How to Avoid Toxic Masculinity and Build Emotional Literacy in Boys With Kristin Mervich
How to Avoid Toxic Masculinity and Build Emotional Literacy in Boys
As a psychologist and parenting expert, I talk with parents every week who are doing their very best and still wondering if they are getting it right. One of the most common themes I hear is about trusting yourself while raising boys in a world that often sends confusing messages about emotions, strength, and masculinity. Parents want confident parenting tools that feel grounded in evidence-based parenting, not fear or shame.
In this episode of the Educated Parent Podcast, I sat down with Kristin Mervich to talk about how we can avoid toxic masculinity while building emotional literacy in boys. Kristin is not only a therapist and business owner, but she is also a mother navigating extraordinary challenges with honesty and clarity. Her perspective as a parenting expert brings depth to this conversation about raising emotionally healthy boys.
Why Emotional Literacy Matters for Boys
Emotional literacy is the ability to identify, understand, and express emotions in a healthy way. When boys are discouraged from talking about feelings, it can lead to emotional shutdown, anger, or shame. Avoiding toxic masculinity does not mean raising boys without strength. It means raising boys who know that emotions are part of being human.
From an evidence-based parenting perspective, emotional literacy supports better mental health, stronger relationships, and improved self-regulation. Boys who can name their feelings are better able to cope with stress and communicate their needs. This is one of the most important gifts we can give our children.
Avoiding Toxic Masculinity Starts at Home
Toxic masculinity often shows up quietly. It can sound like telling boys to toughen up, stop crying, or handle things on their own. Avoiding toxic masculinity means intentionally creating space for emotions and modeling healthy expression.
Kristin shared how trusting yourself as a parent is key here. When parents feel confident in their values, they are less likely to default to outdated messages about masculinity. Confident parenting allows you to pause and ask, what does my child actually need in this moment?
As a parenting expert, I often remind families that avoiding toxic masculinity is not about perfection. It is about consistency and connection. Every time you validate your child’s feelings, you are strengthening their emotional literacy.
Trusting Yourself as a Parent
Many parents struggle with self-doubt. Trusting yourself can feel especially hard when cultural expectations clash with your instincts. Kristin spoke openly about identity shifts, fear of judgment, and learning to listen inward instead of outward.
From an evidence-based parenting lens, parental confidence matters. Children benefit when parents are regulated, reflective, and grounded. Confident parenting is not about having all the answers. It is about believing you can respond thoughtfully, even when things feel uncertain.
When you practice trusting yourself, you model emotional literacy for your child. You show them that feelings can be noticed, named, and managed without shame.
Practical Ways to Build Emotional Literacy in Boys
Here are a few positive parenting tips grounded in evidence-based parenting that support emotional literacy and help avoid toxic masculinity:
Name emotions out loud during everyday moments to strengthen emotional literacy
Validate feelings before problem-solving to support confident parenting
Share your own emotions in age-appropriate ways to model trusting yourself
Encourage curiosity about feelings rather than judgment or avoidance
Remind boys that strength includes empathy, flexibility, and connection
Each of these practices supports emotional literacy while reinforcing evidence-based parenting values.
Raising Boys With Confidence and Compassion
Avoiding toxic masculinity does not require grand gestures. It happens in small moments when parents choose empathy over dismissal and curiosity over control. Trusting yourself helps you stay aligned with your values, even when outside voices feel loud.
As a parenting expert, I want parents to know that confident parenting grows over time. Emotional literacy is a skill that develops through repetition and relationship. When we lead with evidence-based parenting principles, we raise boys who are emotionally aware, resilient, and deeply connected.
This conversation with Kristin Mervich is a reminder that growth often comes through challenge and reflection. By avoiding toxic masculinity and prioritizing emotional literacy, we give our children permission to be fully human.
If this topic resonated with you, I encourage you to reflect on where you can offer yourself more compassion and trust your instincts a little more. Your child does not need perfection. They need you to show up with intention and care.
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CONNECT WITH KRISTIN MERVICH:
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[00:00:00] Leah Clionsky: Welcome to the Educated Parent Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Leah Clionsky, and I am so excited about the amazing guest I have today. A few episodes ago I talked about building healthy confidence in our daughters, and today we're gonna talk about a skill that is often missing for our sons, which is how do we build.
[00:00:23] Leah Clionsky: Emotional vulnerability, the ability to talk about and recognize our emotions in boys. Just like with girls, this is a skill that they often do not get taught explicitly. So I brought on are my amazing guest, Kristin Mervich. She's a therapist and a licensed clinical social worker in Arizona and Illinois. She specializes in complex anxiety and OCD, working with children and teens, adults and families.
[00:00:49] Leah Clionsky: She also has two little boys and a little tiny baby girl with her. So, um, she is an expert in all emotions, little boy. So I'm so excited to have you, Kristen, back on the podcast for the second time.
[00:01:04] Kristin Mervich: Thank you so much for having me, Leah. I love being back.
[00:01:08] Leah Clionsky: This is something. So Kristen and I are also friends, so we talk about this topic a lot as we try to navigate just trying to teach our boys about their emotions sense.
[00:01:18] Leah Clionsky: It feels like it's something that boys do not get taught very much.
[00:01:23] Kristin Mervich: Yeah, it feels like it's, it's missed from society and that if anything, you know, society's message is to not teach boys emotional literacy.
[00:01:36] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. It's like emotions or vulnerability. So don't, don't feel them. Just do not have your emotions and you'll be tough.
[00:01:44] Kristin Mervich: Don't feel them. Don't express them. Don't communicate about them.
[00:01:48] Leah Clionsky: Yeah, don't even know about them and just, just kind of walk through life with no connection to your own emotional experience.
[00:01:54] Kristin Mervich: Right. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.
[00:01:58] Leah Clionsky: Do you find that people talk to your sons about their emotions differently than they talk to you? Or you hear them talk to girls about their feelings? Like, do you hear a difference?
[00:02:12] Kristin Mervich: Absolutely. And sometimes even within, um, my two boys, like one, you know, like just like within their personalities and if it's the older one, for example, there might even be some differences in terms of how. You know, they talk about emotions with one of them versus the other one. But certainly such a distinct difference, um, between how other people are communicating with my boys about emotions than they would be to a little girl or to me, or I would think when my daughter's a little older, she's about three months now, but when my daughter's a little older, how they'll talk to her.
[00:02:49] Leah Clionsky: What are you noticing, like in the differences about the things that they say to your boys?
[00:02:56] Kristin Mervich: You know, just almost all of the, um, stereotypes, right? Of, you know, toughen up. You're fine. And don't cry about that, boys don't cry. Um, stop it. You know, there, there's less room for emotions overall and, um. If even within that, like if there's attempt on my boys' part to communicate emotions, even if they don't yet know how to articulate it in a way of, Hey, so and so, I am sad, um, or I'm really tired, can I not come to, I, like, I would like to not come to the dinner table right now because.
[00:03:39] Kristin Mervich: I'm a, like, I'm really sleepy and therefore I'm really crabby and I'm about to fall asleep. Can I please sit over here? Just this once, like not having the emotional, um, or the, you know, the ability to articulate it in that sort of way. And so there's, you know, um, there's, you know, talk about like, not, you know, just like suck it up kind of, um, and, and get yourself to the table.
[00:04:03] Leah Clionsky: Yeah, it's, it's like ignore those emotions. What emotions. Just come deal with it. Sort of a thing. I notice it even in like the way people will respond if my daughter falls down versus my son. Like if my daughter's running and she trips and she falls down, people are there. Are you okay? Are you hurt?
[00:04:21] Leah Clionsky: Are you feeling sad? Are you feeling worried? Right? Like they like jump in and ask her emotion. Related questions or if she shares, I'm really upset. People are like, yeah, of course you're upset if my son falls. It's, it's much more of a like, you're fine. Sort of sense. Like people just don't ask him the follow up questions unless I'm there asking him the follow up questions as readily I've noticed.
[00:04:46] Kristin Mervich: Right, right. That happens with my boys too. Um, and that's something that. You know, speaking of falling down, there's a question I often like to ask to promote that, you know, emotional literacy, which is, you know, are you feeling really sad or scared right now? Or is, or is that, that you're hurt? Um, and they'll be able to tell me, and I notice that then they go back and they, you know, promote, like, get that same favor back to their brother or to me if some, they see that someone else is hurt, that they'll ask and inquire, are you feeling sad or are you hurt?
[00:05:17] Kristin Mervich: Or, how can I help?
[00:05:19] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. Right. 'cause you're asking, you're making sure instead of just dust it off, buddy, get back up. Keep on going. It's no big deal.
[00:05:27] Kristin Mervich: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
[00:05:28] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. I always feel like a deep cringe when I see that happen to boys. Yeah.
[00:05:33] Kristin Mervich: Right. And I think just because, just because you are inquiring about their emotions doesn't mean that we're, you know, like dwelling in them either. Right. We might be sail out. Oh, that looks like it hurt, buddy. Are you feeling? Are you okay? Um, and they're, them being validated is really all they needed.
[00:05:52] Kristin Mervich: They're like, yep, I'm okay mom. And then they go on their merry little way.
[00:05:57] Leah Clionsky: Yeah, because we want them to be able to express how they're feeling. We want them to know how they're feeling so that it doesn't turn into something that comes out later. Because that's what happens when we keep our emotions in or can't identify them. Like in that episode, that recent episode I released where I talk about screaming at my kids, it's 'cause I did not identify my own emotions.
[00:06:17] Leah Clionsky: It's a really important skill for men to be able to manage their anger effectively, to be good and caring parents and partners and friends. Just understanding themselves and other people really adds a whole new depth to the sorts of relationships you can have with people.
[00:06:37] Kristin Mervich: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Um, yeah, I think it does. It's, it's so critical for. The development of a really healthy relationship with both themselves and other people.
[00:06:49] Leah Clionsky: Yeah, it's like the human relationship thing. We all have to know how we feel. We have to know what's going on with us. We have to know when we need to cope and use strategies to make ourselves feel better. And it's really important that boys get that message a lot. Especially because they're not gonna get it from very many people if it's not from us.
[00:07:08] Kristin Mervich: Right, right.
[00:07:11] Leah Clionsky: It almost feels like a gaslighting to me sometimes. Like Kristen, I was telling you this story before where my son told me that he felt like his friends were mad at him at school, and he recognized that he's really good at noticing how other people are feeling. And I brought it up with an adult caregiver at school and I was like, oh, is it true?
[00:07:31] Leah Clionsky: Are they mad at him? And her response is, well, when he says they're mad, I just tell him that they're happy to see him. And I thought, what a confusing message for this poor kid to get, that he is perceiving their actual reactions, which is probably angry. I wonder if he's doing something that's bothering them and then being told that they're actually happy when that's not really how they're feeling.
[00:07:54] Leah Clionsky: That would be really confusing, and we want him to trust his own perception of other people's emotions. Also, if they really are mad at him, maybe he needs to change something in his behavior and that would be good feedback for him to receive even at or.
[00:08:08] Kristin Mervich: Yeah, absolutely. And I think that that's especially, um, that's something that maybe the teacher or the adult caregiver at school might pay a little bit more attention to with girls. And, um, you know, we even just had, um, yesterday in our neighborhood, uh, our little girls in our street, in our little cul-de-sac, they were having, um, they were both having a lemonade stand and then a hair.
[00:08:37] Kristin Mervich: Uh, they were doing hair is was the other entrepreneurial act. Um, but there was a bit of competition between the two girl groups that they're all, and they're all friends, they all know each other. They're all neighbors. Um, but that was, you know, I was seeing the moms in real time, um, say, let's go over to the other girls and, and, you know, purchase their services and, um, here's how we can like work through these emotions and communicate with the other, with your friends about how it is that you're feeling.
[00:09:04] Kristin Mervich: Um, and I would doubt that that would be, you know, how, um, it's handled overall for if it was, you know, two sets of boys in that same scenario.
[00:09:15] Leah Clionsky: I completely agree with you. It sounds like everyone was understanding that the girls were having emotions, and it sounds like actually parents were teaching a skill of how do we work together within the emotions. You were probably sitting there
[00:09:28] Kristin Mervich: Yeah. They're doing a good job.
[00:09:30] Leah Clionsky: being really proud, like, wow, you're handling this so well, and that's what you would want if boys were having that exact same problem is for someone to come, a parent to come.
[00:09:39] Leah Clionsky: And guide them through how do we, how do we process our emotions? It's okay to be jealous or frustrated in this kind of situation so that they know what's going on.
[00:09:51] Kristin Mervich: Yeah, absolutely promotes that healthy communication.
[00:09:55] Leah Clionsky: yeah, but you're right. It would've been really surprising if we'd seen parents step in that way. It would've been like, well, you can't always get what you want better.
[00:10:03] Leah Clionsky: Just get over it. Toughen up. Right? Like we all know what someone would've said to them in that moment.
[00:10:09] Kristin Mervich: exactly. Exactly.
[00:10:10] Leah Clionsky: And then they would miss that skill, that really incredible social skill of what do you do with feelings and how do you manage your own feelings and how do you understand other people's feelings, which is empathy?
[00:10:23] Leah Clionsky: Like it's empathy building to think about how your actions play into somebody else's feelings and their actions and perspective taking It's good social skills really.
[00:10:34] Kristin Mervich: Yeah, no. Yeah, absolutely.
[00:10:36] Leah Clionsky: absolutely. I know you would've been out there with your sons.
[00:10:41] Kristin Mervich: Yes, yes. Abs that would've been important to me. Even if I was inside cooking dinner or something I, and heard about the scenario. Be like, okay, let's march to, to teach the skill here.
[00:10:53] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. I find myself doing this with my son. He gets really, um, jealous sometimes if other friends wanna play with his sister on the playground. He wants all of her attention, and so he gets really sad and it's really a lot of envy. So when that happens, we get to talk about that envy feeling. And then how does he wanna handle it, and does he wanna join the play?
[00:11:14] Leah Clionsky: And what are the choices his sister has in that situation? Because just get over it wouldn't make the situation any better.
[00:11:22] Kristin Mervich: No, and, and I mean his, like you being able to express to him that what he's probably feeling is, is envy on top of Eva. Just, you know, like, 'cause then we can get into envy versus jealousy and you know, like him being able to have each of that vocabulary, um, is really, really great for how old your son is too.
[00:11:47] Leah Clionsky: Uh, I think it's MD and jealousy. Honestly, he's envious of what's going on and jealous that his sister's attention is elsewhere.
[00:11:54] Kristin Mervich: Yeah. I mean, but yeah, but he, you talking to him about each of those things is just not something that would regularly be, be talked about and that will serve him.
[00:12:03] Leah Clionsky: that's why you and I work extra hard at it because we know that it won't come up other places. So, Kristen, I know you have strategies. What are three strategies that you use that everyone else can use to help reinforce this emotional literacy in their sons?
[00:12:22] Kristin Mervich: Yes. Uh, so the first one that I think is really, really crucial is to be able to model and to educate. The people around you, the people in your circle, that could be your family, um, your partner, your their, their caregivers, whether it's a nanny or you know, caregivers at school of some kind. Um, it could be your parents, aunts, uncles, friends, um, whoever is within your circle of who, who's your village for your boys.
[00:12:53] Kristin Mervich: Um, can we both model. How to communicate with our boys about feelings, um, and how to help them develop emotional literacy and how can we teach it, right? If, um, that's something that might not be innate to that person. And so that's something that I find to be really, really important, um, and helpful in my.
[00:13:17] Leah Clionsky: So what does that look like if you're, it sounds like you're saying that you are going to educate or you do some education with people in your family or in people in your village saying, like expressing the fact that emotion. Emotional, um, lit literacy in boys is important. How do you have a conversation like that or what is the main theme you want to communicate?
[00:13:41] Kristin Mervich: You know, sometimes it comes up in more of a. Like objective teaching moment. Maybe we're outside of an emotional moment with the boys. Um, and it's something that I just want them to know ahead of time and I can talk about that. But other times it has to do with like in the moment and oftentimes it's more of in the moment kind of teachings and sometimes it has to do with me explaining why it is that I might be doing something that is.
[00:14:10] Kristin Mervich: Uh, controversial, so to speak. Um, something that you don't often see, like I think sometimes it might be seen as being soft, quote unquote, with my boys. And so explaining to them why it is that I think that this is going to be helpful for them. And then honestly, most of the time it has to do with me having a conversation in front of a said caregiver or whoever.
[00:14:35] Kristin Mervich: Um. The conversation of like how I, how I manage that with my boys, how I teach my boys directly. And I'm having that developmentally appropriate conversation with, let's say my 4-year-old of, you know, are you, are you feeling hurt right now after you just fell down and scrap fell down and scraped your knee?
[00:14:52] Kristin Mervich: Or are you feeling scared? Um, and it's okay to feel, it's okay to feel scared and it's okay to feel hurt and how, you know, how do we like making space for those emotions and doing that? Even if you have other people around you saying, get up, you're fine. It's okay. Get up, you know, move on.
[00:15:14] Leah Clionsky: So you are in the moment having that conversation in front of other people and then maybe afterwards saying something like, the reason I just had that conversation is that I really wanna make sure that my son can identify the feeling he's having in that moment, and that way we can work through it. So you're giving some.
[00:15:34] Leah Clionsky: Psychoeducation. It sounds like in that moment you're modeling it and then you're explaining why
[00:15:39] Kristin Mervich: Right, right. Absolutely. Like most of the time I'm down, you know, on my knees at my 4-year-old or 2-year-old, that feels with both my boys' ages, uh, their level, um, and, you know, talking to them directly so that they feel. Like I am on their team in that moment. Um, and then I'm making space for their emotions and then I'm giving them context around their emotions while I'm in front of my, my family, friends, caregivers, nannies, medical staff, whatever it might be.
[00:16:11] Kristin Mervich: Um, and then I might be giving context like your psychoeducation after, once, you know, one of them has run off to play or something.
[00:16:19] Leah Clionsky: Mm-hmm. So you're modeling the emotion being okay, and you having that conversation. And then you're explaining why you decided to do that so that other people can understand where you were coming from and do something similar themselves.
[00:16:33] Kristin Mervich: Exactly. Exactly. And I might even ask them like, you know, you know, can you do it this way too? Um, you know, in fact there was, uh, a time where. Um, I had, uh, I had a medical, I had medical staff, um, doing, uh, something with my son and I had said, um, you know, when you, when this is happening, can you please, um, allow for me to kind of do the talking?
[00:17:00] Kristin Mervich: Um, and I'm gonna make a lot of space for his emotions, and I'm going to make sure that he knows it's okay to have these emotions instead of just saying, good job, buddy. Um, and my goal in that moment was to make sure that he. Didn't grow up kind of thinking that he had to be compliant, that he didn't, he wasn't allowed to express his emotions, that there weren't space for his emotions.
[00:17:23] Kristin Mervich: Um, and so it was me saying like, I'll, I'll do this. I'm gonna model this for you guys and please make note, um, that, you know, I, I don't want someone saying good job when. He has no say and someone might be breaking a boundary for him. Um, and that it's okay that we wanna make space for any emotions like sadness or anger or whatever might be happening in that moment.
[00:17:47] Leah Clionsky: Yeah, you, it sounds like you're. Recognizing that adults often just want kids to get through their emotions so the adult doesn't have to deal with them.
[00:17:55] Kristin Mervich: Yes.
[00:17:56] Leah Clionsky: something like getting a shot where it's like, all right, it's fine. It's not gonna hurt, it's okay. All right. Good job. Instead of saying, you are scared about getting that shot,
[00:18:05] Kristin Mervich: Mm-hmm.
[00:18:06] Leah Clionsky: that this had to happen.
[00:18:08] Leah Clionsky: Right. Just leaving that space. Yeah. So like it sounds like the first thing you're doing is your. You're identifying that feeling and you're like giving your child space, it sounds like the second tip is that you're doing in front of other people so that they can see what you're doing. And then your third step is that you're explaining your rationale after the fact and encouraging them to handle your kids the same way, and you're just super intentional about it, like you're going in with deep intentionality around that.
[00:18:40] Kristin Mervich: Mm-hmm. And I think it just kind of happens within cycles, right? Like the more that's, the more that's repeated, the more that's modeled, the more that my, my boys are able to. You know, circle basket and ask others if they're feeling a certain way so that they build that emotional literacy, um, and acceptance also both within themselves and making space for that within other people.
[00:19:03] Kristin Mervich: Um, and so just on repeat all the time, whenever there's something that comes up.
[00:19:10] Leah Clionsky: Right when that's like a deep health value system, like I will give my child space for their emotions and I'll advocate for them to have that space, and I'm gonna teach people around 'em how to give them that space, that repeated honoring of their feelings and education of other people around you is so powerful.
[00:19:29] Leah Clionsky: I'm just thinking how lucky your boys are, the way that you've set them up for that over and over and over again.
[00:19:35] Kristin Mervich: Thank you. Yeah, and so was yours.
[00:19:38] Leah Clionsky: No thank you. I hope that it really pays off and that
[00:19:42] Kristin Mervich: Yeah.
[00:19:42] Leah Clionsky: have a really good way understanding of his own emotional journey so that he doesn't end up just exploding at people, or he can have empathy for other people when they're suffering.
[00:19:55] Leah Clionsky: I think that's deeply important for everybody to be able to understand other people as much as possible.
[00:20:01] Kristin Mervich: I think it helps, you know, with all things, it helps, you know, for you to make space for your own emotions, be able to process through them faster and make value-based decisions that way. Making, um, healthy friendships and long lasting relationships. You know, it will help you to articulate what it is that you need and make sure that you're advocating for yourself and for other people.
[00:20:24] Leah Clionsky: Yeah, white knuckling, it doesn't work. If white knuckling worked
[00:20:28] Kristin Mervich: for so
[00:20:28] Leah Clionsky: all just. Not know what we were feeling and that would work out for us. If we shove it deep, deep, deep down, then that's what everyone would do. But it's not effective. And boys and men deserve better.
[00:20:40] Kristin Mervich: Mm-hmm. Absolutely.
[00:20:42] Leah Clionsky: And so do their partners and the people around them and the world.
[00:20:46] Kristin Mervich: Yeah. Ripple effect.
[00:20:48] Leah Clionsky: Yeah. Well, Kristen, I'm so excited that you came on to talk about this. I think it's such a deeply important topic. Can you tell everyone how to find you and how to get services with you?
[00:21:00] Kristin Mervich: Yes. Well, thank you so much for having me on. It was a pleasure. Um, and yeah, absolutely. I own a, uh, group private practice in Phoenix, Arizona called Outsmarting Anxiety and OCD. Um, and. We can, you can, we can find me there, um, on our website@outsmartingocd.com. And then also I have been a little bit more diligent about, um, showing up on our Instagram on social media and our handle there is at Outsmarting ocd.
[00:21:31] Leah Clionsky: Amazing. Kristen's work is incredible. Her clinic is so great. You'll find all of her website and resources in the show notes. Thank you again so much for coming on and joining me today.