Should I Force My Teenager to Spend Time with Me? What to Do When Your Teenager Shuts You Out
If you’ve ever wondered, "should I force my teenager to spend time with me?" or felt the sting of rejection when your once-chatty child suddenly shuts you out, you’re not alone.
Many parents struggle with what to do when your teenager shuts you out and how to maintain a strong parent teenager relationship during these challenging years.
It can be especially tough when you’re trying to figure out how to connect with your teenage son who barely looks up from his screen or how to connect with your teenage daughter who seems to have a more active social life than you.
But here’s the thing: this distance is a normal part of parenting teens and tweens. It doesn’t mean your connection is gone forever. In fact, it’s a crucial time to double down on building a healthy, lasting parent teenager relationship that will carry you both through the highs and lows of the teen years.
Why Do Teens Shut Their Parents Out?
If you have a teen that you haven’t connected with lately, it might be tempting to ask "should I force my teenager to spend time with me?". But, understanding what to do when your teenager shuts you out starts with knowing why they do it.
Teens are navigating a whirlwind of social pressures, emotional changes, and a rapidly developing brain that’s not always great at managing big feelings. They’re trying to figure out who they are separate from you, which can make even the most loving parent teenager relationship feel strained at times.
It’s not that they don’t care about you anymore.
In fact, most teens deeply value their parents’ opinions and approval, even if they never say it. But their need for independence can make them push you away, even when part of them still craves connection. This is especially true if you’re wondering how to connect with your teenage son who might retreat into video games or sports, or how to connect with your teenage daughter who might seem glued to her friends or social media.
3 Tips for What to Do When Your Teenager Shuts You Out
Here are three powerful strategies for what to do when your teenager shuts you out and for building a lasting parent teenager relationship:
1. Recognize Hidden Bids for Connection
When your teen makes a snarky comment, picks a fight, or complains about their siblings, it might not look like a bid for connection—but it often is.
Teens rarely say, “Hey, can we spend some time together?” Instead, they might say, “You never take me out for Starbucks like Emily’s mom does,” or “Why do you always spoil my brother?” These comments, while frustrating, are often their way of saying, “Notice me.”
Recognizing these moments for what they are can completely shift how you respond. Instead of getting defensive, you can say,
“Hey, I’d love to grab a coffee with you this weekend if you’re up for it,”
or
“You’re right, I have been spending a lot of time with your brother. Let’s plan something just for us.”
This approach can be a game-changer in your parent teenager relationship.
2. If Your Teen Asks for Your Attention, Just Do It
Sometimes, teens will be more direct and actually ask to spend time with you. It might sound like, “Will you take me to Starbucks?” or “Can we go shopping?” or even, “I need to talk to you about something.”
These moments are gold. If they’ve gathered the courage to ask for your time, take them up on it.
You might be tempted to say, “I’m busy right now,” or, “We can do that later,” but this can unintentionally send the message that you’re not interested in a strong parent teenager relationship. Instead, seize these opportunities. Even if you have to schedule it for later, make it clear that their request matters to you. This is a critical step in how to connect with your teenage son or how to connect with your teenage daughter in a way that builds trust.
3. If They Don’t Ask, Make It Happen
If you’re teen doesn’t seem to even know you exist, you might be asking "should I force my teenager to spend time with me?", but you don’t have to!
If your teen doesn’t come to you, that doesn’t mean they don’t want to connect. Sometimes they just don’t know how, or they’re worried about being awkward or rejected. If this is the case, it’s on you to create those opportunities.
Start thinking about things your teen actually likes. It could be as simple as going for a drive, getting ice cream, or watching their favorite show together. If you’re wondering how to connect with your teenage son, consider activities like shooting hoops, building something, or playing a video game together. For how to connect with your teenage daughter, it might be shopping, baking, or going for a walk.
The key is to take the initiative, even if they don’t seem enthusiastic at first. Sometimes, teens just need a little push to open up, and the time you spend together will pay off in a stronger parent teenager relationship.
Building a Lasting Parent Teenager Relationship
The secret to parenting teens and tweens is consistency and patience. Small, everyday moments of connection add up over time, creating a foundation that will carry you both through the challenges of the teenage years. Don’t wait for them to come to you—create those moments.
Ready to Strengthen Your Parent Teenager Relationship?
I hope these tips for what to do when your teenager shuts you out and how to connect with your teenage son or how to connect with your teenage daughter have given you some fresh ideas.
Remember, a strong parent teenager relationship doesn’t happen by accident—it’s built through small, thoughtful actions over time.
For even more insights, listen to the full episode of the Educated Parent podcast, where I share real-life examples and research-backed advice for parenting teens and tweens.
And don’t miss next week’s episode, where I’ll break down what to do once you actually get your teen to hang out with you and how to make those moments count.
Let’s Connect:
Love having expert tips you can actually use? Join our newsletter and get a beautifully designed PDF of each episode’s top 3 takeaways—delivered straight to your inbox every week.
Are you a provider? Subscribe here for professional insights and parenting resources!
-
[00:00:00] Leah Clionsky: Welcome to the Educated Parent Podcast. I am your host, Dr. Leah Clionsky, and I'm so excited that you're here with me. This is one another one of our chats where it's just us no guests, and today we're going to be talking about teenagers. And how to get them to hang out with us. You are listening to Educated Parent the Parenting Podcast, where I teach you realistic expert parenting hacks to solve your everyday parenting problems so that you can reduce your stress, build your confidence as a parent, and raise thriving children.
[00:00:37] Leah Clionsky: My name is Dr. Leah Clionsky. And I'm a licensed clinical psychologist, owner of Thriving Child Center and PCIT experts, child psychology practices, and a real life parent of two young children. I am the same as you. I am invested in being the best parent possible and raising thriving children. I also get overwhelmed.
[00:00:58] Leah Clionsky: I make mistakes and I forget what works. I do have three unique parenting advantages that you may not have a PhD in. Child clinical psychology. Over 15 years of clinical experience working with families and a network of other experts that I can text for parenting advice. Whenever I'm lost. I'm here to bring my expertise.
[00:01:18] Leah Clionsky: And my expert network to you so that we can solve your everyday parenting dilemmas together. I am so glad you're here. So I know I talk a lot on the podcast about littles. That's because I have a three and a 5-year-old at home, so little kids are on my mind a lot. I also hear the concerns of parents with littles the most because if I'm working with a family, I'm working with parents and I'm spending a lot of time talking to them about their challenges and their worries.
[00:01:49] Leah Clionsky: But when I'm working with teenagers, and I've always loved working with teenagers, I used to run an intensive outpatient program for teenagers. So I really enjoy them. But when I'm working with teenagers, I'm not seeing their parents that often or talking to their parents nearly as much. I talk to them at the intake session.
[00:02:10] Leah Clionsky: We may have some conversations during the course of treatment so we can give some updates, but I'm usually the teenagers coming by themself, and so I am not having that. Teenage parents voice in my ear a lot of the time, but I can't forget about you because you do have concerns and there is really important information I can give you.
[00:02:31] Leah Clionsky: About how to connect more with your tween or teen? One thing that I hear parents of older kids older than mine say when they find out I have a three and a 5-year-old, is they say, oh, I remember when my kids were little. They used to love hanging out with me. They always wanted to spend time with me. It was wonderful.
[00:02:52] Leah Clionsky: But now they're so much older and they're just off with their friends. They don't even wanna hang out with me anymore. They're just off and you know, on their phones and going to school events and spending time with their friends. And I don't see them very often and they say this to me and I'm sitting there thinking, oh, I think there's something you're missing about teenagers.
[00:03:17] Leah Clionsky: And so I want to share these thoughts with you because you might be relating, you might be looking at your 12-year-old and thinking, oh, you don't really need me. You don't really want my time. But here is the secret tweens and teens. Desperately want the time and attention of their parents. Now, they do not want the time and attention of their parents when we are annoying them.
[00:03:45] Leah Clionsky: So do they want to stay home and do chores with us? No. That's not interesting. Do they wanna just hang out with us in the living room when nothing is going on and we are distracted? No, that's not appealing to them. Do they wanna talk with us about their grades and hear us tell them that their grades are not amazing or that we don't like the new person they're dating?
[00:04:05] Leah Clionsky: Absolutely not. Do they want to share our attention with a sibling? Maybe not. Right? So it's not that they want to be around us all the time, like our kids did when they were little. I mean, my kids would love to do laundry with me right now, right? Anything is fun for them. They're up for anything. As long as I'm involved when they are 13 and 15, that will not be the case.
[00:04:28] Leah Clionsky: But do not let that make you think that they do not wanna spend. One-on-one quality time with you because they do. They want you to spend that time and fully see them and accept them as a person and listen to their thoughts and feelings and have fun with them, and approve of them and enjoy them. That is what teens really want.
[00:04:55] Leah Clionsky: How do I know this? This is what almost every teenager will say to me in therapy and what they will say to my colleagues. I mean, it's, it's not really a secret except for it seems to be a secret from their parents most of the time. And part of what's confusing about this is that even though what teens want is to connect with us as parents, they do not tell us that they want to hang out with us.
[00:05:20] Leah Clionsky: In fact, they often say and do things that make us think that they want nothing to do with us at all. And this is really an interesting paradigm, and so that's why it's really important that I tell you about it. So often if a tween or a teen says to me, I wish I got to spend more time with my mom, or I wish I got to see my dad more, I'll give them a logical answer.
[00:05:41] Leah Clionsky: I'll say, sounds like you really wanna spend more time with your mom. I bet she wants to hang out with you too. Why not ask her? So that is super logical, right? But teens and tweens are not always very logical, and that's not their fault. That's just how their brain is wired. The frontal lobe of their brain, the part of our brain that gets us to stop and think about things and be more rational and logical.
[00:06:04] Leah Clionsky: It's not fully developed until we're, and we're in our late twenties. So that is not the part of their brain that's making most of their decisions. Most of their decisions are being made through their amygdala and through the emotion centers of their brain. So I give tans and tweens this very logical solution because, hello.
[00:06:23] Leah Clionsky: I'm sure you would love it if they came up and asked you directly to hang out, but they don't do that. And so when I say that to them, their response is something like, we don't do that in our family. Or Mom only likes my brother or dad's always on his phone. Or even something like, that's weird. It'll be too awkward.
[00:06:43] Leah Clionsky: They're too busy or breath, that's sus, that's my favorite. I didn't know what that meant the very first time a tween said that to me. So the deepest fear of tweens and teens is being awkward, and the second deepest fear is being rejected. So even though what they want to do is hang out with their parents, it never comes out that way.
[00:07:05] Leah Clionsky: And so, in fact, when they are trying to get our attention. And connection with us. Instead of asking directly like, Hey dad, I think you're awesome. Can we please hang out sometime this week? They say things that actually sound extremely rejecting. So I'm going to tell you some things that tweens and teens have said to parents, and then I'm going to give you the translation.
[00:07:31] Leah Clionsky: But none of these things sound like an invitation to hang out. Why do you always spoil my brother? Does that sound like they're asking to hang out with you? You never get me Starbucks like Emily's mom does. Have you ever heard that from a teen or tween in your house? You always yell at me for being on my phone, but you are always on your phone.
[00:07:54] Leah Clionsky: So as a parent hearing that feedback, I don't hear, oh, my kid wants to spend time with me. I hear my kid is judging and criticizing me and I'm gonna get defensive. Right. I wanna say I do not spoil your brother and I treated you the exact same when you were his age. Or I wanna say Emily's mom is not your mom.
[00:08:16] Leah Clionsky: You've gotten Starbucks twice last week. What are you even talking about? Or maybe I wanna say I'm the adult, so I get to be on my phone if I want to. When you're the adult, you can be on your phone, right? So I'm gonna have maybe a really defensive or annoyed reaction. And then our tween is gonna leave the interaction saying, see, they didn't wanna hang out with me.
[00:08:35] Leah Clionsky: And that's because it's good reason, right? Like we didn't accept those offers 'cause they don't sound like offers. So let me give you the translation of what your teen or tween means when they say this thing to you that is trying to get you to hang out with them, but it comes out wrong. So why do you always spoil my brother means I miss you and I wish I got as much attention as my brother.
[00:09:01] Leah Clionsky: Can you see it? It doesn't sound like the same thing. At all, but it is underneath that. Why do you always spoil? My brother is a, I wish you were paying attention to me right now. He's the baby. He gets your focus. See, but again, understandable why you couldn't hear that you never get me. Starbucks like Emily's mom does, means I want to spend time with you.
[00:09:26] Leah Clionsky: I want your attention. These are all requests for attention. They just come out backwards as accusations. You always yell at me for being on my phone, but you are always on your phone. I feel ignored when you're on your phone. I want your attention. You hear it now, you hear how all of those things are Your kid looking up at you like a toddler and saying, please pay attention to me.
[00:09:55] Leah Clionsky: But they all sound like I hate you. Please go away. Okay, so one of our jobs is to look through those comments and hear what your teen or tween is actually saying to you. And what they are actually saying to you is, I want to connect. So one of the first things you want to do, if you want to hang out more with your teen or tween, is you have to accept in your heart that despite what they say to you.
[00:10:27] Leah Clionsky: They actually want to hang out with you. They are interested in a relationship with you. That is a very important thing to just be aware of. Just be aware deep down that they want that relationship. They're not always very skilled at asking for it, but that is what they deeply want to have. Another thing that happens with teens or tweens is sometimes they are a little bit more direct with their requests.
[00:10:51] Leah Clionsky: But it doesn't sound like an invitation to a relationship. It sounds just like a demand. Like, will you take me to Starbucks? Can we go shopping? Can we go watch a movie? So these are less abrasive, but they sound like sometimes as a parent we can interpret them as like you're just asking for stuff. Like you just want me to buy you Starbucks and buy you clothes and spend money on movies, right?
[00:11:14] Leah Clionsky: It can sound like that, but what they're really saying is. Essentially, will you go out with me? Like, will you hang out with me? Can we go do something together? And it can be easy to overlook that, especially if we're really busy or they sometimes they ask for an invitation, like they try to invite a conversation or support.
[00:11:34] Leah Clionsky: I need to tell you something. Chris and I had a fight right there, like starting to confide in you. But I think again, in our busy lives. If we're not operating under the assumption that our teens and tweens want relationships with us, it's really easy to brush these things off. Will you take me to Starbucks?
[00:11:53] Leah Clionsky: Not right now. I took you last week. I'm in the middle of something, right? It's just so easy to just not even hear that request, or I need to tell you something. Can you tell me in 10 minutes? I'm in the middle of cooking dinner. It's easy for us to dismiss those things. So my second tip is that if your teen directly asks for your attention or directly asks for you to hang out with them, just do it.
[00:12:18] Leah Clionsky: Just go do it, right? If they got it together enough to communicate that. Then you should take them up on it. Will you take me to Starbucks plan a time to go to Starbucks? Maybe it can't be right now. Maybe it can be this week. Can we go shopping plan a time? You can set a budget. You can say that it's window shopping, right?
[00:12:36] Leah Clionsky: It's not about the money. They're asking you to go hang out. They're just not so skilled, and if they need to tell you something. Either it's something that is really important that you should know or it's something that's important to them, and you making time for that communication and that conversation shows them a level of respect and interest in them.
[00:12:57] Leah Clionsky: Teens and tweens are just so ready to interpret people as being rejecting. They are just, even if we are so supportive and so warm and we have never done or said anything that should make a teen or tween think that we don't love them. The way that they are wired, especially at this age, is they are just wired to feel that other people can see right through them to their weaknesses and not care about them.
[00:13:25] Leah Clionsky: And so even though you might say, oh, I'm really busy right now, can we talk about this another time? They may hear you don't care about me, and you never, ever, ever want to hear what I have to say Again, I'm not putting pressure on you like it is understandable. You don't understand what they're saying. It doesn't sound right.
[00:13:41] Leah Clionsky: It sounds weird. It comes across as the opposite of what they mean. And we are not gonna be perfect parents or perfect people. We are going to miss these signs. But if you know that these signs exist, then you're gonna be looking for them in your communication with your teen, and you may start reinterpreting the things that they say differently.
[00:14:02] Leah Clionsky: So how we think about people affects the way we feel about them. So if I'm thinking my teen tween wants to spend time with me, that is something that's important to them. And sometimes they try really hard and it comes out not the way they intend. And then they say to me, why do you always spoil my brother?
[00:14:23] Leah Clionsky: Then I might interpret that as you wish that I was hanging out with you. And then, so maybe the thing that you end up saying. Is, I have been spending a lot of time with your brother. I would really like to spend more time with you. Let's plan something, and suddenly, instead of scolding your teenager, you have planned a time to connect with them.
[00:14:46] Leah Clionsky: Do you see how that can work? Like you can go right to the heart of the issue if you're thinking about them that way. So think about how you're thinking about them. Really try to hear for their subtle asks for your time and attention. And the third thing you're going to do is that if they don't ask you, you are going to start deciding that you are going to make some things happen with your teen or tween.
[00:15:13] Leah Clionsky: So a good relationship can only happen if you are spending quality time together. And if for whatever reason they are not making that happen, then somebody needs to make that happen. And the person who needs to make that happen is you, their parent. Because they want your time and attention and they actually really need you.
[00:15:36] Leah Clionsky: They need to know that they can come to you and connect with you, and that you'll be there with them and see them and hear them and love them no matter what they say. Because it is hard to be a teen and in tween, and it is hard to be a person, and this is where you build that foundation Now. So start thinking about things that you would like to do with them.
[00:15:59] Leah Clionsky: Like start coming up with a list of practical things you can do together, and this is your third step, right? Put the work on yourself. Don't leave it up to them. You know, here's some ideas. One that tweens and tweens seem to love is going to Starbucks and hanging out there for 10 minutes. You don't have to hang out all day, right?
[00:16:18] Leah Clionsky: These can be small things. You're going to go to Target and pick up some decorations. You're gonna get ice cream. You could walk the dog. You could watch your teen play video games or join them. You could watch YouTube or TikTok that's interesting to them. You could bake something together. Start thinking about some activities that you know they would like.
[00:16:40] Leah Clionsky: Pick them in your Teener tweens interest, not in yours. And then you're gonna invite them to that thing and you wanna be direct about how much you like them. You be the vulnerable one. You can model what it is like to ask someone to hang out with you, and it's okay if they say no. So I think you're great.
[00:17:00] Leah Clionsky: I wanna spend some more time with you, just us. Here are two activities I was considering. Which one should we do this weekend? Just go and invite them. The very worst thing that will happen is that they'll say No. And then you just ask again later. You don't give up because they do want to hang out with you.
[00:17:19] Leah Clionsky: They just might not want to do that activity, or they might not wanna do it right at that time, or they may not understand that you were directly communicating how much you care about them. So here are the tips. You're going to think that they want to hang out with you. You're going to listen to the things that they say for signs that they're asking you to hang out, even if they're hidden signs.
[00:17:42] Leah Clionsky: And if you pick up on it, you're gonna jump on that right away. And the third thing you're gonna do is you're going to start thinking about activities that they would enjoy doing. And you're gonna start just planning things with them. You're gonna take the work onto yourself because if you start hanging out regularly.
[00:18:01] Leah Clionsky: Your relationship will grow. Okay, so in a follow up episode, I'm going to talk with you about what to actually do during the hangout. What to do if things get awkward ways of talking with them, that will get them comfortable having a good conversation with you. So we'll talk about the actual hangout or the communication in another episode, but this is just how you get the process started.
[00:18:25] Leah Clionsky: Just get this process of hanging out with them happening. So I am so excited that you are here and that we are talking about this subject. If you realize I really need to connect with my team, there's been a lot of things going on in our relationship. We do have family therapy at Thriving Child Center, so you can always come see us if you feel like things have just gotten really derailed and you want our help.
[00:18:49] Leah Clionsky: So that's an option for you. And again, if you feel like your emotions get really big and you can't stay calm during your teens. Developmentally appropriate pushback. We do have that calm and connected program for parents that you can join that's virtual. It's in almost every single state in the United States, so you can join that program and we'll work with you on what to do when your feelings get overwhelming.
[00:19:14] Leah Clionsky: But again, I'm so excited that you listened. I hope it was fun for you to hear me talk about teens and tweens. And not just the itty bitties. And I hope you have an absolutely wonderful day. Thanks again for spending time with me on Educated Parent. If this episode helped you feel more confident in handling those parenting curve balls, hit follow.
[00:19:36] Leah Clionsky: So you never miss an episode. Know a parent who's stuck in the endless cycle of conflicting advice. Send this their way because we all deserve parenting strategies we can actually trust and hey. If you have a minute, leave a review. Your support helps other parents find real expert backed solutions instead of just another opinion online.
[00:19:57] Leah Clionsky: One last quick reminder. This podcast offers general advice, but every family is different. The advice offered in this podcast is not medical advice and is not appropriate for every family. If you need personalized parenting support, connect with an experienced clinician at Thriving Child Center or PCIT experts.
[00:20:19] Leah Clionsky: That's it for today. Thanks for listening, and I'll talk to you next time.