Involved Dads Raise Thriving Kids: Here’s How to Connect With Your Child Without Overthinking It with Dr. John Paul Abner
As a psychologist, mom, and host of the Educated Parent Podcast, I hear a lot of parenting questions - but there’s one that comes up again and again, especially for my colleague Dr. John Paul Abner: “I want to be more intentional as a dad, but I don’t know where to start.”
Dr. John Paul Abner and I chatted to hear his expert‑backed insight for dads - real, actionable, and stress‑free.
In this post, you’ll learn Dr. Abner’s best tips on how to connect with your child meaningfully, without guilt, overthinking, or performance pressure. Plus, he shares specific advice for dads that are fun, low‑pressure, and build lasting emotional bonds.
The Power of Presence: Why Involved Dads Matter
Research consistently shows that kids with involved dads are more confident, have better problem‑solving skills, and fare better emotionally. In one study, kids with active father involvement showed higher resilience during challenging transitions - like starting school. In another, those same kids had lower anxiety and more empathy .
But here’s the catch: involved dads often don’t feel “qualified.” They see moms as the nurturing default, or they fear messing it up. Add to that a culture of polarized parenting advice - and you’ve got dads backing off rather than stepping in.
If you recognize this, please know: your intention to be involved already sets you apart. And with a few simple shifts, you can transform everyday moments into strong emotional connections.
The Mindset Shift: Avoiding the “All or Nothing” Trap
One big theme I hear for dads is, “I want to be more present, but I worry I’m intruding - or I don’t have the time to do it ‘right.’” Sound familiar? This “all or nothing” mindset can freeze us out. True connection doesn’t require perfection. It needs consistency and care.
If you’re wondering how to connect with your child, start small:
Carving out five minutes of uninterrupted attention each day is better than waiting for a perfect hour.
Share one snack, one “how was your day,” or one quick joke before bedtime.
Then let it be enough. Your child will feel seen - and that feeling compounds over time.
That, in a nutshell, is one of the best pieces of advice for dads: be present, even imperfectly.
Three Simple Activities for Dads That Build Bonding
Let’s talk tactics. When dads ask for ideas, Dr. Abner shares three powerful, research‑supported activities for dads you can do in everyday life.
1. Throw your children
Yes, you read that right.
Dr. Abner literally means tossing, spinning, roughhousing, and play-wrestling - what he affectionately calls a “super-charged hug.”
It may sound strange, but this kind of physical connection is packed with developmental benefits. Gentle, energetic play:
Activates kids’ proprioceptive and vestibular systems (translation: it helps their bodies and brains regulate)
Builds trust - being caught in the air teaches kids they’re safe and supported
Supports emotional growth by helping kids learn boundaries, risk, and confidence
One big caveat? Don’t try this after dinner unless you’re emotionally prepared for midair macaroni. Dr. Abner jokes that one of his kids once puked directly into his mouth during a well-intentioned airplane ride. (A parenting badge of honor?)
Gross-out factor aside, this kind of playful physicality is one of the most overlooked tools for dads wondering how to connect with your child - and yes, it works wonders for moms and other caregivers too.
2. Do things beside your children
Ever noticed how good conversations happen while doing dishes, walking, or building something together? This is no accident. When you're not face‑to‑face:
Kids feel less “on display” and more relaxed
Conversation flows naturally - no need for “big talk”
It’s a rhythm you can build into any day
Some of my favorite examples of activities for dads are as simple as:
Filling up the dog’s bowl together
Walking to the mailbox
Gathering laundry
Building a Lego project or puzzle
These everyday tasks become opportunities to connect - and they don’t require planning, special skills, or time.
3. Go outside
We talk a lot about screen time - but less about green time. Studies show that going outdoors:
Reduces cortisol (the stress hormone)
Improves mood, attention, and self‑regulation
Boosts creativity
You don’t need a mountain hike. For involved dads, a 15‑minute backyard game, a Frisbee toss, or sunset stroll is enough. It gives space to breathe - and gives kids permission to ask questions, share goals, or decompress quietly.
Putting It All Together: A Sample Day For Dads
Let’s bring this home with a practical - but flexible - daily routine that honors time, emotion, and learning.
Morning connection: Over breakfast, have your child help you pour the milk - invite mini‑conversations.
Midday check‑in: Walk the dog together - ask about school or sharing feelings.
Afternoon play: After school or work, grab 10 minutes for a backyard rough‑and‑tumble session.
Evening side‑by‑side task: Cook together, build a puzzle, fold laundry - focus on being present, not perfect.
Nightcap moment: Before bedtime, read a story, add a hug, and say something you appreciated about them that day.
Think of it as advice for dads laid out in a usable way - a blueprint rooted in intentional, real‑world connection that doesn’t leave you feeling overwhelmed.
Overcoming Barriers - Mistakes You’ll Learn & Recover From
Here’s the truth: you will mess up. You’ll try a rough‑and‑tumble move that’s too rough. You’ll ask a chore question and your child shrugs off. But that’s okay. Growth isn’t perfect - it’s incremental.
Here are common stumbles - and what you can do differently:
I feel awkward engaging physically: Start slow: wobble, gently swing - until you're both in sync.
Nothing feels natural in side-by-side: Adjust proximity: walk slightly behind, stand near for safety - reduce direct eye contact.
Limited time?: Even two minutes count: “Dad time” over the sink, in the car, at bedtime.
And if self-doubt creeps in - lean on advice for dads like this: empathy, curiosity, and willingness matter more than technique.
Why This Matters: For You, For Your Child, For Your Family
For dads: You become the kind of parent your child remembers - instead of the dad who “worked late again.”
For your child: Emotional stability, communication, and joy grow stronger with every moment of presence.
For your marriage/family: When both partners feel supported in their roles, it reduces conflict, increases cohesion, and models healthy relationships for kids.
Investing in this version of fatherhood isn’t just good - it’s essential. And yes - you can do it without overthinking or spiraling.
Real Advice for Dads You Can Start Today
Pick one activity for a week: maybe it’s rough‑and‑tumble or evening puzzles. Notice the energy it brings.
Communicate with your partner: share what you’re trying. Invite feedback!
Adjust expectations: there’s beauty in simplicity. You don’t need epic weekend adventures - daily doses of connection are enough.
Ready to Lean In?
If you’ve ever wondered how to connect with your child in a way that’s emotionally attuned, stress‑free, and sustainable - you’re not alone. These strategies are designed for dads who want clarity, not confusion; connection, not chaos.
In our full episode, Dr. John Paul Abner and I dive deeper into:
Why so many dads feel uncertain about how to build relationships with their kids - and advice for dads to shift from doubt to confident connection
Three specific activities for dads that build confidence and attachment
Practical, low-pressure tips for how to connect with your child even when time is tight
Press play on this episode and let’s step together into parenthood that leaves both of you better than it found you - more confident, more connected, more alive.
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[00:00:00] John Paul Abner: Kids who have father involvement tend to do really well, and so it's good to get dads involved. A lot of times in our culture, dads are downplayed and I really like to empower fathers to be a tremendous part of their children's day-to-day life.
[00:00:17] Leah Clionsky: You are listening to Educated Parent the Parenting Podcast, where I teach you realistic expert parenting hacks to solve your everyday parenting problems.
[00:00:28] Leah Clionsky: So that you can reduce your stress, build your confidence as a parent, and raise thriving children. My name is Dr. Leah Clionsky and I'm a licensed clinical psychologist, owner of Thriving Child Center and PCIT experts, child psychology practices, and a real life parent of two young children. I am the same as you.
[00:00:49] Leah Clionsky: I am invested in being the best parent possible and raising thriving children. I also get overwhelmed. I make mistakes and I forget what works. I do have three unique parenting advantages that you may not have a PhD in. Child clinical psychology, over 15 years of clinical experience working with families and a network of other experts that I can text for parenting advice whenever I'm lost.
[00:01:14] Leah Clionsky: I'm here to bring my expertise and my expert network to you so that we can solve your everyday parenting dilemmas together. I am so glad you're here. Welcome to the Educated Parent Podcast. I am your host, Dr. Leah Clionsky, and I am so thrilled about the guests that I have today and the topic that we're going to discuss today, and that is because it is something that comes up all of the time.
[00:01:41] Leah Clionsky: When I work with families, and it's a question that dads actually ask me. So often when I'm talking with dads, they say to me, I really care about my child. I really wanna connect with my child, but I feel a little bit lost. What are specific strategies that I can do as a dad that will help me build a really strong relationship?
[00:02:02] Leah Clionsky: And so that's why I brought on my amazing guest, Dr. John Paul Abner, who is also a friend and mentor to me for the past 18 years. Which probably makes us both feel very old just to think about. So, John Paul Abner graduated from the University of Florida with a PhD in clinical Psychology in 1996, where he had the honor of studying under Dr.
[00:02:24] Leah Clionsky: Sheila Eiberg, creator of PCIT, a professor in psychology at Milligan University. He's one of 21 people in the world who's been designated as a parent-Child Interaction Therapy, PCIT, global Trainer by PCIT International. He has conducted research on the application of PCIT to children with autism spectrum disorders.
[00:02:47] Leah Clionsky: He is the director of PCIT training for the East Tennessee State University Center of Excellence for Children in State Custody, where he helps coordinate a statewide PCIT dissemination effort to help children in the foster care system. He favors a highly interactive style of presentation, which features storytelling games.
[00:03:06] Leah Clionsky: Unintentional physical humor and prizes of minimal value. So I am so lucky to have JP here. Welcome to the show.
[00:03:13] John Paul Abner: Oh, I'm very happy to be here. This is gonna be a lot of fun, Leah.
[00:03:16] Leah Clionsky: Oh yeah. We're definitely gonna have fun. And we have to watch ourselves because JP and I both like to talk especially, we
[00:03:21] John Paul Abner: like to talk a lot.
[00:03:21] John Paul Abner: Yeah, we
[00:03:22] Leah Clionsky: do. We do. But we have to keep this short enough so you can walk home with tips. So before we jump into strategies and you learn all about JP as a dad, which is very relevant, I do want to give a really good disclaimer to this episode. So this is an episode where we're going to be talking about dads specifically in parenting, but we are in no way suggesting that dads.
[00:03:46] Leah Clionsky: Are the only right kind of family to have. So we are validating all different family styles, single mom families, two mom families, grandparents, caregivers, families with no identified dad in the picture are all valid families. We're also not saying that moms and other caregivers can't use the things we're gonna talk about today.
[00:04:07] Leah Clionsky: We're also not saying that all dads feel like they need extra strategies here. Some dads feel very confident in connecting with their kids, but there are enough dads. They come to me, and I know that a lot of them come to John Paul and they ask us this question, and so that's what this episode is all about, right, jp?
[00:04:25] John Paul Abner: Yeah. And just doubling down on that a minute, I, I think that when you're talking about dads, there's a tremendous amount of research out there about having an involved father is very helpful for a child's development and kids who have father involvement. Tend to do really well, and so it's good to get dads involved.
[00:04:44] John Paul Abner: I'm a big believer in the power of Dads, which doesn't mean that I'm not a believer in the power of moms. I just strongly believe that a lot of times in our culture, dads are downplayed and the roles that fathers take is sort of downplayed in our culture, and I really like to empower fathers to be. A tremendous part of their children's day-to-day life.
[00:05:06] Leah Clionsky: Do you find at JP that like dads sometimes think that they're not important, that they've kind of gotten this cultural message that they're not integral to their child's development?
[00:05:16] John Paul Abner: Yeah. I think that, I mean, even if you look at a lot of the research and developmental psychology, you'll find that a lot of that research is oriented towards moms.
[00:05:25] John Paul Abner: And so even in the scientific community, I think sometimes dads feel a little downgraded, if that makes sense. And you know, you look at like popular sitcoms and dads are typically either promoted either as sort of hyper-masculine wrestlers or as complete Ds, and very rarely do you get the good dads that are kind of in the middle of that,
[00:05:47] Leah Clionsky: right?
[00:05:47] Leah Clionsky: You're thinking about like the Homer Simpsons of the world. Uh huh.
[00:05:50] John Paul Abner: Get the homer symptoms versus the whole Hogans there. There tends to be that kind of false dichotomy that gets out there.
[00:05:57] Leah Clionsky: Yeah, I hadn't thought about that, but that's so accurate if that's the role models you're seeing. Mm-hmm. If you're a dad, then you're like, where do I fit in when I wanna be connected?
[00:06:04] Leah Clionsky: And different either of those models. Well, jp, since you're an educated parent, do you wanna tell us about your, your job as a parent, what that's like for you and your family?
[00:06:15] John Paul Abner: You know, first of all, I think everybody listening to this podcast should immediately feel sorry for my children because they were raised by a child psychologist, myself and my wife's a pediatric speech language pathologist.
[00:06:26] John Paul Abner: So you've got two people who work with kids and my poor children, since I teach child development developmental psychology, they have stories told about them all over the world. Some of them are even true stories and so you gotta feel a little sorry for my children, but I. I have wanted to be a dad since I was a teenager.
[00:06:45] John Paul Abner: I love being a dad and I'm blessed with three amazing kids who are all just lovely human beings. And so it's just, it's just a lot of, a lot of fun being a dad.
[00:06:56] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. I like hear you talk about, you know, your kids and like being their dad and it's just obvious always how much you really enjoy them and really enjoy that role with them.
[00:07:05] John Paul Abner: Mm-hmm. It's like fatherhood is definitely just an awesome blessing. Love being a dad.
[00:07:10] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. Oh, I love hearing you talk about it. I love your kids' stories. So if dads are feeling this like disconnection, you know, are there other reasons that you think dads are feeling that way other than just the role modeling on tv?
[00:07:25] John Paul Abner: Yeah, I think in part, I. That dads a lot of times feel disconnected because they're being taught by current popular culture that whatever they do is wrong. Right? If they are raising their children up to be very masculine, well that's wrong. If they're raising their children up to be very empathic, well, that's wrong.
[00:07:46] John Paul Abner: You know, it's like. Somebody out there is telling, no matter what you're doing, somebody out there is telling you that you're doing it wrong. And I think that because of sort of our very, very divided culture that we currently live in, people get the message that if you don't do it this way, then you're definitely doing it wrong and you're going to tragically break your children.
[00:08:06] John Paul Abner: Or if you don't do it this way, you're doing it wrong and you're gonna tragically break your children. And one of the things about. Men in many cultures is that men tend to be sort of afraid of making mistakes. And so as a result, if I do this and it's wrong, if I do this and it's wrong, then I'm just gonna choose to do nothing and I'm just gonna back out.
[00:08:26] John Paul Abner: And I think that you see a fair amount of that backing out that goes on in the culture. And I, quite honestly, I think a lot of it is fear based. I think that a lot of it is that dads are afraid. To mess up their kid. So they go, okay, mom, you raise the kid, and I'll just hang out in the background so that I don't do anything wrong.
[00:08:43] John Paul Abner: And I'm a big believer that there's a big swath of stuff that you can do that's going to be an okay way to raise your kid, and that's gonna be very beneficial for your kid. And I think so often we're so worried about what are we gonna do wrong? That we forget that the most important thing that we can do is build relationships with our children.
[00:09:05] John Paul Abner: The research on this is really strong, that the more strongly the attached a child is, and the more attachments that a child has, the better. They're going to do both physical health and psychological health as they get older. And so having that strong relationship with their mom, having that strong relationship with their dad, having a strong relationship with any extended caregiver is just so really important.
[00:09:28] Leah Clionsky: I think that's such an interesting point that it's just, it's really hard to be a parent in 2025. The message that you are doing things wrong is all over the place. But then this additional message to dads in particular, like, you're probably gonna mess up and then becoming so scared of making the mistake that you just, you know, take yourself out of the picture when what you really need to be is really in the picture.
[00:09:50] Leah Clionsky: Exactly. Sounds like what you're saying. So comforting and reassuring to hear as a parent.
[00:09:55] John Paul Abner: And the reality is, you know, if, if you were to say, okay, what's the top tip that I can give to dads? And, and this goes for any caregiver, and that's real simple. Spend time, build relationship, even when that can be difficult.
[00:10:07] John Paul Abner: You know, I have two children that we have a lot of very similar interests. I have one child who is very different in personality and interest, and it's one of those things that you have to be a little bit more intentional with your child that may have very different interests than you.
[00:10:22] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. I love that.
[00:10:23] Leah Clionsky: So our, the take home message of today is that building relationships with your kids is extremely important.
[00:10:29] John Paul Abner: Mm-hmm. Yeah. And it's not that hard, you know, I mean, I think that's the other thing. It's like sometimes we make it seem like, oh, I think our field go, oh, if you do this. This is how you build relationships and you must do it this way when the reality is, is that there's a tremendous number of ways to build relationships with your kids and whatever that is, as long as it's positive, those relationships are gonna be really important.
[00:10:52] Leah Clionsky: Alright, well I love this. So this is the perfect segue into giving our listeners. Some really specific strategies. So what's your first big strategy, John Ball?
[00:11:01] John Paul Abner: Alright, well I, as a storyteller, I always like to start off with something to grab somebody's attention and maybe even start off a little controversial to kind of get the ball rolling.
[00:11:12] John Paul Abner: So my first tip, throw your children. What? Yeah. Throw your children, and what I mean by throw your children is there's a lot of research out there that rough and tumble play is something that really helps build confidence and appropriate assertiveness in children. And interesting enough, rough and tumble play, especially by fathers, tends to have this really positive effect.
[00:11:37] John Paul Abner: And so when I'm talking about throwing your children, I'm literally talking about when your children are at that, you know. 12 to 18 month old stage or up till about their three or four. It's like you just pick them up, form 'em there and you catch them. Catching is very important, but you, you throw and catch them.
[00:11:53] John Paul Abner: You do the thing where you spin them around and around. It's great for their proprioceptive senses. It's great for you as a dad to keep your vestibular system healthy. So you spin, you throw, you wrestle. Some of my favorite memories is my children when they were about eight and 10 trying to dunk me in the pool and, you know, and so I would, I would have up to three kids trying to get me under the water and it was a very valiant effort and sometimes they succeeded.
[00:12:24] John Paul Abner: Uh, you know, and I, I remember, you know, by the time they got to be, especially my boys, by the time they got to be 12 and 13 or 14, then it was, you know, sort of man imano who can get you under the water. And then by the time they were 18, I stopped it because they were hurting me. I. But anyway, you know, it's just, it's like both my boys are bigger than me and so, uh, I, I, I kind of bowed out at about 17, 18, but it's like, you know, you engage in that rough and tumble play.
[00:12:52] John Paul Abner: You don't be afraid to jump on the trampoline with your kids. You don't be afraid to toss 'em in the air when they are little bitties, you know, you do the airplane game right when they are about four or five months old. You kind of lay on your back and you fly them up above your chest, you know, you're kind of bench pressing your child.
[00:13:09] John Paul Abner: And that builds connection. It builds confidence, it helps with the vestibular system. It's just a great thing to do. Now, I will give the pro tip of you should probably not do this right after they've eaten. Oh, my grossest point in a parent as I was like. Doing the little airplane game and I was going, we woo woo.
[00:13:31] John Paul Abner: And about the third we, John Philip puked in my mouth.
[00:13:35] Leah Clionsky: Oh no.
[00:13:36] John Paul Abner: Oh yeah. From about, you know, I had fairly long arms. It was about from a like, you know, two feet up. And so just imagine child vomit coming into your mouth from a. About three feet it, it hit the back of my throat. It was really disgusting.
[00:13:51] Leah Clionsky: I really hope none of our audience has been eating breakfast during this conversation.
[00:13:56] John Paul Abner: Should have given a disclaimer. This is about gross story disclaimer.
[00:14:00] Leah Clionsky: Yeah, yeah. But
[00:14:01] John Paul Abner: yeah. But I think sometimes. Dads are afraid to get physical with their kids. And the reality is, is that physicality is really important. Now, at the same time, you don't want to over physical kids, right? You don't wanna hurt them.
[00:14:16] John Paul Abner: You don't want to tickle them till they cry. You don't want to, uh, in fact, I'm not a big fan of tickling at all. But you don't want to be too rough with your kids. Is there gonna be a time when you're accidentally too rough with your kid? Absolutely. I think I've made all three of my children cry at some point when I didn't mean to, but I would still think it's important to engage in that kind of rough and tumble play with your kids so that they have that confidence as they go out in life.
[00:14:40] Leah Clionsky: So like, throw your kids and be careful not to hurt them at the same time. Absolutely respect, respect them, and also. Be brave, feel like you can engage with them because it's really good for you to have that connection.
[00:14:51] John Paul Abner: Exactly. And it's one of those things that, you know, it also gives you practice and them practice in saying hey and defining their boundaries.
[00:14:59] John Paul Abner: Mm-hmm. And then you as a parent have to listen to that. Two of my kids were very, very comfortable with physical touch and, and you know, sort of wrestling. One was a little more timid. And so when the child was a little more timid, said, Hey, it's enough. I have to stop as the parent, and so you can teach your kids how to draw up those boundaries.
[00:15:17] Leah Clionsky: I love that, that boundary setting. All right, so first tip, throw your kids. Second tip.
[00:15:22] John Paul Abner: Second tip is do things beside your children. We often think about, I. Talking to our children at the kitchen table, which is great. You know, research on family meals together is incredibly impressive. A lot of kids do better, not across from you, but next to you.
[00:15:40] John Paul Abner: So when they are little build puzzles together, as they grow up, you build the Pinewood Derby cars together, you. Play alongside them. Even video games in short bursts can be a really nice thing to play with your kid with. So doing things beside them, coming along beside what they are interested in and doing things alongside them can be really important.
[00:16:04] John Paul Abner: Doing chores alongside your children. Really important to do because a lot of times you will get those really good conversations, not when you're across from people, but when you are side by side.
[00:16:19] Leah Clionsky: That's so interesting, that positioning.
[00:16:21] John Paul Abner: Mm-hmm.
[00:16:22] Leah Clionsky: Like it's. Where you're standing or sitting, which is not something I would think about right away at all.
[00:16:27] John Paul Abner: Right? I'm a big believer in taking walks together. My family are all hikers and I live in an area where you can hike really easily and that ability to walk side by side or a lot of times on the at walking about three feet behind. But that ability to walk side by side allows you to communicate with people, but not have sort of that direct eye to eye confrontation.
[00:16:48] John Paul Abner: And so it allows you to talk a little bit more and process a little more. And if something comes up that's really uncomfortable, you're moving. And you know, there's some research that walking does help us to regulate. And so you can regulate. As you are, you can regulate your emotions as you're walking next to each other.
[00:17:08] John Paul Abner: I know this isn't a marital podcast, but that's one of my biggest pieces of marital advice is take walks with your spouse. Just because walking next to each other is just a great way to communicate. So big believer in doing things right beside your kids. That is not only play, which I'm a huge believer and I'm a huge believer in playing with your kids, but that's also doing chores, raking leaves beside your kids, setting the table beside your kids, cooking beside your kids.
[00:17:35] John Paul Abner: I've gone 10 minutes into a podcast and I haven't bragged on my children yet. So all three of my kids are great cooks. All three of my kids can cook. And one of the reasons why they can cook is because Pam was very good when it was her turn to cook to say, Hey kids, would you like to come to the kitchen and help me cook?
[00:17:55] John Paul Abner: Or do you wanna help dad do the dishes? And they all chose to cook for some reason. So they've learned how to cook sort of side by side. I was not brave enough to have the children cook when I cooked, you know? But that Pam coming beside them to cook is one of the things that really helped teach them to cook.
[00:18:10] John Paul Abner: So, coming beside folks, re Incredibly helpful.
[00:18:13] Leah Clionsky: So you're coming beside, I know you have a third tip.
[00:18:17] John Paul Abner: Oh, third tip. Real simple. Go outside. We as a culture have become more and more focused on indoor entertainment. Or when we are outside, it is in this highly structured environment such as sports. We know from the research that going outside helps kids manage their anxiety.
[00:18:39] John Paul Abner: It actually fights against depression. I. And so I'm a huge believer in just getting outside with kids and getting outside and however you like to do it. You know, there's some of us that like to canoe and kayak and hike and that kind of stuff. There's others that you don't have those kind of opportunities or you don't like that.
[00:18:57] John Paul Abner: Well, maybe going outside for you is gardening or working in your yard. Maybe going outside for you is your, you're in an. Urban environment. So going outside is taking a walk in the park or throwing a Frisbee or shooting hoops or playing soccer, whatever, doesn't matter. Get outside.
[00:19:15] Leah Clionsky: One thing I'm hearing you talk about in all of the tips is that you're mentioning things that you also personally enjoy as a human, right?
[00:19:22] Leah Clionsky: Right. It's like, like I want a rough house with my kids. I want to do this activity alongside my kids that I also enjoy. I want to do the dad outside activity that I also want. So it sounds like what you're saying is. It's fine if it like is something you like too, if it's your interest as a dad as well.
[00:19:39] John Paul Abner: Absolutely. I think that introducing kids to things that you love. One, there's a chance that they may grow to love that too. And then if they don't, you know, you come alongside what they're interested in. But you expose your kids to things that you love. So for example, all of my kids, both Pam and I, love to be outdoors.
[00:19:58] John Paul Abner: We love to hike, we love to camp. All of our kids love the outdoors and uh, and are all much more avid backpackers and campers than I ever was. Uh, but they have taken that love. At the same time. Recognize that just because you love something. Doesn't mean that your children are going to love it. Uh, I'm a basketball and volleyball player.
[00:20:18] John Paul Abner: Love basketball, love volleyball. All of my children are tall. All of my children are pretty athletic. None of them chose basketball or volleyball. Now, it breaks my heart a little bit. Okay. You know, you always say, oh, whatever my children want to do, I'm gonna support, but at least one of them can choose the sport that I love.
[00:20:36] John Paul Abner: Right. You know? But, uh, but the reality is, is. Different people have different interests. So you introduce those interests, some of them will stick and that's what you do. Some of them they're not gonna like, and then you just have to give that up a little bit and say, okay, you're not gonna be a basketball player even though you're six five and have a 42 inch vert.
[00:20:55] John Paul Abner: We still love you and you know, you can go on your 200 mile hikes on the at because that's what you love to do. And I will join you for part of those hikes. Right? So
[00:21:06] Leah Clionsky: I love this. I feel like this is really helpful and very practical advice for the dads who are listening right now. I. So I'm just gonna remind you of the tips that Dr.
[00:21:16] Leah Clionsky: Abner talked about. The first one is throw your kids, but safely. The second tip is come alongside your kids, and the third one is go outside with your kids. You know, and just this message of. It's okay. You don't have to be perfect as you're doing these things, I think is so reassuring
[00:21:34] John Paul Abner: with all three of those tips.
[00:21:36] John Paul Abner: I think the final thing is whether it's cultural, whether it's biological, I have no idea, but I think that US dads do have to be more intentional. I think that dads have to intentionally decide that they're gonna spend time with their kids and they're gonna make that a priority, and they're gonna make that a goal that they're going to achieve.
[00:21:57] John Paul Abner: Because I think that that intentionality is not there. It's really easy to get wrapped up and, oh, I've got this to do and I've got this to do, and I've got this to do. And so I think as a dad, I intentionally want to be a good dad to my kids. That's one of my goals in life. I intentionally want to be a good husband for Pam.
[00:22:17] John Paul Abner: That is one of my goals in life. And so I have this really significant intentionality. And I don't always succeed at being a good dad or, uh, a good partner for Pam, but I really have that as one of my goals. And I think that for dads it's important to say, this is one of my goals that I wanna achieve.
[00:22:39] John Paul Abner: Wanna be a good dad, wanna be a good husband, wanna be a good partner. I want to value the relationships and make that a priority in my life.
[00:22:49] Leah Clionsky: I love that. I think that is so useful. Well, John Paul, I am so excited that you joined us on the podcast today. I'm sure that everything you're saying is so helpful to dads.
[00:22:59] Leah Clionsky: Where can people reach you if they want to connect with you?
[00:23:03] John Paul Abner: Oh my goodness. It's like I am horrible at getting connected to, I do not have a web presence. I don't do social media, interestingly enough. And so I try to avoid the social media thing. If you are desperate to get in touch with me, you can contact me by email and you can find me on the Milligan University website.
[00:23:22] John Paul Abner: Alice Abernathy resigned a couple of years ago, so now I'm number one on the faculty list. So you just popped a faculty, you'll find me. I'm the first person on the list.
[00:23:31] Leah Clionsky: We'll put a link in the show notes. Again, John Paul, thank you so much for being here and talking to our dads.
[00:23:38] John Paul Abner: Yeah, you're welcome.
[00:23:40] Leah Clionsky: Thanks again for spending time with me on Educated Parent if this episode helped you feel more confident in handling those parenting curve balls. Hit follow. So you never miss an episode. Know a parent who's stuck in the endless cycle of conflicting advice. Send this their way because we all deserve parenting strategies we can actually trust.
[00:24:02] Leah Clionsky: And hey, if you have a minute, leave a review. Your support helps other parents find real expert back solutions instead of just another opinion online. One last quick reminder. This podcast offers general advice, but every family is different. The advice offered in this podcast is not medical advice and is not appropriate for every family.
[00:24:24] Leah Clionsky: If you need personalized parenting support, connect with an experienced clinician at Thriving Child Center or PCIT experts. That's it for today. Thanks for listening, and I'll talk to you next time.