How to Help Your Kids Talk About Hard Things: The Counterintuitive Way to Get Them to Open Up
How to Help Your Kids Talk About Hard Things: The Counterintuitive Way to Get Them to Open Up
Few things are harder as a parent than knowing your child is struggling and not being able to help.
You can see it in their face.
You can hear it in their tone.
You can feel it in the way they withdraw, become irritable, or act differently than usual.
But every time you ask what's wrong, you get the same response:
"I'm fine."
Or worse:
"Stop asking me."
If you've ever found yourself in this situation, you're not alone.
One of the biggest challenges parents face is figuring out how to create meaningful communication with children when kids don't want to talk. The good news is that there are often better approaches than asking more questions.
In fact, some of the most effective parenting skills involve talking less.
Why Kids Don't Always Open Up
When children are upset, parents naturally want answers.
We ask:
What's wrong?
Are you okay?
Did something happen?
Is it school?
Is it your friends?
The problem is that many children don't actually know how to answer those questions.
Sometimes they don't understand why they're upset.
Sometimes they're afraid of your reaction.
Sometimes they worry that talking about it will make the feeling worse.
And sometimes they simply don't have the words yet.
Understanding these different ways of expressing emotions is one of the most important parenting skills parents can develop.
The Problem With Direct Questions
Many parents assume that asking more questions will create more conversation.
Unfortunately, the opposite is often true.
When children feel pressured to explain something they don't fully understand themselves, they can become overwhelmed.
The more questions we ask, the more they shut down.
This is why effective communication with children often feels counterintuitive.
The goal isn't to extract information.
The goal is to create safety.
Start By Supporting, Not Solving
One of the simplest positive ways to talk to your child doesn't involve talking at all.
If you know your child is having a hard time, start by increasing connection.
Think about what helps your child feel loved and supported.
Maybe it's:
Their favorite meal
Extra one-on-one time
A walk together
A favorite activity
Time with a trusted family member
These small acts communicate something powerful:
"I see that you're struggling, and I'm here for you."
Strong communication with children begins with emotional safety.
The "I Could Be Wrong" Strategy
One of the most effective approaches therapists use is what I call the "I could be wrong" strategy.
Instead of asking direct questions, make an observation.
For example:
"I could be completely wrong about this, but sometimes the end of the school year feels really hard for kids. There are so many changes happening. It would make sense if that felt stressful."
Then stop talking.
That's it.
No questions.
No pressure.
No demand for an answer.
This is one of the most effective positive ways to talk to your child because it allows them to enter the conversation voluntarily.
Children often respond better when they feel invited rather than interrogated.
Why This Works
The magic of this strategy is that it removes pressure.
You are acknowledging a possibility without insisting that you're right.
You're showing curiosity rather than certainty.
And you're giving your child room to correct you.
Many kids respond by saying:
"Actually, that's not it."
Which is great.
Because now they're talking.
Others might say:
"Yeah, that's exactly what's bothering me."
Either way, you've created communication with children without forcing it.
Tell Your Own Story
Another powerful strategy is talking about yourself.
Parents often assume they need to ask questions to start conversations.
Sometimes it's more effective to share first.
You might say:
"When I was your age, I remember feeling really overwhelmed when school ended."
Or:
"I remember being nervous before starting something new."
Then stop.
No follow-up question.
No pressure.
This is one of the most natural, positive ways to talk to your child because it communicates:
"You're not alone."
Children often learn healthy ways of expressing emotions by watching how adults express theirs.
The Power of Silence
Silence makes many parents uncomfortable.
We feel responsible for keeping conversations moving.
But silence is often where the real processing happens.
After you make a statement, give your child time.
Lots of time.
Resist the urge to fill every gap.
Some children respond immediately.
Others need hours.
Sometimes teenagers need days.
Strong parenting skills include learning to tolerate silence without rushing to fix it.
When Kids Talk Later
One of the most surprising things parents discover is that children often don't respond during the original conversation.
Instead, they come back later.
Maybe it's:
At bedtime
In the car
During a random moment the next day
This doesn't mean your first conversation failed.
It means your child needed time.
Many kids process internally before they're ready to talk.
Supporting these different ways of expressing emotions requires patience.
Sometimes Another Adult Is Better
This can be hard to hear, but sometimes your child simply isn't ready to talk to you.
That doesn't mean you've done anything wrong.
It just means they may feel safer opening up to:
A grandparent
An aunt or uncle
A coach
A teacher
A therapist
One of the strongest parenting skills is recognizing when another trusted adult can help.
Your goal is not to be the only person your child talks to.
Your goal is to make sure they have someone.
Final Thoughts
When children are struggling emotionally, our instinct is often to push harder for answers.
But some of the best positive ways to talk to your child involve doing less.
Less questioning.
Less pressure.
Less urgency.
And more connection.
More listening.
More patience.
More trust.
When parents focus on creating emotional safety, improving communication with children, supporting healthy ways of expressing emotions, and strengthening their overall parenting skills, children become much more likely to open up.
Not because they were forced to.
But because they finally felt safe enough to talk.
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[00:00:00] Leah Clionsky: Have you ever been in the situation where you know that your child is upset by something, and you even have a pretty good idea of what it could be, but you can't get them to talk to you about it? Like, you know, you're aware it's this situation. Maybe it's the end of the school year. This situation is hard, and you can see it in their behavior, in their attitude, in their facial expressions, in their reactions, but whenever you ask them directly, they either shrug it off and act like it didn't really happen and it's not a big deal, or they get mad at you for asking.
[00:00:41] Leah Clionsky: This has happened to all of us, and that's why I'm gonna talk about it today in The Educated Parent podcast. I'm going to tell you the strategies that I use in therapy that often get kids to open up and some classic things that we all do that you can avoid so that you make it more likely that you can have a real conversation.
[00:01:02] Leah Clionsky: I hope you enjoy it I just think it's excruciating when you know that your child is suffering, and you know that they need to talk about it with someone, and they're just completely shut down about it. It's just those situations as a parent that you can't fix are just absolutely heartbreaking.
[00:01:29] Leah Clionsky: Often, when we want kids to talk about something hard, we come at them really directly. "Hey, is it bothering you that the school year ended? I notice you're upset. What's bothering you? What are you upset about? What's wrong? Is it this? Is it that? Could it be this?" And, like, kids get overwhelmed sometimes with that questioning.
[00:01:52] Leah Clionsky: Sometimes kids don't have insight, so that's one of the reasons why you might not get an answer. Like, they know they're upset, but they don't know why they're upset. So if you ask them lots of questions about why they're upset, it's overwhelming and frustrating because they don't have a clear answer for you.
[00:02:09] Leah Clionsky: Sometimes they are afraid to talk about it with you. They don't know how you'll react. They're afraid you're gonna get upset, or they think that if they don't talk about it, then it will make them feel better. So when you're in a situation like this, you have some real barriers working against you. And the other third part is that often when we ask kids questions, it's because they're in trouble.
[00:02:34] Leah Clionsky: Like, "Oh, do you think that's an okay way to talk to me? Was that a nice way to play with your brother right then?" Right? Those are always, like, critical questions. So I think this also makes kids more sensitive to questions than they would be otherwise. So what do we do about this? In a second, I'm going to tell you some strategies you can use in the actual conversation.
[00:02:58] Leah Clionsky: But before I do that, I want to tell you some strategies that you can use to help them with their overall coping. So one thing you can do if you notice your child is upset, even if you don't know why, and even if they deny it, is you can be really nice to them. You can just be extra nice. Work in all of the things that you know would be comforting to them if they were upset and did tell you about it.
[00:03:26] Leah Clionsky: What's their favorite food? Maybe that's what you make for dinner. Do they like, um, going on a walk outside to see the cows in the neighboring neighborhood? Take them on that walk. Are they always happier and more comfortable when grandma comes over? Invite her over. Like, just do the things that make your child feel comforted.
[00:03:49] Leah Clionsky: Because even if they don't ever tell you why they're upset and you never have the conversation, they will be comforted, and they can tell that you care about them. Sometimes parents do this thing where they're like, "Fine, you don't wanna talk about it? Then that's fine with me. We just won't talk about it."
[00:04:08] Leah Clionsky: And so now the child's upset because you're mad at them, and they don't feel safe and taken care of by you. So if you know your kid's upset, just start working in some nice strategies. It can't hurt, and it can make things a whole lot better Now let's talk about how to have the conversation. So the key to conversations like this are all about not asking direct questions and about having lots of silences where kids can provide their own information.
[00:04:44] Leah Clionsky: These conversations are always best had when you are casually doing an activity that's sort of distracting both of you. So this depends on the age of the kid, right? This works with young kids. This also works with teenagers. So maybe if it's a younger kid, you're doing Legos together when you bring this up, and you're focused, and they're focused, and you're kind of side by side, but you're working it in.
[00:05:09] Leah Clionsky: With a teenager, maybe you're driving and they're just sitting in the passenger seat. Like it's these moments where you're both kind of distracted, so you can both sort of pretend that you're not really having this conversation, but if you need to, you can sort of zone in on them. So this is my first strategy.
[00:05:29] Leah Clionsky: I'm going to call it the "I could be completely wrong about this" strategy. This is one of the more direct strategies that I'll use. So let's use this example. Let's pretend the issue is, is that you know your child is struggling with some sadness and anxiety and difficulty with transitions because the school year ended.
[00:05:50] Leah Clionsky: This is really, really tough on a lot of kids. I mean, imagine if your job just ended every single year, and you had to start all over with a new boss and a new workplace, and by the way, you couldn't choose who those people were, and you had no control over it, and you also couldn't quit. Be stressful. Like it is hard for kids when things change the way that they do, and sometimes the summer routine is completely different than the school year routine.
[00:06:19] Leah Clionsky: So let's imagine that is what you think is going on. Like you know your child well, you've seen them start struggling around this time of year. Maybe they've been acting out more. You're just looking... You know, they're bummed out, or, you know, you're just noticing that they seem really worried. All right. So here's the strategy that I could be wrong.
[00:06:37] Leah Clionsky: So let's imagine you're just putting Legos together, and you say something like, "I just had this thought, but I could be completely wrong about it. Sometimes at the end of the school year, it's really hard for kids. There's just so many changes and so many things that are going on, um, that it can just be really, really hard, and it could be bothering people.
[00:07:00] Leah Clionsky: I'm not saying it's bothering you. I mean, maybe it could be, but, you know, I'm not saying it is. Only you would know. Yeah, it would be understandable if it was." And then you go back to the Legos. So you just lay this out like, "I have this idea, and I'm probably incorrect about it." And this, like, diffuses the situation so much because the child's not being directly questioned.
[00:07:27] Leah Clionsky: You're admitting that you don't know everything, which makes them actually feel better and be more willing to open up, and you're more likely to get a response. And then notice how there isn't a direct question. It's like, "Well, this often happens to kids, and it might not be happening to you. If it did, I would get it.
[00:07:48] Leah Clionsky: It really might not be." And, and then when you wait, then it gives your child an opportunity to say something to you. And it could be, "No, it is really hard for me. Like, Mom, it is really hard." And then you can go back and be like, "Oh, tell me about it." So you-- it gives you then this way of being able to either understand that about themselves or if they already knew, to go ahead and start the conversation with you.
[00:08:17] Leah Clionsky: They also might say, "Actually, it's not about the school year at all. That part's fine. I'm actually really nervous about summer camp." So just kind of like giving this space to them by setting up the context that way greatly increases the chance that they're gonna talk to you about it. But then if they do, you still have to play it cool.
[00:08:41] Leah Clionsky: You basically have to play it cool this whole time. You're like, "Oh, that's, that's interesting. I didn't know that." You know, "Tell me more." And then that gives you the opportunity to jump in and validate. "Yeah, I can see why that bothers you. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Yeah, like, it is hard to transition.
[00:08:57] Leah Clionsky: I've been there myself." It gives you that space. All right. So tool number one, the I could be wrong tool. Tool number two is just talking about yourself. So it's a similar setup. So you're like driving with your teenager, and you're like, "When I was 15, it was really hard for me when the school year ended. I had to change schools.
[00:09:26] Leah Clionsky: I was really stressed out because some of my best friends were leaving. It was just really hard. I just found myself being so upset and just crying a lot, and it was just really difficult, and I really didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about it. Sometimes, you know, when I was a kid, it was really hard."
[00:09:43] Leah Clionsky: And then silence. You're going to want to say, "Is this also happening to you?" Don't say that, right? Just let it go. Let the conversation ride. Like it's-- the hard part is for you, for me, for almost all of us, is the playing it cool, where you don't wanna play it so cool that you're not interested, but you also want to be able to not put the pressure on.
[00:10:09] Leah Clionsky: It's sort of a low-pressure situation. And in that situation, your teenager might be like, might ask you questions about you and how you handled it so it helps if you say something real. They might tell you themselves. They might be like, "Yeah, that is what's happening to me right now," and that lets you then have that discussion.
[00:10:28] Leah Clionsky: They might say, "Nope, that's not what's happening to me," and that might just be what you get, or you might also get then an explanation of what is really bothering them. Or you might get nothing, no reaction, and then at n- midnight that night, they come into your room and they tell you about what was bothering them.
[00:10:49] Leah Clionsky: So often these things get delayed. So little kids are more likely to dive in and tell you in the moment. Teenagers are often, unless they really wanna tell you, are often more likely to process that for a while and then come back. And also that way, even if they never tell you, they know they're not alone.
[00:11:11] Leah Clionsky: So these questions, this deep dive is not for you, it's for them. It's so that they know you... They know that you love them. It's so that they know that you support them. It's so that they know they're not alone, and it's so that they know that you are a person they can come to. So it lets you, again, open that door and be there, and then you might have the discussion three days later and, you know, in the middle of the night when they just come into your room.
[00:11:40] Leah Clionsky: So that's the second strategy for this conversation. So there's the I don't know anything strategy. There's the when I was, you know, when I was a kid or a teen, this is how I felt sometimes strategy. The third strategy is to bring someone in who they are more likely to have the conversation with. Like sometimes they just don't wanna tell you, and that's hard.
[00:12:09] Leah Clionsky: That's hard, like we all wanna be the confidant, but especially if your relationship has been rocky, especially if they feel particularly close to someone else, having that adult come in and, you know, hang out with them, and you say like, "Could you... Would you mind kind of talking to Tyler about this situation?"
[00:12:31] Leah Clionsky: And so you've just brought in kind of a counterpoint to you. I also think that it is fair to say to that, to that adult, "You don't have to tell me what it is. I just wanna make sure they're talking to somebody about it," and you sort of bring that in. I wouldn't make it obvious, right? I wouldn't say, you know, "Ooh, this is Uncle Dave, and he's gonna talk to you."
[00:12:51] Leah Clionsky: You just kind of let that relationship go because, again, your goal is to support your child being able to open up. Now, if this is a serious thing and this is coming up a lot, you feel your child needs therapy, we can absolutely help you with Thriving Child Center. We are really good at getting kids to talk about hard things.
[00:13:09] Leah Clionsky: It's pretty incredible what kids sometimes wanna share in a different environment, and they're often after doing that are way more open to bringing parents in. Sometimes they're not, but again, your goal is to make sure that they have a place to process what's going on. It's less about us and it's more about them.
[00:13:26] Leah Clionsky: So if you're running into that, you can absolutely contact us at thrivingchildcenter.com. We'll set up a call with you with our client concierge, and he does such a good job matching people with the right therapist for their kids. We're really picky about where everybody goes. But I hope this is helpful.
[00:13:46] Leah Clionsky: I know it's so hard to be a parent in these moments. You know, even for me, my kids don't always even tell me what's going on. But I've just found that these strategies do work really well in and out of therapy for getting kids to talk to you about the hard things. So I hope you're having a great week.
[00:14:08] Leah Clionsky: If you wanna give me feedback, go ahead and follow us at Educated Parent Podcast. Go ahead and see and join the conversations about what everyone is talking about, and I look forward to talking to you next time.