Is One Child Getting All the Attention? How to Deal with Sibling Jealousy with Becca Wallace
Let’s talk about a scenario that everyone parenting siblings has faced: one child is in the spotlight, and the others are... not.
Whether it’s the star athlete, the straight-A student, or the lead in the school play, these moments of pride can quickly create emotional landmines at home. If you've been wondering how to deal with sibling jealousy, you are absolutely not alone—and you're in the right place.
In this episode of The Educated Parent podcast, I sat down with therapist and foster/adoptive mom of five, Becca Wallace, to get into the heart of the matter. We unpacked what happens when one child is constantly celebrated, how it impacts your other kids, and the real, doable steps you can take to prevent resentment from taking root.
This is the kind of conversation that leads to confident parenting even in emotionally tricky territory.
The Problem with Praise (and What to Do Instead)
When one child is thriving publicly—winning awards, making all-stars, or soaking in applause—their siblings are often silently stewing in comparison.
The tricky part?
As a parent, you want to celebrate success... but not at the expense of your other children's emotional security. Understanding how to deal with sibling jealousy begins with recognizing that jealousy isn’t bad or wrong—it’s human.
Becca shared how in her home, one child’s athletic talents required four nights a week of practices and weekend tournaments. That’s a lot of attention, logistics, and emotional energy directed toward one child. Without intention and structure, it’s a recipe for resentment.
Strategy #1: See the Whole Child (All of Them)
A key step in parenting siblings well is making sure each child is deeply seen—not just for what they do, but for who they are. We recommend parents literally write down a list of what makes each child unique, talented, and lovable. Include things like creativity, emotional intelligence, helpfulness, humor, and even quirks that make them them.
When you actively notice and verbalize these qualities, your kids get the message: "I'm more than my performance."
And remember—this matters for the child in the spotlight, too. They need to know they're valued beyond their accolades.
Strategy #2: Build a Family Team Mindset
One of our favorite sibling rivalry solutions is reframing your family identity. In Becca’s words, "We’re a team. We celebrate each other’s wins together." It might sound cheesy, but this small mindset shift is incredibly powerful. When families adopt a team mentality, success becomes communal.
Instead of, "He always gets the attention," it becomes, "We’re so proud of him. And my time will come, too."
This approach is a cornerstone of confident parenting: proactively shaping your family culture, not just reacting when things go wrong.
Strategy #3: Intentional One-on-One Time
Even when life gets busy (especially when life gets busy), carve out one-on-one time with your kids who aren’t in the spotlight. It doesn’t need to be big. A walk, a board game, or even folding laundry side-by-side can go a long way.
This is how you practically demonstrate that their time, interests, and presence matter. It communicates, "You’re just as important."
In families with multiple children, parenting siblings well means recognizing and meeting emotional needs individually—not just collectively.
What About the Jealousy Itself?
Let’s be real: jealousy is going to happen. One of the best sibling rivalry solutions isn’t to eliminate jealousy but to normalize and guide it.
Instead of saying, "Don’t be jealous," try, "I get it. It’s hard when someone else is getting the attention. Your feelings make sense."
That kind of emotional attunement builds connection and resilience. And it models emotional intelligence, which is what confident parenting is all about.
How to Deal with Sibling Jealousy: The Takeaways
To wrap it up, here are the three main pillars we unpacked:
Be intentional about affirming each child’s value outside of performance.
Foster a team mindset in your family to reduce rivalry.
Prioritize one-on-one connection to help every child feel seen.
These are not quick fixes—they’re relationship investments. But they work.
If you’ve been Googling "how to deal with sibling jealousy" or struggling with parenting siblings in a way that feels fair and emotionally grounded, this episode is for you.
Let’s replace parenting guilt with clarity, connection, and confident parenting that works in the real world.
Let’s Connect:
Want more parenting tips? Join our newsletter for expert advice straight to your inbox!
Are you a provider? Subscribe here for professional insights and parenting resources!
-
Leah Clionsky 00:00:00 Welcome to the Educated Parent podcast. I am so excited for you to listen to this next episode, because it's about a topic that affects all parents who have more than one kid in their home. So I've brought on Becca Wallace. She's an amazing therapist, and we're going to talk to you about what to do if one of your children is getting all of the attention right now, if it's their moment in the sun, and how you're going to manage that with your other children so that everybody feels respected and connected in the end. Becca has some amazing lived experience with this. She's got five kids in her house right now, so I know that the practical strategies, she suggests are going to be very helpful for you. My name is Doctor Leah Clionsky and I'm a licensed clinical psychologist. Owner of Thriving child center and private experts, child psychology practices, and a real life parent of two young children. I am the same as you. I am invested in being the best parent possible and raising thriving children.
Leah Clionsky 00:01:01 I also get overwhelmed. I make mistakes and I forget what works. I do have three unique parenting advantages that you may not have a PhD in child clinical psychology. Over 15 years of clinical experience working with families and a network of other experts that I can text for parenting advice whenever I'm lost. I'm here to bring my expertise and my expert network to you so that we can solve your everyday parenting dilemmas together. I am so glad you're here. So, as you know, our goal on the educated parent is to give you strategies to solve your everyday sorts of parenting dilemmas. And one of those dilemmas that is going to come up for us again and again is what we're going to do. If you have a child who is having their day in the sun and getting all of the attention. And then you have other child or children, and it is just not their day in the sun. Right. This happens. Right? We have this happen when we have siblings, or maybe even if you have a close cousin or other family members where you have one child and maybe they're in the school play and everyone's excited, or maybe they just won an academic award and everyone's excited, or maybe they're a great gymnast and everyone's excited.
Leah Clionsky 00:02:15 And then you have your other kids and you have their feelings about that as well. So that is our topic for today. We're going to tell you exactly what to do if you are in that situation. And I'm so excited to bring on my guest Becca Wallace. Becca is amazing. She is one of our therapists at Thriving Child Center and asset Expert. She is a licensed clinical social worker supervisor, and she has 15 years of experience working with kids and families. She earned her master's degree from the University of Oklahoma, and she participated in research with the OU Child Study Center. She's a certified trainer for parent child interaction therapy. She's that therapist at Thriving Child Center, and she's actually our training director at the PCI Experts Clinic. So Becca is an educated parent for sure. She is also a parent. She's a foster and adoptive parent with five kids in her home right now. So welcome Becca. We are so excited to have you.
Becca Wallace 00:03:10 Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here and to talk about a topic that we all go through when we're parents, right? Or we just go through it in life.
Becca Wallace 00:03:19 So I'm excited to talk about some practical tips that will help.
Leah Clionsky 00:03:23 Yes, I'm so excited that you're here, especially because and we'll get into this in a couple of minutes. But Becca has real lived experience with this on maybe even the more extreme end at the moment. But before we talk about that, can you tell me a little bit about your parenting experience in your foster and adoptive journey? Tell me more.
Becca Wallace 00:03:41 So our family has been a foster and adoptive family for ten years. We have fostered 14 kiddos over the past ten years. Wow. We have adopted four boys through foster care. There are currently three that are nine and one that is ten. And then we also currently have a sweet little girl in our home who's one. So it either ranges from the four boys we've adopted all the way up to six kiddos at one time, but right now we have just five. But over the years, like I said, we've done it 14 different times over the past ten years, right?
Leah Clionsky 00:04:12 So you have seen a gamut of parenting challenges in your everyday life come up.
Becca Wallace 00:04:18 Yes, that is very true. Having to roll with the punches and seeing lots of different kids that have been through lots of different things. And so yeah, yeah.
Leah Clionsky 00:04:25 And what I think is really interesting, Becca, in addition to just the entire story, is the fact that you have four boys who are very close to the same age, three of them are the same age, and one of them is ten. And that is a like, ripe ground for jealousy, right?
Becca Wallace 00:04:39 Yeah.
Leah Clionsky 00:04:40 Because they're all the same in a lot of ways.
Becca Wallace 00:04:43 Yeah. Because three are in one grade and one is in another, and they can get stuck in that comparison trap. That happens. But it's always an interesting, fun dynamic helping them navigates.
Leah Clionsky 00:04:53 Yeah, absolutely. I already know. But can you tell our audience a little bit more about the child who's getting the attention situation in your house? What's going on with that part?
Becca Wallace 00:05:05 So we have one of our nine year olds that it's just a little, little baseball all star that has been since he started sports.
Becca Wallace 00:05:15 He's always been in the limelight. He's always had that natural talent, ability and motivation that has pushed him to where he's doing great and he's getting some extra opportunities that our other kids, even though they are athletic, like they don't get as often. And so we have one that has just some extra abilities that the others don't have.
Leah Clionsky 00:05:37 Yeah. So he's getting a lot of attention right now for his athletic abilities. Yes. How much time do you think the family needs to spend right now on his athletics alone? Like, how much extra attention is he getting because of this?
Becca Wallace 00:05:50 So honestly, it it is time consuming for our family. It is four nights a week between practice and games, and then it's like every weekend or every other weekend. That were always baseball fields, always at the park, always doing something.
Leah Clionsky 00:06:08 It's a lot of time.
Becca Wallace 00:06:09 It is a lot of time. It is a lot of time. Now. Granite. We love it and we love being outside. But it is a lot of time when you think about it.
Becca Wallace 00:06:17 Being that we are a family of seven and it's focused on one, right?
Leah Clionsky 00:06:21 That's one of the wonderful reasons I have you on today is that if you manage this incorrectly, if you are not an educated parent, you could end up in a really tough jealousy situation.
Becca Wallace 00:06:33 Oh, absolutely.
Leah Clionsky 00:06:34 Three boys.
Becca Wallace 00:06:35 Yeah. And that is something that comes a lot of intentionality. And it comes with some planning that we've had to do with parenting is that we have had to be very intentional with how we communicate to the other kids, and how we just kind of navigate day to day responses to those jealousy thoughts and feelings.
Leah Clionsky 00:06:54 Right. You've had to really go into this with a lot of thought and a lot of planning about how you're going to help everyone with their feelings and how you're going to strategize so that everyone still feels good about each other in themselves at the end.
Becca Wallace 00:07:09 Absolutely, absolutely. And so the first thing that I would encourage parents and my husband and I collaborated on this is that, as I mentioned earlier, that intentionality and that we identify and really see where the other kids are and what their strengths are, because it can be super easy to just be like, okay, we're headed to the ball fields.
Becca Wallace 00:07:32 We're focusing all this time, like, just go get your work done, I don't care. We've got to move on. We've got to get things done. And so taking a moment to see where everyone shines is been a big, big deal to help everyone work together and not feel left out.
Leah Clionsky 00:07:48 So you're spending a lot of time focusing on all of the kids and staying outside of this sports arena. Where does every single child shine? What are their areas of strength? What are their areas of strength in areas that you get a lot of attention for, like sports, but also in other areas as well.
Becca Wallace 00:08:06 Yes, yes. And so as I said, like your mind can get cluttered and can just be in the day to day shuffle because, I mean, everyone gets stuck in that carpool shuffle. Like, I've got to pick up the kids, got to get them to school and that sort of thing. You just get caught in the shuffle and taking time to actually pause and see what every person is capable of is a big deal.
Becca Wallace 00:08:28 And so it might be okay. One's really good at math or one's really good at being in choir or playing an instrument, or if someone's not good at that. Like seeing what character traits that person or that child is really good at. Like we've got one that is super loving and always loves to play with any of our foster littles that we have within our home. So it's really, like I said, that intentionality in regards to finding that praise point what everyone does to be successful and helpful within the family to make it run and be a beautiful picture.
Leah Clionsky 00:09:04 So it sounds like one of the strategies that any parent can do is to sit down and maybe even write down a list of, like, fantastic qualities about your kids, you know, and things like, you know. Oh, you're a wonderful artist, but also things like, you're a great problem solver. You're someone who has a really kind heart. You're somebody who is wonderful at sharing. You are a great storyteller. So you're really you're really, like, sitting down and thinking about your child as a whole person.
Leah Clionsky 00:09:37 All the kids, even the kid who's getting all the attention because the child and the son needs to think about himself as someone who's more than good at baseball. He has to think. Yes.
Becca Wallace 00:09:47 Absolutely.
Leah Clionsky 00:09:48 And all the way through.
Becca Wallace 00:09:49 Yes, absolutely. Like, even in, like, your day to day function, just kind of have it on the forefront of your brain. Like even right before we came in to do this podcast, one of my boys, because we homeschool, He was folding laundry and like being intentional even in that moment when I needed to run and go. It's like, thank you for folding your shorts, right? It's like taking that moment and being very intentional and pointing out a capability and how they're being helpful to run it. And we do, as parents sometimes get stuck on the negative or we get stuck on, like I said, the shuffle of the day. And so it's having that in that, that forefront of your brain that makes a big difference and helps them build those relationship skills and those communication skills that we all need to be able to be successful.
Leah Clionsky 00:10:34 You know, I love that you're you're you're really highlighting the importance of the intentionality and also pointing out all kinds of traits about kids, because, you know, I think one thing that that you and I have discussed a little bit, too, is that if everybody feels good about themselves and appreciated in their family, right. If you know that your parents care about you as a full person, it is a lot easier for someone else to stand in the sun, right? Like their jealousy is less if you know that you are loved, appreciated and valued. And that doesn't mean there isn't going to be some jealousy, right? It can be hard, right? Especially if you.
Becca Wallace 00:11:10 Wish.
Leah Clionsky 00:11:10 I was good at baseball as my brother. Right. That will always come up. But you can be happier for other people if you feel that you are okay yourself. And yes, it is a way of making you feel okay.
Becca Wallace 00:11:23 Yes. And that's that's one thing that has been great about our family, is that we have seen it kind of as a team or as a symphony.
Becca Wallace 00:11:30 Like you think of a symphony and like if you just had a symphony full of only violins, it wouldn't sound. I mean, it would sound beautiful, but think of how diverse a symphony is in all the different instruments. And like, you need the oboe and you need the different things. It's like we have communicated through our family that we are a team, that we are not just, okay, we're headed to the ball field, but we diversify what we do and that we see it as a we are working together kind of thing because if one succeeds, they all succeed and they all have moments of success. It's not like, okay, yeah. One that's always we do have one that's always consistently in the league, but like putting just as much weight for those other moments when the other kids are having their moments to shine just as much weight as we do for the consistent one. And so for us, we make a very big emphasis on team within our family.
Leah Clionsky 00:12:21 So I'm hearing like the first strategy that everyone can use is to start noticing all the good traits about your child and communicating them more.
Leah Clionsky 00:12:30 And the second one is to have a conversation in your family about the fact that you're a team, and that in a team, you don't even have to be the one doing the thing in order to enjoy success as a team. I always think about my husband, who's a giant sports fan, and right now he's a Cowboys fan. Well, he's always a Cowboys fan, but right now it's not good to be a Cowboys fan.
Becca Wallace 00:12:50 Yes. Yeah. Yeah.
Leah Clionsky 00:12:51 But you know, when the team is winning, even though he is just literally sitting on the couch, he feels like a winner with the team. And so if you can see your family like that. If my brother is winning. I am here winning as part of the family. Then also that helps with the jealousy.
Becca Wallace 00:13:08 Absolutely.
Becca Wallace 00:13:09 If we're seeing as one team, if one succeeds, we all succeed. And with that comes a little bit of planning and prep, right? Like, you've got to kind of instill that in your family.
Becca Wallace 00:13:18 And one thing that I would do is encourage parents to collaborate with their partner with their significant other and decide kind of, what do we want to champion, what do we want to highlight? And so kind of doing a little bit of pre-planning and then kind of have a family meeting and like convey that because each family has their own morals, beliefs and values and what you want to champion and what you want that to look like. And so one practical thing that people can do is kind of have that pre talk and then have a talk with the kids and be like this is what we're doing. This is how we're a team. This is our philosophy. And it gets everyone on board right.
Leah Clionsky 00:13:53 Okay. So what you're recommending is an actual conversation where you say to your family, you say to your kids, you know what, I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, because maybe you haven't. Maybe they're even teenagers now, right? You see them? I don't know that I've ever actually said this to you, but we're all in a team together, you know? And that might sound kind of corny, right? Especially in teenagers.
Becca Wallace 00:14:15 Right? Yeah, it's really highlighting.
Leah Clionsky 00:14:17 Like, I might not have told you this directly, but I really do see us as all working together and embracing each other's successes. And if you have little kids like mine who are three and five who would not understand that, you know, I think I would have to say something to them more along the lines of, did you know we're all a team, right?
Becca Wallace 00:14:34 You can be great little kids. Did you read.
Leah Clionsky 00:14:37 This? Did you know that whoever's doing well means that everybody is winning? You know, and that I think idea is so good. I think I'll probably leave that conversation and say that to my kids tonight.
Becca Wallace 00:14:48 Yeah. And it's great.
Becca Wallace 00:14:49 Because it creates a togetherness. There's always like that bond between child and parent, but it creates an even better bond between siblings. Because one interesting fact if you think about it, is that the longest relationship you're ever going to have is your relationship with your sibling, right? Like it'll last longer than friendships, longer than parent child relationship.
Becca Wallace 00:15:10 And so if you create team that success now and they build each other up, they're always going to have someone they can go to. May not be flawless, right. Because I've argued with my brother a time or two. Even in adulthood, we all do. But it helps build that togetherness and that they always have a support system, even as they age and grow.
Leah Clionsky 00:15:29 That's such a good point. You're trying to just treat their relationship with each other with respect.
Becca Wallace 00:15:35 Yes.
Leah Clionsky 00:15:36 And you want long term success. So it's not just about someone's getting all the attention. It's like how can as a family, how can we be stronger together. So let's talk about the third component here.
Becca Wallace 00:15:48 Yes.
Leah Clionsky 00:15:48 So you have one child getting so much attention. What are you going to do to make that okay with the other kids. You know theoretically philosophically they know they're a team but they're still kids. They're still people. And it's hard to watch someone getting the attention. So what do you do to to make that easier?
Becca Wallace 00:16:04 We do one on one time when we make sure that their talents are being highlighted, and that they're having an opportunity to be able to lean into their talents as well.
Becca Wallace 00:16:16 Because we've always been a sports family. Right. Like just through and through. My husband and I have always been a sports family. Let's go and do it. Like we named one of our children after our favorite baseball team. Like, let's be honest, we're sports.
Becca Wallace 00:16:26 Family, right?
Becca Wallace 00:16:26 Actually, two of our children.
Becca Wallace 00:16:27 After sports teams.
Becca Wallace 00:16:29 But it's seeing that, okay, this one is not sports related, but this one's really good at math or this one's really good at it. And so it's being very intentional. Also in our parenting is spending that one on one time and making sure that everyone's talents are getting leaned into or that they're being highlighted.
Leah Clionsky 00:16:46 Right. You're noticing it kind of goes back to that intentionality at the beginning where.
Becca Wallace 00:16:51 Yes.
Leah Clionsky 00:16:52 Maybe if your little sports star child is in a million championships, you're going to spend time with the other kids doing the things that they're good at so that the world doesn't revolve around one child? Yes, I guess that also teaches your athlete.
Leah Clionsky 00:17:06 Other things other people do are also valuable.
Becca Wallace 00:17:09 Absolutely. That is something that we have had to struggle with, because that particular one has been like the one in the limelight and it's like, oh my gosh, this might be so boring. But teaching them there is another side of it that he's got to be patient and humble within himself, and that he's got to have that appreciation for the fact that everyone else is sacrificing, like I'm sacrificing Saturday. I don't get to go kayaking because we're baseball fields, that sort of thing. And so teaching them that appreciation of what is being spent on him versus others, and then appreciating where other people are too, when they're having their moments.
Leah Clionsky 00:17:46 You know, the theme I'm hearing is you're saying this is like mutual respect is really like we respect each other. We respect each other's strength. We respect each other's time. Right? We respect each other in our family. And that when you have that going on, even though I'm sure there are moments of I'm sure it's not picture perfect at every moment.
Becca Wallace 00:18:04 Absolutely not.
Leah Clionsky 00:18:05 But it helps make things a little bit easier, you know? So if you are a parent, you know, you have siblings in your family or you notice you're like, oh my goodness, my one child is on dance team. And it's going to be a lot of that, you know. Really think about this. So spend some time, write down some notes about the other kids strengths and all the kid strengths. Start talking to them about it. That's the first thing you can do. It always makes people feel good. The second thing you can do is have this meeting with the family and try to communicate some of your values in the language that makes sense in your family. You know, just letting you know, like, hey, we're a team and this is what being a team means and how we support each other. And then it sounds like the third step is intentional time with the other kids. So if one kid is the lead in the play and they're getting all the flowers and the accolades, you spend some time with your other kid who likes to scooter, you know.
Becca Wallace 00:19:00 Outside.
Leah Clionsky 00:19:02 So you're really thinking about that? And will it be perfect? No, but that's okay. We all know I'm imperfect as a parent. Everyone is imperfect, and we're all just doing our best to make things easier.
Becca Wallace 00:19:13 Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. I think those are great bases that will help every family start to thrive.
Leah Clionsky 00:19:20 Yeah, absolutely. Well, Becca, I am so glad that you are on this podcast. I love chatting with you anytime. She's one of my expert parents that I can just text when I want to, so I have a big advantage. But if you would like to be talking to Becca, right, if you are listening to her and thinking, wow, she's amazing, she could really help my family. Go ahead and contact us through Thriving Child Intercom or PC experts. You know, you can set up a session with her and she can help you and your family thrive. You know, I'm so excited you're here at Educated Parent. Thank you for listening to us, and we're looking forward to seeing you the next time.
Becca Wallace 00:19:58 Thank you so much for having me.
Leah Clionsky 00:20:00 Oh, thank you so much for joining. Thanks again for spending time with me on Educated Parent. If this episode helped you feel more confident in handling those parenting curveballs, hit follow so you never miss an episode. Know a parent who stuck in the endless cycle of conflicting advice? Send this their way because we all deserve parenting strategies we can actually trust. And hey, if you have a minute, leave a review. Your support helps other parents find real, expert backed solutions instead of just another opinion online. One last quick reminder. This podcast offers general advice, but every family is different. The advice offered in this podcast is not medical advice and is not appropriate for every family. If you need personalized parenting support, connect with an experienced clinician at Thriving Child Center or PC fit experts. That's it for today. Thanks for listening and I'll talk to you next time.