How I Build Healthy Self-Confidence in My Daughter (And How You Can Do It Too)
How to Build Healthy Self-Confidence in Your Daughter
As a mom and a psychologist, I think a lot about what it really means to raise confident kids. We all want our children to believe in themselves, but the world does not make that easy, especially for girls. I see it in my clinical practice and I see it at home with my own daughter. The messages kids receive about their worth start shaping their identity early. That is why I am so intentional about building healthy self-confidence in my daughter and helping other parents do the same.
When parents use evidence-based parenting strategies and model positive self-talk for kids, we give them tools to manage emotions, take healthy risks, and bounce back when things are hard. In this post, I will share exactly how I approach it, both as a mom and as a clinical psychologist.
Why Healthy Self-Confidence Matters
Healthy self-confidence is not about arrogance or perfection. It is the quiet belief that “I am capable, I am worthy, and I can handle hard things.” When children grow up with this belief, they are more likely to try new things, recover from setbacks, and treat others kindly.
On the other hand, children who doubt their worth often struggle with anxiety or frustration. They might give up when things feel hard or assume that a mistake means they have failed as a person. As parents, we can change that pattern by helping them think differently. When we raise confident kids, we help them believe they can figure things out. We remind them that mistakes do not define them.
That is the heart of evidence-based parenting. We use research, reflection, and compassion to help children see themselves as capable. That is how we build healthy self-confidence that lasts.
The Power of Positive Self-Talk
When I talk about positive self-talk for kids, I do not mean shallow affirmations. I mean helping children develop kind and realistic inner voices. For example, when my daughter struggles with a math problem, I encourage her to say, “This is hard and I can learn it.” That small change can shift her emotional state and her behavior.
Children learn this kind of positive self-talk for kids by listening to how we talk about ourselves. If they hear us say, “I cannot do anything right,” they absorb that message. If they hear us say, “I made a mistake, but I can fix it,” they learn resilience. Every time I reframe my own words, I am teaching her something powerful.
This is one of the simplest forms of evidence-based parenting. It is real modeling, done in everyday moments, that helps you raise confident kids who feel grounded and secure. Over time, that awareness creates healthy self-confidence that does not depend on perfection.
Modeling Confidence and Self-Compassion
Our children learn who they are by watching us. Modeling confidence does not mean pretending to have it all together. It means showing them that confidence and imperfection can exist together.
When I forget something or make a mistake, I tell my kids, “I am disappointed, but I can make it right.” That is evidence-based parenting in action. It teaches them that emotions are manageable and that being kind to yourself is part of healthy self-confidence.
When I succeed, I celebrate out loud. If I finish a project I am proud of, I say, “I worked hard on this and I am happy with the result.” My daughter hears that and learns that pride can be healthy. That kind of modeling is how we raise confident kids who celebrate growth, effort, and authenticity.
As parents, we can use positive self-talk for kids and mirror that in our own lives. The more we practice it ourselves, the more our children see what healthy self-confidence looks like.
Teaching Kindness and Self-Respect
One of the hardest lessons for girls is learning that kindness and self-respect can exist together. Many of us grew up believing that “being nice” meant ignoring our own needs. I do not want that for my daughter.
When we focus on healthy self-confidence, we teach that being kind does not mean accepting poor treatment. I help my daughter understand that she can care for others and still stand up for herself. We talk about how to say no respectfully, how to set boundaries, and how to handle conflict with compassion.
These conversations are a powerful example of evidence-based parenting. They help raise confident kids who know how to protect their emotional well-being. When children learn that kindness includes themselves, healthy self-confidence grows stronger.
Reflecting Their Strengths Back
Every day, I make a point to name the qualities I admire in my kids. When my daughter tries something new, I tell her, “I love how you kept trying even though it was hard.” When she shows empathy, I say, “That was very kind.” These reflections build her belief that she is capable, good, and strong.
That is how we raise confident kids, by helping them see what we already see. Those small, specific reflections create deep, healthy self-confidence. It is one of the simplest yet most powerful evidence-based parenting tools you can use.
Over time, this consistency becomes part of their inner voice. They start using positive self-talk for kids naturally because it feels true to how they have been treated. They learn that confidence is not something they have to earn. It is something they already possess.
When the World Pushes Back
No matter how confident your child is, the world will test it. Social media, peers, and cultural expectations can make even the most self-assured kids question themselves.
When this happens, I remind my daughter that healthy self-confidence comes from within. I encourage her to use her positive self-talk for kids when she feels comparison creeping in. We talk about what she values and what makes her unique.
These conversations are not always easy, but they are core to evidence-based parenting. They teach children how to think critically about the messages they receive. They also remind them that they can handle challenges and still see themselves as good and capable. That is how we continue to raise confident kids even when the outside world sends mixed messages.
Bringing It All Together
When we focus on healthy self-confidence, practice positive self-talk for kids, and use evidence-based parenting techniques consistently, our children start to internalize those lessons. They stop needing constant reassurance because they already believe they are enough.
We can raise confident kids who know they can do hard things and still feel safe in their emotions. We can model resilience and empathy every day until those qualities become part of who they are.
This is the heart of what I want for my daughter, and what I want for every parent reading this. Confidence is not something to perform. It is something to live.
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Together, we can raise confident kids who grow up with healthy self-confidence, practice positive self-talk for kids, and thrive through the power of evidence-based parenting.
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[00:00:00] Leah Clionsky: Welcome to the Educated Parent Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Leah Clionsky, and today we're gonna talk about a topic that is close to my heart because it has to do with my daughter and I love and adore my daughter. She is an amazing person and has to do with how. I am using evidence-based techniques to teach her to see herself as valuable and confident, and how you can use these strategies to build confidence in your daughters and all of your children as well.
[00:00:40] Leah Clionsky: So I'm gonna start off by telling you a story of parenting Gone, right? Sometimes you hear me talk about parenting gone wrong. Obviously, I'm not a perfect parent. But the other day I was really struck by things that I planned to turning out well. So here is the situation. My wonderful 6-year-old loves to sing songs, write songs about people in her family.
[00:01:05] Leah Clionsky: So she was going around singing us a made up song about everyone in her family and how they were important to her. I know, isn't that really cute? It's kind of giving early Taylor Swift, right? No, I'm not biased or anything, but the song is adorable. So she's going around, she's singing to her brother about how he's such a good brother and so nice, and she's singing to her dad about how he's so nice to her and gives her hugs and kisses, and thank you for being that kind of dad.
[00:01:31] Leah Clionsky: And then she gets to me and she says, thank you for making me confident. And I swear to you I almost cried because I was like, yes, yes, you have picked up on what I am trying to instill in you. You have picked up on it, and at least in this moment in time it is working because one of my highest goals for my children.
[00:02:01] Leah Clionsky: Particularly for my daughter is to use this time to build her confidence. I want her to see herself as a person who has inherent value. I want her to see herself as deserving of safety, as deserving of good treatment by other people as worthy of living a good life. Somebody who. Doesn't have to put up with other people being mean to her.
[00:02:31] Leah Clionsky: Someone who deserves a purpose, someone who can do hard things, someone who can handle obstacles. I want her to look in the mirror and know that she's fundamentally good and capable in our world. That is my real goal, and I want her to talk to herself in this way and to perceive herself this way when she approaches challenging situations.
[00:02:58] Leah Clionsky: Why? Why is that so important to me? Well, it's important to me because that's what solid mental health is really about. So if you are a interested in evidence-based treatments, and you've heard of some of the most robust ones. Like cognitive behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, like if you're, if you've heard of these treatment modalities and many, many, many others, this is just a concept across most of psychology.
[00:03:35] Leah Clionsky: How we perceive ourselves in the world affects how we feel and what we do and how we handle situations. If we perceive ourselves as capable, confident, and good, then we tend to handle things in adaptive ways. Even if we have uncomfortable feelings. If we perceive ourselves as bad, unworthy, unlikeable, and flawed, then we tend to be a lot more miserable.
[00:04:08] Leah Clionsky: And then when challenges come up for us, we're unable to handle those challenges. For example, let's say that you are struggling with a math problem. That's the situation, alright? That's what's going on in the world. You're trying to do a math problem and you dunno how to solve it. If you think I'm really bad at math and I will never be able to figure this out, how are you gonna feel?
[00:04:34] Leah Clionsky: You're gonna feel sad, right? And frustrated, and you're gonna feel a deep sense of shame. That's gonna be your emotional reaction to that painful thought. And then what is your behavior gonna be like? You're probably gonna give up on the math problem. Maybe you're gonna cry. Maybe you're gonna tear up the paper storm out of the room.
[00:04:53] Leah Clionsky: The math problem is now not getting done. You're feeling even worse because you didn't do the math problem and now you're having even more self-critical thoughts. Maybe your thought becomes even more painful. Like I never do anything. That is a very uncomfortable. Cognitive process to be in.
[00:05:09] Leah Clionsky: However, if you're struggling with the math problem and you think, this is really hard and I can do hard things and I can learn this, suddenly you're gonna have different feelings, right? You still might be frustrated, but then you're also gonna feel hopeful. Maybe even a little bit excited or maybe determined, right?
[00:05:33] Leah Clionsky: Your emotional state is gonna be very different, and how will that affect your behavior? You're gonna keep trying to solve the math problem, right? You're gonna try it this way, you're gonna try it that way. Maybe you're gonna get some help, but internally, you know that even if you don't solve the math problem, it has nothing to do with who you are.
[00:05:53] Leah Clionsky: It just has to do with math as hard. And you haven't learned this concept yet. One of these thought processes is gonna lead to a lot of pain. The other one of these thought processes is gonna lead to feelings of empowerment, right? Or if your friends are mad at you and you think, oh, this is because I'm a terrible friend, I, nobody will ever like me and I'm not worthy, right?
[00:06:21] Leah Clionsky: Think again about this situation. Now you're gonna feel sad and that shame and those. Feelings of anxiety and depression and sadness, right? And maybe you're gonna isolate yourself versus if your friends are mad at you and you think, I don't like that my friends are mad at me and I still know I'm a good person.
[00:06:38] Leah Clionsky: Sure, you'll still be friends. Sad that your friends are mad at you, but you'll also still be able to think about good things about yourself, right? So that you're still gonna have a sense of pride in your other accomplishments. And maybe you're not gonna hide. Maybe you're gonna go fix things or maybe you're gonna find new friends, right?
[00:06:57] Leah Clionsky: The whole trajectory changes when you change the way that you see yourself in the world. Sometimes people worry if I make my child too confident that they will become arrogant. This is not a concern for me. Let me tell you why. There is a difference between confidence and arrogance and entitlement. So arrogance is usually about actually a deep insecurity where you don't think you're very good, and so you're overcompensating and you're telling everyone that you are better than they are.
[00:07:33] Leah Clionsky: Oh, yes, I'm the smartest at math. I can solve all the math. That's arrogance when you are putting other people down. Confidence is knowing that you are important and that other people are important too. And that's what gets rid of these sense of entitlement. You're like, yeah, I deserve. To have, be, be safe and have good things happen to me, and so do other people.
[00:07:54] Leah Clionsky: And then you have a much healthier relationship because you already know that you're okay. And if you're okay, then other people can be okay and you don't feel intimidated. So this confidence building is essential. And when I work with teens and tweens and older kids and adults. All of the work I'm usually doing is trying to change the way that they're perceiving the world and their role in the world and how they are handling themselves in those situations.
[00:08:22] Leah Clionsky: So what I want to do is get ahead of the entire thing and get my children having a really healthy self-concept from the start. Now, I mentioned that this is really important to me for my daughter. I also have a son, right? Of course I want my son to be confident and have a healthy self-concept.
[00:08:45] Leah Clionsky: We know that there is an anxiety epidemic. We are aware that with social media, with everything going on, the changes in our world, the kids are more anxious, less secure than they even used to be, right? We're aware that there are problems, however, those problems are more serious. For female presenting people than for male presenting people.
[00:09:08] Leah Clionsky: And the literature on this has been robust for years. So this is what happens when and the studies generally tend to be in girls and boys, so I'm gonna have to use that language here, but for girls and boys. But the research tells us is that throughout childhood, they tend to have actually the same levels of self-esteem.
[00:09:30] Leah Clionsky: For the most part, they tend to, girls tend to try things. They tend to put themselves out there. They tend to feel more confident. And then when girls hit puberty, 10, 11, 12, and middle school, their confidence takes a huge plunge. Boys, that doesn't happen. Boys tend to keep feeling good about themselves.
[00:09:51] Leah Clionsky: Why is there this change? The change is society and how it treats female presenting people. The messages it sends to us about our worth, and those messages are very different than it sends to boys and men. The messaging we get is the most important thing is being beautiful. There are all these conditions of worth.
[00:10:13] Leah Clionsky: You are worthy if you are pretty. Being nice, not kind, but nice is the most important thing. Being small, supporting others, taking a background role, not standing right, not having authority. We're just taught to shrink and shrink and shrink, and that erodes our sense of self, right? That's how the, that's what the world is reflecting back to us that we must be, and my goal is to give so much positive self-concept to my daughter that when she runs into that messaging at some point, the way I know that she will, it doesn't knock her down as far because she has a core self-concept that is unshakeable, that I have honestly indoctrinated into her entire life. My son, my blue-eyed, blonde-haired son, much less likely to run into this, much more likely to be told that he's definitely competent in his entire life.
[00:11:15] Leah Clionsky: So again, I need to make him feel good and help him build his self-concept too, but I'm less worried about him. So how am I doing this? What are the specific strategies that I am using that you can use to, to build self-concept in your children? And again, use it with both your children. But this is especially tailored to how you build self-concept in your daughter.
[00:11:39] Leah Clionsky: All right. Here is the first strategy that I am really aware of, and it's about modeling. So if you listen to some of my other episodes, you'll know that I talk about modeling a lot. Modeling is important because we teach our children who they are by showing them how we react to things and how we handle things.
[00:12:01] Leah Clionsky: And if you were the mom of a daughter, you are her greatest role model, right? How to be a woman in the world and how to think of yourself as a woman in the world is reflects back to your child. They're like, oh yeah, this is what we do, right? I wanna be just like mommy. That is a core concept for developing girls.
[00:12:23] Leah Clionsky: And so I think about that a lot and I make sure that I model a healthy self-concept in myself. And what that means, practically speaking, is that I talk about myself in a positive way. I talk about myself out loud, the way I want my daughter to talk about herself when she is an adult. And I really think about that.
[00:12:51] Leah Clionsky: So what that means for me is that even if I'm not thinking this way, I don't beat myself up verbally. So I don't call myself names. I don't say that I'm stupid. I like if I make a mistake, I don't say. Oh, wow. I'm such an idiot. I never get anything right? Like I would never use that language about me in front of my daughter.
[00:13:12] Leah Clionsky: Instead, I use the language that I want her to use about herself. So if I make a mistake, I talk about it the way I want her to. Oh, I made such a mistake. I thought that I had gotten the laundry out of the washing machine and I left it there, and now it smells funny. Oh, that's so frustrating. I'm disappointed.
[00:13:32] Leah Clionsky: But it's okay. Sometimes I can make mistakes. I'm still a good person, even when I do things that don't work, and I can probably fix this mistake, so I don't say, ah, I'm such an idiot. Even though I might think that sometimes, right? I make sure that the language I use to talk about myself. Is really healthy and this is good for her to hear how I problem solve and how I talk about myself.
[00:13:58] Leah Clionsky: It's also helpful for my son to hear me talk about myself in positive ways too, right? It's changes the way that he thinks about women to hear how I talk about myself and the things that are important to me. So the other thing I do is I say positive things about myself too. When I'm proud of myself because I want my children to celebrate their successes.
[00:14:23] Leah Clionsky: So if I have a great day at work and something goes well, I might say to my kids, guess what? Today I tried something and I was nervous, but I tried my best and it worked out, and now I'm so proud of myself for doing hard things. I do hard things and you can do hard things too. So that messaging is very clear.
[00:14:45] Leah Clionsky: I really am very aware of what I say, and you can do this too. Think about how do you talk about yourself in front of your children and really think about, am I saying the things I want them to say about them? Because that's one way that they learn about how to think about themselves. So strategy number one.
[00:15:07] Leah Clionsky: Strategy number two. Is that I talk a lot about the idea that you can be kind and still respect yourself. So one of the lessons that girls learn is that being nice and going along with other people is very important, right? This like being a nice and putting yourself last is a concept that women are constantly overcoming.
[00:15:34] Leah Clionsky: In, in motherhood, in parenting, at work, in all areas of our lives, we're constantly overcoming this concept. So I see a difference between being nice and just doing what other people want us to do and being kind, operating from this value of like, I treat other people well and. I'm important and I don't have to put up with bad treatment.
[00:15:56] Leah Clionsky: So we discuss this a lot. We just, it comes up a lot and comes up in movies. Was she standing up for herself? Should she have let that happen? How can I be kind to other people and kind to myself at the same time, we discuss it in the social situations that go on. I pointed out every instance that I can.
[00:16:17] Leah Clionsky: How do we stand up for ourselves? How do we treat people with kindness and respect, and also treat ourselves that way too? Because I really think that this is a lesson she is less likely to get from the world. So I talk about it, so of course talk about it with my son, but with my daughter, I'm just like, I want you to be able to see.
[00:16:39] Leah Clionsky: When you are not being treated well, I want you to not put up with that. I want you to trust yourself and trust your gut. That's how I want you to protect yourself from bad relationships and bad romantic relationships and bad friendships and bad situations. So the first tip again, is talk about yourself positively.
[00:17:00] Leah Clionsky: The second is talk about kindness and. Self-protection at the same time that those two things can exist together. Kindness towards others and self-care. The third thing that I do is that I make sure my daughter hears me talking very positively about her the things I respect about her, the things I admire about her, the way she handles certain situations.
[00:17:34] Leah Clionsky: Sorry, my dog is barking. I should have put him in his crate. Oh, it's so annoying. Okay. The way I, it's how I talk about her. Oh, throw off my thought process. All right. The way that I think, like the wonderful things about her, I make sure to point out. As much as possible, her personal qualities that I really love and respect as well as the way that she handles situations that I want her to continue doing.
[00:18:06] Leah Clionsky: So I'll say to her, I'm really proud of you for trying to scooter, even though it was hard and you fell off, I am really impressed that you know that you can do hard things. I'm so sorry. How do I, this is not pausing. I'm just gonna leave it on for a second and shut my dog up.
[00:19:33] Leah Clionsky: Sorry about that. Okay. So I'm spent a lot of time making sure that I reflect back to my daughter that she is a good and valuable person. By the way that I talk to her about the way that she does things, I give her a lot of positive feedback about the personal qualities that I respect about her, and also about the things that she does that I think are working out well in her favor, that are related to confidence.
[00:20:04] Leah Clionsky: Like I praise her effort. I praise her creativity. I praise her kindness, I praise her, noticing things. That might not be working. I praise her. Trusting herself. I praise her like incredible spirit, right? Like I am trying to reflect back all of these things. I am her mirror and I want her to develop these thoughts about herself.
[00:20:31] Leah Clionsky: If you think about yourself and you think about the way that you think about your life and the decisions you make, you'll notice that many of the things you say to yourself, positive and negative. Came from things your parents said to you we are giving our kids messages about who they are, whether we're doing it intentionally or unintentionally.
[00:20:56] Leah Clionsky: So I am very intentionally thinking about the messages that I am giving to her about her value as a human, about her incredible skills, about her ability to do things that are challenging. And about the way that she should show up authentically in the world so that you can do as well. So I encourage you to look at your child and give them lots and lots of positive feedback about who they are and how you respect that about them, and how you like that about them and how you truly see them there being themselves.
[00:21:35] Leah Clionsky: So I hope that these strategies are helpful to you. I think it is so important for us. To create a healthy self-concept in kids as early as we can. And if your kids are even older, doesn't hurt to start now you can start saying these positive things to kids at literally any age. But I think it's worth really thinking about this.
[00:21:55] Leah Clionsky: How am I talking to myself? How am I talking about this balance of being kind and having that value system and also being self-protective. Not putting up with poor treatment. And also what can I reflect back to you about who you are so that you feel that positivity about who you are and you ingrain it into yourself.
[00:22:19] Leah Clionsky: So when the world hits you, you know somewhere deep down that you are in okay human, and that you are worthy and deserving of love and care, and that you have value and worth. So I hope this has been helpful. It is really hard to be a parent, and it's really hard when we know that things will get hard for our kids later down the road.
[00:22:42] Leah Clionsky: You can find us@thrivingchildcenter.com or PCIT experts if you're having any sorts of parenting challenges. If you like this podcast, go ahead and give me a five star rating or a comment. Before I became a podcaster, I had no idea that those things were important. I just listened to podcasts and thought in my hot head, oh yeah, that's pretty great.
[00:23:03] Leah Clionsky: But it actually does make a really big difference in getting this podcast out to other people. So if you're listening to this and you like this please go ahead and give me a positive review. I would so appreciate it. And if you have any thoughts, go ahead and slide into my dms at Educated Parent Podcast and on Instagram, and I will do my best to get back to you, right?
[00:23:25] Leah Clionsky: Take good care of yourself. I'll see you next week.