32] Leah Clionsky: There are a lot of things to see at the zoo. Is he imagining the same animals they're imagining when he sets the itinerary? So I reminded him. I was like, "Hey, remember, the kids have these expectations. For example, they are sure they're gonna get ice cream. It's worth talking to them about it before you go so that they can hear yes or no to some of their things in advance, and you can plan your itinerary."
[00:02:55] Leah Clionsky: And he was like, "Oh yeah, I was already gonna do that, but thank you for reminding me. I'll go have that conversation with them now." That conversation where you make your expectations align is often the conversation that really helps outings to go more smoothly. Do-- Does it guarantee you that your kids will have no meltdowns?
[00:03:19] Leah Clionsky: Absolutely not. Does it guarantee you that everything will be perfect? Nothing guarantees that. But I wanna talk with you in more detail about how to set expectations and how to have a really good conversation with your kids before you take them somewhere fun so that we can increase the chances that everyone will enjoy it So why do our kids have expectations of a trip?
[00:03:43] Leah Clionsky: Sometimes when they go in expecting something cool or expensive to happen, and we had never imagined that that thing would occur, it almost feels frustrating to us. Like maybe there's this fear, "Am I raising an entitled child?" Right? Why would they imagine that we would do X, Y, or Z? So sometimes then we get frustrated or we say, "No, of course, we weren't planning on getting ice cream," and then our kids have this giant meltdown.
[00:04:12] Leah Clionsky: So what is the disconnect? When there is an anticipated event, everyone starts making a plan about that in their head. We do as adults, and kids do. And the problem is sometimes these plans just do not align. Sometimes, by the way, both plans are reasonable, they just don't align. For example, if you're thinking, "We have to prioritize seeing the elephants," if we're sticking with the zoo example, and your kids are like, "What's most important to me is that I pet a baby goat at the petting zoo," it might not occur to you that that is the thing that will make it really important to them.
[00:04:53] Leah Clionsky: And if you think about it, this is actually where adults who are planning things together often have conflict where they don't really talk out their itinerary and their expectations before they get there. Because if you're expecting one thing and someone else is expecting another, if one of your plans don't happen and you didn't know that that was a possibility, someone's gonna feel disappointed and frustrated with how an adventure or a trip went.
[00:05:19] Leah Clionsky: And kids are the exact same way. The challenge with kids is that they also don't think about all of the practical variables involved because they're children and they don't know about that, right? So they're not thinking, "We probably only have a certain amount of time outside because it's gonna be 90 degrees or maybe even feel hotter than that.
[00:05:42] Leah Clionsky: And so we're gonna get too uncomfortable, and so we probably have to narrow down the amount of animals that we're gonna see at the zoo." That sort of practicality doesn't necessarily fit into their vision. Or they might not think, be thinking about finances, for example. Like, what has your family been spending money on?
[00:06:02] Leah Clionsky: Are things tight as they're imagining what they could buy at the zoo? Or maybe they're not thinking about just where things are located in the zoo. Is there an ice cream place conveniently located or would you have to leave? So, like, just those practicalities of what could happen and what parents are capable of creating could be very different for kids.
[00:06:24] Leah Clionsky: So they're going in with a certain expectation that may not be based on reality. So it might not be realistic, it might not match onto your own goals or expectations. And if you interrupt that dream in the moment Often that's when you're going to see a greater acting out, because in your child's mind, it feels like a promise you have made, even though probably you have not made any such promise.
[00:06:54] Leah Clionsky: But it feels so real to them, that expectation and that dream feels so real, that when you don't act on it, to them it feels like you took their dream and you threw it away. I know that sounds intense, but that is how I think it feels to kids who are really invested in something happening, just like it can feel to us adults if we're really invested in something happening as well.
[00:07:16] Leah Clionsky: But the nice thing about being an adult is that because you're the d- designer of the trip or the excursion, you have a greater probability of making your own goals occur, and kids don't have any power in those sorts of decisions. And that's why having a clear discussion up front can often really help things out, especially if you have to hear a no, you can accept the no with a little bit more warning than if it happens out of the blue when you're certain that something will happen.
[00:07:48] Leah Clionsky: I'm gonna make a quick digression into telling you about my high school prom for a second. So, in my high school, apparently the year before my senior year, which is when we had our big senior prom, there was, like, some incident at a party that went really wrong, and it was such a big deal that the administration decided to make a change to how prom was set up for us.
[00:08:15] Leah Clionsky: And I was one of those kids who like had always-- like this was the '90s and early 2000s, so like prom was in, you know, all of the, the movies, the teen movies. They all ended with prom and the prom party. So I had built this up, and so had all of my friends, into this like extremely important coming-of-age event.
[00:08:36] Leah Clionsky: So like my expectations were very set on what I thought prom should look like, you know, from a movie like "She's All That." Those of you other millennials, you'll immediately know what I'm talking about, right? "The 10 Things I Hate About You" kind of experience. This is what I'm imagining. But the school had decided that was not gonna happen.
[00:08:55] Leah Clionsky: So on the first day of high school that year, they told all of us, "There will be no after-prom parties. If you attend prom, you will stay and be bused back to the school and spend the night in the school gym, and you will not be able to leave. So you can either not attend, but if you do attend, you have to stay that whole time, and we will be busing you, we will be transporting you, we will be checking in.
[00:09:23] Leah Clionsky: You will not be leaving, and if you do, there will actually be like a very severe school consequence for this." As you can imagine, we were all really upset, right? Everyone was like, "I'm boycotting prom. I'm not going to prom." Like, "You've ruined everything." We're furious. You know, very intense teenagers. But they told us at the beginning of the school year By the time prom actually rolled around, we'd all accepted it.
[00:09:48] Leah Clionsky: Like it was, you know, they didn't spring it on us the weekend before. They let us know really early, like, "Hey, adjust your expectations. This is not going to be what you expected, and you need time to adjust." And we did. We adjusted. And so by the time that rolled around, we're all still kind of not thrilled about it, but we'd already changed our plans to make it match that.
[00:10:14] Leah Clionsky: We'd imagined new ways that prom could go, and almost everybody in my senior class went to prom and was bused and had that overnight party, which probably was less fun than what we were all hoping for, but at that point had been okay. And the point and the reason why I'm telling you this is that it was that early disappointment, that not the day before, right?
[00:10:38] Leah Clionsky: When everyone would've really, really lost it. But we had a long time. So letting your kids know before you go to the zoo, "Hey, we are not gonna stop for any ice cream. That's not part of our zoo plan," is much easier for them to hear than, than to hear it at the moment when you're leaving the zoo and they're like, "Wait, where's the ice cream we expected?"
[00:11:01] Leah Clionsky: Right? So that timing is really key when we're telling kids things they don't wanna hear. So the goal of this is not to give your kid every single thing that they are imagining and envisioning, because there's reality, and there's your own priorities, and there's your own, um, expectations that have to be factored in as well.
[00:11:19] Leah Clionsky: But it's the timing and the way that we set these sorts of expectations. So how do you, how do you get in front of potential problems and make sure that the family is aligned with a plan together? The first step is that before you go on this fun event, you a- sit your kids down and you say, "Tell me what you expect is going to happen on this event."
[00:11:44] Leah Clionsky: And expect, by the way, that they're going to be thinking about treats and fun things that you might not have planned for. Again, this doesn't make them spoiled or bad, it just means that they're envisioning what their idea of a good time is, and you don't have to do it. But you want to really listen. So just let them describe, "What do you think will happen when we go to the zoo?"
[00:12:03] Leah Clionsky: And then they might say, "Well, I think we'll see this animal. We might see this tiger. It's, you know, it's really important that we do this, and, you know, we're definitely gonna get ice cream." So listen to their whole description of what they think will happen. Then come in with reality, right? Maybe now that you've listened to their description of events, you like it, and you're like, "Yeah.
[00:12:25] Leah Clionsky: Okay, all of those things can happen. Let's talk about the kind of schedule that we'll need in order to make those things happen." Or maybe you say to them, "You know, this part of this thing that you're imagining will happen, this other part is not realistic, and here's why." So then like come in with some corrective reality and let them know what the actual plan may be.
[00:12:46] Leah Clionsky: It also might-- their hearing what they really want actually might change your plan. If you learn that they're obsessed with the petting zoo, maybe you're going to change your focus is to make sure that you get to the petting zoo because you, it doesn't really matter to you, and you thought that they wanted to feed the giraffes, but the petting zoo is actually more important.
[00:13:04] Leah Clionsky: So, you know, let them know what the actual new reality of the plan is going to be. That's step two. And then accept that they might be mad at you about those things that are not going to go according to their plan. So number one, really ask them and really listen. Number two, talk to them about what the reality is that you envision.
[00:13:29] Leah Clionsky: And then the third step is to really make sure that you stick with the things that you said would happen. So if you promised that there would be ice cream, you have to make sure that barring the closure of all the ice cream shops in the zoo, there is gonna be ice cream, right? So you wanna be-- you wanna stick with your word about what you say will happen or not happen, versus if you said there will be no ice cream, if there is then some real push for ice cream at the zoo, don't give in.
[00:13:58] Leah Clionsky: You already set the expectation. You need to be consistent with what you said will happen. And the reason for that is that this is really a trust-building exercise with your kids as well. We wanna be trusted by them. When we say something they like will happen, we have to make that happen as a priority.
[00:14:17] Leah Clionsky: And if we say that something won't happen, we also have to be realistic and stick with that. Otherwise, when we set these sorts of plans with those, our kids, they won't trust us, and then you'll see escalated behavior when you say no to something. Well, you know, so for example, if you always give in over the ice cream, you say it won't happen, and then you give in and get the ice cream at the end, what your child learns is that you are not trustworthy.
[00:14:44] Leah Clionsky: And so then you're going to see increased tantrums when you say no because they're just gonna think, "If I push hard enough, I'll get what they, what I want." And honestly, it's realistic for them to think that. So if you know you're gonna cave on ice cream, just say yes at the beginning. And if you know you don't wanna do that, then set your no and stick with it.
[00:15:02] Leah Clionsky: So this is, again, all about being predictable and consistent with what you say. So I hope this is helpful to you. I hope that you have really fun outings with your kids, that, um, setting these expectations in advance helps everyone to get on the same page, and I'm really excited to hear how it goes. Just a reminder, if you have specific topics you want me to address on Educated Parent, I'm so thrilled to talk about them.
[00:15:31] Leah Clionsky: There is actually a link now in the show notes where you can go in and put in the topics that you're interested in, and I'll do my best to cover them. But I hope you have a great week. I hope that you're, you had a fun Labor Day, and I will talk to you again next time.