What If Parenting Trends Are Hurting Your Parental Relationship More Than Helping?
What If Parenting Trends Are Hurting Your Parental Relationship More Than Helping?
I’ve spent a lot of time watching parenting trends rise and fall on Instagram and TikTok. Some parents proudly wave the banner of gentle parenting, while others claim f around and find out parenting is the only way to get kids to listen. The truth is, none of these labels really capture what healthy, evidence-based parenting looks like in practice.
In this episode of The Educated Parent Podcast, I wanted to step away from the noise and talk honestly about what actually helps our kids and our parental relationship thrive. Parenting today is incredibly complex. We’re raising children in a world of smartphones, information overload, and constant judgment. Even with the best intentions, it’s easy to feel like we’re failing. But what I’ve seen again and again, both in my own life and in my clinical work, is that clarity comes when we stop chasing labels and start focusing on principles that work.
When Parenting Becomes an Identity
I avoided this topic for a long time because parenting trends can feel personal. Many parents identify deeply with their chosen style, whether it’s f around and find out parenting or gentle parenting. But when we start to see these approaches as our identity, it can make it hard to adapt or even ask for help.
As a psychologist, I see so many parents doing their absolute best. They read the books, watch the reels, follow the experts, but still feel like something isn’t working. That’s where I remind them: true evidence-based parenting isn’t about perfection. It’s about understanding your child, building connection, and teaching kids boundaries that actually help them feel safe and loved.
The Research That Still Holds True
Back in the 1960s, psychologist Diana Baumrind introduced the concept of parenting styles, describing how warmth and control interact to shape our children’s development. Decades later, her model still explains so much of what we see in modern families.
The gold standard, what most evidence-based parenting approaches aim for, is called authoritative parenting. This means high warmth and connection, paired with clear expectations and limits. Children raised with this balance tend to develop stronger emotional regulation, better social skills, and healthier self-esteem. In other words, this is the framework that strengthens your parental relationship over time.
When Boundaries Disappear
Here’s what I’ve noticed: many well-meaning parents interpret gentle parenting as never saying no. They fear that setting limits or giving consequences might damage their child’s emotional security. But in reality, teaching kids boundaries is one of the most loving things we can do.
When kids know where the limits are, they feel safe. Without boundaries, they push harder and harder, testing where the line is, until someone finally reacts in frustration. That’s when relationships get strained, and both parent and child feel disconnected. This is often what we see when f around and find out parenting emerges as a backlash to permissiveness: parents swing from being overly gentle to overly harsh. Neither extreme works.
How Evidence-Based Parenting Brings Balance
True evidence-based parenting isn’t about reacting; it’s about responding intentionally. It means:
Staying connected even when you’re setting limits.
Teaching kids boundaries through consistency and empathy.
Understanding that discipline means teaching, not punishing.
Recognizing that your own emotion regulation shapes your child’s.
When we apply these principles, our parental relationship becomes more stable and less reactive. We stop swinging between extremes and start feeling confident in how we show up for our kids.
The Three Questions I Ask Myself
Whenever I feel lost as a parent, I return to three core questions:
Am I being warm and emotionally attuned to my child?
Am I teaching kids boundaries in a way that’s clear, fair, and consistent?
Am I regulated enough to respond calmly and not react impulsively?
If I can answer yes to those, I know I’m practicing evidence-based parenting, no matter what the latest parenting trends say.
When You’re Struggling, You’re Not Alone
There’s no perfect parent, and every family’s dynamics are unique. If you’re feeling like your parental relationship is stretched thin or that parenting trends have left you confused, you’re not failing, you’re human. Sometimes, the best step forward is to get support that helps you reset and rebuild your confidence. That’s exactly why I created PCIT Experts and Thriving Child Center: to give parents access to real, research-based guidance that actually works.
Listen to the full episode of The Educated Parent Podcast to hear my full breakdown of f around and find out parenting, the role of warmth and control in evidence-based parenting, and practical ways of teaching kids boundaries that strengthen your parental relationship.
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[00:00:05] Leah: Welcome to the Educated Parent Podcast. I am your host, Dr. Leah Clionsky, and today we're going to have an episode that's a little bit different. Today, we're going to be talking about parenting trends, on those trends you're hearing all about. On Instagram and TikTok, we're gonna specifically be talking about.
[00:00:26] Leah: Gentle parenting and f around and find out parenting. Since everybody is discussing those concepts right now, a lot of people really identify with one of those parenting approaches, so we're gonna talk about that. And I'm also going to share with you the framework that I think of that creates the best parenting outcomes and that I personally work towards as a parent, and then I guide my clients towards as a clinician.
[00:00:58] Leah: And so don't worry, you'll get three strategies to walk away with. But this whole episode is a little bit different, 'cause normally I'm just trying to solve a specific parenting problem. Today, I feel like I'm trying to solve a parenting identity problem. So let's dive into what we're gonna talk about.
[00:01:14] Leah: So I have initially avoided really jumping into this topic because it's a little bit controversial. Parents have a lot of strength. Feelings, and if they've picked an approach, they're pretty protective. So I'm going to start off with a general caveat, and here's the caveat. I think every single parent listening to this podcast is doing their absolute best to be an amazing parent.
[00:01:39] Leah: And I think that parenting right now is just really. Really hard, like we just have so much information about everything and all things parenting. There's an influencer giving you their personal story or saying something encouraging or scary to you. On Instagram or TikTok, there's a huge amount of judgment about parenting in all communities.
[00:02:05] Leah: Basically, whatever you do, there's gonna be somebody who is mad at you about it. Also, I mean, we parented through a pandemic. We're parenting through smartphones and AI right now, like we're parenting through just kind of a, a hellscape of everybody being angry with each other and like huge political divides in our country, this is a hard time to be a human being, let alone a parent. So I think we're all just doing our best. So I just wanna really put that out there, that my goal here is not to make anybody feel bad about their parenting, and also, I'm not criticizing anyone who's ever come to me for parenting help, because it is really hard, and also, every single child is different.
[00:02:50] Leah: Their needs are different, and it's actually very common for a parent. To do something that works with many of their children. And then to have this one child who is temperamentally different, and they're like, everything else that I did worked with the other kids, but this kid just needs something more.
[00:03:07] Leah: They need a different set of eyes, they need a different approach, and that's what we often provide for them. So I don't want anyone to come from this podcast thinking that I've said something hurtful to them. So that is my big caveat. But now let's just talk about these parenting strategies. Personally, I feel like one of the wonderful things about being a child psychologist is that in my own life as a parent, I basically ignore all parenting trends. Like, I don't follow them for myself. I have a pretty clear framework for what I am going for as a parent, and I think that saves me a lot of angst.
[00:03:45] Leah: But the reason why I hear a lot about gentle parenting or F around Find Out and Parenting, which. I think it's been around as an idea for a while, but has reached like kind of new vision lately. I've heard. But that woman who pushed her child into the pond, we've all heard this story somewhere, and she's like, Aha, like gentle parenting was not working for him.
[00:04:06] Leah: So people ask me all the time, friends ask me, just strangers, if they find out I have this podcast or they find out I'm a child psychologist, immediately ask me about gentle parenting and do I agree with it? And clients come in with like identities around these parenting strategies. I think one thing to start off with is that, however gentle parenting was designed to be is probably not the iteration of gentle parenting that we are seeing on the internet right now.
[00:04:36] Leah: And. I don't think F around and find out parenting was designed to be anything. I think it's more of a joke and is sort of this idea, this response to gentle parenting, and this perception that gentle parenting is parenting without consequences, which is not what it is intended to be, but I think in a lot of cases is what it has become in practice when parents are really trying to be good parents.
[00:04:59] Leah: So before I talk a lot about. These parenting identities. I wanna tell you about the, like, the core parenting style that has been supported in the research since the 1960s, and since that time that has kind of been accepted as the core base of parenting, and then all these other studies. Have come out afterwards.
[00:05:21] Leah: So when you hear me talk about that, you're hearing me talk about Bain's parenting model. So, Bain was a researcher in the 1960s, and she came up with four general categories of parenting. Based around two variables, and these variables are warmth and control. So warmth is about your connectedness to your child.
[00:05:48] Leah: This is a concept that I think has actually probably changed a little bit in more modern times. And control, which can be about like how much do you expect your child to do what you say. But I also think nowadays can be interpreted more as like boundary setting. In some context though, it can be like harsh punishment.
[00:06:06] Leah: So it sort of depends upon the interpretation. And the idea is, is that how much of these things you use together determine your parenting style. And if you listen to the episode about Halloween. And finding a Halloween costume. You actually hear me bring up authoritative parenting. As an approach to kind of have in the back of your mind when you're facing a parenting problem.
[00:06:32] Leah: So let me explain to you these different styles of parenting that are well supported. So the gold standard of parenting, the parenting style that all parenting treatments are designed around. We're trying to achieve is Bain's authoritative parenting, which is very poorly named because it sounds a lot like authoritarian parenting, which is actually very harmful to children.
[00:06:55] Leah: So I wish she would've named it something else like. Good parenting and that would just make this entire thing easier and people would not get confused and fail their intro to psyche exams. But authoritative parenting is parenting with high warmth and connection and high control, although not in a like.
[00:07:16] Leah: Super punitive kind of way. So the idea is, is that children need to feel loved, connected, supported. Nowadays this usually comes with a lot of emotional literacy, so we're teaching kids about their feelings, how to identify their feelings, that their feelings are okay. We're showing our children that we love them, that we accept them, that um, we believe that they're good.
[00:07:41] Leah: We're that positive, mere reflecting back good things to our children. Because what we actually know is that when people feel truly okay with themselves and worthy, that's actually not where you see a lot of arrogance or narcissism. That's where you see someone who has security and then they can be open and supportive of other people.
[00:07:58] Leah: If you fear that secretly you're not very good, that's when you have to tell everyone that you're amazing in order to feel okay. There's that high warmth, and this is something that gentle parenting is really known for. Super high warmth. But then we also need to have boundaries in parenting, clear boundaries and limits.
[00:08:19] Leah: So that kids understand the framework of how to be in the family and also how to have relationships with us. Boundaries are good for human relationships. It is so nice to know. What somebody's limits are, because if we don't know what somebody's limits are, then we have to do one of two things. One thing that we can do is push and push and push and push and push until they set a limit, right?
[00:08:48] Leah: They lose it and they set a limit with us, or we push and push and push and push and push until they don't like us anymore. Or, I guess the third thing we do is that we are so afraid of upsetting that person that we don't even approach the limit. We're just, we don't know where the limit is, so we, we just stay back here because we're afraid we could upset them.
[00:09:07] Leah: Think about this, in a relationship you've had, maybe as an employee with a boss, imagine you're trying to figure out. How strict this person is about coming in on time. If they say to you, listen, sometimes people get stuck in traffic. You're supposed to be here at eight as long as you're here by eight 10.
[00:09:25] Leah: It's really fine with me. If you go over that, I'm gonna start being frustrated with you. But as long as you're here by that framework, you're not gonna get any sort of pushback from me. That's wonderful. Right? Then you are like, okay, I am trying to get there by eight. Oh, it's 8 0 6. I'm not panicking. That boundary, that clearly stated boundary makes you feel safe.
[00:09:44] Leah: But let's imagine you have a boss who just says, come in when you want to. So you're like, all right I guess I'm gonna show up at eight 15. All right I guess today I'm gonna show up at 8 0 6, I guess today I'm gonna show up at nine. Right? And you're just coming in at different times. And then one day they come down and they're like.
[00:10:00] Leah: It is eight 10, and you have been late every single day for the past three months, and it is unacceptable. You're like, wait a minute. Whoa. I did not know there was a boundary here, right? I had no idea that you were gonna get mad at me at this point. And that is because that person did not set that limit.
[00:10:20] Leah: And now you have this. Anxious relationship with them and you don't really know where any of the rules are, and that doesn't feel very good. You know that, or you might say to them, you never told me when I was supposed to be there. And if you have a very passive boss, maybe they just let you come in anytime and then eventually they fire you because they feel like you're not a good employee.
[00:10:42] Leah: But they never actually told you what the rules were. I actually had this happen to me in a friendship once. I had a really good friend whom I had been friends with for quite a while. This is when I was a young adult, and we'd been friends since high school, and I had a nickname for her that wasn't like a mean nickname.
[00:10:58] Leah: It was just like an abbreviation of her first name, I think, like Mare. And I was calling her Mare I thought this was fine. For years, probably called her this for like six years. And then one day I was like, Hey, mayor, and not her real name. And she was like, Leah, I hate that nickname. Why are you calling me that?
[00:11:19] Leah: I had no idea it bothered her. Like I thought this was totally fine. I thought this was fine. Our entire friendship up until that moment, and my guess is, is that it had never been fine. But she had never told me she'd never set a boundary. And actually pretty soon after that our friendship ended up falling apart.
[00:11:38] Leah: And my guess is that there were many things that I did in the context of that friendship that I thought were fine, that she did not think were fine, but she never told me. So it is hard in relationships without boundaries. You know where this can also come up with children is that if we don't have clear boundaries with them, then they don't know how to exist in the world.
[00:12:00] Leah: Right? And we can't take them anywhere, 'cause if we take them there, then they're out of control. So this goes into a style of parenting called permissive parenting, and that style of parenting is high warmth. But no boundaries, right? Their boundaries aren't there. Or if they are there, they're really not enforced.
[00:12:23] Leah: And this is what a lot of people think gentle parenting is. I don't think this is what gentle parenting was intended to be. I think gentle parenting, when it was originally coined, was supposed to be more authoritative. Parenting in practice, though, right? Going down through the internet. Through one of those games of, telephone, you remember playing those games as a kid where you whisper something on and on.
[00:12:49] Leah: I think often what it has become is permissive parenting because somehow this got combined with this idea that if you tell children no, then, like, you might be traumatizing them. Or if you set limits, you're traumatizing them. Or if you use consequences. That is safe, you are traumatizing them. And so I end up running into lots of parents who are like, I am really being warm, but when he hits me, I have nothing to do.
[00:13:18] Leah: I don't know what to do with that. If you notice, that's where some of my podcast episodes kind of come from, is parents just feeling really lost there because they don't wanna traumatize children and. I have so much empathy for that perspective. Right Here you are trying to be a great parent, trying to be warm, which is so important.
[00:13:37] Leah: And then being just so scared to set the limits because you're afraid that all your limits setting is going to be traumatic for your child. And that setting no, and having those boundaries is gonna be really difficult. So when people hate on gentle parenting. I think what they're hating on is the result of permissive parenting and the parents who are doing that, they don't even want to be doing that.
[00:14:02] Leah: They just feel scared. And usually if I end up working with them and I can say, you know what, would you like to set some limits around hitting so that it stops. They're like, what? I can do that? And I'm like, yes, we can do this. Like you can be like, I will help you do this in a way where we don't hurt your child and they're so relieved.
[00:14:19] Leah: Right? Because being in a situation where you can't set limits with your child is really hard. You end up. Either, putting up with a lot and then reacting like that pretend boss, where you just come back and scream at the employee, like it builds up, builds up, builds up, and then you end up being much harsher than you would've been at the start if you'd been able to set and enforce a limit at a lower level.
[00:14:41] Leah: Or you end up just disconnecting emotionally because you don't know what to do and you feel like your kids are out of control and you're not enjoying your time with them. And so at a certain point you just kind of don't wanna be there. And that's a really tough place. We don't want anybody to be in that sort of place.
[00:14:58] Leah: That's where I think a gentle parenting ends up looking I don't think that is the original intention. So if you're a gentle parent and that is not how you are gentle parenting, don't comfort me. I know what you're trying to do, but I think sometimes it is interpreted in this place of permissiveness.
[00:15:15] Leah: There is another style of parenting where we don't have very much warmth and we have a lot of punitive control, and that is authoritarian parenting. And that parenting style is just associated with so many negative outcomes for children. Usually in some cases children will be very high performers because they're terrified of punishment.
[00:15:36] Leah: So they'll like really listen and do what they're supposed to do. But in the end, that parenting relationship is usually really challenged and usually that child is struggling a lot with self-esteem and self-worth because they didn't receive that positive feedback that human beings really need. This is a place where F around and find out parenting could go theoretically depending upon how somebody's interpreting it.
[00:16:04] Leah: If they're like, huh, F around and find out, I'm kind of. I'm not gonna offer you very much warmth, but if you mess with me, you'll find out this could become an authoritarian parenting sort of relationship. Again, I think it's a response. I think it's a response to people not wanting their kids to push them to the point where they're just like being permissive.
[00:16:24] Leah: So theoretically F around and find out parenting could be authoritative. Parenting, that style we're going for if the boundaries are safe and you got warmth in there, but it could turn into this authoritarian parenting. It could also turn into neglectful parenting. So there is a style of parenting. If we're looking at these four general categories that bomber talks about, where you just kind of have, neither you're not warm, but you're also not I.
[00:16:55] Leah: You're also not punitive, so you're like just, you're just checked out. Like you're not providing much of anything. You're basically just letting your kids run completely wild, but you're not nurturing them either. And this obviously, as you can imagine, is not very good for kids either. Sometimes we kind of think about this as the, this is where we accuse people of being iPad parents.
[00:17:15] Leah: Where they're just like checked out and they're like, I will let screens raise my child. I don't think most people intend for things to be that way. Again, I'm not running around judging parents. If I'm out in public and I see your child on a iPad, I promise I'm not judging you. There are moments where that's really necessary, but I think that's, that's where that sort of fits into those models.
[00:17:33] Leah: If someone is just completely. Not parenting in any way. The idea here is that like natural consequences will teach your child. So you know, if you f around and find out, right? If I tell you not to ride your bike with your eyes closed and you do it anyway and you fall off your bike, well you found out.
[00:17:57] Leah: Right? So that's the idea of a natural consequence. The challenge with natural consequences, and honestly I could do a whole podcast episode just about this, is that natural consequences are often way harsher than any parent imposed consequences and like literally things that we would never want our children to go through.
[00:18:16] Leah: The natural consequence for running out into the street is being hit by a car. The natural consequence of touching a hot stove is giving yourself a potentially very dangerous burn, right? Like the natural consequence of messing with the dog when he's eating could be a bite to the face. We don't want our children to experience these natural consequences.
[00:18:40] Leah: We wanna interfere with a much more mild. Parent consequence before things ever get to that level. Because kids don't know what they're risking. They don't have the ability to know what could happen to them, and that's why we have to step in and help them out before they actually face real danger. In those kinds of natural consequence, there's a different natural consequence to your 13-year-old decided not to study for their test, and you're gonna just let them not study and then they can get that bad grade and see how it affects them.
[00:19:12] Leah: So I hope this has been helpful in just kind of thinking through how the Internet's interpretation of these parenting styles sort of map on to some of the core parenting approaches we're going for. Since I, my goal as a parent, as an imperfect parent. And as a clinician is to direct us towards a more authoritative parenting approach.
[00:19:40] Leah: Let me tell you the three things that I always consider and would have you consider when you're parenting. And this might be helpful so you don't have to identify so much as like, is this within gentle parenting, right? Is this around within f around and find out parenting? You can just. Be like, what does the research say is good for kids?
[00:20:00] Leah: So here's the question I ask myself. Am I being warm and attuned to my child and working towards emotional literacy? Am I helping 'em understand their feelings? Am I showing compassion for them? Am I showing caring for them? Am I connecting with them on a regular basis? Connection is really, really, really important and it's actually really hard to have limits setting if you don't have good solid connection.
[00:20:30] Leah: Now, am I always doing this perfectly? Personally, absolutely not. Right? Absolutely not. I really try. But, there are moments where I can say the wrong thing or when I am definitely jumping in with some negative feedback when I really needed to listen a little bit longer or where I'm just not in a great mood, so I'm not connecting or I'm, I just haven't made the right time.
[00:20:55] Leah: So this is not a perfect thing, but this is what I'm always like striving for is like more of this warmth and connection. The second one is, do I have clear boundaries and do I know what they are? And have I already thought about what the limits are and potential consequences if if these limits are being violated, like we have court rules in my house, for example, and one of them is you can't hit people, it's not tolerated at all, which probably doesn't surprise you if you've listened to my episode around hitting, right?
[00:21:26] Leah: So my kids really know that. But there are times where, I can get locked into a control battle, and I have to ask myself, am I like having a limit here that I'm reinforcing in a way that I feel good about? Or am I emotionally now involved in a conflict and I've just locked in and all I'm doing is increasing the intensity of a control battle that's unnecessary?
[00:21:51] Leah: Or have I set a consequence and now I'm tired and I don't feel like enforcing it, but I really need to. So that my kids trust me and they trust that the good things that I say will happen, and that also the, the consequences that I set will also happen. So I'm a trustworthy person to them. Sometimes it's hard to follow through with things.
[00:22:11] Leah: It's not very much fun and I have to check myself. Did like I, I did say this. Am I going to be consistent with it? What is the balance here? And the third thing that I think about is what is going on with my own emotion regulation? Because if I am really dysregulated emotionally myself, it is really hard for me to do the first two things right?
[00:22:36] Leah: If I am. Really upset. It's hard for me to put that aside and sit back and be warm with my kids, and it's definitely gonna be hard to set boundaries in a way that actually makes sense and aligns with my. Value system, I'm way more likely to impulsively react out of anger in ways that are not helpful.
[00:22:56] Leah: And I'm human. Like all of us can struggle with this at different times, especially if we're feeling overwhelmed. You can check out my, one of my early episodes about a time where I completely lost my cool in the morning routine and I realized the entire problem was my own emotion regulation. So that's the third part I'm always thinking about.
[00:23:16] Leah: Instead of asking myself, what is my parenting orientation? I'm always coming back to am I warm? Is that balanced? Do I have the limits I need, and do they make sense and are they fair and clearly communicated? And am I regulated enough to do these other things? Now if you're struggling in these moments, if you're having these challenges of parenting identity or you feel like it's not working the way you want it to, we can absolutely help you at Thriving Child Center and PCIT experts.
[00:23:49] Leah: If you have a young kid, two to seven, we'll probably have you do PCIT because that's where we're gonna teach you this framework, and PCIT is designed. To give you that high warmth and then those clear boundaries that are pre-thought out and not related to your emotional tone. So it's a really great framework for creating this more authoritative parenting style.
[00:24:11] Leah: But if you have an older kid, we can absolutely help you use the exact same principles or also tailor this to fit your family. Again, I'm talking in broad generalities here. Remember, I don't know anything about your specific family. So these are some general things to think about, but sometimes. See, like all kids and families are different.
[00:24:28] Leah: There are different cultural factors going into things that need to be considered. So we can help you a lot more with that one-on-one than I can in a very general podcast, giving you general thoughts and opinions that also come from me and my life experiences, which may not be yours. If you find that the problem is your regulation, if you're like, oh, I cannot stay calm, or I feel like I'm just not.
[00:24:54] Leah: Consistent in my own emotional reactions. We do have that calm connected group that you can join and it's all about how you can feel steady yourself as a parent. It's not teaching specifically parenting strategies. This one is all for you about feeling more connected to yourself, but it's with other parents who are, again, not judging you.
[00:25:15] Leah: Well, thank you again for joining me for this episode. I'm curious about your feedback. Remember the goal of this is for everybody to know that I think you're doing your best and I am excited to talk to you next time.